You should consider outside care.Your anger at her for her behavior to you as a child may overwhelm you when she mistreats you again.You dont owe her your mental peace.
I spent the last seven years caring for my narcissistic, antisocial mother, who moved near us when my husband retired, having decided that we were going to be responsible for her life - without any discussion. We didn't realise this at first, and by the time we did we were in too deep to get out easily. The strain on our marriage and on my mental health was quite heavy - I ended up in counselling and on anti-anxiety medication. But we still didn't feel able to stop caring (partly because we didn't want to look bad to family and outsiders, I admit), though we changed the ways we did it and became less hands-on. I would never blame anyone who did stop, though, if they felt bad enough.
It took me a long time to accept that my needs were as valid as my mother's - I'm not sure I ever did fully, because 60 years of scapegoat training is hard to undo. My mum died a few months ago and people have commented on how 'lifted' I look. I hope you don't have to wait that long.
This resonates with me so much. My mother is also an antisocial narcissist. I have been caring for her for the past year and a half since her cancer diagnosis. She has stage 4 lung cancer that spread to her spine and brain. A surgery to remove the spinal tumor left her disabled from the waist down. She is unable to walk, wipe, etc. on her own. I feel obligated to care for her. My sister completely cut her off shortly after her diagnosis so I have been alone caring for her now without a break. I have so many feelings about this. I also feel bad not about what others will think but about if I abandon her the same way she did us as kids. My mother has trained me to care for her my entire life, I am terrified to do any different even though I feel like this is stripping me of everything. Growing up my mom was an alcoholic. We lived in hotels and motels for some time then apartments and finally she bought a house. She used to take us to bars and around her alcoholic and drug addicted friends. I was constantly terrified and I never felt safe, I still experience that lack of safety often. I am in therapy and truly doing my best but I am struggling more than I ever have before. All I want is for this woman to love me and care about me but she never will. She is angry that she has cancer and is disabled and anytime I am remotely happy she tries to tear me down and take it from me. It is extremely hard to escape this type of abuse, it's possible just very hard. I am constantly worried about doing "the right thing". I came on here hoping I could connect with other people who have been through this or are going through it and we could support each other. It would be nice to talk to people who understand this type of abuse.
My sister copped the worst from our foul tempered abusive father until she left home at 21. We all did, my brother and me and my mother to some extent. He brought home his stress and shitty days at work, and took it out on us. Now he’s a demented old man living with my husband and me. Won’t say boo, completely the polar opposite of what he used to be. I am in control now, in my home and won’t put up with any of his nonsense for a minute. He keeps to himself pretty much. I sat down with him one day when he understood things better and told him exactly how I felt about his temper tantrums and beatings we got as kids. He claimed to not remember them and was shocked that he was like that. Whether he was faking or not, who knows? It doesn’t matter now. My husband is less able to understand how I can be at peace with the past. His mother was a control freak and domineering but not violent. His father was a softie. I’m not really at peace, some memories rear their ugly head at times and I force myself to bury them. Now I can’t allow myself to dwell on such things that only prove to destroy my life. I have enough in my present life at the moment to keep my mental health at risk.
Exposing your daughter to an abusive grandfather she "will not really have anything to do with because of how he has acted with her over the years" and a depressed anxious mother is doing HER an enormous disservice in favor of caring for HIM. You owe him nothing and her everything.
She lives in another state. He asked many times why she will not communicate with him and I finally told him that the reason is because of the way he talks to her and the negativity. He told me that he is not going to change so I no longer encourage her to communicate with him. She is definitely my priority . She does not know about my depression and anxiety because I do not want her to worry about me.
Best answer - for all concerned - is that you don't.
You said yourself that you are already dealing with anxiety and depression.
Abuse, any kind of abuse, leaves a mark. Maybe not a physical one - but it doesn't have to be physical to leave scars.
No one should be in the position of caring for their abuser. For a number of reasons.
1. Whether you have processed and healed - or not - you are throwing yourself right back into the lion's den. Into an unhealthy environment where you are regularly exposed to your abuser.
2. Your abuser...is now dependent on YOU. In very rare cases, that can make them thankful. But that almost never happens. The more likely scenario is that it makes them resentful and angry - and they take that out on YOU. They feel indebted to you, and that is unsettling, so they have to turn it on you and make it about you being in their debt and owing them care - just for being born.
3. Even if you happen to feel healthy and like you have moved on (and it sounds like you may not from your post) you are still very prone to have all of those old feelings dredged up from spending so much time with your parent. That is bound to make you feel like you did when the emotional abuse was occurring. And take you right back to that time.
4. The emotional abuse could start again.
5. You are not dealing with your parent as a child now. You are now an adult - fully grown - with all of the physical power and responsibility that comes with that. And you are now dealing with - not another equal adult - but a vulnerable elderly one - one that is generally only slightly less protected than small children and the disabled - so you are in the power position now- and any sense that YOU are wielding that power in any way - wrong - will be observed by many - in the way that your parent's emotional abuse of you as a child SHOULD have been.
Why is #5 important? Because it would be very easy for your parent to back you into a corner, provoke you and push you too far - and bring back all of that old pain - and you have to always be in control of yourself. YOU have to always be one step ahead of your parent and you cannot under any circumstances ever let them get to you to the point that you cannot reign it in.
I have watched my DH and SIL deal with my FIL's continued abuse now for years. Only the physical abuse stopped. I have had to reign myself in at times. He is a terrible man. But he is still a vulnerable old man in the eyes of the world. And he can play the part very well. Our children have not been allowed around him in years. But we have had a support system and we have had a goal. To get him into a care facility. And we finally succeeded. It's only slightly more peaceful - but at least we aren't around him as much.
From my perspective. You should never have to care for your abuser. It's not good for anyone concerned.
Thank you for your response. The responses here have been so helpful. You are correct.. I wake up every morning thinking about how I was treated as a child. It is often hard to get my day started because of this and having to be the caregiver makes it harder. I do not mind helping out but I'm broken in so many ways because of the mistreatment. It has affected so many life decisions in a negative way. My daughter will not really have anything to do with him because of how he has acted with her as well over the years. He honestly wants me to give up anything I like, love or need to do and spend all day, everyday with him. This is not fair. I would not want that for my daughter when I'm older.. I want her to have a life.
You just don't. A once abused child should NEVER have to take on the care of the one who abused them. Period. There are plenty of other options out there for their care, so let their care fall on someone else, and you continue to get yourself healthy.
VNA has social workers . If you see your Primary care doctor or His they should able to give you a social worker to set up services . They can connect you to a senior home care provider that accepts medicare - from there they Hook you up with a case Manager , Nurse , Certified Nurse assistant ( for bathing and Light house keeping ) get meals on Wheels and a grocery shopper or Home meals like hello Fresh or Martha Stewart Food Boxes delivered . It sounds like he can do his own Laundry . I will buy 4 or 5 Bottles of Laundry soap . the VNA can send people in too for Physical therapy and social work that doesnt cost anything - Your PCP Can write a script for Physical Therapy and a Visiting Nurse. Eventually a schedule is worked out and he remains Independent and you have your Life and Know he isn't alone . If he has a extra bedroom you can get a Over Night person thru care.com Or the Next door Neighborhood app . I go to Community acupuncture for Myself . There are caregivers courses and support groups - Upaya Zen Center has classes by Donation for caregivers and Meditation groups . Create a strong Boundary for yourself and speak up for yourself when you have to . Remember you are basically the parent now - have compassion for yourself .
There are some excellent responses below. I had a similar situation with my mom. I made sure she was cared for but not by me. I cared for her from a distance because everything can be delivered. At the end I would not see her unless my sister or husband was with me because then she would be calm.
Take care of yourself, set up what you can and live your life. Your health will decline under all this stress and then where will you be?
You don't say what age Dad is but if your retired he has to in his 80s. Does he have money, if so he needs to use it to hire someone to the his wash, his cleaning, errands and grocery shopping. It doesn' have to be everyday. In an 8 hr period someone should be able to do it all. Grocery shopping can be don't on the internet and picked up when ready. Prescription can be delivered. How dirty can one man get.
Call the office of aging and ask for resources. If he is low income, maybe he will qualify for in home Medicaid. There's senior bussing he can use for appts and shopping. Tell him to pretend he has no children. He needs to do for himself and when he can't time to go to an Assisted Living or Long-term care. You can call APS and tell them you need to go back to work. Can Dad be evaluated for help. This will put him on their radar. If they ever feel he need to be placed in a facility you tell them that the State will need to step in because u will not be taking over his care. No POA or guardianship. He abused you as a child and you do not want to be in his life.
You had a very good reason from the start to say No. I believe what we reap we sow. What goes around comes around. I know, we need to forgive but I also think people have to realize that the wrongs they have done in life come back on them before they die. People like your Dad feel they are entitled but you need to show him he isn't. Whatever u do for him is out of the goodness of your heart not because he expects it. And for me, when someone expects something out of me, the answer is usually no.
That is such good advice! I looked it up where I live and it states "if you believe that an elder or dependent adult is self neglecting due to diminished mental capacity or physical limitations. You do not have to give us your name or other personal information for us to investigate the allegations." My mother-in-law is 95 and won't move to assisted living. Her daughter has POA but my husband (her son) and I live closest to her. Daughter gets frustrated and stays away for months. She's fallen twice this year and is sliding toward dementia. If she gets bad enough we can do this. Thank you!
I would not care for a parent who had been abusive to me.
I was luckily raised by wonderful parents, and it IS a matter of luck.
I do not consider blood to be thicker than water. My genetics were a happy accident. We are born to either more or less capable parents. Once grown we are responsible to make the best life we can for ourselves and those we love and care for, for those we bring into this world. Our obligation is to our family moving forward, and to ourselves, not to those who failed in our care.
Just how I roll. My choice. My own humble opinion. We each must make our own, recognizing that it IS our choice, and we are responsible for making it.
No one should ever be expected to care for their abuser, whether the abuse was 50 years ago or yesterday. If he was nasty a neighbour that had no children would you feel obligated to jump in whenever he has an issue? He has not earned the right to your care and attention, call the ambulance if it's an emergency and let them deal with it, or if it's not that urgent he can wait until your schedule permits you to help (but only if you choose to). And maybe don't tell him when you have plans, then he won't be able to sabotage them
Line up as many resources as you can. Most will say to hire help, which is great if you can afford it, but some of us can't/are caring for parents who are indigent or close to that. It's also hard when we don't have much of a support system.
I've been looking into local government resources to line up any help I can get. Mom isn't yet close to qualifying for Medicaid care but that may be in the cards at some point. And yes my relatives judge b/c spouse and I have some resources, but we also don't have kids ourselves and will need to pay for care, so we can't deplete our resources caring for Mom.
The most important thing: Post here. You're not alone. <3
Edit: Crossposted with Fawnby below. Of course s/he's right. You're an adult with choices. If caregiving is making you too depressed to function, it's probably time to step back. If in the US, contact your local Council on Aging - there are usually other state resources available also.
It took me a long time to accept that my needs were as valid as my mother's - I'm not sure I ever did fully, because 60 years of scapegoat training is hard to undo. My mum died a few months ago and people have commented on how 'lifted' I look. I hope you don't have to wait that long.
I’m not really at peace, some memories rear their ugly head at times and I force myself to bury them. Now I can’t allow myself to dwell on such things that only prove to destroy my life. I have enough in my present life at the moment to keep my mental health at risk.
You said yourself that you are already dealing with anxiety and depression.
Abuse, any kind of abuse, leaves a mark. Maybe not a physical one - but it doesn't have to be physical to leave scars.
No one should be in the position of caring for their abuser. For a number of reasons.
1. Whether you have processed and healed - or not - you are throwing yourself right back into the lion's den. Into an unhealthy environment where you are regularly exposed to your abuser.
2. Your abuser...is now dependent on YOU. In very rare cases, that can make them thankful. But that almost never happens. The more likely scenario is that it makes them resentful and angry - and they take that out on YOU. They feel indebted to you, and that is unsettling, so they have to turn it on you and make it about you being in their debt and owing them care - just for being born.
3. Even if you happen to feel healthy and like you have moved on (and it sounds like you may not from your post) you are still very prone to have all of those old feelings dredged up from spending so much time with your parent. That is bound to make you feel like you did when the emotional abuse was occurring. And take you right back to that time.
4. The emotional abuse could start again.
5. You are not dealing with your parent as a child now. You are now an adult - fully grown - with all of the physical power and responsibility that comes with that. And you are now dealing with - not another equal adult - but a vulnerable elderly one - one that is generally only slightly less protected than small children and the disabled - so you are in the power position now- and any sense that YOU are wielding that power in any way - wrong - will be observed by many - in the way that your parent's emotional abuse of you as a child SHOULD have been.
Why is #5 important? Because it would be very easy for your parent to back you into a corner, provoke you and push you too far - and bring back all of that old pain - and you have to always be in control of yourself. YOU have to always be one step ahead of your parent and you cannot under any circumstances ever let them get to you to the point that you cannot reign it in.
I have watched my DH and SIL deal with my FIL's continued abuse now for years. Only the physical abuse stopped. I have had to reign myself in at times. He is a terrible man. But he is still a vulnerable old man in the eyes of the world. And he can play the part very well. Our children have not been allowed around him in years. But we have had a support system and we have had a goal. To get him into a care facility. And we finally succeeded. It's only slightly more peaceful - but at least we aren't around him as much.
From my perspective. You should never have to care for your abuser. It's not good for anyone concerned.
There are plenty of other options out there for their care, so let their care fall on someone else, and you continue to get yourself healthy.
Take care of yourself, set up what you can and live your life. Your health will decline under all this stress and then where will you be?
his wash, his cleaning, errands and grocery shopping. It doesn' have to be everyday. In an 8 hr period someone should be able to do it all.
Grocery shopping can be don't on the internet and picked up when ready. Prescription can be delivered. How dirty can one man get.
Call the office of aging and ask for resources. If he is low income, maybe he will qualify for in home Medicaid. There's senior bussing he can use for appts and shopping. Tell him to pretend he has no children. He needs to do for himself and when he can't time to go to an Assisted Living or Long-term care. You can call APS and tell them you need to go back to work. Can Dad be evaluated for help. This will put him on their radar. If they ever feel he need to be placed in a facility you tell them that the State will need to step in because u will not be taking over his care. No POA or guardianship. He abused you as a child and you do not want to be in his life.
You had a very good reason from the start to say No. I believe what we reap we sow. What goes around comes around. I know, we need to forgive but I also think people have to realize that the wrongs they have done in life come back on them before they die. People like your Dad feel they are entitled but you need to show him he isn't. Whatever u do for him is out of the goodness of your heart not because he expects it. And for me, when someone expects something out of me, the answer is usually no.
Stop taking time off to cater to his demands.
Stop doing his laundry.
Stop showing up: call Adult Protective Services and report hil as a vulnerable senior.
He is NOT your responsibility.
My mother-in-law is 95 and won't move to assisted living. Her daughter has POA but my husband (her son) and I live closest to her. Daughter gets frustrated and stays away for months. She's fallen twice this year and is sliding toward dementia. If she gets bad enough we can do this. Thank you!
I was luckily raised by wonderful parents, and it IS a matter of luck.
I do not consider blood to be thicker than water. My genetics were a happy accident. We are born to either more or less capable parents.
Once grown we are responsible to make the best life we can for ourselves and those we love and care for, for those we bring into this world.
Our obligation is to our family moving forward, and to ourselves, not to those who failed in our care.
Just how I roll. My choice. My own humble opinion.
We each must make our own, recognizing that it IS our choice, and we are responsible for making it.
And maybe don't tell him when you have plans, then he won't be able to sabotage them
Therapist Pauline Boss states that you should NEVER care for a person who has been your abuser in the past.
Arrange to leave as soon as possible.
I've been looking into local government resources to line up any help I can get. Mom isn't yet close to qualifying for Medicaid care but that may be in the cards at some point. And yes my relatives judge b/c spouse and I have some resources, but we also don't have kids ourselves and will need to pay for care, so we can't deplete our resources caring for Mom.
The most important thing: Post here. You're not alone. <3
Edit: Crossposted with Fawnby below. Of course s/he's right. You're an adult with choices. If caregiving is making you too depressed to function, it's probably time to step back. If in the US, contact your local Council on Aging - there are usually other state resources available also.
We don’t have to destroy ourselves to take care of those who tried to destroy us.