How do I protect myself against my mother's failing memory?

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How do I protect myself against my mother's failing memory?

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She will now declare that something did not happen, but it did happen. And the opposite. She doesn't remember owning a particular object and vows that it isn't here and she has never laid eyes on it. I am concerned that she will forget important instructions she has given me about her care/finances/etc and accuse me of dirty dealing. I cannot take record of everything she says or get everything typed and notarized. How do I protect myself?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Dementia Behaviors Family Caregiver Memory Loss

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TaylorUK is right. Pretty soon almost everything and everyone will be forgotten by the Alzheimer’s patient.

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Simply put - you can't.
But you can document events so that medical staff can see the pattern of behaviour (which no doubt doesn't happen when she is seeing them), and keep all receipts and bank records appertaining to her money. (Particularly if you have POA and are choosing how her money is spent.)

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document, document, document!!! Start a journal... one day when reading back through it you will be glad you did. Direct draft is a great idea and save all receipts and paperwork for everything else. Make sure all expenses pass the smell test and you will be fine.
Make sure her money is spent on her care and in a responsible, thoughtful manner. Years from now you will feel great about the job you did caring for her.

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Can you quietly record some of the important instructions on your phone?
That could help you build up a record of what is going on.

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I am going through this exact same thing with my mother - she asks for my help with everything but will then turn on me. She is 77 and her memory comes and goes. She frequently loses items and thinks they were stolen. Thankfully she is in a very nice Assisted Living about 100 miles from me and I visit every other week. She writes her own bills which aren't many and I check behind her since I am on her account. She is always accusing the staff of things and it is very frustrating not knowing who to believe. Sometimes when she turns on me I will end the conversation or visit and usually she will not remember.
I don't think I really answered you, but wanted you to know you aren't alone. I sometimes have to laugh - she told me today we are celebrating Easter next week, and the summer is going well.

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You protect yourself with careful records. And yes, all you are predicting will in all likelihood happen. It is part of the disease. I hope that POA is in place for health and financial, and that Mom is in care.

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You may have to make a decision about where she will live next since you live 200 miles away. I'm NOT advocating that she live with you.

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You're her POA, so it's doesn't matter whether or not she believes you. Just keep receipts of everything and try not to pay attention to her comments. I know it's hard, but it will not get better. Eventually, she will forget about all that stuff and then you will say "I remember when Mom would worry about her check, now she doesn't even ask or care". That is when you know she no longer remembers anything. She won't mention stealing or losing things. Good luck.

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I wonder if you need to? As my mother has declined, she has become more and more suspicious and distrusting of me and now just regularly accuses me of stealing. But her accusations are so grandiose that I can’t imagine anyone taking them seriously. At first, I was writing our her checks for her bills and she would sign them. Then she accused me of stealing because I couldn’t produce receipts as soon as she signed the check (bill still needed to be mailed and received, etc.) So I set up all her bills for auto-pay and eliminated check use altogether. Then she started hiding things from me so I wouldn’t steal them, then forget where she hid them, then accused me aloud stealing them because she couldn’t find them. Now she puts notes on things that I have stolen them (while they are in her possession), and she said that I stole the house that I live in. I am her POA (which she set up when she was still healthy) and only child so there is no one I can pass this on to. I could be better at keeping records but that’s something I can work on improving. But in the meantime, as long as she’s saying I stole a house and I stole a purse that’s been on her shoulder the whole time, I doubt anything I can do would prove my honesty to her, and I don’t see anyone else taking her claims seriously.

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Good idea on the autopay! Will look into that!

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What I think is terribly sad and I am not accusing the OP’s mom of this.

There are manipulative people who use ‘old age’ as an excuse. One woman I know is constantly telling people they owe her money. Everyone tells her that they don’t owe her money.

At first it was confusing to all of us. Some people even gave her the twenty dollars she asked for and considered the possibility of them not remembering because she was so convincing.

Oh my gosh, she was gambling with the money. Her daughter gave up on her. She is 80. She just got an atm card so most likely she will go through her checking account. It’s sad.

Her daughter told me that she asks people in the casino how to use her card, giving them her pin and everything. Not good!

They have selective memory! Parents can purposely or unintentionally hurt their kids.

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It’s wise to hire someone to be a caregiver and then your still thriving with your job/work and live your life.
You would be involved and keeping things organized.

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You don’t need to prove that your mother is wrong and you are right. If you do have or get POA, keep absolutely scrupulous records of literally every penny in or out. Get yourself a file box or even cabinet. If Mom has valuables, catalog each one by photograph and description. Keep bank statements, deposit and withdraw slips, insurance papers, housing expenses...you get the picture. I was lucky. When my mother was still “with it”, she kept wonderful records for me and I only hit a few glitches when she suffered from dementia. My POA helped as people would not speak to me without it when I requested information. I got mine from Legal Zoom.

If your mother kept any records at all, make copies. It might be a good idea to take those papers and keep them in a safe place. Don’t stress over what your mom says or doesn’t say. Anyone who speaks with her will soon understand her situation.

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Re: the pictures in your records.

Pictures of mom with the jewelry on, standing by a coveted object, etc. might be taken.

Next, in lucid moments, ask her to look at one or 2 and dictate her remembrances about the items she remembers. You record her stories digitally, or type up her words.

Print the words below the pictures, or create a powerpoint slide show and embed the videos of her talking. She might still say she never said that, but it might help to calm her down. That panic that sets in when she can't remember has got to be very scary.

Place in a booklet that Mom can look at, read if able, or have read to her.

Same with important people in her life.

PS. play a favorite piece of music while you're working on this with her and while she is looking at the book or slide show.
Music has been known to open up locked memories and happy feelings.

Might be something she used to sing over and over, or a song she and dad would dance to??

I play a play list for Mom of her favorite types of music. She likes to go out on the porch after breakfast and supper and listen to the music and watch the squirrels and birds.

She still forgets things. Like today she said her bedroom hadn't been vacuumed since we moved here a year ago. I think the music helps me more than her, because this didn't upset me, even though I vacuum her room at least the 2nd and 4th Monday. So she's forgetting that noise x 22. And I was able to joke it off.

So I'd recommend music therapy for caregivers and those they are caring for.

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Linda, I think you are at that juncture where a decision about her care needs to be made. I only lived 6 miles from my MIL but we discovered on our own that she was not remembering to eat, even though we paid for and delivered food and meals. She had over $900 in overdraft fees because she forgot how to manage money and was writing checks out of several different checkbooks, of which she had thousands since she kept "losing" them and then going to the bank to reorder. She would tell us she took her pills but hadn't. She wasn't lying, she really thought she was doing those things.

Many on this forum have experience with parents having delusions and paranoia and they will provide good insight to you, but there are no easy answers. Does anyone have durable PoA for your mom's medical and finances? If so, who? Your answer may determine your next steps. Blessings!

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How do I protect myself against my mother's failing memory?

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