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My 74 year old mothere survived a stroke and the day of discharge from the hospital. She was in total agreement to go to a facility for rehabilitation. 2 days after she was there, she refused all her meds. And all food and water, now she is going Downhill. They brought her back to the hospital.But they are saying they can't find out why she won't eat or take her pills.She just keeps telling me she wants us to let her go. They have done so many tests and can't figure out why she won't eat or drink or take meds. I feel like she has given up my sister says they are missing something. Yesterday my mom got so upset with me for trying to talk with her and try to get her to take the meds, she shook her fists and tried screaming without any sound the nurse had to calm her down and she went back to sleep. I feel I upset her more should I just let it be. We also have no idea what her wishes are or if she has a will. My sister lives with her and does not even know how to keep up her bills and mortgage we are at such a loss. And no we do not have any POA she refuses that.

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After my Mom’s stroke April 30th, she also wanted to give up. I sat with her 8 hours each day, for nearly 2 months before her attitude changed. I only provided positive encouragement. All worth it. She is coming home in 4 days. I cannot wait.
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Reply to dburritt
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Lots of questions here...
What meds is/was your Mom on?
If she's not taking them, what are possible side effects?
I suggest that a family member or friend visit every day. My Mom, 96, is afraid that she will be forgotten and left alone.
Is your Mom participating in PT/OT/SPEECH? Perhaps one of these specialist can encourage your Mom to drink/eat.
Is she on thickened liquids? My Mom hated this, but did like thickened cranberry juice and ice cream and some soups. Otherwise, she refused. She was always thirsty. I was able to get the slp to allow small sips of water.
This is a scary and lonely time for your Mom. Can she speak? How can she communicate?
My Mom loved to go outside in a wheelchair.
What really helped my Mom was a wonderful and helpful physical therapist and speech pathologist who helped feed Mom every morning. We helped feed her at lunch and dinner.
Best wishes. I am 76 and think 74 is too young to give up, but I don't know all the facts.
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Reply to Chickie1
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Your mom may be scared and depressed. Her life may have in her mind already ended. What is her prognosis? Will she be able to go home? If so, Let her know that if she works with her doctors she can go home. If she is afraid of that, let her know that help will be available. In other words, find out gently where she is, what she wants, and then provide a path forward with her.

While she is away from home, check her desk or filing cabinet with the person who lives with her, to see if you can find necessary papers for which you are looking.

If your mom is cognizant, and as she makes progress or even if she gets worse, gently ask a question or two each time you see her to find out what you need to know. Do not bombard here. Most importantly, keep her involved in daily information about the family, discuss what meals she would like when she comes home, bring her a treat from home, if allowed. Good luck. Do not give up on your mom. ]
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Reply to KailaS
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MargaretMcKen Aug 31, 2024
If M has had enough and is happy to die, accepting that is NOT "giving up on your Mom".
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Stroke victim here. And I recovered at 74, almost completely. Depression is a given. What happens now is hard to predict. A book, Stroke, the Road to Recovery written by a stroke victim helped me understand what I was going through. Even if your mother won’t or can’t read it, you might understand what is happening right now.
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Iamnotoldyouare Aug 31, 2024
Recovering from a stroke at 54. Thanks for the recommendation, I need to read that book. And to the original post, depression could definitely have a lot to do with it. Good luck!
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Let Mom know with your actions and words, that you don't want to fight with her. Go very, very low key and supportive. You have LOTS of work to do without trying to coax her into cooperation. When she is calm, let her know, "We want to do what YOU want us to do, Mom". With that approach, she just might tell you soon if she has a Will....or not. You have a challenge, I see, with the sister who lives with your Mom, but doesn't know how to do anything. Does sister have intellectual challenges? Is she capable of writing down the 'Bills" that come into the house? You are going into what I call the "Discovery Mode", and sadly: I know how that works. Discovery mode is when you slowly piece together all the parts of your Mom's financial situation, accounts, bills, that she never shared with you. Do not pressure your Mom, as she is likely very depressed that the life she knew: is now "gone" with that Stroke. The father of my friend who had a stroke, asked his friend to bring a gun to him at the hospital, so that he could "end it". I say this not to shock, but to help you understand that your mother may not want to work hard to make optimum gains. She may just want to die (but that's not always easy to pull off). Using kindness and words of support, try to get responses about vital info that you must take over. Kindness and support, and perhaps 2-3 weeks of letting the new meds take effect "might" alter her mood. You need her cooperation. What's to be done about the sister at home who doesn't know how to do anything? Your mother is telling you (at this current time) that she wants to die. The doctors may not be "missing" anything, but please don't think that I don't know how hard it is to grasp that a parent is wanting to die, rather than to cooperate with a medical plan or with Rehab. You are correct: Stop trying to cajole her into following doctor's orders right now. Give her a nice bad rub, bring in some peaceful music, put a soothing lotion on her legs or arms, "show her comfort and caring".
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Reply to fluffy1966
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Your mom need to see a Neurologist and a Psychiatrist. The Psychiatrist may be able to help with both medicine and counseling. There may be some damage to her brain. Strokes can make people angry and depressed too.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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While mom is in the hospital, ask for counsel from the social worker/case manager. This person can help you and your family with the "whose in charge" since every state/province/country has their own laws about this.

Ask the doctor for a referral to hospice/palliative care and psychiatry. Seems your mother does not wish to live with her current ability issues. A psychiatrist can evaluate her mental health and treat for depression, anxiety, agitation... Hospice/palliative care can advise you and your family about options to maximize mom's enjoyment of the life she has without the burden of extending her life or curing disease.
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Reply to Taarna
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This thread is a reminder that when we get closer to death we should have an airtight DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) or medical directives in place so that each of our wishes for care are followed and respected.

(Getting ER doctors, hospital staff, and families to respect your written directives is an issue for another thread.)
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Reply to LostinPlace
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It sounds like she may have decided to implement VSED (Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking). That may be my choice as well at end of life, but I hope to leave my affairs in halfway decent shape for our family.
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Reply to ElizabethAR37
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This sort of reminds me . Some just can not be persuaded to put in the enormous effort to recover . She also may be scared that she won’t recover

Alittle different but , my friend’s father was too scared to have lifesaving cardiac bypass surgery , he chose an earlier natural death .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Perhaps you accept that she ‘wants you to let her go’. However she is leaving you in a mess, with no idea about her finances or assets. Perhaps tell her that you are sad but willing to let her go, but will she first explain the things that you need to know.

If she doesn’t really want to die, this will call her bluff. If she does want to die, it would be a real help for you if she first gives you the information you need.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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fluffy1966 Aug 31, 2024
Good common sense approach, Margaret.
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"She just keeps telling me she wants us to let her go".

"...she shook her fists and tried screaming without any sound".

Your Mother is communicating with her words & her gestures.

What do you think your Mother is saying & showing you?
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Reply to Beatty
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My mother survived multiple strokes. No one mentioned what we now know as the common depression that comes with strokes. In your shoes, I’d insist on more than a psych evaluation and visit. Mom needs some quick therapy to help figure out her true state on mind and wishes for her own future. Everyone deserves to be clear on her condition, hope for recovery, and desire to be here. From there plans need to happen for nutrition or meds or hospice services. Be prepared to accept whatever mom chooses and support her in it. My mother was miserable for years after strokes, very understandably, I can only wish her unhappiness had been shorter. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Definitely sounds like for whatever reason your mother has given up on life, and is now very depressed and is exhibiting what is called "failure to thrive."
It is sad that at the young age of 74 that she seems to have thrown in the towel and is refusing to fight to get some of what she's lost from the stroke back.
You can't make anyone fight if they don't want to, so perhaps it's best that you call in hospice now, so at least she will be kept comfortable and pain free until she passes.
And maybe by calling in hospice that may just be the wake up call your mother needs to decide if she really wants to die or if she wants to decide to fight.
It's her choice.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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How bad was her stroke , did they expect her to be able to walk again ?
Maybe she feels it is too hard to do PT .
Have you asked her what she wants ?
I agree with Grandma 1954 , it’s up to Mom to try to get better or not .

My Mom worked very hard after her stroke to walk again, she did and went home . But I think if she had been already widowed before the stroke she may have just given up .
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Sandydan Aug 25, 2024
She said a @he wants to go and be left alone
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If mom is cognizant ask her what she wants.
Does she want Hospice? If so find a Hospice in your area and have her evaluated/
If mom wants to live and get better she has to start taking her medications and do what the doctors want her to do.
This is HER choice. That is how you support her...
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Reply to Grandma1954
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She may be experiencing, Adult Failure to Thrive. This can be brought on by say a stay in the hospital after a serious illness.
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Reply to cover9339
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Yes we have has 2 psyche visits and she is on meds for that when and if she takes them
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waytomisery Aug 25, 2024
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink …….
If she isn’t taking her meds they won’t work . As it is it can take a month for antidepressants to kick in .
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Depression after a stroke is almost a given . Has Psych seen mom for an eval ?
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