How do I stop getting attached?

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How do I stop getting attached?

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I have recently started a new job as a home carer. I love it, but I find that I am getting attached to a number of my clients. Nothing that would raise red flags, just working about them and their health. I know these people aren't going to be in my care for a long time, so how do I stop myself from getting too attached to them?

Caregiving Home Care Working Caregiver

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They probably love you, and you love them -- that's a good thing.

Just try to remember that life includes death, and no one escapes it. That you can be there to help these folks through the last part of their lives is a treasure. You can learn a lot from these wonderful people, so embrace them while they're here, and save a little piece of your heart for them when they're gone.

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Good Stuff! Your post makes sense and just feels good.

(3)

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You are now in a new job as a caregiver. Take a close look at the word "CARE" giver. You wouldn't be in this new position if you didn't care. You are in an elite bunch who have chosen to care for people you don't even know. Of course you're going to get attached to these folks. Probably some more than others, but that just means that you are doing your job well. So enjoy your time with the folks under your care, and keep on caring.

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Elite?

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I was a nurse and was always attached to my patients. In the beginning I loved it so much I couldn't believe I got paid for it, and often worried on days off that they were not in my care. With time this tempers just a bit, but I would say that anyone who doesn't feel at all the attachment to those she or he cares for is in the wrong line of work. I had patients share things with me they could not share with their own families, their wishes that they could discuss dying with families, their worries they didn't want to burden families with. I think I still suffer from something I was often witness to that disturbed me so much I carry it with me; and that was the occasional instances of seeing families fight and argue about an elder over their bed, about who is loved most, about money, about who has say over their care. To this day when I see sibling wars over elders on Forum it throws me for a loop, and it is the times I am in most danger of being unkind in my responses.
Don't worry about caring too much. Worry about caring too little. I DO caution you against keeping a relationship with an elder no longer in your care, or accepting invitations, gifts, any personal relationship ongoing. That is entering muddy waters. Don't do it.

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Wonderful advice. I especially like that you said "Dont worry about caring too much. Worry about caring too little."

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Yes, you can Care but remember you r a professional. When you leave there home, leave them behind. Meaning, don't carry their problems home with you. Do what you can for them while you are there. Thats all you can do. Like Alva said " I DO caution you against keeping a relationship with an elder no longer in your care, or accepting invitations, gifts, any personal relationship ongoing."
You are not their family.

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You do sound like a nurse. Read my post above.

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You sound very pessimistic about their lives. Why are you in this field anyway? You have to love it to be in this field. I had my grandmother under my care for 30 years and even her doctors could not predict her death. They kept nagging me about the DNR and I never gave them an answer. My grandmom lived beyond 100 years by the way. I am sure the families of your patients would not be too happy with you if they read your post here. If you are predicting their death you should move to a different field of work. Good luck.

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Marzi3010 didn't say anything to the effect that she would no longer be caring for her patients due to their deaths (although undoubtedly in some cases that will happen)--some might be move into facilities as their needs increase, others may be moved away by their families, etc.

I suspect the families of her patients would be FAVORABLY impressed that she cares so much as to become attached to them! The others responding to her here have all been commending her for her caring attitude while warning her of the 'unwritten rules" of her profession, particularly in terms of continuing the relationship with them after her responsibilities to them are over (spoiler alert--they would still be alive!).. She is precisely the kind of caring, attentive person we all wish we could have when help is needed.

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If you go into a job like this with too much enthusiasm and heart, you will burn out fairly quickly. There is lots of good advice in the other answers about not taking your patients "home" with you. It is a job that must have an element of compassion, but don't let it get personal. Like I said, if you do, you will burn out emotionally and have to look for another job for your own well-being. I worked a similar job for 10 years, and saw a number of co-workers come into the job with a gung-ho attitude of love and dedication to their clients who just couldn't maintain that level of self-involvement and quit. If you work this job long enough, you will learn to welcome and value your weekends and vacations, and will be able to leave the burden of work behind.

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Since this is new for you, I think with time you will find what works for you. I hope you never lose the caring attitude that you have now. There was a time when my mother had four caregivers. For three it was just a job. Later when she needed help again, which one do you think we called?
However, I certainly agree that when you go home, you need to leave the job and concerns for your clients behind. If you find yourself worrying about them, stop. Ask yourself what you need to do to focus on taking care of yourself and your life, whether it be your physical and mental health, hobbies, long-term goals, etc. Congratulations on finding fulfillment in what can be a very demanding job.

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Same way I did as an RN, by having a healthy balance between personal life and professional life. Always be kind and friendly and an advocate for your clients. Always give the best care when you are there. When you are "off the clock," spend time with family and friends and activities that you enjoy. Don't make the mistake of allowing your professional life to become the only satisfying part of your life. Also remember that you are not the only one caring for your clients.

Thanks for taking on this important career; we need more home caretakers in our society.

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"...we need more home caretakers in our society."

Yes, but we need more caretakers in general, esp those with HEART!

(3)

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Robert, I disagree 100%

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You really don't need to worry about it as long as it's just a friendly medial care attatchment.

The clients in your charge are lucky to be cared for by someone like you.

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Ignore Robert, who seems to think your comment is referring to death as opposed to the fact that caregivers come and go and other assignments are made. I think it is your true nature that has you caring and you are not going to change that, nor should you...it is what makes you YOU. Kind, caring, compassionate....the fact that you recognize your attachment, will hopefully prevent you from being overly involved and that you have your own friends and family to put that energy towards instead where there will be more of a return on that. You are new to the field, and over time, as you experience losses either by death or new assignments replacing older ones, it will become 2nd nature. We're all human and we're all going to like some people....and care for some people more than others. I'd be lying if I didn't admit over the decades I've been in the field that there weren't some miserable people who I wished were no longer part of my client list! Don't expect to care for them all the same way. Whomever has you is lucky to have you!

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I have the same issue about feelings because I'm taking care of my mom right now and I feel like I'm always in neutral feeling.

Because I am taking care of her 24/7 and she's bed bound and when I have to take care of her needs I just have to remain in neutral feeling otherwise I'm also affected by her pain.

So that neutral feeling stays with me all the time because I'm caring for her and I know I should have that love feeling also.

I know she's going to pass away eventually and I feel like if I love her too much it's going to hurt more when she passes.

I don't know how to turn my feelings on and off.

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Remember that it's your job. Your clients are not your family or friends. You are getting paid to do work for them. Do the work - take pride in doing it well - and be grateful that you get to leave at the end of the day. When it's time for you to go home, know that you've helped them, close the door and do not bring their woes home with you. Surely you have your own problems to worry about and own life to focus on and you need to be present for your family and friends.

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It's wonderful that you care about your people. The previous posts are very complementary and, I hope, helpful to you. People who need care need caring people. You fill the bill. While you are in their presence, care for them as much as you will, but it is your job so when your day is done leave it behind. As others have said becoming too attached can carry into your personal life. You must maintain some level of detachment.

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Imho, as difficult as this may be, treat this as your job, e.g. some health care workers would be ineffective if they became emotional. That is not meant to sound callous, but truthful. You are taking pride in your employment and that shines through. Prayers sent.

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You must be a very caring person because otherwise how could you not get attached. When my father was in a nursing facility, one person (very troubled) was always loud, etc., but when he passed the one nurse took it very hard. She was a good caring person. You can't shut your heart down totally when it comes to caring for people, especially if you truly love what you do. I guess you just have to remind yourself that some day might come when either they pass or whatever and you will just have to grieve that loss. I wish you luck and God bless you for what you do.

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I find myself falling in love with the people I volunteer companion sit with. I have found that just loving them and accepting that it is probably short lived has helped me to cope when one of them dies.

You will learn so much from each one that you invest yourself in.

It is hard but you will always carry what you learned with you and that enriches your life.

Well done for caring so much, it seems like a rare commodity nowadays.

Enjoy your experiences and interaction with each individual.

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Truthfully, I think it takes time in the industry before you stop getting attached to the people you care for. You are new to being a caregiver, so it's natural to get attached right away. As time goes on and you leave one client for another, and then another, the attachments will fade away........you know what I mean?

You have a big heart & a kind soul. Give yourself time to adjust to a new job and everything will fall into place.

Good luck!

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The first thing that popped into my head when I read your post was"
"Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, the other is gold."

I actually had to look it up to figure out where this came from - it's an old girl scout tune (I wasn't even a scout very long, but I remember those lines!) As with any job or other activity in life, we meet people, we get attached to some, but we may move on and over time some of the relationships fade away. We can still fondly remember the good times, the happy moments, but still move on in life. As others have said, whatever leads to moving on from the client, keep your memories, but cut all the ties. It will be hard at first, but over time it will be easier for you.

I'm sure it will be especially hard with some clients, whether they no longer need care, move, you change jobs, or they pass on, but as with anyone you lose touch with in life, remember those happy times. If you are happy and cheerful and truly enjoy your work, it will shine through to them and they will appreciate it! Fondly remember the smiles you bring to their faces.

Also know that you aren't alone. Other replies attest to that. My mother just recently passed. They had to move her out of MC in order for us to visit (due to the virus.) Multiple aides came upstairs to see mom in their free moments, even in the wee hours of the morning, because they missed her. Some came in on their day off too. The outpouring of care from so many who worked there was heartwarming. I already knew my mother was well cared for and loved by many, but the extent of care and sympathy extended when she passed just revealed how much more they cared! Every single one told me how much they will miss her now that she's gone.

As others have said, try not to bring the worry you might have home with you. Whatever the cause of the worry, know you can't fix it all, you can just do your best when you are with your clients and hope to make their day a little better, and brighter than it was before. Leave your concerns at the door when you go home or to the next client (if you have any serious concerns about a client, regarding their health or well-being, certainly seek a supervisor to report your concerns, but let them decide how to handle those!)

Lastly, don't ever lose that ability to connect with your clients. It really can make a big difference.

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Huh?

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I've read your post several times.
Your post raises red flags in a way that I would never hire you, today, to care for my mom.
You "recently started" and "getting attached".
It yells of no training, no experience and youth. Though I may be wrong about your training, I think I'm spot on about your experience and age.
So, keep working in the field to get some stuff under your belt.....experience. Experience will give you the gift of caring for and old person who will die before you and the ability to do it all over again with another old person who will die before you.
It's an important position for sure. It's also an extremely lucrative position, if/when done well.
So put on your big girl pants, look at this as a profession and become an expert in the field.
I say this to you as someone who really wants you younger folks to do better for me when I need it. AND I'm learning the importance of much better, less expensive care for old folks and I will be your strong competition in this business if you Sit On Your A** and worry about your attachment.

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Im actually 34. So maybe not in the younger category that you are thinking. But, in some aspects you are right. The only caring I have done in the past has been for family members. The training I received was pretty extensive, but how do you train to care for someone, without actually caring?
Since posting this I have visited many many clients with different needs and wants, so my experience is growing day by day. Personally, if you wouldn't hire me, that's fine. But I am good at what I do, even if I haven't been doing it for a long time like some others. I have all the interpersonal skills that are deemed essential to this role.

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OK. I apologize for my post. I was pretty much wrong. Sorry.

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How do I stop getting attached?

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