I have been caring for my boyfriend's mom since May 2022 and I NEVER agreed to do this. In 2019, my boyfriend's mom was in and out of the hospital for back pain. For months they focused on her kidneys. Unfortunately, it was a spinal infection that caused her spine to collapse and now she's a paraplegic. She was in the hospital for a few months and then transferred to the nursing home where she was noncompliant and verbally abusive to the staff. On May 1st, her sister brought her home and then left a week later. We only get a nurse twice a week for an hour and a bath aide twice a week. They stopped physical therapy because she isn't going to be able to meet her goal of being able to transfer. She doesn't have control of her bowels and doesn't have a colostomy, which I feel she needs. We have always had a very strained relationship and she has made it known that she doesn't like me and hasn't for the entirety of the 15 years her son and I have been together. After her sister left, my boyfriend moved into her house, leaving me with our 3 children. He sleeps there at night, but if she needs care through the night, he calls me and I have to walk over and take care of her. Throughout the daytime hours, my boyfriend works and I am with her, so are the kids. I can't leave the house to shop or even allow my children to have extracurricular activities because she can't be left alone. Two weeks into caring for her, the doctor started two IV antibiotics that I became responsible for administering, I have ZERO medical training and I'm extremely uncomfortable with this. I also have a hard time transferring her with the hoyer because it's on carpet. Three weeks ago, she had to go to the hospital and they added in a 24hr IV of Lasik that has to be monitored. I told the hospital that I couldn't take care of her while she was still doing the IVs because it makes me uncomfortable performing that kind of care. I found a suitable nursing home for her for the 6-week duration of the IVs. Problem is, I don't want her to come home. I feel that her disability requires more care than I can provide and her family is unwilling to help, even though they were the ones who brought her home and dumped her on us. It's becoming a financial strain on our family and my children now resent their grandma because they can't have friends over and they can't do extracurricular activities this year. In addition, my relationship with her son is falling apart. How do I gracefully bow out? Is there any way to do so and spare my 15-year relationship? Am I in the wrong for wanting to put myself and my children first? Is putting my mental and physical health first?
Just adding for clarification that I only started caring for her because I was told by the nursing home she was released from that if I didn't take care of her that I could be charged criminally for neglect and abandonment.
This lady is clearly not obligated by law to do so.
You have 3 kids and 15 years with a guy who won't put a ring on your finger and treats you literally as an unpaid nurse that he takes for granted and you're questioning whether to put yourself first??!?!?!?!
Re: He sleeps there at night, but if she needs care through the night, he calls me and I have to walk over and take care of her. "
You don't have to - you choose to because you won't put your foot down. Why doesn't your boyfriend care for her?? Sounds like he is wimping out and happy to let you carry the load.
Re: " I only started caring for her because I was told by the nursing home she was released from that if I didn't take care of her that I could be charged criminally for neglect and abandonment."
How can you be charged if you're not her legal guardian or family?? Who told you this??
OH MY GOD. Girlfriend, I hate to say this but you're a doormat. *YOUR* inability to say No and draw boundaries is ruining your life (and now your kids lives too) and this is on you because the only one who can change this situation is you. I rarely say this here but girl, please get a BACKBONE!! Have this woman put into a facility where they can properly care for her and get on with your life!! Your kids deserve better than this.
Where do women get this messed-up martyr complex?? I would not become an unpaid nurse for a guy who would not marry me. Talk about not having to buy the cow AND getting the milk for free!
We are having a legal contract drawn up by a lawyer which will clearly state that we will have no family (other than our son) living with us for the purpose of caregiving or other wise. Neither one of us will relocate to a family member's home and make it our residence for the purpose of becoming live-in caregivers.
The one who will violate this contract may have to forfeit their share of the property. We haven't worked out the language yet.
This is how serious we are about not being roped into becoming family caregivers.
For real Forcedcaregiver lives in a separate house from the boyfriend and he moved in with his mother?
Holy crap. The guy has three kids with her and won't even shack-up with her in the same house?
Thay girl needs to take her kids and walk away. Go searching for some greener pastures and all.
1. I am no longer able to care for your mother
expect bf to throw up objections
2. Caring for you mother is something I can no longer do.
expect bf to object more
3. I simply cannot care for your mom
expect bf to object
4. Go back to #1, repeat the sequence as needed
Do not be deterred. Repeat as needed. Bf may dump you but he is not much of a bf.
again, it’s none of our business.
how ‘bout you ease up on the assumptions and snarky, repetitive, comments on her financials?
I know how trust funds work. They don't pay out with a handful of magic beans so the person can plant a beanstalk, climb it, then get the gold. Key word here is 'fund'. Fund = money.
They pay actual money. Actual money is accepted everywhere. This is what pays for things like a new home for a person and their kids if said person wants to exit a bad situation.
F.Y.I. in case you or the OP doesn't know, jobs pay in actual money too.
You know, I showed this thread to my better half and asked him about trust funds because he's a business/finance guy. He told me that people don't set up trust funds when it's small sums of money. That no, maybe there isn't millions of dollars set up for someone, but no one gets a trust fund for a few thousand dollars. The OP has free money. Money means freedom. Money means not having to live in a house owned by your baby-daddy's mother or be her caregiver.
As for her situation not being my business or anyone's for that matter, if you're putting your business out publically... there it is.
Why don't you try skipping over all the repetitive comments if don't care for reading them?
I'm pretty sure no one is propping your eyes open and forcing you to read them.
OP, your mil probably has Medicare to pay for the nh, but that won’t last for long. If she does go into one permanently, the rental home you live in might be the first asset to go. Often, rental deals with family are far more lenient. If your bf is mostly supporting four ppl plus expenses for mil, I suspect this to be the case.
Running away with your children unannounced would be a bad move. Amber Alerts are issued for cases like this.
I think your best choice is
1. You get a job that will remove you both from mil and your children during the day. He is at work, so are you. If any one of your kids is a teenager, they can look after their sibs for a couple hours after school while you work.
Marriage doesn't only convey certain rights to the mom, it also extends those rights to dad. In this case, unless SO's boyfriend has already proactively been to court to sue for custody rights, OP can pack up those kids and move them wherever she chooses, and 99% of the time, the courts are loathe to interfere with that. Unless and until an order is issued otherwise, the courts will consider OP the primary custodial parent, and as such she can make decisions with the best interest of those kids in mind, including, but not limited to moving them elsewhere without BF's permission, or even his knowledge. Not illegal in even the broadest sense of the word.
Your question - how do I tactfully tell my BF...?
You use the same language he uses. (Was he tactful w/you?)
He said in effect - "Here you go babe, plop".
You should've equally replied - "Back at you, no way".
You could've added "But let's find out together where she can be best cared for."
In a solid relationship there's no need to worry about talking.
It seems that this is a custom designed self distructive life you're living by your own doing. Look at the progression - Consenting to having a life long "boy" as your partner. And how sexy is that to have 3 kids with an irresponsible legally uncommitted "boyfriend". I'm gagging at that word. No woman wants a boy for the father of her children. Think of the lessons that are being picked up by your children, and now you allow yourself to be used to death?
Maybe you had bad examples in your life as a child. Maybe you're a liberated female. But there's no such thing especially with 4 children. Yes, I said four. You're hooked up with a mama's boy. If you had made vows you would know the part that says - "Let no man put asunder" which means even mama doesn't come between you.
Women's absolute job is to make sure they pick a good father/provider not a good stud.
It's great if a woman can help her man but you can't even help yourself and your children properly.
Practice any of these lines in any sequence you'd like -
- I wish I could but I can't. Here are some phone numbers. You must look for other options.
- This is hurting our children.
- I'm not equiped to take care of your mom inaddition to making a home and family life for you and our children.
- I'm being torn into ten pieces.
What the hospital told you is baloney. That's what they say to be able to dump her out. When someone tells you something that strikes fear into you, take a deep breath and tell them calmly that you need to see the rules in writing, and that you'll see who can legally help, and remember that you are not family or responsible.
You can tell them that you'll convey the message to a relative of hers, and walk the heck out. You've got to back off.
You ask - How to spare your 15 year relationship? Does he spare you? Get help from a social worker. Tell your "boyfriend" (jeez, does that make me shiver. Doesn't "boy" make you feel shame for him?) that he must grow up. One of you has got to become a take-charge adult.
You - Am I wrong to want to put myself and my children first?
H*LY CR*P if you can ask such a question you should never have had children. It is your duty. It is your job. You are The Mama Bear. If you have female children do you want them to live like you. If you have male children do you want them to not be honorable stand-up men that carry an equal if not heavier load. What happened to you that you think you have to ASK if you should protect your children, which means also ensuring that you are in the best condition, the best strong and determined mom for them?
Women are fighting to be captains of industry, military leaders, explorers and President and you are wondering if you should demand the most basic of consideration.
And this is hilarious and sad, you said "I told them that I feel uncomfortable…" for cripes sake jettison that phrase forever sweet pea, woman, mother of 4 boys, you're not a wimp, you cannot be a wimp. Uncomfortable? Woman up.
Calm as buddha, with all the right and justice on your side you say with blossoming heartfelt wisdom "I will not, I cannot do that. I'm a mother of several children and there's no way that I can provide the care this senior lady needs and give my children what they need."
Beside everything else are you not supervising your children, monitoring their homework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, making them yummy lunches to take to school, taking them to museums, and reading to them?
Search online- How to pronounce NO.
ForcedCaregiver is doing the "Woah is me!" cry yet she volunteered for this AND won't put her foot down. She chooses to stay in a HIGHLY dysfunctional situation but wants pity for it when the only sane choice is to walk away. She acts like she is powerless and whines about being coerced by threat of lawsuit into being a forced caregiver. It's annoying at this point. She has NO blood or marital relation to the grandmother and is not a legal guardian so she has to stop using that nonsense as a crutch to play victim like there is a gun to her head forcing her to be a caregiver.
The bottom line is that she lacks the courage to make hard decisions and say NO. Until that changes she's going to be burdened with this disaster and her kids will suffer.
You have also been on the receiving end of some unbelievably ugly comments, that really do show the gaping flaws in a forum such as this. These are unavoidable I am afraid. I just encourage you to take from this WHAT YOU NEED, and what will help you in your current situation.
Please ignore the venom. As several kind folks have pointed out, it is NOBODY'S business what your marital status is--- nobody's. It is NOBODY'S business whether or not you have a trust fund. I think that you shared that information as a piece to the puzzle, to call off the wolves who were saying "grow the h*ll up and GET A JOB!" Which then led to lovely comments of "I don't feel sorry for her, she is playing the victim and martyr...don't feel sorry for her, she is rich as h*ll....."
Not to mention the total disrespect for the role that the FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN. The only thing that has shut that train down is the fact that Peggy pointed out the well-respected contributor on these boards, Alva, is likewise not married to her partner. ForcedCG has pointed out she is not married BY HER CHOICE-- let it alone already....
Mymomsthebest, you hit the nail on the head in your comments directed at one vocal poster, "You somehow are angry at her for not standing up for herself ; which is likely what she came here to get the reassurance and support to achieve. Then you are more angry somehow that she has the financial means to help herself and her children in this situation . Now you continue on this thread to keep adding your resentful two cents , PERHAPS FORGETTING THAT THIS FORUM IS MEANT FOR HELPING OTHERS"
ForcedGC, I really do hope that as this thread continues, you continue to come back and absorb only the helpful comments-- and before someone jumps on this-- I do NOT mean ONLY those comments that are agreeable and will stroke her ego-- I mean those comments that are HELPFUL specific to her situation.
Leave the comments on trust funds, "baby-daddy", martyrdom, "make an honest woman out of her", etc etc out of this. SO not helpful, or relevant.
There are plenty of people in long term relationships who have children. Why they choose or chose not to marry is their business. Who are we to judge? I can understand her adding the part about the trust fund to shed light on her situation.
ForcedCG is at the crossroads where the majority of us eventually end up when it comes down to making a final decision of letting our loved-ones go in order to save ourselves. We make a decision to save our lives, marriages, children, homes, and sanity during the process. Sometimes we find ourselves trapped in situations out of family turning their backs on a family member and we step up. I remember what an advocate said to me years ago. She said that once we decide to give up, someone else will step up and fill the spot. Sometimes our loved ones pass on before they are placed in a long term facility. People who try to force us to take on the responsibility by guilting tripping us into not leaving are trying to protect their themselves out of their own guilt and fear. So, they project their feelings onto the person who is stuck in the situation and continue with their own lives. In other words, the person who is doing all of the work becomes the family scapegoat for family to dump and disparage.
And it's not like we haven't seen spouses do the same thing - only usually it works out that the LO who needs care is moved into the marital home, rather than spouse taking care of LO in LO's home. But often we see how spouse agrees to become a caregiver without the courtesy of a conversation with their partner. And often, as is the case with Forced CG, there is an unreasonable expectation of partner jumping into the caregiving breach right alongside the spouse willingly and without complaint.
In this case, remaining unmarried might turn out to be the smartest decision OP has made, because IF she chooses to remove herself from her situation, it will be much less complicated than a divorce would be.
my sister shacked up with a guy, had a baby and put him on the deed if HER house. After 15 years and multiple taps on the equity her SO left and she was stuck with all the debt. A marriage license would have given her the right to go to court and he would have been responsible for helping to pay the debt.
courts recognize marriage a contractual union and as such both people have rights.
she did get the idiot to sign over the deed and she ended up having to sell the house.
the Mother in me wants to protect this woman and her kids. The kids would have rights in court as far as child support but she wouldn’t
COMMUNICATION, non-confrontational but direct, about
not only the “boyfriend’s” mother’s on-going health situation
but the ripple effect it is having on you, your shared children and your relationship together, is VITAL at this point. Get help in setting up such a CONVERSATION, so the facts as
you state are clearly set out with a social worker familiar with your boyfriend’s mother’s situation BEFORE she is
discharged back to an in-home situation. You ALL deserve better than what’s been going on, up to this point! Get a
plan of action set up that you can ALL agree upon.
Most of us don't care if they're married or not, just pointing out that if she WERE married, she wouldn't be out of the street with no means of support if she leaves.
The OP admits to having a trust fund. Even if the boyfriend/baby-daddy and his mother throw her out she has resources and can get a place.