How do I not feel guilty for saying no to mom wanting to move in with me?
My mom at 92 years of age is in poor health and already under hospice care after two rounds of hospitalization this past Summer. Today she asked if I could take care of her. She says in her quiet voice, “I don't need a lot of care,” and I said that wouldn't work out mom.
I've told her this before. I'm 69 years old and I'm tired myself; my husband is 76 and has told me no way is your mom moving in with us and there is a long history to that - no we're not selfish, but I'm still working (remotely) and have a fulltime job; and we were hoping to enjoy his retirement as well - but so far, there's not much time for that - other reasons. Then there's mom and her unpleasantness over the years - her dementia and short-term memory loss; her demanding personality and complete disregard for anything neat or tidy; she always kept a messy house and once told me that my house 'looked like a museum' because I don't like clutter or mess.
Pretty much the universe must revolve around mom and she's in an adult foster home now with only two other patients - of which she is very jealous - although they are both bedridden, she overhears things and feels that she is being treated poorly; doesn't like the food, doesn't like the caregivers and in general is unhappy and miserable.
And this is the same pattern that's been in place for every situation she's been in. Previously when she lived in her own apartment, she didn't like the neighbors - thought they did not like her, or they are 'talking about her' when she did have her own apartment, I tried five different caregivers and she'd fire them all - one after the next. Living alone soon become impossible and the trips to the hospital would result in the doctors saying they would not release her to home - that she must go into a facility where she would not be alone.
Social Service advised me not to assume caregiver role at that time...and I've tried to stick to that advice. My mom is very critical and very ungracious. Never once has she she expressed a moment of gratitude or thanks for anything I do for her, even now. I visit with a bag full of whatever her latest wish is - lately it's been ice cream bars - not a word of thanks. Only suspicions that the ice cream will be eaten by others in the household, and she won't get it. Sigh. It never ends, she's paranoid and constantly telling me things that are not verified by the caregiver - so I suspect it's more of the 'confabulating' that the doctors diagnosed years ago.
I try to move on with my day, but I feel that her time is nearing the end and I feel guilty that I can't do more. Although when I do more, it's always met with so little gratitude or recognition; it makes me sad and hurt. I always tell myself that I shouldn't expect anything of my mom, that's just her way.
It's a difficult time and I'm not sure how to accept things today as they are just sharing for now unless ya'll know of a way to overcome the guilty feeling I have for not taking into my home (which btw has way too many stairs for her to even begin to navigate around the house - which would leave her upstairs in bed and me running up and down multiple times a day to do her bidding - between my work assignments/projects). I cannot fathom doing that for even a day.
Helped me a lot with not feeling guilty of protecting myself from the self-absorbed.
I would tell myself "I have the right to protect myself, I have the right to protect myself" kinda like a mantra. Then I would end with "it's my job to protect myself!"
She has dementia, which means that nothing she thinks or says can be considered accurate or intended. While this may be somewhat different from her actions when she was younger, it still doesn’t mean that you have to bear any responsibility.
My mother was a tragically damaged woman, wrecked by anxiety/agoraphobia, and I had the good fortune to ultimately be able to have a somewhat positive relationship with her, but it was because we both knew, AND AGREED, that we could NEVER live under the same roof, and except for one AWFUL period of 9 months, we never did.
I gained 60 pounds, developed a raging sleep disorder, and lost a job that I’d once loved.
Shift that guilt, and refuse to own it. You may be mourning for the mother you never had. When I faced those feelings it helped me realize that I could accept who she was, and why I couldn’t live with her, and also some kind and benevolence traits that she really had.
My mother was a truly wonderful grandmother and I came to cherish vicariously what I saw in her dealings with my children that she hadn’t been able to be for me.
NO GUILT. No regret for you or your husband. No REASON to be guilty. Guilt NEVER succeeds in changing anything. Guilt pays no bills, heals no wounds, helps no one.
Find some sweet pleasant peaceful times with your husband. Enjoy what your life is right now.
Be sure she’s in the best place for her to be, visit, then leave her and go “home”.
I too have often gotten the 'living in a museum' nonsense from my mother and still get it to this day. My response was always the same. I was a child of filth and squalor and won't live like that in my adult life. She doesn't like that response, but it's the truth.
No matter how strong your guilt feelings are DO NOT MOVE HER INTO YOUR HOME! It will not help anything and will only make things worse. Listen to your good husband and don't even consider it.
Your mother's ingrate behavior is because she is a senior brat.
Senior brats think the whole world owes them something because they're old. Also they usually believe that they've done so much for others that it's fair to demand their family become slaves to their neediness and demands.
If you think her behavior towards you is bad now, it will get far worse if she's securely moved into your house and living with you.
Please don't do it.
When you visit or even speak to her on the phone and the demands and complaining start up, tell her plainly that you refuse to listen to her nonsense and that you will leave/hang up if she insists on continuing. Then be true to what you say and do it. No fear and no guilt.
She's being cared for in the adult home she is in. You're making sure she isn't being abused or neglected. Your job is done and done well.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret that I've learned over 25 years as a caregiver to elderly. Your mother could very well like where she's living. The food, the help, and the people. What often happens is that the senior brat could be happy as a clam and the life of the party, but the minute their family calls or shows up it becomes complain-a-palooza. It becomes spread the negativity and misery around, and the boo-hoo poor me no one cares nonsense. See if you can talk to the staff, or even put up a camera so you can observe your mother for a day and how she interacts. She might surprise you.
What an excellent argument. Would there be guilt over the misery and discord it will cause for the husband?
??? If your mom has no idea how fortunate she is for her circumstances, she is not going to like being in your home either. All that ungraciousness will land on you and your husband. Well, it already does when you visit and take her treats that are not thanked for. Please try to not feel in any way guilty. After all, you've been advised by professionals not to do it, so it is not possible whatever anyone wants.
However, I'd say your mom is scared, a bit lonely, and might need some more company. I realize that the "poor me" attitude is probably par for the course, but even if it is, when you're 92, in poor health, and on hospice care, everyone has to be a little jittery about their future.
Can you visit a little more, or send her a card every few days so she has something to look forward to other than another day with two bedridden housemates?
"but the minute their family calls or shows up it becomes complain-a-palooza."
This is like a child in Daycare. The owner of my daughter's told me that she has no problem with the kids all day then...the parents walk in.
Guilt is self imposed. I could feel guilty about some of my decisions I made concerning Mom but I was the only one making these decisions. As a child who could be made to feel guilty, I refused to allow myself to feel any guilt and second guess myself. When I got that little nudge of guilt, I pushed it way back in my mind. You have enough on your plate. Your DH is not old (mine is 2 months away from 76) but he is not young either. You need to spend as much time together as you can. Mom is safe and cared for. You know, even if u brought her to your home, she would find fault with something. I had a friend like this.
Your DH is #1. He does not want ur Mom living with u, period. Mom is safe and cared for. You visit and bring her treats. You are doing enough. When she asks to come to your house say "sorry Mom, no can do. You get better care here" If she has any Dementia, she may always ask the question.
Me, I live in a 4 story split level. I have 3 flights of stairs. Only level my Mom was safe on was the bottom level that had been a family room with a half bath and laundry room. It had an outside entrance that made it easier to get Mom in and out. We had a shower put into the half bath. It worked for 20 months. I wanted to go to nieces wedding 8 hrs away. No way was I driving with a woman suffering from Dementia and incontinent issues. I wanted to enjoy the wedding. I went to a local AL to ask about respite care. Found they were having a half price sale on room and board so I placed her. Best thing I ever did for her and me.
Small Lie, adaptation 2: Mom, we could talk about this but my house is being bombed by pest control and it would not be healthy for you. Then same beginning but -- new carpet, plumbing emergency, new painting - this script can last a long time.
You use the word guilt. Please try to use the OTHER G word every time you are tempted to use that word. Use the word GRIEF, because that's what this is all about. Grief that you are not God and can't fix everything. Grief that everything cannot be fixed. Grief that you have no answers. Grief that aging is about the loss of EVERYTHING one piece at a time and you cannot change that. Grief that you want your own life rather than to be on the altar of martyrdom when you should be living a good life.
I am 80. I spent my life as a Nurse. I made it clear all my life to my kids that I WILL NOT see them ever sacrifice their own life to my needs. Their lives are their own. Now that I am 80 my eldest is 60. She is just entering her close to retirement years, when her own son has been raised and educated and her time with her husband is their own, time to travel and have those last productive, able and happy years left. Is she to give those years to me? Taking down her own health mentally and physically and likely her marriage along with it? NO. God FORBID that is what I come to in my last years.
As an RN I loved my patients, sometimes so much that I hated a day off when I couldn't "follow" a patient I felt needed me. BUT I had three days a week to work, 5 weeks vacation and 12 personal holiday days. I made a very good salary and it was always clear to me that the work is mentally and physically draining to the extent I could NEVER be capable of doing it for my elders.
We on Forum have seen people lose their good health. We have seen them literally almost go mad with desperation.
Here is my advice. Change the word to grief and understand that sitting down and leveling honestly with your Mom that you do not have it in you to take her into your home, and that you are sorry for one more loss, one more limitation for her. Assure her you will be there to support and visit and to help her arrange a good place as she can afford with her assets. You will both rage against what life can be. You can both cry. But what you must NOT do is attempt what you understand is outside you limitations.
Honor your limitations. Realize you cannot do everything. If you need help and support in realizing this go to a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice for a few sessions in counseling. She will help you find the words.
Will this ever be without grief? No. Grief is a part of life. These transitions we make are unavoidable and inevitable.
I am so sorry for you pain, and for your Moms. But you MUST find a way to live your life. This is the one life you will have. You must. My heart goes out to you.
I believe that all feelings MUST BE felt / processed through in order to move and not stay as stuck in our emotions and psyche.
Speaking for myself - there are 'so many' moments that I acted / interacted with my mom that I regret. Is this guilt ? Perhaps. It surely doesn't feel good to me knowing how I handled situations then -- We / I want to 'take back' or wish we / I could - in heated moments or triggers of the life long relationship.
I believe the key is being as present with your mom as you can be 'now' and then practicing LETTING GO.
Give yourself a 'point' for every time you acknowledge yourself for the good you do knowing you are doing all that you can - and you are doing the best for your mom.
Perhaps guilt is (somewhat) of a natural association or process with grieving, realizing someone is nearing the end or has passed ... ?
The key is doing the best we can while we can and knowing when we did / do our best to allow our self to be at peace with it. (It is a learning discipline of mindful thinking / process). It doesn't just happen by itself.
Another way to look at it, when you are at peace w your behavior, that energy is in the air / transmitted to your mom. She will get it on an energy level.
So, be mindful to consider
(1) shift / be in the moment (presence);
(2) accepting what you can and cannot do;
(3) acknowledging yourself for all you did and do;
(4) Know your energy is love and that love in transmitted to your mom, and it always will be - wherever she is.
(5) I learned decades ago that forgiveness is key to as peaceful an inner life as possible - for self and others. It is a way to release and be / feel okay with who we are in the moment. It is an ongoing practice. Perhaps meditation will help you. It helps me... even five minutes will be good - and change brain chemistry.
Gena
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