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I'm the youngest of 8 children, 6 brothers and a sister. Six of us kids are responsible adults, have families of our own and are not a burden to mom in the least. Two brothers have been nothing but a burden to her, partly because she has enabled it their whole lives, which she continues to this day and blames herself for their behavior. They are 59 and 60 yrs old. Dad passed away in 2016, he was mentally abusive to my mom and they didn't interact much but were married for 64 years. She is in pretty good shape health wise but she is forgetful at times and its getting worse for sure, she will tell you that. She has a car but really isn't doing much driving, grocery store maybe once a week and its fine. When Dad died, brother #5 (60 yr old) saw it as an opportunity to move in with Mom, under the guise of "helping to take care of her", in the house where she raised her family and has lived for 65 years. This brother is nothing but trouble, he grows marijuana on her property, has it hanging all of her barn drying it out, sells it out of her house. Though it is legal in MA, I'm pretty sure what he is doing is NOT! She acts like she doesn't know what he is doing and puts her head in the sand, again she blames herself. He is putting her in danger with his behavior. He pays for nothing, she pays for his car, car insurance, gas, phone bill, and food. He pays zero in rent and you have to twist his arm to get him to mow the lawn. He gets a monthly disability check but of course can work under the table just to game the system. No one knows what he does with his money, though we all guess drugs. He takes her debit card and fills drug dealers car with gas for free drugs, we just discovered this. And if that is not bad enough, he has basically turned into Dad, the way he treats and disrespects her. He is basically a squatter who she won't kick out. She is embarrassed by the whole thing and would rather none of us knew exactly what has been going on. He needs to go, she wants him gone but won't kick him out on the street. The only way she will get rid of him is the sell that house and go somewhere where he can't be. But she is pretty dead set on not going to assisted living or even independent living, nor does she really need it at this point, though probably only a matter of time. She is becoming increasingly depressed and says she would rather slit her wrist than to continue this, she can't take it anymore. She is financially well off for an 89 yr old woman, she has many options and lots of support from the other kids if she will accept the help. But the first step is to convince her to get out of that house, it would not be safe for her alone, if he were to leave. One day she wants to sell, the next day she acts like we're crazy to even bring up the subject. We all just want her to be safe, comfortable, keep her independence for as long as possible and live out her final years without the burden of this parasite living off of its host (her). If we threw him out, she would let him back in 5 minutes after we leave.


I'm on my way there tomorrow for the holidays and a few of us are going to try to get the ball rolling.....any advice how to best go about this??

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For most of your post, I was like, OMG, I know who they're talking about. I don't, but here's the situation.

The Mom is about 95 by now, mother of six. Five launched successfully, but she enabled her youngest son to stay as well as his sons. Well, son got into growing pot on her property, so did his sons, and this was way before all that was legal. So in fact he was drug dealing out of his mother's.

One day he got plastered and ran over a sheriff. With his one prior, he went to San Quentin at about 58. The mom evicted the sons and put a restraining order on him. But once he got out of prison, well, she just took him back because he needed a hip replacement on Medi-Cal. He's not in any state where he can help now, so she's having to finance help for both of them.

Some moms are always going to be like this.
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JPH1021 Dec 2021
Lol my biggest fear was someone was going to say "I know that guy" but yes, that all sounds very familiar. He is just sucking the life right out of her!
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Had a friend of my mom's lke this. The "black sheep" son died of a heart attack at age 55, when the mom was 90.

She STILL wouldn't move.

How about mom moves "for the winter" to a nice Independent Living Facility, or AL, if that's what she needs. Get HER away from him. She might discover her backbone.
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JPH1021 Dec 2021
I'm hoping we can get her to list it and then come to stay with me in FL for a couple of weeks/months until it sells. That way she won't have to leave for showings or stay and watch strangers walk all over her house. My oldest brother thinks if we do that, things at the house will go south quickly! He may be right. Another idea is to set him up in an apartment and pay his rent for six months to give him a head start. Any money spent on this will come directly out of his share of inheritance when she dies. Then the house would be empty and we don't need to worry if she comes to FL.
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Find the place she'd like to move to. It's much easier to go forward to a place you really want to be than to leave your whole history behind.

It also makes the logistics and practicalities more manageable. Once you have somewhere to remove her to, away from the mise-en-scene, you're less likely to get blocked and sabotaged by the resident child. Who, by the way, and not unreasonably, will fight tooth and nail to stop this happening. You want your mother out of the way for the sticky bits of the process.
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JPH1021 Dec 2021
Good point! He will do all he can to sabotage and change her mind.
Thanks!
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Your mom is 89 years old. I will guarantee she won't want to go anywhere, no matter how dire things get in her home life. And her little bit of beginnings of memory/cognitive impairment will cause her to be indecisive and reluctant to make changes.

A little more info would be helpful to know:

Is anyone her PoA? If one of the responsible siblings has this agency, then please update this post as this gives that person the ability to change your mom's situation to one that is in her best interests.

If no one is her PoA, this is also important to know as you can get guidance as to how to possibly bring this about.
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JPH1021 Dec 2021
I fear you are correct on the indecisiveness....we've been dealing with this for a couple of years now, and she is very reluctant to make the change. But I think it may be different now, she seems to be at the end of her rope. One brother helps her with her investments and is also on her bank accounts but he does not have POA. Which is probably a good thing because he is very non-confrontational. Just says she can do what she wants and he goes home. I fear for her safety and the stress she is under due to the situation. I will discuss the POA with some of the sibs this week.
Thanks!!
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Do any of you sibs attend doctor appointments with your mom? Is her doctor aware of this situation and of her "suicidal ideation", i.e., "rather slit her wrists".

Your mother's mental health sounds shaky. Consider a consult with a geriatric psychiatrist for her.

Indecision is a symptom of depression--not seeing the alternatives, getting stuck in the mire of "there is no way out".

It's treatable. It sounds like mom is controlled by Fear, Obligatiin and Guilt. Look it up--it's a real thing. Send her an article.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail#:~:text=Emotional%20blackmailers%20use%20fear%2C%20obligation,by%20guilt%20if%20they%20resist.&text=Fear%2C%20obligation%20or%20guilt%20is,referred%20to%20as%20%22FOG%22.

Will mom agree to simply going to your home for a few weeks during the holiday season? No committment to selling or anything? Just a break for her and an opportunity for you to observe her thinking.
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JPH1021 Dec 2021
She made that comment last night to one of my brothers, she didn't mean it but still.....that is the point she is at with this situation. I feel awful for her, we keep trying to tell her that there is a solution if she will accept the help. No one goes to the Doctor with her, people have offered to drive her and she says no she's fine alone and she has been.
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JPH, I just added a link to the Wikipedia articke of F.O.G.

Your mom may not "mean" it when she says that she'd rather slit her wrists, but it's a slipperly slope.

Remember that even if you don't have POA for health, you can send her doc a note about your concerns and ask her/him to be aware of her desperation.
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JPH1021 Dec 2021
Thank you, I'll keep that in mind!
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Your poor mom. Sure she allows it, but she doesn't have the ability to stand up to him. It's criminal that your brother is taking advantage of her like this. She is paying for all his stuff? That is sooo wrong. It would be kind of mean, but he could be turned in to the authorities for the drugs. And where's all his money from selling this stuff? He's a real prince.

I would tell her that it's time to sell the house and move to AL. At her age, it would be the best option. If the facility has independent apartments, that'd be fine too but to get away from your brother, this is a great solution.

I would be reluctant to have only him at the house when it's for sale. I don't trust him to keep the house clean and not to be in the way and making it impossible for anyone to want to buy the house.

Maybe you and the others can come together and do and intervention, telling him that he needs to leave so mom can sell and go to AL. It would be hard, but I'm assuming you guys are pretty much beyond caring what he thinks.
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JPH1021 Dec 2021
Yes he's a real gem......soooo beyond caring what he thinks. She pays everything for him, including cigarettes. He puts all his money up his nose, to a point where he had cancer of the nasal cavity. Now I think he smokes it, I've never asked. The AL is going to be a hard sell, maybe IL, IDK. What she wants is for him to be normal and she would be content to stay there with him as long as she can.
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She is living with an addict, it seems. Has she ever been to Al-Anon?
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JPH1021 Dec 2021
Years ago for the other brother who’s an alcoholic. But I think that ship has sailed. She won’t go there at this point in her life. She just wants it to all go away, hence her comment.
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It just frustrating because we feel helpless…though it’s fixable but needs to be her decision or at least she needs to be agreeable to it.
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BarbBrooklyn Dec 2021
Why is that?

Your brother is shredding your mother's mental health. She is mired in depression and lack of agency. Have you considered calling Adult Protective Services?

This is elder financial abuse. The fact that she can "afford it" doesn't make it any less so.

Does mom have an attorney?
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Call the sheriff. What bro is doing is a crime. Any state where using pot is legal a certain amount of plants can be grown and no more. In my state I think it is six plants.

Get him out of there. The sheriff will take care of that. Then work on getting mom into independent living.
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gladimhere Dec 2021
He is drying in the barn? What is the quantity there? Call the sheriff, exaggerate, it will be investigated, then he is on their radar.
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Frustrating? Helpless? Mom needs help to address the problem which she must be embarrassed about. She doesn't want help, she says, I would bet she really does want the help.

What about bring mom to your home for an extended stay while the sheriff and another sibling deal with brother?

By not helping, putting your foot down, you are enabling bro to continue the abuse and your mom to continue living with it.

It will not be easy, he is your brother, it is called establishing boundaries that are heAlthy for you and mom. You are going to have to stand up to your brother.
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JPH1021 Dec 2021
I think she wants the help but isn’t willing to make the decisions necessary to carry though with the help. I’m hoping to take her to FL with me for a couple of weeks/months while other brothers hopefully handle things at home. God only knows what he will be up to if she isn’t there. She does put her foot down at times but not much changes. I’m just hoping that it has finally hit rock bottom and she ready for a change this time. She feels it’s her responsibility to keep a roof over this guys head. He’s been a PIA for years, now he walks around like the man of the house. He’s gross!
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You and your siblings should be able to convince her that it is not her problem. This sounds a bit like enablement and denial that the problem is as bad as you make it sound. Get together with siblings, present a united front, and do an intervention.
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How did it go? Hope things are ok xx
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Explain to a social worker what is going on. I'm sure they will visit mum & they should address the situation with your brother. They should call the police if they are good social workers. Needs to be sorted ASAP!
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We ALL need a POA. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Your Mom could have a stroke tomorrow and there is no one who will be able to deal with her doctors or her finances. While she is "sharp" one of her responsible children close by needs to have her assign them Financial and Medical. Maybe ur brother handling her finances now, can be financial POA and another sibling Medical. They are a tool that will make your lives easier if something should happen to her. "She doesn't have one because she really doesn't need it." And when she does need it, she may not be competent to sign it. You don't wait till its needed. For the brother who handles her finances but is not confrontational maybe he can share the POA with a sibling who is confrontational. I would also, with Moms age, make the POAs immediate. She still can have control of her life but if she declines to the point of Dementia, you won't need a formal diagnosis to take over like you do with a Springing.

I think a few months in Fla is a good thing. Get her away from her abuser. But have that POA in place. Don't discuss the sale of her house until she has been with you a little while. Explain that its an expense she does not need. If she is serious about getting son out of the house, this is a good way. The child who holds her POA can then place her house on the market as her representative. It has to be someone not afraid of ur brother who is willing to get him evicted. Willing to have police escort him out when he doesn't comply with a court order.

I do not understand why the elderly are so set against an AL. Those with MC attached are so nice. They separate their residents. The ones suffering from Dementia are placed together. That is so those with their minds can enjoy socializing with like people. She will get a nice room with her favorite things around her. She will have 3 meals a day served to her. Help if she feels she needs it. Socialization, activities and entertainment. She may find after living with 2 abusive men its heaven. Really, no stress.

While she is in Fla suggest you do some tours just to see what an AL is like. Tell her to humor you. You can usually set up having a meal there. If she can still drive, they allow cars. She may be very surprised.

Poor lady. Being verbally abused by a husband and now a son she probably has no idea how to make a decision. She probably has low self-esteem. You have to make her realize that she deserves so much more but she has to take that first step. One good thing about going into an AL...dear old brother can not live there. And if he makes trouble, the POA can have him banned. Then the AL can call the police.
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