My mother is 85 and suffering from dementia. I'm the only daughter and my brother lives 1400 miles away so it falls to me and my husband and our grand daughter to talke care of her. She is extremly mean to our grand daughter and talks at her under her breath calling her names, etc. She also talks about a boyfriend she had a few years after my dad died and cries over him but seldom mentions our father. This is upsetting to me. She also constantly reminds us that this is her house even though we pay all the bills, buy all the food, maintain the house and yard, do the cooking, cleaning, and the laundry. We take her to the doctor and beauty shop, etc. We recently got a home health care giver to come four hours a day, twice a week to give us a break and she threw a fit and refused to let her come anymore. One of us was always in the house with them so we know she wasn't mistreated. I sometimes feel guilty and think that I'm a horrible person for saying and thinking these things. I'm venting here but would like some advice about how other people deal with difficult situations like this.
Now, I'm not saying TO use it. But what seems so hard for most of us, at least in my view, is that we feel trapped. If you can financially afford to live elsewhere, KNOW that. Maybe even figure out where and how that would be.
Then be prepared to tell Mom that you have a plan to leave her to paid caregivers because you and your family are being treated unfairly and I lovingly. Which is the truth. That you do not need to put up with it, because you have other options. And that SHE has other options: paid care in the house, or a facility where she will get the care she needs.
I can't believe I am even suggesting this, but it so seems that this mom needs a reality check, and a big fat one at that.
She is likely acting out on you all because she has lost things that matter to her: youth, desirability, freedom, physical vitality. That's a hard place to be.
But it's not an excuse for being a jerk to you. Is this behavior new, or have you seen it before? It feels like old news, and if it is, you need to know it won't get better short of something that forces a change. And change looks like all kinds of things...including that she no longer lives in her own home.
Why does she get to decide whether a paid caregiver is there or not? I'd bring them back and LEAVE, so she doesn't feel like you are wasting her/the money for the caregivers.
Breathe. Listen to music. Garden. Find something that grounds you. Find ways out of being trapped, even little ways. In fact, start with noticing all the ways you feel trapped, and see what you can do to turn that around.
Sending you good vibes.
Dealing with someone who has dementia can be extremely challenging, especially if they don't understand how much you do for them and why you need a break. Talk with her doctor about her mood, learn as much as you can about dementia, and maybe try some new ways of talking with her (there are a lot of good guides on dementia). But you still need a break and, even if she doesn't like it, try home care again. Tell her the doctor requires it or it's a friend coming over, anything to make it work. She may not like it, but may get used to it (and as long as she's not physically aggressive to the worker, she can complain about them all she wants). Maybe an Adult Day Program would be another way to get a break too. Try www.alz.org or www.caregiver.org for more tips too.
I think that when our older loved ones suffer from dementia, mental dysfunctioning diseases et,al, we are left to battle the demons of reality with tools that often may help the loved one, but leaves us feeling like we are out in the cold. I've heard it said more often than not, the journey is worth the effort. I don't think this means that we should accept demeaning treatment, but learn to discern whether it is the disease or if our loved ones are taking their losses out on us. I can't tell you what to do, but I can praise you for being the loving caretaker that you are and I pray that you find relief and some solace before it takes a negative toll on you. Best Wishes, Mimara
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