How do I take the leap and move in with mom?

No no no no no! Spend some time in this form looking at questions and answers. It terrifies me sometimes reading the issues and problems people encounter when they take on the care of an elderly person, no matter how well-intentioned they are.

Do you have children? Remember what it was like dealing with a 2, 3, 4 year-old? Diapers, toileting, bathing, bedtimes, constant questions and tantrums? Now put that attitude into a 95 year old! And add in the size issue. Can you safely help her to get up? Do you call 911 to make sure she isn’t hurt?

My 93 year old mother, in MC, has fallen 5 times in the past week alone. If she was living with me I would have to be with her 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t forget and try to get up to reach something, or go to the bathroom.

What about food, room temperature, TV programs, etc. It's her home and she probably won’t want to adapt to you or your routines. Covid will make you a prisoner, no outside trips, no shopping, no hairdressers, nothing! Just you and Mom 24 hours a day.

I know a lot of people think it’s terrible to move an elderly person into a care facility but the staff there is trained to deal with all the issues the residents might have. And then they get to leave and go home after a 6-8 hour shift.

I know from experience that not everyone has the temperament to deal with the elderly and an bless everyone who works in these facilities.

Your Mom has had it her way for 95 years, maybe it’s time for her to do what you need for a change.

Rosa, why would you even consider this? Sometimes we have to wait for an accident or emergency to get them the help they need. A fall, anything that leads to a hospitalization then into care appropriate for them.

By moving in you are only enabling her to continue to live in an unsafe situation. You will be locked in with her 24/7; I am sure that is not what you want. Even with you there accidents and falls will still happen.

Sometimes we just have to sit back and let them fail.

U are so lucky to move in with her !!!

my mom is alz and locked up in a nursing home long term / hospice . COVID !!!!


i used to pray I could be with my mom , now I just wait for a ph call for end of life ...


WE ARENT ALLOWED TO VISIT !

PAY 10,650.00 a month .

move in ! Enjoy every minute 😫

u r so lucky !!! 🙏

Can we just clarify the POA point?

You hold power of attorney FOR someone. Not *over* them. So even with POA or MPOA, the arguments don't get any less. You can't just wave the document under her nose and tell her you are now the law; your "power" is the power to carry out her decisions, made when she was in her right mind, and as far as practicable in compliance with her wishes.

Besides - would she even give you power of attorney? I'm sort of guessing, not without the mother of all arguments.

I am just this minute returned from a heck of a round. Almost all clients are either absolute love-buns, or at least colourful characters who can be forgiven a lot on that score; but there seems to have been a run on the market of older people whose children are terrified for them but to whom we are... not necessarily very welcome. I still love them, don't misunderstand me, but they can be... a challenge.

Still! - It's a challenge that's part of the job, building a relationship with a client so that she stops looking on you as a pest and eventually, grudgingly, agrees that you might not be entirely useless. Our new client Mrs Martinet, as I shall forever think of her now, bit my head off three times in the first two minutes and didn't thaw out until I recited back to her her list of instructions verbatim. Tea, mug not too full, strong, no sugar, very little milk. I was wise to the very little milk thing, and took the jug into her so she could "say when." But sure enough, she wanted the mug fuller than that - indicated a precise line 1 and a quarter inches below the rim, so back I trotted to the kitchen. You need an even temper and a sense of humour in this job. I should add, if my spine were as curved and my bottom as sore as hers, and I had to wait for someone to help me out of my chair when I was in a hurry to use the commode, I don't suppose I'd be sweetness and light either. You really do have to make allowances.

Anyhow. You don't need power of attorney to make enquiries of a home help service. Consult one or two, and see how they feel about assessing your mother's needs without her prior agreement to a contract. They would of course need your mother's consent to an initial, no-obligation meeting. To work on that: what sort of thing has your mother not been able to do recently that she actually *wants* to be able to do?

Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do as a child is to realize your limitations and seek professional help for caregiving. It takes more than loving someone to be an effective caregiver; if all it took was love, everyone could do it, and we would have no need for a support forum!

If you needed your plumbing redone, there would be no shame in saying "I can't do this, I would be in way over my head if I tried, and I might do more damage than good. So it's time to call a plumber." No shame in that, right? Well, there should be no shame either in "Mom needs someone to take care of her. I can't do it. I would be in way over my head if I tried, and I might do more damage than good. So it's time to call for professional caregivers."

Don't let ANYONE guilt you into making a decision that you you are almost sure will not work out. Not your mom, not your sibs, no one here, and most especially NOT YOURSELF!

Good luck! I hope you can find a solution to keep mom safe and healthy!

Please don't.

IF AL or SNF is off the table, then if anyone is going to move, it should be your mother!

Thank you everyone for your wisdom. You’re all right; I’m jumping the gun. It’s the beginning of the road to difficulty, for sure. But I’ve been reaching out and I’ve found some support to help me start planning whatever the next steps should be.

Like so many others, my mom is fiercely independent and pushes away so many suggestions for help. I honestly do think she would accept more help from me ( I’m the “favorite”), which I am not currently providing because of Covid.

Right now my biggest question is, how many of you have POA? Without POA, can I hire helpers for her?
Did many of you get POA at this stage when your parent was starting to need help? I think my mom would always refuse to sign anything like that.

I am assuming that without POA, every medical/health decision will simply be an argument? I’ve seen other posts from people who have similar frustrations, trying to get home health aides when the parent refuses. But some of you are able to have your parents move into AL. Is that from exerting power with the POA or just from convincing the parent?

Thanks.

Please don’t.

Your mother has refused help in the past; what makes you think that she is going to accept someone moving in with her?

And why do you think that you should abandon your family (husband, kids?) to move in with her if she refuses outside help? What makes her refusal more important than your life?

Your mother is an adult, and from the sounds of it is competent to make her own choices.

Has her doctor told her that she can no longer live alone? What is her plan for that?

Hold your horses!

Do you have your mother's agreement to this grand plan of yours?

How do I take the leap and move in with Mom? Short answer. YOU DON’T!

Is there a real financial incentive for this? Would you be compensated? If you are going to devote so much of your time, energy and attention, I’d get a legal consult about preparing a contract for services. Check into how she might compensate you, Medicaid potential, etc. and how her assets may be used, keeping her future needs in mind. If you really don’t want to do it, I wouldn’t, but, if might offer some benefits, if you plan properly. Plus, I bet it would mean a lot to your mother.

Rosa, just remember that at your own age, ‘taking a leap’ can result in falls, broken bones, permanent disability, and MANY REGRETS.

Rosa, are you crazy? Why would you even consider placing yourself in a situation that the very thought of it causes you depression and desperation?

Just because your mom doesn't want to change her living situation does not obligate you to prop up her false independence.

No is a complete sentence. She needs a village at this point and you are not a village.

If your mother is no longer capable of living independently, that means she needs to live someplace else where care givers are available to her 24/7; not that you 'must' move into her home because she 'doesn't want' to move out of it. She'd like to live 'independently' but she's unable to do so if she's dependent upon YOU to stay in her own home. We can't always get what we want in life, especially as we live to very, very old age.

If you are dreading this move NOW, you will be truly miserable once you make the move, and pretty much captive inside the house to boot, thanks to the plague. Depression is a real thing and not something you should saddle yourself down with.

Getting mom into a nice Assisted Living place is not a 'crime' or a 'sin' and it's something you need to seriously consider doing rather than offering to move in with her. I placed both of my folks into AL back in 2014 and it was a great decision for all concerned, no regrets. My mother is still alive at nearly 94 and now in the Memory Care bldg of the same AL. She gets great care over there and is able to socialize with others and do activities daily. Being alone all day with only one other person *you* to rely on for everything is not the ideal situation for EITHER of you.

I hope you take the advice you've been given here to heart, and that we don't hear back from you in 6 months saying Why Did I Make This Mistake, And How Do I Get OUT? It's much easier to move her into AL now than it is to move yourself OUT of there and her into an AL once you move IN!

Best of luck!

I agree whole heartedly with AlvaDeer. If you are dreading the move, then you should not do it.

You are planning to go from a Non-caregiver to a Fulltime caregiver? Did you ever want to be a nurse? If the answer is "NO!!", then you should not be a caregiver to your Mom--especially during a quarantine.

Your desire to help is wonderful, BUT you are trying to help in a way that is offensive and distasteful to you and fills you with lots of negative emotions. Would you want someone who feels that way to take care of you? You may find yourself taking your anger out on your Mom and end up emotional and maybe physically abusing her. Do you want that to happen?

Your Mom is 95 years old and she is going to need more and more help each month and each year. Maybe it is time to stand your ground and tell your Mom and your siblings that your Mom needs to have Home Health Aides or she needs to go to Assisted Living because you are NOT going to do something that you really don't want to do--be a nurses' aide for your Mom.

I would say don't do it. Your family is important. Maybe time, if Mom can afford it, to place her into an AL. If she needs that much help that you are thinking of moving in with her, time to find her help.

Do you have your own family?   I really think this is a mistake to leap into this.   My mom is in decline, which started in her mid 90s and now she is 101.

Being”full of dread” in any life situation, means that before moving ahead, every possible potential solution needs to be explored.
Who is included in the family you have to leave?

It seems to me that you already know that this is not a decision you should have made, yet you are determined to go through with it? I think your dread is telling you that you have this one more chance to change your mind, and then that is over. Listen to your own better angels. This is probably a decision you already know is the wrong decision for you.