How do I stay sane as a caregiver?

Your situation is just as bad as anyone else's. Just because you're not wiping or changing diapers does not mean that you aren't enslaved to caregiving. You are.
I don't have to wipe my mother's or change diapers, or bathe her. I do have to deal with the commode every ten minutes. Even though there's not so much hands-on care, being her caregiver has nearly destroyed me. I thought I would be fine because I made my living as an in-home caregiver for nearly 25 years (mostly to elderly). There is a long history of abuse and dysfunction as well. My mother did attempt to make some amends for her behavior in the past so I decided to move back into her house to help her out. The narcissism, negativity, misery, nagging, constant criticism, belittling, berating, and bullying dragged me so low into a hole of despair that I almost took my own life. Yes, this is true. I got help in the form of therapy and my ex-husband. I'm walking away from caregiving. Either my sibling steps up and takes over, or the state does. One way or the other, I'm out and done.
For your own sake, you should be too.
I think your situation may be worse than mine if you cannot leave her alone for any period of time. Along with taking her abuse, you also live in the mind-numbing boredom of providing elder baby-sitting which can be likened to watching paint dry.
So, my friend you have it tough.
Your sibling needs to start filling in one week a month, Not one week a year.
Please look into facility placement or homecare services. Start looking into getting your own place too.
You're 65 years old. How many good years do you think you have? People are supposed to enjoy their retirements. Not spend those years enslaved to the care needs of an ancient parent.
That's why there are senior living communities, assisted living facilities, nursing homes, memory care facilities, and homecare.
You have choices and options. Please for your own sake, start considering some.

Let me ask you something, are you happy? In 10 years from now or longer if you were still doing this, would you be happy? You’re very young and could be risking, for lack of a better phrase, the last few of your good years dealing with this. I’d do some soul searching around that.

My mom, god rest her soul, always said everyday after 60 is a gift. Now at 63, I agree!

I personally would never do 24/7 regardless of what that looked like and how in-depth or not in-depth the care was. I salute the people who can and admire that so much but it’s not for me. I also would never expect my children to give up their lives for me. They can gladly put me in a home I tell my daughter. Just give me some good books and sweets!

Have you given any consideration to placement for your Mom?
Would you consider therapy? 65 is way too young in our day and age to either throw your own life away on the altar of caring for your Mom who has already had her own life, or to give up your own friends and plans. This is, quite honestly a window of several decades where you are free in a way you have never been before to do what you wish while you are still well and able. You will soon enough be where your Mom is. I, at 80, am glad enough to be down to walks, gardening, trips to my daughter and grandson for a visit, reading, sewing, a few other hobbies including fostering dogs. But I am so glad that I had those years when I could still hike a bit, travel to other far away places, explore the world retired.
I wish you the very best. Only you can make these choices for yourself.

I was also taking care of my mom without the ability to leave or take long weekends. I hired a caregiver to give me breaks. My mom was not happy with a caregiver but I did not give her a choice. It was no easy but it did allow me to go to dinner occasionally and take long weekend breaks. She complained each time when I returned home but that did not last long, She would forget. You will be able to deal with caregiving much better when you have windows of rest. Otherwise, burnout is hideous. I have transitioned my mom to an ALF and finding the relationship is to be better now that I am a daughter more than a caregiver. Figure out a way to get breaks for your own sanity.

My mother is now in assisted living but when she was home and I really needed to get her help, a social worker said to me “you can’t wait for her permission, she will never accept help.” So see if you can work with caregivers on a story like they are nursing students who need practice or in college and want to interview your Mom for something, then just have them start doing stuff. NEVER say people are there to “help” her, they want to retain their independence. If you have to you could say they are there to help you.

You matter too and you deserve a life. Good luck.

Then leave and let her find out how much you do. You can still pay bills remotely. Let her get her own groceries, make her own meals, call for a ride to go to where she needs to go, etc. People like this need a dose of reality, unless she has dementia, then reality doesn't play a part in anything.

LeilaNS so many of the things you said ring true for me too. I care for mom 86 in my home. I too have built my retirement around her. For me, like you, caring for mom has become a series of neverending chores. The lovely idea of having a room full of books, puzzles, phone chats, and tea times slowly gave way to pacing, worrying, crying as her brain could no longer handle these things. Caregiving is not the hallmark card I had imagined. You mentioned your mom's constant worrying. My mom too. I never expected it would be so horribly difficult to deal with that, but it is awful because it drains the joy out of every day. So now not only is mom miserable, I am becoming miserable. As so many on this forum have already suggested, I have planned a 2 day vacation. First time a caregiver wiIl be overnight. I learned not to tell mom ahead of time. Just having something to look forward to has lightened my burden. Maybe some short vacations in between your annual one would help you too. As my supportive brother said when I first took in mom, it was the right thing for the right reason. Now hiring caregivers is the right thing, soon ALF/MC will be that right thing for the right reasons. I wish you the best.

There was an alternative originally, you know. What about moving your mother across the country to live where you could support her? - then you'd still have your job, home and friends; and your mother would have you nearby to supervise and administer the support she needs.

She wouldn't? Oh dear. Up to her, if she chooses not to do that then she needn't. But her refusal to consider a practical arrangement does not equal a responsibility on your part to implement her choice.

Right. I will be frank. What has happened so far is good for neither of you. You are disabling your mother and preventing her from developing *any* potential for independence or regrowth by filling your late father's shoes. And, as a side effect, you have ignored your own right to grieve, you have trashed your life, and you have ditched both employment and the support of your social network.

And you think your situation isn't bad enough to be worthy of sympathy or demand urgent changes?

You did all this to comfort your mother and support her happiness. I think those are both very good things to want, only this way is not working. Your mother is not comforted, she is not happy, and you are getting none of the results - let alone the rewards - that you aimed for and deserve.

It is not too late. Allow yourself to think really openly about alternative possibilities. You could see if your job might still be there, what about getting your house back or finding an equivalent, you could explore housing options for your mother in your home location, you could find out and add up what assets and income are available - in short, you can make a different plan.

You don't need your mother's permission to do that. Try it, and see what goals emerge.

LeilaNS, if you can afford it, you have to have someone come in during the week. Start off slow, 3 days a week for 4 hours a day or something like that. Or maybe there are volunteer respite services available nearby? Maybe contact your local Area Agency on Aging? I find it difficult to find available services, but I keep trying. Whether your mother likes it or not, it is necessary for both of you: it will give you a chance to get away (mentally and physically), and it would honestly do your mother good to be around someone else for a change. I completely understand how hard it is to separate yourself from your mother's needs -- I struggle with this myself. But I think we all have to try to stop getting sucked in so deeply that we loose our sanity.

Your mother does not recognize her need for your help. In a sense she is blind to her need and your assistance. "Being blind" means she can not recognize the truth of the situation. Please get her evaluated by her doctor for dementia and mental competency. If she tests positive for dementia (75% of seniors 75 years old and older DO have dementia to some degree), then get a referral to a neurologist and a geriatric psychiatrist. The neurologist can evaluate and treat her dementia (medications can slow it down in early stages), The psychiatrist can help with behavior problems.

Additionally, You need some support. Look for a grief support group - online or in person - to deal with the loss of your spouse. Also, consider adding some helpers to your caregiving team. If you get sick or injured, you need a few people who already know your mom's routines and medications to care for her while you are unable to. Those extra helpers can also allow you some time off to develop relationships with people who nurture your soul and provide friendship.