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I live in NYC, my sister is in Franklin, TN, near mom. We both have kids (I have one and my sister has 2 plus 2 stepkids). Mom is 75 and had been showing signs of cognitive decline for the last couple of years. She has always had mental health issues and has lived her life from crisis to crisis since our dad left her in 1989. Always terrible with money, unhealthy relationships and quitting jobs and moving from place to place when the going got tough. She was in independent senior housing for the past 2 years. The last time I saw her was over Thanksgiving in 2019.


I had been paying her rent the past couple of years. She only has Social Security (no assets, all debt) and was "forgetting" to pay so I did it because I was worried she would get evicted. We engaged a geriatric care manager because we were hearing worrying signs (memory loss, increased financial mismanagement - car repossession attempts, etc.).


They built enough trust to get her to her doctor's - primary, cardiologist, neurologist. She was diagnosed with moderate dementia/Alzheimer's. Not vascular. Between the care managers, and her friend in her building who was attempting to care for her, we were hearing more and more disturbing information. Driving on expired license and insurance, eating out during COVID, going to payday lenders, wandering her building at night, open food and bugs in her cabinets. She would call us and complain constantly about her building - there were bugs, the property manager was running "drugs and prostitutes," etc.


So we made the decision to move her to assisted living. She was excited at first for her new home. She signed over DPOA to my sister and I. Let us take over the finances (THOUSANDS in debt). Made it through quarantine and then immediately started trying to escape/walk out the door demanding her car (which we had repossessed - she owed thousands in back payments). They are locked down due to COVID, but she just doesn't get it or accept that she can't leave.


The decision was made to move her to memory care in AL. She does not believe she belongs there. She does not believe there is anything wrong with her. She thinks she can still get a job (she was a counselor) and drive. She is in total denial of her finances, etc. The past couple of weekends she has been texting and calling my sister constantly. Basically, "they are just trying to get my money," "I will shut them down," "Call the lawyer!" "I will call the policeman!" etc. The administrator says she is no trouble, this is all normal, etc.


I called her with my daughter last week and was able to redirect her, but my sister is terrified to call and the facility said, in person outdoor visit not a good idea during this adjustment phase. I have sent flowers and cards as well. Between the guilt and resentment and more guilt and worrying that we made the wrong call, the stress of all of this has been intense. I think about it all the time. Dream about it. Worry we did something wrong, even though all the professionals say we did the right thing. Would love to know how anyone in a similar situation managed through this "adjustment period," and what if she doesn't adjust? We have no Plan B and are spending our own money for her to be there. Sorry for such a long post!

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You are all going through an adjustment period and it's not going to be easy. The memory care facility tells you she's no trouble and she just needs to get through the adjustment phase. The professionals have told you you made the right call and yet you still worry that you did something wrong or that there is a better answer or that somehow it's all your fault and if you just had the magic key it would all be better and different. I'm going to give you the same advice I give my daughters when their babies are fed, clean, healthy and still won't stop crying. Put the baby in the crib and go take a shower, wash your hair, shave your legs and when you are finished the baby will be asleep. For you, just step away from the drama, stop taking her calls and listening to her messages and reading her texts. Only call her a couple of times a week to chat and don't listen to the complaints. Eventually she'll stop crying just like the baby does. It seems that you've made the exact right decision and that she needs memory care, the facility seems to be very experienced in dealing with a new resident and will contact you if there is a problem and now you just need to wait it out. So now, go take a shower.
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stasiaful71 Nov 2020
I love this response. Thank you. It's just what I needed. I think there is something really primal that gets triggered when it's your parent. Sadly we've been in parenting our parent mode for most of our adult lives.
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Yes, yes, YES, trust the MC staff AND LEAVE HER BE. My LO “looked” so good the day I took her to her “new home” that most of the staff there thought I was the new resident and SHE was escorting ME there!

I can’t remember whether I first suggested a cognitive eval be done by the MC staff psychiatrist or the staff suggested it, but it revealed that within her social shell of apparent normalcy, there was a tangle of dementia confusion that terrified her (she DID know that she was losing her memory and ability to live independently), and was forcing her to battle constantly to appear and sound “normal”.

It took a relatively long time, maybe 6 months or more, but ultimately the attempts to escape stopped and until the pandemic, she lived in relative comfort.

Your LO’s administrator is telling you the absolute truth. I lived the guilt, the sleepless nights, the anxious twisting of her lips and wringing her hands. She IS better off, especially now with the pandemic, to allow the MC staff to become her allies, and YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

You and your family made an INCREDIBLY PAINFUL and DIFFICULT decision, based on your love for her and your desire to keep her safe and well cared for and as comfortable as possible. In her case, the BEST decision wasn’t a very happy one for anyone, but STILL, the best one you had access to.

Contact her less, don’t respond every time she contacts you, ease off. For MY LO, I suggested to the MC staff that if LO became agitated, she could call me. I’m her last relative within a thousand miles, and I was able to soothe her, fib to her if I had to, and tell her I’d be around if she needed anything, familiar innocuous stuff that was always a part of conversation when she was well.

For yourselves, start regarding HER TALK as a product of her diminishing cognitive level. She can’t co trol it and it’s not based on reality.

We’re all part of a big supportive “family” when we begin caring for someone who has dementia. As sorry as we are to join the family, it’s a place where you can always feel at peace. We’ve been there, and we know.
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DILhagen2 Nov 2020
Anne,
your response was so thoughtful, supportive and encouraging. I’m receiving that for myself as MIL soon moving to AL
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She may never fully adjust until her Dementia worsens. You have done what you can so far. Stop taking her phone calls and her texts. Not all members agree with me especially because of COVID but I say take the phone away. Allow her to depend on Staff. If anything wrong, the staff will call you. Or, just ignore the calls. Keep telling her the staff is there to help her. Set up a time of day or week you feel comfortable in calling her.

Mom is now in a safe place getting 24/7 care. You can do no more. Her brain is dying little by little. You just need to go with the flow. It may take time for her to adjust. Just tell her little fibs. Needs to be there until she gets better. Which she won't. She won't understand you live far away and have responsibilities to ur own family. Which u do and ur family is priority. She probably can no longer reason or process. They canmot show empathy, they get selfcentered. Again, you have done well no one can expect more.
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My mom wanted, asked for, begged for a phone. By the time we placed her in a home, she had no concept of time. She was calling people and family over and over, sometimes a dozen times within an hour. She would call me at 1 in the morning and ask what I was doing. I told her she could not have a phone bc it would disturb the other residents and wr needed her to be in a safe place. She threatened the director of the home to do all the things your mother is threatening to do.....call the police, leave by walking, etc. Finally Dr put her on Lexapro. I know some people don't want to or like to medicate, but I'm telling you IT HAS MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE! She is not so anxious and waaaaaay more calm. Also sleeping better. You and your sister cannot be there for your family if you don't take care of YOU first. Taking care of you means not being anxious about your mom. It's not easy, but you can do this. She is where she needs to be for everyone. Hang in there.
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I agree with ignoring the calls and texts, there is no benefit to subjecting yourselves to the constant stress. Set up a regular time for phone calls/face time on your own schedule (weekly or every two weeks or whatever makes sense), anything that needs to be said can be addressed then.
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You did the right thing.
Limit calls to one in the a.m. and one in the p.m. and ignore all others. Your Sister and I can divide the duty, so one call each each day. You Mother is suffering from both dementia and underlying mental health disorders. You should not be spending your own money for your Mother's care now, no matter she stays in quite so nice a place or not, unless you are independently wealthy.
You should be saving for your own care needs in future.
I cannot imagine how trying this is. You need better boundaries or you and your sister will end destitute in your own years of need, and harassed to death meantime. I am so sorry for all you are going through.
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Short answer; turn the phone’s sound off when you need to. I did & it saved my life.
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agingmother4343 Nov 2020
Me too! No more stressful triggers when my phone rings. Hard to do but a must for my own sanity.
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Dear stasia, heard enough? In reading thru these posts there wasn't a single one that questioned your placing mom in MC. Not a single one that implied you did the wrong thing. So couple those posts with the advice your getting from the facility and have a glass of wine. Guilt, resentment, stress are all emotions that can rob you of your health. So let the facility take care of mom's needs and demands and you take care of yourself

Meanwhile you might want to block the number your mom's calling from and call her at YOUR convenience.
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Since your mom is a "risk of flight," memory care unit is the best call. The initial signs of Alzheimer's dementia is difficulty with executive functions: handling finances, using good judgment on decisions... Unfortunately, the person with Alzheimer's dementia doesn't realize that he/she has problems - sounds like your mom's case. She is justifiably upset with her new restrictions and her anxiety and frustration come through loud and clear with her many text messages and phone calls. She needs more time to adjust to her new living conditions.

If she doesn't settle down in a month, she may need a consultation with a psychiatrist who handles Alzheimer's patients as well as those with mental illness. She/He can prescribe medications to help your mom to relax a little more.
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sorry for the issue.  (1) Stop paying for her stay with YOUR money.....get in touch with an Elder attorney or with the admin office at the AL and get your mother on Medicaid, they will handle paying the AL.   (2) yes there is an adjustment period and each one is different.  You can either call and see how she is doing but really that is just making her stress more (and YOU) or just delete the message and do NOT call.  If you want to know how she is doing, call the admin office or main nurse there and they can tell you.  I am guessing that they will have quarterly meetings with you and/or your sister to let you know how things are going.  (3) you did the right thing as its sounded like she had more than mild dementia, more in the middle of it.  everyone wants to be in their own home (feels safe, etc), but when no one can be there 24/7 to be with her it is not safe. and you do NOT want to move her in with you unless you have decided to dedicate everything to her (so unless you have good backup to take care of the rest of your stuff, forget it).  it sounds harsh but its a tough job and God bless the ones in the AL and NH that do this job.  wishing you luck.
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