I have been caring for my boyfriend's mom since May 2022 and I NEVER agreed to do this. In 2019, my boyfriend's mom was in and out of the hospital for back pain. For months they focused on her kidneys. Unfortunately, it was a spinal infection that caused her spine to collapse and now she's a paraplegic. She was in the hospital for a few months and then transferred to the nursing home where she was noncompliant and verbally abusive to the staff. On May 1st, her sister brought her home and then left a week later. We only get a nurse twice a week for an hour and a bath aide twice a week. They stopped physical therapy because she isn't going to be able to meet her goal of being able to transfer. She doesn't have control of her bowels and doesn't have a colostomy, which I feel she needs. We have always had a very strained relationship and she has made it known that she doesn't like me and hasn't for the entirety of the 15 years her son and I have been together. After her sister left, my boyfriend moved into her house, leaving me with our 3 children. He sleeps there at night, but if she needs care through the night, he calls me and I have to walk over and take care of her. Throughout the daytime hours, my boyfriend works and I am with her, so are the kids. I can't leave the house to shop or even allow my children to have extracurricular activities because she can't be left alone. Two weeks into caring for her, the doctor started two IV antibiotics that I became responsible for administering, I have ZERO medical training and I'm extremely uncomfortable with this. I also have a hard time transferring her with the hoyer because it's on carpet. Three weeks ago, she had to go to the hospital and they added in a 24hr IV of Lasik that has to be monitored. I told the hospital that I couldn't take care of her while she was still doing the IVs because it makes me uncomfortable performing that kind of care. I found a suitable nursing home for her for the 6-week duration of the IVs. Problem is, I don't want her to come home. I feel that her disability requires more care than I can provide and her family is unwilling to help, even though they were the ones who brought her home and dumped her on us. It's becoming a financial strain on our family and my children now resent their grandma because they can't have friends over and they can't do extracurricular activities this year. In addition, my relationship with her son is falling apart. How do I gracefully bow out? Is there any way to do so and spare my 15-year relationship? Am I in the wrong for wanting to put myself and my children first? Is putting my mental and physical health first?
Just adding for clarification that I only started caring for her because I was told by the nursing home she was released from that if I didn't take care of her that I could be charged criminally for neglect and abandonment.
Shes still living in her house, which can be sold.
Then tell ur SO that Mom is more then you can handle because it takes a trained person to care for her. He is going to need to use any money and assets Mom has for her care and when depleted, he will have to apply for Medicaid. HE will need to do this because he is her son. You are going to need to take that chance or you will be caring for her. Tell ur SO that your children are a priority. They are entitled to lives.
This is 100% on the bedmate and his sister.
The first thing I would do is ask your boyfriend if he is prepared to find an alternative solution for her in a care home, which is where she belongs. If he says NO, you walk away. Your kids should be your (and his) priority. If he is not prepared to do that, you have no other option than to walk away.
The OP has absolutely no tie to her boyfriend's mother.
Leave, inform your BF that you will not be party to this one more day.
In all cases your minor children come first. Your BF has his priorities all screwed up, don't you make the same mistake.
I don't see how you can possibly salvage your relationship since he expects indentured servitude from you on behalf of his mother, including getting up with her in the night! And to take care of your 3 children at the same time. Your children are being neglected in the course of you being forced to care for his mother, which you did not sign up for in the first place. Have a Come to Jesus meeting with the man immediately, letting him know you plan to tell the hospital she's an UNSAFE DISCHARGE b/c you will NOT be caring for her at home for one more minute PERIOD. See what he has to say about that, and go from there. I would be livid if this were me and I was put into this situation to begin with. He has some nerve saddling you with this outrageous situation and NO you are not wrong for putting your children first! You are not a trained medical professional NOR were you on board with this 'assignment' you were given under FALSE PRETENSES (being told you'd be charged with criminal negligence & abandonment for someone you're not even RELATED TO ffs).
Please look after yourself and your children now, that's the most important thing you can do. IF and when your b/f comes around and says the right thing, including that he WILL place his mother in a nursing home under Medicaid, then you can think about whether or not you want to continue with this relationship. But I'd wait until she's actually LIVING in the nursing home first and not rely on cheap talk from him until it actually happens and she's out of the house permanently. This is way too much of a medical nightmare for you to handle; the woman needs professional care in a Skilled Nursing Facility moving forward.
Sometimes we have to ask the tough questions in a relationship and face the possibility of getting answers we don't want to hear. Why are you together for 15 years with 3 children and still unmarried? That's a question for you to answer yourself, not a forum of strangers. And why have you been scared to talk to your bf about this situation with his mother and are asking a forum what to do rather than him? A strong relationship should be able to bear the stress of all this. I hope yours can and does.
Best of luck.
So here you are in a holding pattern hoping to god she is just sent to a nursing home from the hospital so you wont have to test your relationship.
I think you already know your boyfriend will choose mom over you.
This.
You stepped up to help.
The care needs are increasing. It is now too much.
So another solution need to be found.
- just common sense
If you suspect guilting/pressure/arguing + more from boyfriend over this, side-step him on this matter for now.
YOU were providing the care - so YOU can quit. This will allow a NEW care plan for G'Ma. With MORE carers, probably NH. If this is needed - then it is needed. Again, common sense.
Is G'Ma is still in hospital?
If so, TODAY: call & arrange a meeting with the hospital social worker ASAP. Do not take no due to 'not a blood relative'. Explain you were the primary caregiver but cannot go on. Say it without any blame or feelings, just state what you did below;
"I feel that her disability requires more care than I can provide".
Then stand firm.
No need to *tactfully* tell Boyfriend anything.
Tell him once it is done. That G'Ma needs a higher level of care - so it will be arranged.
You do not need his approval or permission. You may need the help of the social worker or even a women's councillor service though if things get tougher.
Your boyfriend of 15 years, with whom you have 3 children, decided - without the courtesy of a discussion with you - to become the full-time caregiver to his mom who is a non-compliant paraplegic. And in addition, he expects when he calls you, that you drop whatever it is you're doing to trot on over to mom's house and do the parts of caregiving that he finds disagreeable?
I think the time for a "tactful" discussion came and went some time ago, wouldn't you agree?
Has he always been this disrespectful of you? Has he made any other major, life-changing decisions without discussion with you?
I would tell him point blank that, whether mom comes back to her home or is removed to a nursing home, you are done with ANY caregiving responsibilities for her...that if he chooses to bring her back to her home, he might as well move in there with her, because you will be unavailable to help and he will be unwelcome in your home...that you will be shutting off your phone at night and otherwise blocking his calls. When you say it, you must mean it, otherwise it's any empty threat. You have kids, you know how those work. It might mean the end of this relationship, but anyone who would show you such total disregard is not someone worth wasting one more minute with.
If he wants to shackle himself to his mother for the rest of her life being her caretaker, that doesn't mean you are required to wear the chains along with him.
You and your kids are not his priority. Move out and let him care for mother himself. When he finally figures out what is most important, then discuss your future together.
Drop her off in a hospital ER. She needs professional care that you cannot provide and nor should you.
Secondly, you should kick her son to the curb and go find yourself a proper man. One who will have enough respect for you to make an honest woman of you. No decent man sires three children on a woman and she's still the 'girlfriend'. You deserve better than that.
The second your boyfriend finds your upgrade (and he will) you will be out in the cold and without a legal leg to stand on because you're not married. This means there are no division of marital assets and no alimony. You may get child support for your kids, or you may not depending on whether or not their father fights you to be the custodial parent they live with the majority of the time.
Move on with your life, sister. No part of this situation sounds like anything worth sticking around for. Not for you and not for your kids either. What kind of moral example is their father setting for them when he won't make a commitment to the woman he has three children with? What kind of example are you setting for your kids to see that their mother allows herself to be so demeaned and disrespected by their father and his mother?
When I stepped out of doing one second of CG for my DH's mom, I caught holy ****. He called me selfish, cruel, thoughtless, uncaring and I stood my ground. I had 2 kids still at home and many grandkids I wanted to enjoy--caring for his mother was awful as she was as mean to me as she could be. No matter what I did, it was wrong, stupid, useless, etc. I'd cry my eyes out on the ride home every single time I had to step in to do something for her.
I was not 'tactful' with DH because the time for tact had passed 15+ years prior. I just had to be tough. Not mean. Tough. I told DH he had to deal with his mom and I would support him in doing so, but I would no longer visit her or do anything hands on for her.
On some level he is still angry with me, but that's his choice.
and
" In addition my relationship with her son is falling apart."
I can't believe the nerve of your BF to call you and expect YOU to go over and attend to mil's nighttime needs! So YOU never get a decent night's sleep? That is a form of abuse.
You are totally dependent on your BF for support. Please don't accept slavery as the only way to live.
1 min ago
Edit
As I said It's a very complicated situation.. We do not live with his mother we live in a home that his mother owns.. We pay rent and all of the utilities. I was doing some side work during the school year while the kids were in school until she came home from the nursing home. My boyfriend works for the school district and makes really good money but with paying for her medical supplies that she needs that aren't covered by Medicare and buying groceries for 2 household's, it's a financial strain. I understand that maybe I should have probably suggested years ago that we move but what's the difference if we pay rent here anyways? He wanted to be close to his parents and I was ok with that. I am grown, I have always contributed to our finances even if it wasn't a lot or if it came out of my savings. I get that maybe the way I worded it made it sound like I am a mooch or whatever but, that's the farthest thing from the truth. I hoped that I would find kindness, understanding and good solid advice from compassionate people like myself but instead I am told to grow up.
Here's an idea.
Why don't the two of you (your boyfriend and yourself) grow the h*ll up and figure out how to make a life and home for your family.
You are adults that made three children together. Time to move out.
No more stay-at-home mom business for you because you and your FAMILY can't afford it.
GET A JOB! If you have your own money, you get a seat at the table. When you don't work, then you are dependent on whatever table scraps you're thrown and must abide by whatever conditions come with them. Have some respect for yourself.
God help your kids if you and their father will allow them to grow up in such an unhealthy and dysfunctional home.
If the two of you work full-time, you will be able to move out of his mother's house. Then you will both be able to start living like normal, functioning adults. You and your partner can then make a healthy home to raise your kids in.
It's time to move. You and your partner have to be adults now and make a life together with your kids, or make one separate from each other. If you continue to live in his mom's house you will become the designated caregiver because you will be the one who's "there". For your own sake and your kids, don't be "there" anymore.
I think you need to see an elder lawyer to explain how this all works in your State. I am just giving u basics that a lawyer maybe able to work around. It needs to be an EL because they know Medicaid. Once you know your rights, you can make informed decisions concerning your life.
Think about that.
I'm from a generation that expects families to be bound by marriage if for no reason than to show solidarity and commitment. I've known far too many women who didn't marry the father of her kids and they walked out when things got rough. No 'legal' ramifications, to speak of. Just left.
If you were independently well off, this wouldn't be a problem, and I have nothing but respect for SAHM's--b/c the world rests on our backs--we are often raising not only our OWN kids, but half the neighborhood, too. And running the PTA and Scouts and carpools and being the go-to mom when somebody else's kid gets sick at school--get my drift?
You do pay rent and utilities and that's good. You are not only NOT dependent on his mom, you are INDEPENDENT from her and should embrace that.
I have a feeling that his sibs look at you as a cheap form of labor--and you're feeding in to that.
Do you worry that if you tell him you no longer wish to be a CG to his mom that he is going to do something to get back at you? I sense a level of fear that this is what you feel might happen.
None of us can make this decision for you. If you do nothing, then nothing will change.
Personally, I'd like to be as independent from my kids and my parents as possible. Life seems to be a lot more pleasant and drama free when you're pulling your own weight.
30+ more years of financially aiding a perfectly able bodied woman to live her life will burn you to a crisp. Your kids should come first--but you know that. They will grow to resent her and you for this--trust me.
I do wish you luck and the strength to handle this situation.
1) I never signed any such documents
2) Her sisters were the only people who ever attended any meetings and signed paperwork.
3) Her sisters signed the release papers
You are not related to this woman in any way. She is not your Mother and she is not even your Mother in law. So whether under the law, or morally, she is not your responsibility.
Nowhere in your missive us do you mention a conversation with your boyfriend about his mother, about who will care for her ongoing, or about what is to be done about her. Meanwhile your relationship with your own son, who I am assuming is not the son of your boyfriend (?) is deteriorating. To be honest he is your first responsibility. Not your boyfriend and not your boyfriend's Mom.
If your boyfriend cannot caregive his Mom (and he cannot while he is working full time) then the Mom should be in a facility that can care for her. She has many needs and she will likely need application to medicaid in order to be placed, but that as well as everything else here is not your responsibility.
I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend now and tell him that you are unwilling and unable to continue as the caregiver to his Mom. Tell him that she now needs to be placed and that he will have to contact social services involved in her case in order to begin that process. Do not offer to do it for him. Give him a reasonable timeline, say a month to begin this process. Let him know that this is a deal breaker, and that you will be moving out if this is not done.
You have not yourself been working. I realize you may have no savings and may need to go to a shelter, get a job, and save slowly toward being able to minimally house your son and yourself. You can, from there, do what you can to see, to help your boyfriend and his Mom.
The choice is yours. And by no means is the path and easy one no matter WHICH path you choose. My heart goes out to you all. This is a difficult, really a terrible situation.
You are at a point where you HAVE to say that you are uncomfortable with the level of care that she needs.
Tell your "BF" (I'm not gonna go there but....) that you can no longer care for her. IF you are included in any of the meetings with the medical staff you make it perfectly clear that YOU are not going to be able to continue giving her the level of care that she needs. Another word to use is SAFETY. Tell everyone that you do not feel that it is safe for you to continue caring for her. (does not matter if you are talking about your physical or mental safety or her safety.)
Now....
If your BF calls and asks for help you tell him that you can't help any longer, you are uncomfortable with the level of care that she needs. Repeat as often as is necessary.
15 years is a long time. Are there plans that you two will marry? If not and you are happy with that arrangement then let things continue on as they are. If you are not happy with that arrangement now is the time that you step back.
Date him if you want.
Often what happens when you are a caregiver you are burned out and have little time, energy left for a relationship. If you want the relationship to grow step back as a caregiver. He may realize that there needs to be a change. Either caregivers are hired OR mom is placed in Skilled Nursing.
But I think the "friends with benefits" should be put on hold.
You and your kids should be priority.
If you need to talk to a lawyer about child support.
The tragedy on this forum is there are so many women in your similar situation.
Perhaps this is your boyfriend suggestions, as it looks to me like he manipulated you into full participation in his mother’s care.
It is not too late telling him no, his mother is his responsibility ,it is crucial for your health and well being of your children.
Too many women on this forum find themselves in this predicament, assumption being made they can do it all.
It requires total decision making, setting your priorities and learning to say no.