I am a 65 year old widow who lives with my 88 year old mother. My father died last year and my mother couldn’t stay at home if I wasn’t here. She is in pretty good health but was very dependent on my father and now is very dependent on me. Can’t drive, pay bills, worries constantly, micromanages everything. I do some housework, help with meals, do all errands, driving and household organizing. I have organized my retirement around her needs. I can’t take an overnight trip or go away for the weekend because she can’t be left alone. (I get one break a year when a sibling fills in for a week or two). But she insists I don’t really do that much and I’m not a caregiver because I don’t do any hands-on care. I am becoming very resentful and angry, mostly at the lack of recognition and empathy. I lost my husband then gave up my job, home and friends to move across the country to help her. I wanted to do this but the constant criticism and nagging is utterly demoralizing. My situation isn’t as bad as some face, but how do I cope?
Why "go there" in these subjects of what you gave up, whether or not you qualify as caregiver in discussions with your Mom? As to getting away, if Mom doesn't have severe dementia then you need to do that now with someone to check in, because later you truly can't.
These are choices you made for yourself. There may be times you resent them, wish you had made other choices. That's called normal.
If you feel you don't wish to go on, the know that you DID move in and you CAN move out. Not every elder has children who are living, or who have/will move in. That means they choose the best care they can find for themselves ongoing.
Again, these are choices you made. You can unmake them if you choose to at this point.
Consider a few hours of counseling with a Licensed Social Worker in private practice as a counselor; they are good at life transitions choices work.
I wish you the best. Coping is what we do. It's what we do and it isn't always, in any generational shift, easy to do. We sometimes thing we are heading to a time when we can be carefree and happy all the time, and it never seems to get here.
My best out to you.
For me that is one reason I would never consider doing what you are doing. Both of my LO's are in a home, one AL the other MC. My brother & I are taking care of them, they do not have to live with us to do that, and they never will.
You are not helping your mother by doing everything for her. And why would you give up your life for her? Makes no sense to me. When she is gone you will have nothing, no job, no circle of friends and be an emotionally drained person.
IMO, there are options, you move back to where you can from, she can either go with and live on her own or AL or stay where she is. If you stay where she is, you get your life together, get a job, your own place and move forward.
She wouldn't? Oh dear. Up to her, if she chooses not to do that then she needn't. But her refusal to consider a practical arrangement does not equal a responsibility on your part to implement her choice.
Right. I will be frank. What has happened so far is good for neither of you. You are disabling your mother and preventing her from developing *any* potential for independence or regrowth by filling your late father's shoes. And, as a side effect, you have ignored your own right to grieve, you have trashed your life, and you have ditched both employment and the support of your social network.
And you think your situation isn't bad enough to be worthy of sympathy or demand urgent changes?
You did all this to comfort your mother and support her happiness. I think those are both very good things to want, only this way is not working. Your mother is not comforted, she is not happy, and you are getting none of the results - let alone the rewards - that you aimed for and deserve.
It is not too late. Allow yourself to think really openly about alternative possibilities. You could see if your job might still be there, what about getting your house back or finding an equivalent, you could explore housing options for your mother in your home location, you could find out and add up what assets and income are available - in short, you can make a different plan.
You don't need your mother's permission to do that. Try it, and see what goals emerge.
Additionally, You need some support. Look for a grief support group - online or in person - to deal with the loss of your spouse. Also, consider adding some helpers to your caregiving team. If you get sick or injured, you need a few people who already know your mom's routines and medications to care for her while you are unable to. Those extra helpers can also allow you some time off to develop relationships with people who nurture your soul and provide friendship.
I don't have to wipe my mother's or change diapers, or bathe her. I do have to deal with the commode every ten minutes. Even though there's not so much hands-on care, being her caregiver has nearly destroyed me. I thought I would be fine because I made my living as an in-home caregiver for nearly 25 years (mostly to elderly). There is a long history of abuse and dysfunction as well. My mother did attempt to make some amends for her behavior in the past so I decided to move back into her house to help her out. The narcissism, negativity, misery, nagging, constant criticism, belittling, berating, and bullying dragged me so low into a hole of despair that I almost took my own life. Yes, this is true. I got help in the form of therapy and my ex-husband. I'm walking away from caregiving. Either my sibling steps up and takes over, or the state does. One way or the other, I'm out and done.
For your own sake, you should be too.
I think your situation may be worse than mine if you cannot leave her alone for any period of time. Along with taking her abuse, you also live in the mind-numbing boredom of providing elder baby-sitting which can be likened to watching paint dry.
So, my friend you have it tough.
Your sibling needs to start filling in one week a month, Not one week a year.
Please look into facility placement or homecare services. Start looking into getting your own place too.
You're 65 years old. How many good years do you think you have? People are supposed to enjoy their retirements. Not spend those years enslaved to the care needs of an ancient parent.
That's why there are senior living communities, assisted living facilities, nursing homes, memory care facilities, and homecare.
You have choices and options. Please for your own sake, start considering some.
You matter too and you deserve a life. Good luck.
The OP's mother who 'micromanages' everything while not actually doing anything for herself, is ridiculous. She is not independent and no one humor her by pretending that she is.
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Would you consider therapy? 65 is way too young in our day and age to either throw your own life away on the altar of caring for your Mom who has already had her own life, or to give up your own friends and plans. This is, quite honestly a window of several decades where you are free in a way you have never been before to do what you wish while you are still well and able. You will soon enough be where your Mom is. I, at 80, am glad enough to be down to walks, gardening, trips to my daughter and grandson for a visit, reading, sewing, a few other hobbies including fostering dogs. But I am so glad that I had those years when I could still hike a bit, travel to other far away places, explore the world retired.
I wish you the very best. Only you can make these choices for yourself.
You gave up your husband for Mom? He was your #1 priority. Why can't she be left alone? Where there not other options that could have been considered without you having to give up ur life for Mom.
Where there not other siblings? Sell her home and place her in an AL closer to you? I think we all "jump into the fire" before looking at the whole picture.
Contact Medicaid thru your Social Services. See if Mom qualifies for in home assistance. They will go by her income, not yours. Even a few hours a day will give you a break. Call Office of Aging for help there. Don't say Mom doesn't like strangers in her house. Tell her you need a break. That you need to have a life outside of being there for her.
I know you volunteered for caregiving, but why does that mean you have to do it indefinitely?
Seems like what Mama wants and what you NEED are not the same thing.
She does constantly criticize and complain about everything. She doesn't need a hands on caregiver yet but she can't be left home alone either due to past incidents in the house.
Her social security goes to pay all her credit cards that she has run up over the years.. other than that she has no income. I have taken over the house and literally support her in any other way. There is no money to put her in home if the time ever comes and with her name joint on the house that makes it harder.
I have asked some of her so called friends to maybe take her to lunch, I would even pay for it but no one has come through.. I know having a break away from me and the house would fantastic for her.
If you ever need to vent message me..I totally understand the resentment part and I have to keep reminding myself she is like this because she is 96, but I know I never want to put my kids in this position. I want them to enjoy their years without worrying about me.
My mom, god rest her soul, always said everyday after 60 is a gift. Now at 63, I agree!
I personally would never do 24/7 regardless of what that looked like and how in-depth or not in-depth the care was. I salute the people who can and admire that so much but it’s not for me. I also would never expect my children to give up their lives for me. They can gladly put me in a home I tell my daughter. Just give me some good books and sweets!