Hi all, I’m pretty new here.
My 76 year old mother has all of her faculties, and quit a job she loved in late 2018 due to tensions with management. She did not think about her next phase in life, only stating a couple of times with pride that "her kids would never put her in a nursing home." This is ironic, because she worked in an assisted living retirement facility. I prompted her to set up social security and Medicare A and B, which penalizes her monthly stipend (she waited too long to apply- I was in my 20's at the time and didn’t realize they do any of that), so it’s not enough to live on. Though she has several older children, her 3 youngest daughters (we're in our 30's) all pitch in every month to make sure her rent and utilities are paid, groceries, etc. I was the one to initiate asking if we could all do this, as long as we don't unfunded our own futures.
We started the financial help in Dec 2020 so she could move into a downstairs duplex in the same neighborhood as myself and my sister, where she can walk to visit me, or visit with my sister's children, and learn her surroundings. She lives next to my niece's elementary school and across from a historic house where they have a few community parties, and I think overall is safe. She chooses not to participate in the world around her, and it's been years since she's walked to our houses. She will not move again, she tells us. I also can't have her live with me... I couldn't handle it.
No life insurance, doesn’t want to talk about it. Doesn’t mention if she wants to be buried, cremated. Refuses to look at her bank statements (I asked her to add me as joint user because she was not budgeting at ALL).
My issue is, in the past 2 or 3 years she refuses to go anywhere by herself, we have to be attached at the hip, and I can't even drop her off anywhere alone that she likes to be. She has also gotten increasingly negative, says she doesn’t like people, but also states she gets so lonely. Watching nothing but YouTube decorating shows and hallmark movies, that's about all she can do with technology aside from text a bit.
She has a new upstairs neighbor in the duplex who is about my age that wanted to introduce herself and mom refused. I wanted mom to at least know who's living next to her. Since mom doesn't leave her unit, she treats any movement or sound from her new neighbor as an infraction, and reports it to me. It is exhausting. I have her over on Saturday evenings for dinner and a movie, but we had a falling out this week about her behavior, and I am taking a break this Saturday for myself.
I always make sure she has dinner and groceries (my husband runs items to her when I mentally can't handle it) but I do feel bad that she is not socializing when she has the opportunity to.
I will mention that although I am happy to care for her while she ages in place, there is a history of emotional abuse from her growing up. She would tell me I was no help, accuse me of doing drugs and s*x, and ask why I couldn't be like my sisters. Never apologized, and back then, she said she didn’t do anything to me. The current dynamic where she is lashing out and being negative, refusing to go places feels a bit like I'm back in middle school again. I can't handle it.
I'm sorry for the long post, but I would love advice from those trying to live their lives while becoming caregivers to their parents who were abusive or angry at the world and who also refused then and now to prepare for their golden years and final expenses.
Stop going to her house.
Stop paying her bills.
Stop buying her groceries.
Stop taking her abuse.
She thinks she is independent even though you guys are doing all of the work. Stop propping her up, let her fail, then put her in AL.
As for end of life issues, she doesn't have to do anything. The family could do whatever is helpful for everybody to find peace with her passing. Prepaid mortuary services cost less. You can check your county/province/city to see if there is the option to donate her body or tissues as not cost.
learning myself, if you find someway to balance which it seems you have to some degree, as unfortunately I have to reside with mine as she says her drs said she cannot live alone. I honestly don’t have an answer but I can say you’re not alone in this and I and sending prayers for you and mom during this difficult time.
Where are the three oldest children. I'd tell them the 3 youngest are burned out and backing off.
The older ones who aren't participating in her rescue may be doing better by her than the 3 of you. Since you all jumped in to take care of her she did not have to be responsible for herself. I do not think that was/is in her best interest. Left to her own devices she may have had to suffer the consequences of her own actions which may have led her to seek behavioral therapy or at the least a different path for herself. Her passivity and helplessness despite being physically well do not seem to me to be the actions of responsible person who "has all her faculties". Has she always been this dependent? Does she have physical health problems such that she can't manage for herself?
I think you could use some guidance from a mental health professional to sort this out for her and you.
Be careful with saying you are "happy to care for her while she ages in place". If she really can't do for herself is one thing but won't do for herself is different.
Do you want to be doing this possibly 20 years from now? She is becoming way too attached and may eventually refuse to let anyone else do anything for her. It gets harder, not easier. You may become more resentful when you realize how much of your own life you have given up. Especially since you say she has a history of being abusive. I agree with Alva in thinking that she still is. I sincerely wish you all the best.
ok- there comes a point in everyone’s lives when they really must place themselves first
you know what your mothers like so don’t let her unkind words have any effect
your sisters need to help
so you organise time you can physically be there and other times/days they need to make calls to your mother
you have a right to live/life as well
—
unsure how much of yr mothers behaviour is her or down to old age issues - I would say limit your visits if you are receiving abuse
for your own sanity
Can u get a care person to come in
do funds allow - doesn’t matter what your mother wants - this is when you are available so as not to leave her alone you have organised ….
you are taking on too much..
you must set boundaries and protect yourself
you are not soneones punching bag
can you speak to her doctor and find out options to help care for her
try that / speak to your sisters about them making calls/ other suggestions
I’d start with the doctor incase her poor behaviour is health related
good luck - you are a wonderful daughter- don’t ever forget that - even after abuse still willing to help. Feel proud and if after years of abuse you feel you need someone to talk to ask your doctor for counselling
She will not change and she will expect you / family to do everything (as you've outlined). As she requires more support, she will let her wishes known loud and clear.
Do what you need to do.
If you / family feel she needs to be in a nursing home, start the process.
It may feel contrary to every bone in your body, however the risks of not taking this action is BURN OUT for everyone else.
- Expect to feel guilt/y. These transitions are not easy for anyone.
However, the first step is you / family deciding how to manage this situation for the good of the family - and then do it.
Expect she will be mad and worse.
You are not in middle school. You've graduated with a master's degree - meaning you have the ability and skills to do what is necessary.
If you need counseling / therapist, get all the support you need to make needed decisions 'now.' If you do not do this now, it will only be hardly as time moves on - and you/r family will be burnt out - do you not want that to happen - anymore than it already has. THIS IS tough love. It is loving her the best way possible, so she'll get the care she needs, even though it is a given she'll say she doesn't need it / want it.
Gena / Touch Matters
Your mom needs to be placed in a personal care home. She will fight you, so reach out to Elder Care Attorney and Department of Aging.
I personally think the older children need to step up a little. This would help the 3 younger ones with some of the kaous that can develop.
I'm 71 and my mom is 92.
She also doesn't like to socialize by going out to visit people or family, but is quick to complain about being by herself or not seeing grandkids.
We invite her to activities like weddings, showers and B-day dinners but she declines because no one talks to her.
I'm just coming to accept that some of her issues are because of her decisions. We can't solve things we can't control...
Keep trying your best and give kudos to the hubby for helping.
End of the day, it isn't your job to entertain her or fix her problems. Elder depression is a real thing, but its one of the most difficult things to get them to get help for. Hang in there
Your mom needs a mental evaluation. This before you will know how to proceed. You might try calling the Area Agency on Aging and ask if a case manager can come to her home and evaluate the situation.
Read about IADLs and ADLs on this link below. This will help you understand where mom may have a deficient and the social worker with the Area Agency on Aging may be able to help you understand what help is available for her.
From what you posted your mom is already having problems with IADLs.
Very often elders may be suffering with a UTI and it can cause acting out with dementia like symptoms. This can be checked out at an urgent care if she doesn’t have a primary doctor. An antibiotic can make a big difference. UTIs can be toxic.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/activities-of-daily-living-why-this-measure-matters-186853.htm
You cannot afford to orbit around her more and more.
Your own lives and marriages are a priority, which does NOT mean you don't care about your Mother. But if you and your marriages and families get burned out, your Mom will be in a pickle. Her needs will increase with every passing year, then month, then week. Just read some of the other posts under Burn Out on this forum.
Your Mom currently has no PoA. This means none of you siblings have any power to manage her affairs or make decisions in her best interests. But at some point, *someone* needs to have this legal authority. Unless you/someone pursues guardianship through the courts ($$$), then when things get "bad enough" for your Mom in her current home, you call APS and eventually a judge will assign a court-ordered third party legal guardian for her. Then you and everyone else are permanently out of the management and decision-making picture. But you can still carry on your relationship with her, wherever they transition her. Our family's experience with this was a good one and we were grateful for this solution.
It's possible your Mom has depression, or mental health issues or is actually in the beginnings of some type of dementia (and this may be the reason she became unemployed and told you a different version than reality). Or, she may have another health issue going on which may have a treatment.
If you are able to coax her in to see her primary doctor using a therapeutic fib, an accurate diagnosis may be helpful to her and her family. Tell her that to continue getting her Medicare, she needs to go for her free annual wellness check up (which they do offer). Plan to go with her and be in the actual appointment with her the entire time, no matter if she fusses about it. Prior to this visit call her doc's nurse and tell them you are concerned about her mental/cognitive status and to make sure to give her the cog/memory test, and maybe also check her for a UTI. The cog/memory test may be illuminating to you.
I don't think you can do anything about her refusing to assign a PoA other than tell her what eventually happens to people who get older and then don't have one (see above).
Your original question is: "How do you decide when to stop doing as much for an aging parent?"
I think you decide right now because it will take a while to work out the solution for her ongoing and future care.
I wish you success in getting her the appropriate help and care she needs, and having boundaries that protect you and your family (and finances) from burnout.
I cannot be responsible for my mother's happiness and neither can you. You are seeing she has food. If she needed care you could make sure she got it. That's all you can do.
She is also very negative and also never visits me — I always visit her. For holidays or celebrations we do at my house but I go fetch her and take her back again. She very rarely leaves her house and never checks her bank account, which I am on with her. She has “learned helplessness” and she was abused as a child, then had me very young. I never doubted that she loved me, but she did “enmesh” me and unconsciously made me feel responsible for her happiness. Luckily my dad had a good pension that carries over to her so she can afford to live as she does without financial assistance.
She also seems to have very little interest in going anywhere or meeting anyone. She also never EVER goes to the dr. Sometimes I worry but other times I’m like I do enough and can’t get sucked into that.
Setting boundaries can be very hard. But the fact that you know she could never live with you (same here!!) and sometimes you need a mental break— LISTEN to those feelings. Those are boundaries. Set them, keep them. Because she won’t. And maybe can’t.
good luck!!!
Hang in there, my Mom is the same way and it sounds like my Mom was similar to yours when I was growing up, too. I've done a lot of soul searching these past 2 1/2 years since she has lived next to us and I've been helping to care for her needs. I offered to build my Mom a house (literally build it with my own two hands, along with my boyfriend). And I have felt nothing but bitterness from her since we did that for her.
Her ungrateful attitude brought back many memories from my upbringing.
My Mom always sees the worst in people and has always been negative and pessimistic toward us kids as she raised us.
How do you deal with those feelings while still trying to be kind and loving towards her?
Thats the million-dollar question, isn't it. For me, having strong faith in GOD has gotten me through these times. I hope you can use that strength to help you. Also, I am finding out that silently putting my foot down and taking that quality time for myself helps a lot. Telling myself to NOT feel guilty for putting my own mental, emotional, and physical needs first. Otherwise, I can't do any good for anyone.
Please remember...your parents' resentments, bitterness, and unforgiving nature is their baggage to carry, not yours. I've tried fixing my Mom and discovered that at 86 years old (with her attitude), she can't be fixed. Sad, but true. It's between her and GOD now.
You tell us that you have a history of being abused by your mother. I am not certain if you realize she's still doing it, and never stopped. She has been negligent in thinking she could survive on Social Security, and now, when you and your siblings SHOULD be saving for your own elder years (SS isn't meant to and cannot provide adequately for anyone EVER) you are instead giving money to this woman who was irresponsible in her own choices. Who will give you money when you are in need?
You believe that you are helping your mother with all her needs despite an ungrateful attitude on her part, but in all truth you MAY be harming her. You are encouraging her dependence and enabling her not moving out into the world.
This simple Forum cannot go into what has occurred to create this situation over a lifetime, Eclectic, but we can tell you that a GOOD psychologist (none of that online nonsense) can help guide you on different paths of thinking that aren't self-harming and habitual.
We CAN wish you the very best of luck.
I know you see what life is around yourself. You must know that pouring your own income into your parent, and feeling responsible for her since she was 70, isn't the norm. It isn't sustainable generation to generation. Do get some help and SAVE yourself.
NOW I must know how you chose your name! The Pothos are a variety I much love, and they seek to turn my normally spare space home into a jungle.
You and your sisters help financially but can you do that forever, even as costs increase for you and for her? You mention your husband drops groceries when you can't emotionally do it. How can you keep this up for 20 more years? Set your limits NOW. Everytime she claims you would never put her in a nursing home she's trying to manipulate you. Don't let her do that.
Get to an elder attorney and discuss the paperwork needed for Power of Attorney, Medical Power of Attorney, etc. and then take her to get all of the paperwork issues established and signed so that you and your sisters and other children can legally do things when the time comes. Have a discussion with your mother about what you will and won't be able to do for her. She will cry, yell, etc. Ignore all that. Just get your groundrules established. Let her know that you will NOT be joined at hip and that you are NOT responsible for her happiness. I finally told my dad that the only thing I could promise is that he would not be hungry as I'd arrange for food to be delivered to him and that I'd assure he got to doctor's appointments - basic health and safety and nothing more. Luckily he had sufficient money to cover his expenses but you need to let her know that at some point you won't be able to do that and she'll need to have a different plan. Ignore her comments about the neighbors and don't worry about her lack of socialization. Not your problem. She's a competent adult and can handle those issues on her own. Don't accommodate her bad behavior and her learned helplessness.
I learned the hard way that trying to be nice and accommodating to my father was a very bad path as he came to expect and needed more and more but all I was doing was prolonging the situation as it was never going to get better, only worse. You need to be clear in YOUR mind what your limits are and enforce them, now.
I put " " around helping because you are not really helping. You are allowing her to think she is living independently and she isn't. You will read the term "Propping her up" and that is what you are doing.
Who is her POA if something happened to her? Are you legally able to make medical and or financial decisions?
If you stopped bringing her groceries what would she do?
Is she taking care of herself and of her home?
Is he getting herself to dr. appointments?
Does she have any medical issues or a diagnosis of dementia?
STOP helping her, let her muddle through on her own for a bit. If you do check in on her in 2, 3 weeks if you think that she is unable to care for herself you can report her to APS for self neglect. YOU are not responsible for her unless you are POA or her Guardian.
You are not responsible for her financial problems.
You are not responsible for her social life, or lack there of.
And if you are not I urge you to resist that. I am a firm believer that an abused person should not care for their abuser. If no other family member wants to be POA or Guardian the court will appoint a Guardian.
You could take her to your local Senior Service Agency or Area Agency on Aging and see if there are any services she may qualify for.
You could also check to see if she may have a pension form the company she worked for. (slim chance but gotta try everything)
And if your dad or she is a Veteran she may qualify for benefits through the VA. If either are Veterans contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission or your State's Department of Veterans Affairs.
If she needs money she can apply for Medicaid. As long as you and your siblings continue to prop her up she'll never change.
You say that your mother has all her faculties, but I would beg to differ. Anyone that doesn't want to leave their home, meet their neighbor, or go anywhere by herself, obviously has some issues, that you perhaps are ignoring or in denial about.
And to answer your question, when do you stop doing as much for a parent, the answer is quite simple....you stop it when you feel like it and when it's starting to affect your mental health which it sounds like you're already there.
It's not your fault that your mother didn't plan for her future, that is on her and like I said, she may just have to suck it up and apply for Medicaid. As long as you and your siblings continue to enable her nothing will change. So stop already!
If/when you need to back away then do .
Unfortunately many of us reached the end of our rope at some point with a difficult , stubborn parent.
Whether it be dementia , depression , or some other mental illness , not all can be helped , especially if they won’t even go to the doctor for these type of issues .
Short term you can back off , limit your time with her . Have groceries etc delivered . You don’t have to be her entertainment . If she chooses to be a shut in , so be it . You are not responsible for her happiness .
Long term , do not take on POA for your mother . At some point when you feel she can no longer live alone you can get social workers involved from your local County Area Agency of Aging .