I have been a full-time caregiver for my grandmother since I was 19, and now, at the age of 22, I continue to share this responsibility with my mother, although we live in separate homes. While my mother works full-time, I have transitioned to online studies to accommodate my caregiving duties. My affection for my grandmother is profound; she played a significant role in raising me. However, I often feel like I am sacrificing my youth to care for her. I have no friends, don't date, and my siblings only assist with minor tasks like putting her to bed and feeding her.
There are times when my grandmother's physical condition seems stable, but her mental state is deteriorating due to worsening dementia. She has become entirely dependent on me for essential tasks such as bathing, feeding, clothing, and administering her medication. I find it challenging to attend to my own needs because my day begins with caring for her until she falls asleep. She is quite stubborn and insists on doing only what she wants, which frequently leads to emotional outbursts and tears. Her need for constant attention is so demanding that I can't even use the bathroom without risking a meltdown.
Occasionally, I even catch myself losing patience and raising my voice when she gets into things or manages to wander outside, which is a safety concern. I often feel overwhelmed and trapped in my situation, with no one to turn to for help. My resentment toward my sister grows, as she is also in college, older than me, and enjoys a social life with friends. She comes home and shares stories of her day or night out, and I can't help but feel envious, wondering why this caregiving burden has fallen solely on my shoulders.
My grandmother has four children, including my mother and an aunt who lives two hours away and can only provide limited assistance. Today, my mother came over to drop off food for my grandmother and mentioned that she was going on a date with my stepfather. I neglected to mention that I had just undergone gastric sleeve surgery last Friday, which has contributed to my weight gain while caring for my grandmother. Although my mother offered me a week of respite, it doesn't feel like a true break, as I am still in the early stages of recovery.
As my mother left for her date, she appeared dressed up, and a wave of resentment washed over me. Despite these feelings, I chose to suppress them and complimented her on her appearance. However, within moments of her departure, my grandmother had an accident, and I found myself dealing with a messy situation, cleaning up after her and assisting her because I lacked the strength to put her in the bathtub. The urge to escape this overwhelming situation has never been stronger.
Best of luck to you.
Why are you taking care of grandma ? Is grandma paying the rent ? Is she paying you to care for her?
Are you able to live on your own and pay rent? Or share rent with a sibling or friend ? Or move back home with your Mom?
You are not obligated to take care of grandma. You are young and should be able to go out and socialize like the other’s in your family are doing .
You need to tell your mother that grandma is too difficult to handle any longer for you. Your mother needs to put Grandma in memory care .
I hope you can find a financial way that you don’t need to live with grandma .
The 20s is when you leave the nest and begin to make your way in the world, gathering jobs, education, friends and your own family as you go. This is your "job" now.
So the answer is that you tell her honestly. You tell her that you will be leaving home now, and that you will try to support her in her journey as she makes care decisions for her Mom, but that such support cannot be hands on. That you will now have the job of growing up, of flying the nest, of becoming educated and of getting a good job and saving for all you want out of life. Tell her you have limitations, and cannot do it all, and that your obligation now is not to your mother and her mother, but to yourself, and that you free her of obligation to you (which WAS her obligation until you were of age).
So you tell her gently and you tell her honestly. And then you move out on your own and you begin to live your own life. If already moved, you participate when you have extra time in giving Mom a bit of relief if she chooses hands on care of her mother.
Your mother and her siblings are. PERIOD.
So quit letting them use and abuse you just so they don't have to step up to the plate and do what they should have been doing all along.
I'm guessing there has had to be something in it for you, though you don't tell us what you're getting out of it.
But no matter what it is you're getting out of it it certainly can't be worth it right?
And I find it very interesting that you have resentment towards your sister, when your grandmother is not her responsibility either. Your resentment is misplaced as your grandmothers children are the only folks that should be doing any caregiving, and if they can't, well then Grandma goes into a facility of some sort.
So it's time now to put your big girl panties on and let grandma and mom know that your caregiving days are over and that you'll be going back to school, getting a job and getting your life back once a for all.
I just hope you're strong enough to put your foot down and stick up for yourself because I can tell you right now that if you don't no one else with either. So it's all up to you!
So go out there and get a life girl!
I'll bet your Mother, at 19-22 yrs of age, was NOT taking care of her Grandmother. At least I hope she wasn't. Even if she was, you're not obligated to do it too. By chance, are you from an immigrated family? Old world somethings? If so, those cultural traditions take a generation or 2 to die. Be aware that when you leave, the others might want to as well. This is not your problem.
You can soften the shock of quitting by offering helpful guidance to them.
Your Mom can contact social services for their county to seek an in-home assessment for some services: light meal prep, light housekeeping, hygiene, etc. It won't be full time.
Your Mom can contact her local Area Agency on Aging for other resources, or a local senior center.
If your Grandmother gets a social security check, this should go towards paying an aid. I'm going to guess she doesn't have enough money saved to pay for AL...
Does your Grandma have a PoA?
The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for both the giver and receiver. In your family's case it is not working and will only get more intense, exhausting and maybe expensive. I wish you much success in breaking free (and not feeling guilty). Create clear and strong boundaries for yourself. Leaving doesn't mean you don't love your Grandma and Mom. Making your life a priority is not wrong or selfish... if you burnout and cease to be able to help, then what? May you gain peace in your heart.
Tell your mother that you will no longer care for your grandmother starting on October 10th. And the stick to it and you owe no one an explanation.
Call the university’s counseling center and book yourself some appointments. You need to figure out how to get your life back on track. You deserve this. A life is your right.
Please keep us posted.
Then call all of your mother’s siblings and tell them October 10th is the date and then don’t show up that day. Go hang out in the library at school if you have to.
It’s all only going to get worse, so it’s best to exit now while you aren’t beaten down to a pulp.
If it’s B’s own home or rental, you both ought to front the family with a joint approach. Probably B needs to insist that GM is removed. If it's GM's house, B may want to leave too - or be part of the joint approach. If M and SF don’t come up with an immediate plan, perhaps just leave - or pick GM up with her belongings and take her around to M and SF.
Your mom isn’t being fair to you. It’s natural for you to be frustrated with this situation. Your grandmother is caught in the middle of it all, probably not knowing what to think about everything going on.
My children adored my mom and she loved them. They had a good relationship. I would not have wanted them to be burdened with my mother’s care. I wanted them to enjoy spending time with my mother as “grandma” and not see her as a responsibility that they had to fulfill.
My children deserved to live their own lives just as you do. Caring for grandmother is your mother’s responsibility. If she doesn’t want to hire someone else then she can contact Council on Aging in your area to get an assessment on your grandmother’s needs and recommendations for future care.
Please tell your mom that this situation isn’t working out for you and that she will have to make other arrangements for your grandmother because you will not be available to help.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
It’s not what they SAY. It’s what they DO that mattesrs.
I have two young adult children who are living their lives with my blessing and encouragement, because I refuse to hand off my responsibility to them.
(Yes, they visit. Yes, they care. Yes, they would be quick to help if I asked.)
Stand up for yourself and place the responsibility where it belongs - with your mother and her siblings.
Caregiving is hard and no one knows what it really is until they do it. No one wants to wipe butts and cook meals and give meds and be tethered to the house because you can't leave the person you're caring for alone. it's depressing and you lose sense of yourself and your own needs.
Once grandma is placed, you can resume your role as devoted granddaughter. You can visit her and tell her all about your new experiences. That is what your grandmother would want for you if she were in her right mind.
Take care.
I remember reading the book 'Like Water For Chocolate and it really spoke to me.because My mother was similar to the mother in the film. She never really got physical because she feared getting hurt herself and she would have. I was the family scapegoat, the emotional whipping post, the safe and easy target to lash out at and hurt.
Until I wasn't.
I married very young. About a week after my 18th birthday. Getting away from her certainly played a part.
A person will get treated like the OP does and like I did for as long as they will put up with it. When you stop putting up with it, people stop treating you like that.
I didn't speak to my mother for six years and didn't have her at my wedding when I remarried. Sure, I had some guilt about it but I wasn't wrong. She went too far and that was it.
In the last few years she has tried to make some amends and behave differently but to this day she will not acknowledge any wrongdoing on her part or accept any responsibility for her behavior over the years. And old habits die hard.
She needed me because she's old and needed a caregiver. I fell on some hard times and needed a place to live.
It wasn't long before the entitled and abusive behavior returned. I'm a different person now though and her nonsense just gets ignored.
We can't live together and she resents that we don't. Too bad. I have a life to live and so does the OP.
I took a lot of slack from my family about refusing to continue as her caregiver and personal slave. I couldn't care less.
Sometimes you do have to 'blow up' at family. Especially when they don't want to get caught in the caregiver net themselves.
I get it. You love your grandmother. She was a big part of your life, but she can't be your responsibility at your age.
You are at the age where you have to plan for your life. This means getting educated or beginning a career.
What happens if grandma lives until you're 40 or older? It can happen. Who provides for you when you have no work history skills other than how to live like a slave?
The answer is no one and you'll be ourr of luck then.
I was a caregiver for 25 years. Mostly to elderly and most with some kind of dementia. So this is how you start handling your grandmother's nonsense behavior of demanding constant attention.
IGNORE HER.
You don't jump when she gets fussy and wants something. You don't entertain her. When she starts acting up you shut that down quick by totally ignoring her. If a "meltdown" is starting up, handle it. If you have to be unpleasant or raise your voice, do it.
This is what you do today.
What you do tomorrow is contact the family and tell the you're all done with caregiving. Speak plainly and tell the truth of it. Then register for in-person school. Not online classes.
Let your mother, sister, and everyone else know what day your new college schedule starts. Give them plenty of time to work out who will be taking over the caregiving for your grandmother.
On the day your in-person classes start you go to whether your mother or anyone else has made arrangements for your grandmother.
No one is going to take you seriously if you don't act seriously. If that means leaving your grandmother alone, do that. Make sure Adult Protective Services knows what you're going to do, so you'll be covered. Then do it.
I used to be very much like you when I was young. Then I realized that people including your parents and family, will take blantant advantage if you're a person who allows themselves to be walked all over.
Congratulations on the weight loss surgery. You will see how much your life changes when you start looking and feeling better.
How you think of yourself will change too. It will become easier for you to be assertive and make your health and well-being a priority.
In fact, it should be your number one priority at your age. You're a 22 year old college student with no kids and not married. Your life is supposed to be your own at 22. It's also supposed to be fun. Yes, party time at your age. You should be going to school or maybe working, hanging out with friends, and havign a good time.
No one your age should be living and dealing with crap like caregiving for a demented elderly relative. There's plenty of time for that when you're middle-aged.
It's your mom's time for that. It's your time to be getting dressed up and going on dates, not hers.
If your family can't get their sh*t together and take over the caregiving, they will have to put your grandmother in memory care then.
It will not be your fault if she does go. It's time for you to be living the life of a single 22 year-old. Not a burned out 50 year old with serious responsibilities.
You say "I cannot take care of grandmother anymore."
Period end of discussion.
The key here is how you feel about yourself in asserting yourself and realizing / expressing that YOU deserve a life - your life - now. You will not get these moments back so do whatever you need to do - to feel awkward, guilt, confusion, resentment ...
This is your mother's mother. Grandma is your mother's responsibility. Not yours.
If I were you, I would write it out.
You may need a script to read from as it will be hard to do.
Expect your mother to be p--ssed. So what? This is how she feels and she will respond as she responds. And, of course, she won't be happy, or even considerate of YOUR feelings and needs.
Give her a time limit. Put an end date of it.
However you feel - a two week notice? a month?
Your mother GOES out on a date? Really? And leaves her mother to you to manage? This is totally unacceptable. STOP doing it.
Your are way way too young to take on all this responsibility. STOP doing it.
I do not know if you live in the same house as your grandmother.
If you do not, it will be easier. If you do, get out of there ASAP.
You deserve a full life - and you've ALREADY done more than any young person should have been charged to do / take on this level of responsibility. Shame on your mother. Let her deal with her own mother. And, yes. This will be hard for you. You love your grandmother. Do NOT let that cloud your needs and desires to do what any healthy young woman 22 wants to do. Live her own life. You are a really good, mature loving person. That will not change. Although the circumstances have to and only you can do that. It sounds like you've been a scape goat. Stop allowing that.
Set boundaries for yourself.
You learn to set boundaries when you care enough for yourself, love yourself enough to do that. You are there. And we are with you.
Gena / Touch Matters
A remotely similar situation happened years ago when my grandma who I loved dearly, became unable to take care of herself and moved in with my mom who eventually hired a caregiver to be with her during the day while she worked outside the home. When that became financially unsustainable my mom asked me if I could do this at my own home. I live a couple hours away, and was at the time a stay-at-home mom to a toddler still in diapers, I decided to do a trial run at my home (which had a 1/2 bathroom downstairs right next to the guestroom). I knew I could sponge bath her temporarily while it was expanded and a shower could be installed.
I wasn't told the true level of care required for my grandma though. Turns out my grandma was very incontinent and needed a walker or assistance 100% of the time, not just occasionally, so the 1/2 bath downstairs was not large enough for her get to the toilet with assistance or with the walker. My mom also chose to not to tell me about the dripping urine and puddles at her own home, and that she didn't deal with my grandma needing incontinence supplies which were readily available even back then.
First day my grandma was at my home, I found my toddler splashing in a puddle on the hard floor that turned out to be urine from my grandma. Cleaned it up thinking it was an isolated thing, but urine leaks continued. Second day realized my grandma needed to go to the doctor. We proceeded to get into my car, which also my grandma absolutely could not do on her own. Getting out of the car at doctor's parking lot was more of a problem. I left my grandma standing there next to my car with her walker, and my grandma started wandering away even though I kept telling her to stay where she was.
I quickly realized I would need more caregiver time than originally stated, and was told my by my mom that I would need to have my grams income cover it all and I would need to figure it out. I did the math for extra elder caregiver time to cover errands and my child's and my own appointments where my grandma could not be left alone, and realized the amount for ALL my grandma's expenses would no longer be sufficient, and I would be faced with dipping into our one-income household budget to cover extra costs grandma's groceries, incontinence supplies, and caregiver time etc. This didn't even take into consideration if there would be an emergency with my child, which did happen and I had to go to the ER; which leaves a wandering grandma alone.
I told my mom I could not continue with this because my grandma was too far along in her Alzheimer's Dementia and incontinence, and along with a toddler she was more than I could handle to care for by myself. I never heard the end of it, how I couldn't even care for my grandmother on my own and how she had her with her for 5 years, even though she knowingly minimized my grandma's care needs. No shame on her part at all, just how inadequate I was and how great she was at having her with her, was all I heard until her own need to be in skilled care less than 2 years ago.
Being honest with your mom about not being able to continue her care as the level of care has increased is the best thing. Wandering is more difficult to deal with because it requires the person have more skilled level of care. Your mom will hopefully understand and step up to the plate because this is truly her responsibility and not yours.
Best of luck with everything!
Get your plans and dreams together and let everyone know you're taking your first steps towards YOUR future.
I'm so sorry they have put this on you. I hope that your situation improves soon. I think you definitely need to have a talk with your mom and be FIRM that this isn't working for you. Maybe your grandmother needs to go to assisted living or a nursing home. Her level of care sounds beyond what most people can give.
They made her move to Memory Care with alarms on exterior doors within 10 months of her moving there when she started wandering when she tried to leave on a cold night, saying she was going to work at the hospital. A nurse reporting for work caught her leaving. She was already out the door.
She was very angry, but the facility said they would evict her unless she was moved out, or would move to Memory Care. It was a firm NO for her staying where she was in assisted living for her own safety they said.
These are very difficult decisions! They are responsibility of adult children to take care of, not the responsibility of the grandchildren.
It's good that family is looking for a place for your grandma, and commendable that you have done so much already. Your grandma truly will benefit by being in a place where she can be cared for, and not left alone. My mom left my gram alone while at work, and a neighbor (off duty nurse) caught her wandering around the wooded rural neighborhood where she used to live.
Dementia is a difficult thing to watch a loved one progress through. The person suffering from it can suffer from outbursts and times of seemingly inconsolable problems. I found great advice on how to speak to someone with dementia on websites. Sometimes things don't make logical sense, but it's worked by allowing me to become pretty good at speaking to and calming my mom who suffers from dementia, as my grandmother did. The facility has even called me to talk with her, or tells me what she says. I tell them how I respond. It's difficult at first but starts to become second nature after a while.
Good luck with everything, and for your future. You have a beautiful heart and deserve all the best in your life!
It also sounds as if the dementia has become much worse over the past 4 years. Tell your mother and aunt it is time for other plans for your grandma. You are not the answer anymore.
Then in two days:
Grandma, I love you but I can’t be your caregiver. This is my last day.
NOTHING will change unless status quo is more painful than change.
Your role makes the family comfortable. You take care of things so “Whew! I get to live my life and not think about grandma.” That needs to change.
You need to rock the boat. You probably need them to realize the boat will capsize if THEY don’t do something NOW.
It will be a power struggle to see who caves: you or them.
They will use every trick in the book — debate, tantrums, anger, pleading, drama, false promises and copious guilt trips — to get you to cave. Do not engage them or you will lose. It’s a game of who can outlast whom (and even toddlers can be master game players). Your family has had years of a pattern of behavior that needs to change.
Let it all run off you back. Do not cave. Do not waver. Do not blink. I repeat Do not engage. You do and you show them your weak spot.
Show utter resolve and repeat: I love Grandma but I’m done tomorrow. You can always add: If you can’t find a solution I’ll call (United Way) 2-1-1 or the county social services.
If you say you’ll call, follow through. Otherwise they don’t believe you’re serious.
Then dive off the boat and swim away. If they right the boat, good. If it capsizes, rescue organizations can step in. If they resent you, they are soul sucking energy vampires and not loving family members. Harsh but there it is.
For every season there is a time. You have been generous and gracious and loving but the time for caregiving is over. Now is the time to take care of you.