So I feel like a crybaby. I protested quite loudly beforehand but here I am -- primary caregiver to my husband's mother (she is bipolar and has dementia). In the 29 years we've been married, I met her 6 times before we brought her to our state. She went to assisted living for about 16 months. That was fine in the beginning but her needs increased and her income did not. We brought her to live with us at the end of January. I have caregivers 4 hours a day Monday through Saturday. The rest of the time, she is our responsibility. My husband works full-time and I notice that he's coming home later and later during the week. On the weekends, my husband has been good about placing her in a chair near wherever he's working. It still is SUCH a huge responsibility -- cooking, cleaning, shopping, showering, bringing her water, helping her up/down stairs, appointments, paperwork, filling prescriptions, dolling out meds, listening to her "stories" (she's currently focused on Paul McCartney -- apparently, they're getting married). Everything. Everything. What does she do for herself? Well -- sometimes in the middle of the night she'll change her clothes. Anyway -- I'm just so disappointed in how I feel about being in this situation. I don't even know the woman. She has four children, including a DAUGHTER. We're all in our 50's - 60's. I just don't know how to accept this. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to disappear. But I feel like such a brat for feeling this way.
Tell him you’re done and can no longer give up your life to care for her. It’s not 1953. You are an equal partner in this marriage...or you should be. Start researching memory care facilities for her. Apply for Medicaid. Stand your ground. There are no “deals” like him promising he will help more. She needs to be in a place where everyone is on board with her care.
Did you actually agreed to do this or was it assumed you would?
Tells hubby dear you are done, and mean it. Either he moves elsewhere with mother dear or you will. Call the Area Agency on Aging for an assessment of MIL needs and hubby has to be there. Maybe hearing from someone else what she needs will help him to understand. What other resources will the AAA have as ideas for you?
Why wasn't Medicaid applied for before she was moved to your home? Is she eligible for Medicaid? No gifting of assets or money in the past five years to anyone? Was FIL a member f the armed forces? That may be another way to get MIL into a facility.
Next hospitalization of MIL, REFUSE to bring her home stating she needs more care than you can provide.
Sons are perfectly capable of being caregivers,not just daughters.
Find a caregiver support group. AAA can assist you. Start facility shopping. Did the former facility accept Medicaid? They may have a relationship with a facility that does. Check into care homes, smaller, lower caregiver resident ratio, many times less costly as many times are privately owned.
Ask him if HE'D like YOUR mom to move in and he can care for her? And you go back to work.
Guarantee you'll see such a deer in the headlights!!
My DH once said "we need to bring my mom here to care for her" I said, "who's we? You got a mouse in your pocket b/c if you bring your mother here I will be GONE in a hot minute. Why don't you just go live with her?"
He felt it was 'in my nature' to CG for all and sundry.
I don't even do CG for my own mother. And he has not seen not spoken to my mom for 5 years, if not longer.
I DID do in home CG for his father the last 6 months of his life, but I would NOT bring him to the house. I went to his place. It was BRUTAL, but having him here would have been worse.
You got sideswiped into doing this--and you need to get out of it, ASAP. Make sure DH has all the chores on the w/e and you leave. It won't last long before he's finding alternate care for her.
Protect the house? Sell it so MIL gets the care she needs. Why the hesitation? An inheritance that will be shared between hubs and four sibs that are doing nothing to help? Really?
Medicaid will pay for memory care. Talking with the Area Agency on Aging, in the Pikes Peak Area Council of Governments will be a tremendous help to you.
http://www.ppacg.org/aging/
You are not alone in this. Caregivers give advice from personal experiences to help you.
Now is not the time to slip into denial that this is a serious issue, needing to be addressed. You will be okay, but please consider carefully each complaint you have expressed. All is valid.
You are not a cry baby, and not a brat.
You said:
"I needed validation. I want to give the siblings a BIG piece of my mind. They are all scattered throughout the country. But still. How about forking over some money for additional caregivers? I may get to the point of insisting my husband ask them for financial support for their mother. It's the least they can do."
Please do not waste your time on correcting the siblings. You will be surprised on what they come up with. I tried this, and they became hostile, saying: "What would you have us do, we won't give money, haven't seen her in 20 years for a reason, and we are
far away." This is also NOT a daughter-in-law's role.
Then, you have said:
"My husband works full-time and I notice that he's coming home later and later during the week."
That is not how your best friend should be coping with this issue.
If anything, that should be addressed and confronted, imo.
You and your husband are in this together, like you said, best friends. Still, you should not be taking on this caregiving against your will.
I hear you, and think that your feelings are very well expressed.
A care plan was put in place. It is not working for ALL of you. It's working for MIL, working for the siblings & even working for your DH. But NOT working for you.
You can speak your mind, rant at the siblings, ask for money for care, ask for help. My guess is silence is all you will hear. Maybe even from DH too.
So you have to decide. Will you continue & learn to accept this (for now)? Or do you feel strongly enough to change it?
You will need support, advice and ACTION to get a plan whether now or in the future.
People here have lived this & hopefully have the advice you need for change if that is the path you choose.
It WILL have to be YOU that changes this situation - the others will not.
NO YOU ARE NOT A CRYBABY! NOR ARE YOU A BRAT!
You are totally justified to have all of the feelings that you have, all of them!
Call Council on Aging in your area. Get advice from them as well as your mother in law’s doctor’s help in dealing with this. Ask for a referral to a social worker to help plan for her future.
This situation will take over every aspect of your life and it isn’t fair to anyone. She needs full time care. You and your husband need your lives back.
Collect all the information needed to place her in a nursing home paid for by Medicaid. Present it to your husband.
Your husband should be handling this. It’s his mom but since he hasn’t, so you have no other choice but to do it yourself which may be better because you know it will be done correctly and his emotions won’t sway him from having her placed.
Then tell him that you love him and want your lives to resume as it was before she moved in. Tell him that you did your part by caring for her as long as you could and that you took care of all the preparation needed to have her placed in a facility where she will receive proper care.
Tell him that he can visit her as often as he wishes without either of you having the responsibility of any hands on caregiving. He can oversee her care and be her advocate while she is in the nursing home.
Best wishes to you and your family.
My friend did that to her sister... Sis called, and said, I am RETIRED !!
Awesome news !! Sister, now it's your turn to take care of mom... :)) happy happy joy joy
Failing that, divorce.
Use money from divorce to something extravagent for yourself.
You brother/sister in laws are not obligated to care for her or spend their hard earned money paying for care for her. That is totally on your MIL. There are always choices. Your husband made a choice...he took his mother in then left you to deal with her. I understand why you are angry. I still stand by you planning a little trip for yourself and let your husband take over your day to day life. My father used to use my mother and myself as a buffer for when his mother visited. Then he had to spend the weekend alone with her. He came home looking like he had done a tour of duty in Vietnam. He asked when she had gotten so bad....we explained she had always been like that but he used us as buffers. He had no idea.
Take another step in your thinking and realize it's never a daughter's responsibility rather than a son's. Don't focus on what you think your SIL should be doing, but rather focus on what YOU WILL NOT DO ANY LONGER.
As has already been pointed out, the current situation suits everyone but YOU. You have choices. Besides being thrilled that they aren't taking care of MIL, I'm sure the sibs won't like it if the house in WI has to be sold to pay for MIL's care, but that is beside the point. This is wrong for YOU. YOU did not agree to this (or did you?).
I really like the idea of taking off and making your H deal with his mother for a few days...a week....do it! And check out the available resources.
Here's the thing, though. So many times on this board people get the wise advice of posters here, and are then unable to follow through. I'd suggest deciding now which camp you will be in -- the ones who read everything but then decide they just can't take the necessary steps for whatever reason, and then the much smaller camp of strong folks who actually take the advice and make the changes to improve their situation.
Which camp will you be in?
When you go to California I think that you should enjoy an extended stay. Most of us have some kind of health condition and after uncle's funeral my condition would cause me to be unable to return for about another week or so (wink 😉). Let hubby find a caregiver for HIS mother during that time or do it himself. This just may open his eyes, because he will have to deal with his mother's day to day care. Even if you and your husband had a fabulous relationship before you are the one left holding the bag right now. Sometimes it is better to speak less and show folk your struggles (ie. caring for his mother all day without much assistance). I wish you well.
Seriously you can't have it all, she has assets, use them to make your life easier. Hiding her house for future generations so taxpayers can pay her way is so messed up. Before we know it there will be no government aid because of situations like this.
I'm all for being charitable but not when it's thrown at you and especially when it shouldn't be your job to begin with.
It may be a new situation for you, voicing your opinions & standing up for yourself against his family? Having a support person with you could be very useful.
If you attend a church, ask who could assist in this way. If not, I'd go see your own Doctor, discuss the situation & ask for recommendation for a Social Worker.
Another idea may be to have your DH attend a Doctor appoint with MIL's Doctor & you to open up the discussion there: that you cannot continue. This hands the responsibility to your husband with a witness so things don't get as heated (hopefully).
Standing up for yourself is hard - but very worth it.