How do I mitigate problem with wandering male resident entering Mom's apartment in memory care facility?

You need to call the director and let them know that it is their job to keep the guy out of her room or in a unit more suited to his needs. 8 times for this to happen is totally unacceptable. Your mom has a right to personal safety and they are not providing the care she is paying (out the wa-zoo) to get.

The guy may very well be totally gone mentally except for, perhaps, interest in a woman. It is very, very common for dementia patients to become obsessed about spouses having affairs, believing someone is interested in them, and can go all the way to acting out sexually. They need to nip this in the bud before he takes it to a different level with your mom. Put them on notice that their responsibility it to protect your mother and a paper sign on the door just 'ain't gonna cut it'. Call the ombudsman's office if they can no give you a very clear, detailed plan on how they will prevent this from happening again. They should not have put your mom off until Monday either. It's a repeat problem and they should have called you and the director immediately.

Maybe they should put the paper sign on HIS door that says don't come out of this room. He should be limited to a large group area where someone is watching him at all times and not allowed to wander other halls. Maybe move his room next to nurse station so they know where he is all the time. At any rate, that is there problem to resolve

By they way, ask to see the records for your mom so you have proof they have recorded all 8 of the incidents. You want a copy of those reports.

This is messed up beyond belief. You need to get her out of there if they won't use locks or find SOME way to corral this guy.

Serious WTF from the higher ups there.

I had a similar issue with my dad. A male resident would come into his room and sit there on the sofa we provided for my dad for hours.

I asked the staff to remove him but they said he was too ornery and difficult, (and he was)

I said if they dont remove him, I will forcibly remove him myself (I am 6 foot three, 230, and a body builder). They sprung into action.

We had unwanted people in and out of my mother's room. I think staff often decide it comes with the territory and is generally harmless. They accept standards that may not be acceptable elsewhere but then again the residents might not be acceptable elsewhere - they have difficulty following rules!

I suppose the issue is how much of a risk is it and the other issue is do the staff set their standards too low?

Care homes remind me a bit of boarding schools. There is a level of "borrowing" and "visiting" that could equally be termed "stealing" and "intrusion" depending on your perspective and like boarding schools the management may or may not admit there is an issue but they do succomb to external pressure in order to stay in business, so the onus is on you to push for change.

One thing to check out is whether your mum chats to this guy or not in public areas. Are they friends or does she find him a nuisance generally? He may think they are together because their interaction reminds him of his marriage. It is sad but protecting your mum is your priority, of course.

Good luck.

I think this is one where you will need the help of an eldercare attorney. I am well aware of a man in assisted living some years ago who was a most difficult case to handle. There were so many complaints and nothing was done until an eldercare attorney stepped up and threatened to sue the home. Thirty days later he was removed and put in another place. Threaten a law suit and document everything going on as much as possible. It is the responsibility of the facility to stop this and protect your mother.

Sometimes I can’t understand why there aren’t better devices for care of our elderly..this is one of those times ( others were some type of hand and wrist device after a stroke to prevent “claw” formation, something more comfortable than the sling to help with affected arm after stroke , more comfortable chairs for smaller statured women in rehab area , and finally in this case— why couldn’t they have some type of device that alarms if he gets close to her room ? He could wear a transmitter and then there would be something at her door that activates it if he comes too close...maybe there is something like this or if not likely some engineering minded folks could configure one pretty easily ..much like the invisible fencing for dogs except without any shock . That way staff could react . Also. Yes it is the staff responsibility ..perhaps some part of the interlopers mind knows but perhaps not . She might remind him of his spouse or someone else...perhaps his spouse can not visit now and he is angry? In any case eight times is about seven times too often.. Depending if you are happy there otherwise ..I’d look for another place but sometimes better to fix what is broken plus you could go from pan to fire . I would take all the advice for who to contact and do that...but also ask about them getting something along the above lines ..I feel like there MUST be something ... some of the other suggestions would perhaps affect your mom as much as him ..even a stop sign on her door ..she might forget it doesn’t mean her! Same with yellow banner , guess might be when she is in room but might deter her from coming out of door then...same with “manhole cover” since she has dementia as well. I feel bad for her if she is anxious and upset and worry about her being hurt. Please let us know the outcome .

is there anyway to put down a big black circle in front of her door? I was told that some places will use that because the person thinks it a hole in the ground, only problem with that is maybe your mother won't then enter her own room. Some places have an alarm that as soon as you enter the room it goes off. When my dad was in a NH, i put up a patriot star on his door and one of the other male residents wanted to know if he could have one. I said sure, but when I went to enter his room to put the star on his dresser, an alarm went off..........I showed the nurse what I was doing and she came down and turned off the alarm. not sure if that would work or not. It can be difficult especially when the staff is already busy enough but to have someone constantly monitoring his behavior would be a full time task in itself. I hope you can get this remedied.

I'm so sorry you and your Mother are having to deal with this issue.
Clearly, this man's attention is unwanted and the staff in your mother's place are charged legally with protecting her.
I think that having a serious talk to the administrator/director about her safety and personal boundaries as it relates to their obligation and your need for having confidence that your mother is safe in your absence is necessary. The sooner the better. Keep records of all conversations on this matter: whom you spoke with, what they said and when. Sometimes just showing that you're paying careful attention and holding them accountable is enough.
If that course of action doesn't show progress, make sure you document it and take a step to warn administration/ director that you feel you are going to have to take the matter a step further and go to an ombudsman or other legal counsel.
If you do seek outside counsel, you'll have documentation and that will help a lot.
My heart goes out to you and your Mother. Please keep us updated as to how it's going.🌺🌻🌼💮

I posted a question on May 15th with a similar, though not as serious a situation and received many good responses: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-achieve-a-balance-between-micro-managing-and-judiciously-advocating-on-my-mothers-behalf-467311.htm

Some of the responses I read to both our questions suggest moving our mothers to another facility, though, clearly, the AL/MC failed in their duty to keep our mothers safe. What about the "community/move-in fee"? That's a lot of money down the drain! And, then to have to pay it all over again at the next facility. Does anyone know if it is reasonable to expect reimbursement of this fee when the facility has been neglectful?

Why don't they have segregated wings for men and women? I know rapes happen at nursing homes and have to wonder how often this happens with dementia residents who can't remember the attacks.

My concern - I'm sorry if this seems the wrong priority - would be the gentleman's wellbeing. He believes that a strange lady is living in his apartment and scolding him for reasons he can't understand. Where the heck are the guidance and support he needs?

Try tackling the issue from that end as well.

One of the new terrors that my mother has is a fear of the opposite sex.

If there were segregated facilities at her MC, I would have opted for those. Just to alleviate one more fear.

Not that her list of fears wouldn't just substitute another one. Right now, here's the list:
Trees
Fire (Spontaneous combustion, electrical cords, non-working alarms (which, of course, they all work...and on and on.)
People peering in the windows (no one walks on that busy street)
People peering down her shirt (not possible. She only wears turtlenecks.)
Meat being secretly put in her self-imposed fish-only diet.
Not being called to meals (Doesn't happen. Never has. She has ALWAYS had enough to eat, before and after dementia)
Meds haven't helped yet.

This is a long post to say, yes. I would vote for segregation of sexes in MC in our situation.

I posted to this, not realising it was such a long thread. I’ll repeat it. A lock works – opens without a key from the inside, from the outside with a master key that the staff carry.

Please make them take this seriously, My dreadful father defrauded his way into respite care, bragged to me that he had sex regularly with a woman with dementia who couldn’t remember it in the morning. Ha! Ha! Big Joke! Her family found out and removed her, from a nice facility where she was very happy, until my dreadful father moved in. Staff talked about ‘rights for sexuality to be respected’. My dreadful father did nothing that needed to be respected, and he knew exactly what he was doing. Just know that this can get a lot worse.

CM and ‘get thee to a nunnery’. There are some threats that are just as bad as a nunnery, eg my dreadful father. Interestingly, when he got himself into trouble just before a trip back to the UK, he booked himself into a monastery retreat, just up the road, to protect himself from the fall-out. A pity we couldn’t have done the ‘get thee’ and also a ‘stay there’.