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My mother has COPD, A Fib, Hypertension, Hypothyroidism, Gerdes, and to top it off Alzheimer. Also in the past mini strokes. She had a fall 2 years ago and had a Subdural Hematoma. She has never been the same since then. The Alzheimer's is in the late stage. She can't stand or walk with out assistance. She has had a lot of falls, she thinks she can still walk on her own. I took care of her for the last 3 years. I am not a young chicken and it really took over my life. Taking care of my mother was not easy. She slept most of the day. I had to wake her to eat or to go to the bathroom. It was getting hard for me for me to pick her up all day. My back would go out, I sprained my Knee and my hip was giving me problems. Even though she slept my job did not stop. I couldn't go anywhere, I had to give up my job. I love my mother and I didn't really want to put her into a home, but, I just could not do it any longer. Now she hates my. She thinks that she is only there until I feel better. I don't know how to tell her that she is there permanently. She needs the care I can not give her anymore. When I visit her I can see in her eyes that she is not happy there and wants to come home. I asked if she needed anything. She told me to get her the hell out of here. Sorry Mom!
I want to thank the Aging Care Team for giving me information on the VA. I signed up for assistance and they approved. She does not qualify for Medicaid. So I have to pay cash for the Assistant Living.
I just had to b***h to someone. So thank you for bending an ear. You all have a great day.

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Love includes loving yourself, not just your elderly mother who's become too much for you to manage at home now. For your own wellbeing and hers, it's time for placement in Memory Care Assisted Living now. My mother moved into Memory Care when she was 92 and regular AL could no longer manage all of her needs in addition to the progressed dementia. She was cared for by a very loving and attentive staff of caregivers mom called "my girls". Everyone should be so fortunate to have the funds for such care at end of life times.

When mom gets asking the repeated questions about when she's going home, tell her she's living there for now "on doctors orders" and leave it at that. If and when "the doctor " says she can go home, THEN you'll talk about it. Mom can get angry at the doctor. It never works out that way, of course, they always seem to rage at US!

Good luck!
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helpingmom91 Feb 2023
Thank you for your reply. Every bit of support and information is helpful. And yes she is in an Assistant Living Facility. My mother is paying for some of the cost and my daughter is paying for the rest of it. And when the VA kicks in that will be a big help. I hate to see what my mother is going through. She must be scared and confused . She is the only one in my family that has Alzheimer. Why my mother? I guess that's life. It is what it is. I am going down to see her this morning and I will tell her that the doctor said it was the best place for her for now. She does anything the doctor tells her so I hope you are right and that will work. Thank you.
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This forum is a great place to bitch/vent. You did a great job caring for your mother and now it's time for others to take over, so you can take care of yourself.
The best line I've heard over the years to say when your loved one wants to leave a facility is to just tell them that the doctor says they can go home as soon as they are better able to care for themselves, or when they get a little better/stronger, knowing full well that that will sadly never happen.
Your mother is where she needs to be right now and I'm hoping that soon you will have peace about it.
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helpingmom91 Feb 2023
Thank you for the information. I am seeing her today and I will let her know the doctor thinks she is where she needs to be for now. With my mother being gone I can finally get a good night sleep. Thank you. Have a good day!
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Sorry your mom isn't doing so well. Is she in assisted living or a nursing home? Are YOU paying for it or is your mom? If she has assets, you might want to sell them to pay for her expenses.

It seems odd to me that she has late stage AZ yet has enough energy and wherewithal to give you such a hard time.

You can just tell her basically anything about why she's there. No one is happy being put somewhere but that's OK. My mom doesn't really like being in AL but now she's pretty well adjusted to it.
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helpingmom91 Feb 2023
Hi Againx100, Thank you for the reply. Yes she is in an Assistant Living Home. They are taking good care of her. She said she likes my cooking better. She has good moments then bad. Sometimes she understands what I say and other times she can not comprehend anything. At times she just looks at me with a blank face, as if she was not there.
My mom is paying for some of it and my daughter is paying the rest. When the VA kicks in that will be a big help.
Have a good day
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