You need to take care of yourself. There are other options for your father. Please hand over the daily caregiving to someone else . Look into independent or assisted living for your father . Tell him you have to go back to work and he needs to live where he has help available . Do not move in with him or have him move in with you , it can make it more difficult to get him out of the house and into a facility ( if he is refusing ). If he refuses either payed help to come to his house or to go to a facility you call your local agency of aging for a social worker to come assess his needs and help facilitate moving to a facility. If that is not successful , call APS for a vulnerable elder. I could not get my mother to leave , social worker told me to stop doing things for her . Told me to let her fail at daily living so she can get placed in a facility. If your Dad ends up in the ER or hospital tell them you can’t care for him anymore. Have the social worker help place him in a facility from the hospital. Do not pick him up and take him home again. Please take care of your own needs .
Incredible kindness and thoughtful responses in this thread. Such strength in the face of real harm, it takes my breath away. What an amazing forum this is. Best of luck to you OP, I hope you focus on care for yourself. You deserve that.
If day-to-day dealings are triggering emotional upheavals for you, it would probably be better to have your parent placed into residential care. Then, you can direct his/her care through the administration and doctors instead of dealing with the day-to-day emotional stresses.
When I was younger, my mom was distant, angry, and at times, physically abusive. Long story short, I am now mom sole caregiver, Mom now has late-stage Alzheimer’s. It’s a very difficult disease. I think, as time passes it’s more difficult for the caregiver then for the person who has Alzheimer’s (this may not be true for everyone, I can only speak for myself. In spite of all the ongoing difficulties, mom and I, actually get along better now than we ever have; she is no longer the angry person that she used to be. I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s on anyone, but I can honestly say, it’s given us the time to become close. I introduce myself to her every day like she’s meeting me for the first time. the vast majority of the time, she’s very pleasant and easy to assist; and of course, there are those times, due to Alzheimer’s, when she is stubborn and combative, but those times are increasingly rare. The person who was so mean and unfair to me, no longer exists, making caring for mom possible, and even rewarding.
I have a similar issue and it hasn’t been easy at all. I was fortunate to find an experienced caregiver who deals with my birth Mother on a daily basis. I manage her bills and have found a good knowledgeable Dr for a GP and a seasoned Neurologist for the dementia . The phone calls I get from her are most usually are angry, accusing her caregiver or me of some slight. As you probably experience the anxiety that all this brings, keeps me from experiencing it daily and I can help her to age in place for now. We as adults cannot change how our parents treated us as children. We can however do what we feel is right without doing further harm to our own sanity and health. I hope this helps you in some way. APS is always an option if it gets to much.
faithfulbeauty: Your mental and physical health MUST come first in this situation, else your anxiety and depression worsen. Your daughter is your priority, too.
The rapid decline of my abusive adoptive mother was somewhat merciful for me, since I did not have to be in close proximity to her for much caregiving. But I did need to engage 'long distance' in part because she'd resist any 'help' coming from me because she feared I'd "put her in a nursing home", which added to the stress of her descent toward death. Long story short, I decided to Do The Right Thing by her for a 'clean' ending for both of us, to sidestep all the horrible experiences I had from her 'personality' and remember her humanity/soul: it was not easy, but in the very end she had a decent death and I could have peace that the drama was over between us. I still have to work on issues stemming out of our difficult relationship, but I am at peace knowing I kept certain boundaries while also making sure my mom had good care at the close of her life, the humane thing, so then I, too, could be 'free.' All the best to you; don't trouble yourself by hoping for some miraculous 'healing' besides simply doing what is necessary for both of you to maintain your peace of mind. The 'drama' comes from personality, which is not all we are but is instead of sort of 'mask' we assume out of culture, conditioning, and one's beliefs.
We are all different. Whether or not you would want to care for an abusive parent (or sib) depends on what has happened between you since you were a child.
I was both neglected and physically abused by my mother when I was a child. It really was nothing personal (it wasn't ME she ignored or hit, it was just that obnoxious thing that stole time and money from the children she actually wanted), she just had a 3rd child she did not want too soon after having the 2 children that she did want. I tried to earn her love for more than 8 years before I figured out that it was a waste of time, left home as soon as I was 18. Moved 3,000 miles away.
But that was not the end. After years of therapy I learned that I needed to come to an understanding and get some peace about my unfortunate non-childhood. Guided by various therapists I reconnected with my family and made friends with some of them.
I did help care for my mother in some rather minor ways, but I committed to nothing that made me uncomfortable and spent little time in her home. I ran errands and took my mother to lunch once a week. We did develop an adult friendship of sorts and I learned to appreciate some of her better attributes. I learned to understand her rejection of my birth, my existence. That does not mean that the memories no longer hurt. It means that I also understood her hurt and her frustration at having a 3rd, then a 4th, then a 5th child when there simply were no resources for more than the 2 children that she actually wanted. The '50's were a cruel time for poor women.
If you are already dealing with anxiety and depression, I hope you have the resources for good therapists. They can help you a lot. You need to deal with yourself and your own problems first. Make good friends where you find them, they can also help you. I found they were especially helpful in taking my mind off my own problems. Helping someone else do something for the pure pleasure of doing it is amazing medicine for anxiety and depression. I know this from experience.
As for your mother, is there someone else who is her primary caregiver? I doubt that it is possible for you to play that role, given your own needs. If that role has been forced on you, refuse it. You will do no good for you or your mother. Such forced "care" would not be either "caring" nor helpful. You would simply amplify the hard feelings that are already there. If necessary, contact state authorities and tell them your mother needs a case worker.
If you are not the primary caregiver, good. Try to do what I did and accept only what you can feel good about doing. If you can visit her once a week (or two weeks) and take her a small gift, that is something that could cheer her up and might make you feel good too. If that is too much, and you really do not want to see her, then send her a card now and then. Why do anything at all? So that you give yourself a chance to extend some peace toward her, giving yourself a chance to heal a little bit. Whatever small thing you can do, do it only if you feel like it. Do nothing for a time if that is what you can deal with. Just watch that you are not looking for revenge or payback. That would hurt you more than help you. Whatever you do, do it for your own part in healing yourself. The relationship with your mother is part of you that is deeply wounded, but any small bit of healing will make all the rest of your sense of yourself feel stronger and more peaceful.
Above all, love yourself, care for yourself, and know that there are many of us who share your pain and know that you, too, can survive this and become the strong and capable person that you are meant to be. You deserve to be able to know and love yourself and to be in charge of all your relationships. You can do this.
So many children are sacrificed to mental illness; often friends, relatives and neighbors don't get involved or report what they are aware of. As someone here mentioned, the children are left with scars.
Psychotherapy can help a victim walk backwards and look at their upbringings from an adult's perspective. Victims can choose whether or not to forgive those who abused them for some sick gratification: letting go of the pain can bring great relief and free an imprisoned soul. Victims must be very aware of their rights to offer their support from a distance, perhaps by advocating rather than caretaking.
Work with a therapist to set your boundaries of self protection and don't forfeit them. Please consider attending a wellness retreat where they teach Mindfulness Meditation................you are worth the investment!
I did care for my neglectful parent who almost lost custody of me to the state when I was a toddler. I think she just took good-enough care of me to not be an embarrassment.
While I resented her at times, I did love her. And, now I was in charge, I called the shots, and being in control was therapeutic for me. Also, I inherited everything she owned after her death while I had ensured she had no debt.
I am free now. I have no guilt or obligations to anyone, and my "favored" older siblings got no inheritance because they did nothing for her in her final years. Lucky for them, I am not selfish and I did share some cash inheritance out of good will. I am free!
Was or is, no need to stand for it. I have a parent who is emotionally off from childhood as well so that baggage in this case just gets dragged around and passed on.
Both my parents are in dementia states. There is not even any support from one or the other , in my case, because they both are needy.
My folks did the best they could with what they knew to do. Now they know nothing. Not being able to think is huge. For me it's hard to watch no matter how crappy they were as parents. Never really wanted for anything growing up other than the normalcy that one sees after one learns that growing up was dysfunctional.
Quite a deal.
You inherit it if you wish. Its your choice to drag it around or dump it and stand up for yourself.
I never signed up for this caregiver thing but here I am. Trying to navigate the waters, getting POA S in place, outside caregivers, primary care physicians, etc. Elder care and dementia snuck up and no one ever thought it would be. It was never discussed. Just where the Will is after Death That was it.
So if my parent gets snarky at all I just leave. I ask why do you have to be like that? and leave. I did not choose them as parents. Im a product of their pairing. Might seem like a selfish way to look at it but when one grows up in a dysfunctional family and are now faced with ageing parents still caught in their dysfunction and demented as well? One must protect the inner child.
Get the things in place for them if you wish and come what may.
I was in a session with my therapist, discussing my mother's needs. I said "I don't think my mom was a particularly good mother, but I am a good daughter and that is why I will be here for her." I actually think my relationship with my parent now is massively better than when she was rearing me, because I have been able to become her defender, helper, and supporter in a way I wish she would have done for me----and I realize it is hard. I have come to the place where I can understand her upbringing and social group---and mine as well---with much more generosity than I did when I was younger. Maybe that can happen for you. Of course, some things do become unforgivable and if you find yourself in that situation, then your first duty is to yourself. I wish you peace.
You are free from that prison, but you are playing many re-runs of that movie. I know.
The second you play those re-runs you volunteer as your parent's agent.
Instead replace those memories immediately with these words in your mind... "No! I'm in charge now", and think of tons of pleasant things.
The first several times that rotten movie starts say those words with conviction and replace the thought
Continue to repeat it instantly as you need to. After a while, and you'll know when, say the same but with more kindness to yourself, and knowingly.
You have long physically bailed from that play. You retired. Change your tone to yourself. Maybe you can instead say in your mind…"No silly. You're doing it again. That dragon is just a sorry-a** Gecko."
Show yourself for yourself as a stand-up, straight-up, proud-of-yourself, surviving success of a human being by your own doing because you would never do what was done to you to any little person or anyone. You are the better person.
You may still have to deal with that person. I recommend not to, or with great restriction. Seek a local support group or care manager. You don't have to care for him. Your kind "obligation" is to make sure he is taken-care-of, not that you have to do it. No one will do as well as you, Get over that. You're not going to make any, none, ever, points.
Be joyous that you have taken back and are in great control of your freedom. Realize it.
Physics says that we are eternal energy and light beings. We have to forgive all that have hurt us because they don't know how much they have hurt us. They have reacted to the wrongful idea that we are not one. Their parents before them most likely hurt them, and so on and so on. In my case, I was severely abused as a child and then had a near death experience. That person that was supposed to by my mother went through the stock market crash/steal during 1929 and beyond. Her parents went through huge insecurity which caused them to be very anti social. They never hugged me or kissed me and neither did that mother, whom I never called mom or mommy or mother. I have been reading books for over 40 years to clear myself. Now my stress is for the soul creating me. I ask this soul how it could put so many of us through so much stress without enough help. The book Hands of Light written by the physicist Barbara Brennan is of great help to me. There are pictures/diagrams of what we all look like as holograms/electrical energy fields out of these bodies. It is true. We can't die because we are constantly being created.
You must be made of sterner stuff by wanting to help your father who was emotionally abusive to you and your mother. Perhaps you have found a way to forgive him for the hurt he has done to you and your mother or perhaps you think that since your mother has passed away it is your duty to care for him. It seems that you are suffering from burnout and it’s starting to affect your mental health.
I know for a fact that Medicare Advantage pays for assistance with having someone come in to cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, and take patients to doctor’s’ appointments. If your father has only original or traditional Medicare he will not get these benefits as original Medicare only pays for Parts A and B (doctors’ visits and hospital stays). If your father does not have Medicare Advantage, you should look into enrolling him into one of these programs which will be a huge help to you and less stressful for you. I live in New Jersey and I have Medicare Advantage and I love it. I do not have to make any co-payment when I visit my PCP, and I also do not have to pay any monthly premium. Also, I get $70 every quarter for OTC products, $200 yearly for eyeglasses, $275 for fitness, nutritional, etc., and many, many more benefits. They also pay for someone to come into my home to sit as a companion if I need one. Also, if you are a certain age they give $75 every quarter for fruits and vegetables.
I pray that you find a solution to your problem before it ruins your health.
There must be a piece missing out of your beautiful puzzle. How can you enjoy all these great benefits from Medicare Advantage without paying some sort of premium? I've Never seen anything like what you have described. We have pretty good coverage, but we also pay something every month!
With grace. Grace develops as we get older and have more understanding. My mom was one such person when I was living at home before 19 YO and once. or twice when I was an adult and gone through a divorce or needed to stay with her to help.
Let me start by saying this: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CARE FOR YOUR PARENT IF YOU DO NOT FEEL EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH YOUR HISTORY. What's more, there is nothing wrong with you if you choose not to and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for making the choice that is best for you. In the best of circumstances, a caregiver must take care of themselves so they can take care of their loved one. In your case, this is so much more true. But - may I share my story about how I came to be my mother's caregiver?
I grew up in the same way. My mother is a narcissist and was very abusive verbally and emotionally. When I tell people the things she did and said when I was a kid, they don't believe it possible unless they themselves were emotionally abused. As an adult, I caught myself relating to my daughter the way my mother related to me and I knew then I had to break the cycle, so I cut contact with my mother and threw myself into learning how to be the mother my daughter (and later, my son) deserved - the kind of mother I deserved but didn't have.
People often said "Don't stay mad at your mother." or "What if she dies without you reconciling with her?" Over the years, I worked through the issues she created in me (at some point, you have to quit blaming someone else for your problems and fix yourself, right?) and I resisted the guilt others tried to impose for my choice.
It's quite a long story how I eventually reconciled with my mother (although reconciled is a strong word - perhaps reconnected is better), but I eventually had to make the decision whether to resume communication and eventually take on care for her. I think if this had come up even ten years earlier in my life, I would not have been able to do so. I made the decision to take on her care though, and I can say that three years into it now, for the most part, it's been good. I came to this decision though by first giving myself permission to walk away if it began to affect my mental health. I think that's really important and there are days that I remind myself that I have allowed myself an escape route if needed.
I chose to care for her because I loved my dad and my stepdad so much and I want to honor them by caring for the woman they both loved (though that still confounds me how that was). I'm a Christian and I believe that God wants me to honor my father and my mother (but honoring them doesn't mean I have to be abused by them). I do it because I want to model for my grown kids, and especially my daughter who witnessed some of my mother's bad behavior before I severed ties, how a person can rise above and be kind in spite of another person's poor treatment. And I do it because I have used her abuse to make myself a better person and I can care for her the way she didn't care for me.
There are times when, despite her dementia, her narcissism shines through and I feel the sting. At those times, I put up barriers both physically and emotionally. I've stepped away for two or three weeks at a time sometimes, but I can do this because she is in a memory care unit (I would NEVER try to live with her or give all the care she needs directly - I know without a doubt that would cause serious problems for me) and all her physical needs are met. I also cope by vigorously protecting my personal time and engaging in positive activity that burns energy and engages my mind (for me, sewing and gardening) and I do volunteer work as a CASA, serving children with difficult home lives which I find particularly fulfilling given my own history.
I hope that you have the support and love to help you overcome your childhood. It isn't easy. I don't think we can ever fully overcome, but we can use our pasts to make us better people. And once that progress is begun, it should be jealously protected and nurtured. If that means you can't care for your parent, so be it. It's your turn now.
Faithful, I'm a firm believer in the saying, "We can only do what we can do." Some folks can just "let it go." Some can't. Some folks can find relief and peace through therapy. Some can't. Some folks have to walk away from family without another thought. Some can't. It's a process for sure to learn what you can tolerate and what you can't. It's a process to learn how to navigate around or through situations and feelings. Everybody has advice on how they managed, but your story is your story, and you have to find your own "happy" (i.e. livable) medium. When you find yourself saying, "I can't do this," respect that, and try to find another option you can tolerate. Because you can only do what YOU can do.
Your anxiety and depression will only be more difficult to deal with if you don’t choose to forgive your mom and hopefully let go of your resentments. I was in a similar situation caring for my mom. An important piece was coming to understand what led her to be abusive. We can’t change people only our reaction to them. I became more loving toward her as I understood her history. And as I became more loving so did she.
Thank you for your reply. I have tried being loving to him. Each time I try to do something nice he has negative comments about what I do. When I try to have conversations with him it sometimes turns negative and any time we are together and around someone else that might give me a compliment, he just gets this unpleasant look on his face or if I'm laughing and talking with the person, he keeps interrupting the conversation to bring up something negative. It is like he does not want any positive attention towards me.
Im also caring for my mom who was mentally abusive (still manipulative at times) . I have two siblings that walked away from the situation and left me to deal with it. (I'm the younger one, with the most abuse) but somehow still feel as though it's my job to see to it that she is safe, cared for. We have a better relationship now than what we did years ago because she knows where I stand, and I'm not afraid to tell her.
Im in the same situation. I look at it this way. You are the better person for taking care of them. I lived my life being a good person. The opposite of my parents. I sleep with a clean conscience and when its over I know as aggravating as it is, Its still the right thing to do.
My counselor told me : my job is to make sure she is in a safe home, has food and medical care as needed. Not my job to make my mom happy. In my opinion you owe nothing else. A good counselor can help you work through this job..good luck..
It is always beyond me that anyone who has been abused feels obligated to care for him/her later in life. Cut the umbilical cord. But it may help if the abuser apologizes and makes amends. However, negatives tend to cancel out positives because they leave scars.
It is always beyond me that anyone who has been abused feels obligated to care for him/her later in life. Cut the umbilical cord. But it may help if the abuser apologizes and makes amends. However, negatives cancel out positives because they leave scars.
As an only child, life for me was not the “spoiled child”, as some think is the norm. I definitely came from the “children are seen and not heard” generation, as I’m sure some of you have. my dad worked three jobs, which was unfortunate, since he gave me so much love when we were together. Mom worked from 1pm to 5pm. I walked home from school. I still recall the neglect that was unrealized by me as a very young child. As early as I can remember, from 4 years old, I wasn’t bathed regularly, hair washed etc. I dressed myself, was required to clean my own room or was spanked…or I would now call that beaten. Dad left early each morning to work, came home, got ready for the 2nd job and then back to get ready for the 3rd. Mom left dinner in the fridge for me to get ready for dad. She went from her job to visit with her lady friends and family. I was alone. At six years old, I’ve had a teacher send a note home to tell my mom to be sure to give me a bath regularly. When she was home she was uncaring, nervous and verbally abusive. Her friends loved her though. Through the years as I walked home from school to an empty house, I was taunted by bullies with no one to cry to. She only cared about herself and her girlfriends! I was never taught about womanly things as I entered my teens. I know this sounds like a pity party, but abuse comes in many forms! Now I am the sole caregiver for mom. After doing this while she was home for the past 16 years since Dad passed, She is now in a skilled nursing home due to severe diabetes and dementia. I feel it’s my duty to visit, when I’m off work, take her out, bring her shoes, sugar free treats, clothing essentials, and to show her love and care. I do limit my visits to when I can. Everyone there says “we all love your mom! She’s the sweetest!”. They have no idea what my life was like and I don’t share that. My advice. Don’t do what makes you shudder and suffer. we all have a story. Mine is just telling the tip of the iceberg. Keep your sanity.
Having an abusive parent -- physical and/or emotional abuse, abuse is abuse -- is so difficult to work through generally and harder when the abusive parent becomes elderly and in need of care/help. Sorry you are having to deal with this, hugs.
You might find working with a talented therapist to unpack all of this and to work on healing a worthwhile endeavor. No one can change what happened in the past, we can only change ourselves in how we act/react and perhaps reframe the past as we move forward. And this is not an easy nor quick thing. It take lots of time to heal, and lots of work. The healing journey is not linear; more two steps forward and one step backwards.
One way to "reframe" things is how one defines "caring." Sure, caring can be one-on-one, 24/7, doing it all yourself. Caring can ALSO mean, assuring the abuser gets the care they need but provided by others! The later is still caring. That care by others can go as far as handing it off entirely to others (facility care such as assistive living or a nursing home; or even to Adult Protective Services whereby a State guardian is appointed.) W/the later (APS and State guardianship), you still assured they got the care they needed AND ALSO YOU CARED for yourself by not subjecting yourself the abuser and their abuse!
My mother was a toxic person her entire life (these people are damaged, wounded individuals who have no empathy or insight into their abuse, nor do they make efforts to do the work to heal themselves). After my father passed away when I was a kid, the State took custody away from my mom and I went into foster care until I left for college.
After graduate school, marriage and starting my own family; I reconnected with my mother. At the time, I -- wrongly -- assumed that as an accomplished adult (career, husband, home, family -- productive member of society) she'd see me for the adult I had become and we could get along. She was on better behavior, I still had to correct things from time to time, saying I would NOT tolerate X or Y.
Fast forward, she ended up moving in with us -- she was in dire financial straights w/her history of compulsive gambling. It kinda worked. She still gambled, burnt through ever nickel from Social Security and my dad's pension; but then there was no condo to take out second mortgages on or loans from loan sharks as she no longer had that asset. It was sold to pay off all her debts at the time she moved in, she was left with virtually nothing after having paid cash for a very nice condo 25 years earlier after my dad passed. The condo should have been a nice nest egg for her.
As she declined, I tried to help her (taking her to all MD and PT visits, encouraging her to get hearing aides, to eat better and to exercise). She'd have none of it, and the angry, abusive behavior, outburst started back. In hindsight now, it clearly was the beginning of dementia -- she was loosing the ability to have any control over her emotions or behavior. It just got crazy and the physical decline was rapid. After a bad fall in 2020 during the COVID lock down and a two week hospital stay, she went to a Rehab facility (collapsed lung, resistant blood and lung infection, GI bleed, 25 lb weight loss, inability to walk, incontinent, uncontrolled diabetes, etc and clinical depression). This 10 week absence from my home gave me a chance to start recovering, and w/COVID there were no in-person visits. I was exhausted, anxious and stressed out to the max trying to deal with her. We were able to get her permanently place in the long term care unit at that facility and the year after, she qualified for Medicaid long term care coverage. Her abuse went full throttle because I would NOT take her back into my home to do care 24/7. In 2021, I went full no contact with her. It is almost 2 years since I have seen/spoke to her, and working with a great therapist I am healing. She is 86 and I have no plans to make contact again.
If he refuses either payed help to come to his house or to go to a facility you call your local agency of aging for a social worker to come assess his needs and help facilitate moving to a facility.
If that is not successful , call APS for a vulnerable elder.
I could not get my mother to leave , social worker told me to stop doing things for her . Told me to let her fail at daily living so she can get placed in a facility. If your Dad ends up in the ER or hospital tell them you can’t care for him anymore. Have the social worker help place him in a facility from the hospital. Do not pick him up and take him home again.
Please take care of your own needs .
(warning emotional)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyqcqjwHcis
Thank you for posting this link. Powerful, and really has me thinking today.
APS is always an option if it gets to much.
I was both neglected and physically abused by my mother when I was a child. It really was nothing personal (it wasn't ME she ignored or hit, it was just that obnoxious thing that stole time and money from the children she actually wanted), she just had a 3rd child she did not want too soon after having the 2 children that she did want. I tried to earn her love for more than 8 years before I figured out that it was a waste of time, left home as soon as I was 18. Moved 3,000 miles away.
But that was not the end. After years of therapy I learned that I needed to come to an understanding and get some peace about my unfortunate non-childhood. Guided by various therapists I reconnected with my family and made friends with some of them.
I did help care for my mother in some rather minor ways, but I committed to nothing that made me uncomfortable and spent little time in her home. I ran errands and took my mother to lunch once a week. We did develop an adult friendship of sorts and I learned to appreciate some of her better attributes. I learned to understand her rejection of my birth, my existence. That does not mean that the memories no longer hurt. It means that I also understood her hurt and her frustration at having a 3rd, then a 4th, then a 5th child when there simply were no resources for more than the 2 children that she actually wanted. The '50's were a cruel time for poor women.
If you are already dealing with anxiety and depression, I hope you have the resources for good therapists. They can help you a lot. You need to deal with yourself and your own problems first. Make good friends where you find them, they can also help you. I found they were especially helpful in taking my mind off my own problems. Helping someone else do something for the pure pleasure of doing it is amazing medicine for anxiety and depression. I know this from experience.
As for your mother, is there someone else who is her primary caregiver? I doubt that it is possible for you to play that role, given your own needs. If that role has been forced on you, refuse it. You will do no good for you or your mother. Such forced "care" would not be either "caring" nor helpful. You would simply amplify the hard feelings that are already there. If necessary, contact state authorities and tell them your mother needs a case worker.
If you are not the primary caregiver, good. Try to do what I did and accept only what you can feel good about doing. If you can visit her once a week (or two weeks) and take her a small gift, that is something that could cheer her up and might make you feel good too. If that is too much, and you really do not want to see her, then send her a card now and then. Why do anything at all? So that you give yourself a chance to extend some peace toward her, giving yourself a chance to heal a little bit. Whatever small thing you can do, do it only if you feel like it. Do nothing for a time if that is what you can deal with. Just watch that you are not looking for revenge or payback. That would hurt you more than help you. Whatever you do, do it for your own part in healing yourself. The relationship with your mother is part of you that is deeply wounded, but any small bit of healing will make all the rest of your sense of yourself feel stronger and more peaceful.
Above all, love yourself, care for yourself, and know that there are many of us who share your pain and know that you, too, can survive this and become the strong and capable person that you are meant to be. You deserve to be able to know and love yourself and to be in charge of all your relationships. You can do this.
Psychotherapy can help a victim walk backwards and look at their upbringings from an adult's perspective. Victims can choose whether or not to forgive those who abused them for some sick gratification: letting go of the pain can bring great relief and free an imprisoned soul. Victims must be very aware of their rights to offer their support from a distance, perhaps by advocating rather than caretaking.
Work with a therapist to set your boundaries of self protection and don't forfeit them. Please consider attending a wellness retreat where they teach Mindfulness Meditation................you are worth the investment!
Reach out to all the aging care agencies for references and help.
A stressful childhood can weaken your immune system, if you add a stressful adulthood that’s a one two punch you don’t want.
While I resented her at times, I did love her. And, now I was in charge, I called the shots, and being in control was therapeutic for me. Also, I inherited everything she owned after her death while I had ensured she had no debt.
I am free now. I have no guilt or obligations to anyone, and my "favored" older siblings got no inheritance because they did nothing for her in her final years. Lucky for them, I am not selfish and I did share some cash inheritance out of good will. I am free!
Both my parents are in dementia states. There is not even any support from one or the other , in my case, because they both are needy.
My folks did the best they could with what they knew to do. Now they know nothing. Not being able to think is huge. For me it's hard to watch no matter how crappy they were as parents. Never really wanted for anything growing up other than the normalcy that one sees after one learns that growing up was dysfunctional.
Quite a deal.
You inherit it if you wish. Its your choice to drag it around or dump it and stand up for yourself.
I never signed up for this caregiver thing but here I am. Trying to navigate the waters, getting POA S in place, outside caregivers, primary care physicians, etc. Elder care and dementia snuck up and no one ever thought it would be. It was never discussed. Just where the Will is after Death That was it.
So if my parent gets snarky at all I just leave. I ask why do you have to be like that? and leave. I did not choose them as parents. Im a product of their pairing. Might seem like a selfish way to look at it but when one grows up in a dysfunctional family and are now faced with ageing parents still caught in their dysfunction and demented as well? One must protect the inner child.
Get the things in place for them if you wish and come what may.
You are free from that prison, but you are playing many re-runs of that movie.
I know.
The second you play those re-runs you volunteer as your parent's agent.
Instead replace those memories immediately with these words in your mind... "No! I'm in charge now", and think of tons of pleasant things.
The first several times that rotten movie starts say those words with conviction and replace the thought
Continue to repeat it instantly as you need to. After a while, and you'll know when, say the same but with more kindness to yourself, and knowingly.
You have long physically bailed from that play. You retired.
Change your tone to yourself. Maybe you can instead say in your mind…"No silly. You're doing it again. That dragon is just a sorry-a** Gecko."
Show yourself for yourself as a stand-up, straight-up, proud-of-yourself, surviving success of a human being by your own doing because you would never do what was done to you to any little person or anyone. You are the better person.
You may still have to deal with that person. I recommend not to, or with great restriction. Seek a local support group or care manager. You don't have to care for him. Your kind "obligation" is to make sure he is taken-care-of, not that you have to do it. No one will do as well as you, Get over that. You're not going to make any, none, ever, points.
Be joyous that you have taken back and are in great control of your freedom. Realize it.
In my case, I was severely abused as a child and then had a near death experience. That person that was supposed to by my mother went through the stock market crash/steal during 1929 and beyond. Her parents went through huge insecurity which caused them to be very anti social. They never hugged me or kissed me and neither did that mother, whom I never called mom or mommy or mother.
I have been reading books for over 40 years to clear myself. Now my stress is for the soul creating me. I ask this soul how it could put so many of us through so much stress without enough help. The book Hands of Light written by the physicist Barbara Brennan is of great help to me. There are pictures/diagrams of what we all look like as holograms/electrical energy fields out of these bodies. It is true. We can't die because we are constantly being created.
I know for a fact that Medicare Advantage pays for assistance with having someone come in to cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, and take patients to doctor’s’ appointments. If your father has only original or traditional Medicare he will not get these benefits as original Medicare only pays for Parts A and B (doctors’ visits and hospital stays). If your father does not have Medicare Advantage, you should look into enrolling him into one of these programs which will be a huge help to you and less stressful for you. I live in New Jersey and I have Medicare Advantage and I love it. I do not have to make any co-payment when I visit my PCP, and I also do not have to pay any monthly premium. Also, I get $70 every quarter for OTC products, $200 yearly for eyeglasses, $275 for fitness, nutritional, etc., and many, many more benefits. They also pay for someone to come into my home to sit as a companion if I need one. Also, if you are a certain age they give $75 every quarter for fruits and vegetables.
I pray that you find a solution to your problem before it ruins your health.
We have pretty good coverage, but we also pay something every month!
My mom was one such person when I was living at home before 19 YO and once. or twice when I was an adult and gone through a divorce or needed to stay with her to help.
Let me start by saying this: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CARE FOR YOUR PARENT IF YOU DO NOT FEEL EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH YOUR HISTORY. What's more, there is nothing wrong with you if you choose not to and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for making the choice that is best for you. In the best of circumstances, a caregiver must take care of themselves so they can take care of their loved one. In your case, this is so much more true. But - may I share my story about how I came to be my mother's caregiver?
I grew up in the same way. My mother is a narcissist and was very abusive verbally and emotionally. When I tell people the things she did and said when I was a kid, they don't believe it possible unless they themselves were emotionally abused. As an adult, I caught myself relating to my daughter the way my mother related to me and I knew then I had to break the cycle, so I cut contact with my mother and threw myself into learning how to be the mother my daughter (and later, my son) deserved - the kind of mother I deserved but didn't have.
People often said "Don't stay mad at your mother." or "What if she dies without you reconciling with her?" Over the years, I worked through the issues she created in me (at some point, you have to quit blaming someone else for your problems and fix yourself, right?) and I resisted the guilt others tried to impose for my choice.
It's quite a long story how I eventually reconciled with my mother (although reconciled is a strong word - perhaps reconnected is better), but I eventually had to make the decision whether to resume communication and eventually take on care for her. I think if this had come up even ten years earlier in my life, I would not have been able to do so. I made the decision to take on her care though, and I can say that three years into it now, for the most part, it's been good. I came to this decision though by first giving myself permission to walk away if it began to affect my mental health. I think that's really important and there are days that I remind myself that I have allowed myself an escape route if needed.
I chose to care for her because I loved my dad and my stepdad so much and I want to honor them by caring for the woman they both loved (though that still confounds me how that was). I'm a Christian and I believe that God wants me to honor my father and my mother (but honoring them doesn't mean I have to be abused by them). I do it because I want to model for my grown kids, and especially my daughter who witnessed some of my mother's bad behavior before I severed ties, how a person can rise above and be kind in spite of another person's poor treatment. And I do it because I have used her abuse to make myself a better person and I can care for her the way she didn't care for me.
There are times when, despite her dementia, her narcissism shines through and I feel the sting. At those times, I put up barriers both physically and emotionally. I've stepped away for two or three weeks at a time sometimes, but I can do this because she is in a memory care unit (I would NEVER try to live with her or give all the care she needs directly - I know without a doubt that would cause serious problems for me) and all her physical needs are met. I also cope by vigorously protecting my personal time and engaging in positive activity that burns energy and engages my mind (for me, sewing and gardening) and I do volunteer work as a CASA, serving children with difficult home lives which I find particularly fulfilling given my own history.
I hope that you have the support and love to help you overcome your childhood. It isn't easy. I don't think we can ever fully overcome, but we can use our pasts to make us better people. And once that progress is begun, it should be jealously protected and nurtured. If that means you can't care for your parent, so be it. It's your turn now.
I'm a firm believer in the saying, "We can only do what we can do."
Some folks can just "let it go." Some can't.
Some folks can find relief and peace through therapy. Some can't.
Some folks have to walk away from family without another thought. Some can't.
It's a process for sure to learn what you can tolerate and what you can't. It's a process to learn how to navigate around or through situations and feelings. Everybody has advice on how they managed, but your story is your story, and you have to find your own "happy" (i.e. livable) medium. When you find yourself saying, "I can't do this," respect that, and try to find another option you can tolerate. Because you can only do what YOU can do.
I definitely came from the “children are seen and not heard” generation, as I’m sure some of you have.
my dad worked three jobs, which was unfortunate, since he gave me so much love when we were together.
Mom worked from 1pm to 5pm. I walked home from school.
I still recall the neglect that was unrealized by me as a very young child.
As early as I can remember, from 4 years old, I wasn’t bathed regularly, hair washed etc. I dressed myself, was required to clean my own room or was spanked…or I would now call that beaten.
Dad left early each morning to work, came home, got ready for the 2nd job and then back to get ready for the 3rd.
Mom left dinner in the fridge for me to get ready for dad.
She went from her job to visit with her lady friends and family.
I was alone. At six years old, I’ve had a teacher send a note home to tell my mom to be sure to give me a bath regularly.
When she was home she was uncaring, nervous and verbally abusive.
Her friends loved her though.
Through the years as I walked home from school to an empty house, I was taunted by bullies with no one to cry to. She only cared about herself and her girlfriends!
I was never taught about womanly things as I entered my teens.
I know this sounds like a pity party, but abuse comes in many forms!
Now I am the sole caregiver for mom. After doing this while she was home for the past 16 years since Dad passed, She is now in a skilled nursing home due to severe diabetes and dementia.
I feel it’s my duty to visit, when I’m off work, take her out, bring her shoes, sugar free treats, clothing essentials, and to show her love and care.
I do limit my visits to when I can.
Everyone there says “we all love your mom! She’s the sweetest!”.
They have no idea what my life was like and I don’t share that.
My advice. Don’t do what makes you shudder and suffer.
we all have a story. Mine is just telling the tip of the iceberg.
Keep your sanity.
You might find working with a talented therapist to unpack all of this and to work on healing a worthwhile endeavor. No one can change what happened in the past, we can only change ourselves in how we act/react and perhaps reframe the past as we move forward. And this is not an easy nor quick thing. It take lots of time to heal, and lots of work. The healing journey is not linear; more two steps forward and one step backwards.
One way to "reframe" things is how one defines "caring." Sure, caring can be one-on-one, 24/7, doing it all yourself. Caring can ALSO mean, assuring the abuser gets the care they need but provided by others! The later is still caring. That care by others can go as far as handing it off entirely to others (facility care such as assistive living or a nursing home; or even to Adult Protective Services whereby a State guardian is appointed.) W/the later (APS and State guardianship), you still assured they got the care they needed AND ALSO YOU CARED for yourself by not subjecting yourself the abuser and their abuse!
My mother was a toxic person her entire life (these people are damaged, wounded individuals who have no empathy or insight into their abuse, nor do they make efforts to do the work to heal themselves). After my father passed away when I was a kid, the State took custody away from my mom and I went into foster care until I left for college.
After graduate school, marriage and starting my own family; I reconnected with my mother. At the time, I -- wrongly -- assumed that as an accomplished adult (career, husband, home, family -- productive member of society) she'd see me for the adult I had become and we could get along. She was on better behavior, I still had to correct things from time to time, saying I would NOT tolerate X or Y.
Fast forward, she ended up moving in with us -- she was in dire financial straights w/her history of compulsive gambling. It kinda worked. She still gambled, burnt through ever nickel from Social Security and my dad's pension; but then there was no condo to take out second mortgages on or loans from loan sharks as she no longer had that asset. It was sold to pay off all her debts at the time she moved in, she was left with virtually nothing after having paid cash for a very nice condo 25 years earlier after my dad passed. The condo should have been a nice nest egg for her.
As she declined, I tried to help her (taking her to all MD and PT visits, encouraging her to get hearing aides, to eat better and to exercise). She'd have none of it, and the angry, abusive behavior, outburst started back. In hindsight now, it clearly was the beginning of dementia -- she was loosing the ability to have any control over her emotions or behavior. It just got crazy and the physical decline was rapid. After a bad fall in 2020 during the COVID lock down and a two week hospital stay, she went to a Rehab facility (collapsed lung, resistant blood and lung infection, GI bleed, 25 lb weight loss, inability to walk, incontinent, uncontrolled diabetes, etc and clinical depression). This 10 week absence from my home gave me a chance to start recovering, and w/COVID there were no in-person visits. I was exhausted, anxious and stressed out to the max trying to deal with her. We were able to get her permanently place in the long term care unit at that facility and the year after, she qualified for Medicaid long term care coverage. Her abuse went full throttle because I would NOT take her back into my home to do care 24/7. In 2021, I went full no contact with her. It is almost 2 years since I have seen/spoke to her, and working with a great therapist I am healing. She is 86 and I have no plans to make contact again.