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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I hear you loud and clear. Some are in denial and think everything is fine. Some think you are perfectly up to the task and how hard can it be? It's time for a sit-down with all the siblings and only the siblings. That means not the parents and not the in-laws or grandchildren. Get everyone on the same page. Decide whether a nursing home is affordable and when it should come into play.
It is very ideal for all siblings to all care for parents as a team. Unfortunately, usually there is one person doing the job, and the rest do whatever. Sometimes, it's because they live far away. Some have health issues and can't, etc. And some just don't want to.
Instead of being resentful, find a caregiver that can help, so you can have a break and take care of yourself.
Katiekate, Thank you for the reply. I wish I could just not expect anything. How do you get to that point? There are six kids in my family. Three are willing to help and three are refusing to help. I have to travel almost 4 hours each way to go help and the other 5 all live in the same town or nearby. This is costing me financially (now approaching a couple thousand of dollars) to travel and I am probably one of the least able to afford this. I feel that myself and the other 2 siblings are giving up any normalcy that we have in our lives and the other 3 are going on with their lives as usual. Two of my unwilling to help siblings are now on vacation out of state for an extended period of time. I just can't wait till they come back and start telling me what a wonderful time they had! These people are not dumb. They are well aware that their help is needed and wanted, but they come up with every excuse in the book why they can't. I will not abandon my parent that is needing the help, but at the same time, am having a hard time just letting go of the fact that some are perfectly willing to sit and watch the sacrifices others are making and not do anything themselves. Their selfishness is unbelievable!
Although I am not a live-in caregiver, I am one of four and only my sister even makes an attempt to help. She lives hours away but she takes some of the brunt of the phone calls from dad off of me. My two brothers, one who lives right here in town, do nothing. I have no contact with them anymore. I keep my sister posted on what's going on with dad so when he calls her, she knows what's going on with him. The rest of it I've had to let go of. When the state recommended I take guardianship, I did so and no one contested it. I am also his personal representative and executor of his will. My husband and I have had to resign ourselves to the fact that this is how it is. When dad dies, they will all get the same amount of inheritance as me and I will have done all the work. I've learned not to let it bother me because there's nothing I can do about it. However, when the time comes, if there is any fee attached to being executor (not sure in my state), I will take everything the law allows.
Your situation sounds very familiar to mine. I guess I am just having a hard time resigning to the fact that they are willing to stand by and watch others do the work and don't even seem to feel bad about it. They are not the people I thought they were!
There can be many reasons why some help and other do not. Just as you feel an obligation to help your parents out, the others may feel it is up to your parents to arrange for their care. Neither is wrong, just different perspectives.
You do not feel it is unreasonable to travel 4 hours each way to help your folks out. You feel it is ok to be out of pocket to help your parents. Your siblings do not feel that they should have to give up their lives and activities to help the folks. Again neither is wrong, just different points of view.
Do you think your parents should arrange for their own care? Or do you feel it is up to family to provide it? Do your parents insist that they stay in their home? No matter the cost?
It can be very difficult to understand that people can hold opposing views, yet both be correct.
My parents know I will not jeopardize my education to help them. Period, this is an immovable boundary. If I do not complete my degree, I will be in financial difficulty when I am a senior. That is not an option for me, nor will I put any burden for my care on my kids.
By the end of June this year, I will have had 4 months of vacation since Jan 2017. Not including a trip I went on 3 weeks after Dad had a massive stroke, in 2015. My sitting at his bedside, was not going to improve his odds, my trip was paid for and I needed a break.
We are all allowed to decide what we will contribute. It is fortunate that you have half their children helping, many people have no one helping them and not only that, the unhelpful ones offer nothing but criticism and heartache by causing problems.
I am not unsympathetic to your plight, I just know it could be soooooo much worse.
Isthisrealyreal is correct, it could be worse. You are blessed that some of the other children help. I am the youngest of 6 (oldest brother passed) but 4 older than me remaining. Since my parents moved here with DH and I, not a word from 3 of them, even when my Dad passed. 1 calls when I prompt him. But he has no interest on his own. I at first felt a lot of resentment. I still fight it at times. But it seems this is pretty common in the caregiving world. Do not waste your energy stuck in resentment. Let it go. I do not hold a grudge anymore, just accepted this is the way God intended it. Forgive and let go or it will eat you up. I no longer care that they choose not to help, I want nothing from them. What hurts the most is that they have denied their parents of a relationship with them or their children. That is the saddest part of it all. You cannot control their behaviors, just your own.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Instead of being resentful, find a caregiver that can help, so you can have a break and take care of yourself.
by expecting nothing, I was not stressed out about the feeling I was neglected or used.
Only time my my brother was even slightly interested was when he thought he could get money. Better off without em!
Thank you for the reply. I wish I could just not expect anything. How do you get to that point?
There are six kids in my family. Three are willing to help and three are refusing to help. I have to travel almost 4 hours each way to go help and the other 5 all live in the same town or nearby. This is costing me financially (now approaching a couple thousand of dollars) to travel and I am probably one of the least able to afford this. I feel that myself and the other 2 siblings are giving up any normalcy that we have in our lives and the other 3 are going on with their lives as usual. Two of my unwilling to help siblings are now on vacation out of state for an extended period of time. I just can't wait till they come back and start telling me what a wonderful time they had! These people are not dumb. They are well aware that their help is needed and wanted, but they come up with every excuse in the book why they can't. I will not abandon my parent that is needing the help, but at the same time, am having a hard time just letting go of the fact that some are perfectly willing to sit and watch the sacrifices others are making and not do anything themselves. Their selfishness is unbelievable!
You do not feel it is unreasonable to travel 4 hours each way to help your folks out. You feel it is ok to be out of pocket to help your parents. Your siblings do not feel that they should have to give up their lives and activities to help the folks. Again neither is wrong, just different points of view.
Do you think your parents should arrange for their own care? Or do you feel it is up to family to provide it? Do your parents insist that they stay in their home? No matter the cost?
It can be very difficult to understand that people can hold opposing views, yet both be correct.
My parents know I will not jeopardize my education to help them. Period, this is an immovable boundary. If I do not complete my degree, I will be in financial difficulty when I am a senior. That is not an option for me, nor will I put any burden for my care on my kids.
By the end of June this year, I will have had 4 months of vacation since Jan 2017. Not including a trip I went on 3 weeks after Dad had a massive stroke, in 2015. My sitting at his bedside, was not going to improve his odds, my trip was paid for and I needed a break.
I am not unsympathetic to your plight, I just know it could be soooooo much worse.
You are blessed that some of the other children help.
I am the youngest of 6 (oldest brother passed) but 4 older than me remaining.
Since my parents moved here with DH and I, not a word from 3 of them, even when my Dad passed. 1 calls when I prompt him. But he has no interest on his own.
I at first felt a lot of resentment. I still fight it at times. But it seems this is pretty common in the caregiving world.
Do not waste your energy stuck in resentment. Let it go.
I do not hold a grudge anymore, just accepted this is the way God intended it. Forgive and let go or it will eat you up. I no longer care that they choose not to help, I want nothing from them. What hurts the most is that they have denied their parents of a relationship with them or their children. That is the saddest part of it all.
You cannot control their behaviors, just your own.