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My mother has complete tunnel vision and cannot seem to accept that my sister and I have responsibilities besides her that we must take care of. She gets very demanding and expects to be taken to see our dad who is permanently in a nursing home daily at the exact same time every day. We've tried explaining to her we have Dr appointments or whatever we have to do and she'll say she's going to walk. Well we know she'd get lost, hence the guilt. She is a full time job and it's exhausting and quite honestly I'm tired of doing it. I'm disabled myself and we have a brother that isn't that involved as he should be. Both me and my sister are fed up. We know dementia is a horrible, progressive disease, but isn't there something, medications or help we haven't thought about? She doesn't have money or good medicare so we feel stuck. Advice is very much appreciated. 🙂

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Maybe time to place Mom with Dad. See if its possible for them to share a room. Most if her needs will be met. Put her on Medicaid. If she owns the house, sell it to pay for her care and Dads.

Mom can no longer be reasoned with. She has lost that ability. She is also now self-centered. Both come with Dementia.

Your mention Medicare not being good. Unless on a Medicare advantage, Medicare is the same for everyone. The provider bills, Medicare determines whats reasonable and pays 80% leaving a total of 20% usually picked up by the secondary insurance. Medicare Advantages are suppose to cover what Medicare covers A,B and D. They take place of the suppliment.
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Dads doctors took him for an appointment.
The no shut down because of covid.
Make up whatever therapeutic fib.
in real life start her Medicaid paperwork now to place her in the same snf he’s at.
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Have you thought about placing mom with dad?
It is possible that at this point mom would be better, safer in either Memory Care or if she qualifies with dad in Skilled Nursing with dad. (I am guessing this is what you mean when you say dad in in a "nursing home")
There are medications for anxiety and that may help mom.
Would mom do well in Adult Day Care? Many will pick up in the morning and drop off at the end of the day. It will give her something to do, socialize with others, typically a light breakfast, lunch and snack are served.
The other option is to hire (mom/dad pay) caregivers that will come in and care for mom while you do what you have to do during the day. It can be as many days a week as you need for as many hours as you need. I typically had caregivers in from about 9AM until 4PM.
Day Care and then Caregivers saved my sanity
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Where is your mom? Is she at home with you? If there are no options for care (like in home care, or outside care) I would try to find something calming she likes — a piece of music, a favorite movie — and make a routine of putting that on when you need a break. Like, "I'm going to put on your favorite movie, mom! And I'll talk to you later!" (Upbeat works very well, better than the other side — though I know how it feels to be pushed to be firm). But if she has tunnel vision, maybe you can use that to your advantage? Focus on aspects of her routine that give you a break.
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Wittsend Apr 2022
Ty for the reply. I wish it were that easy. She has 2 things she will watch, the news and the Magnolia station. If we leave her alone for five minutes she falls asleep then is up into the night puttering around and we know mom could get hurt so we try not to let her sleep to long during the day. She literally lives to go see our dad. They've been married for 61 years so I kinda get it, but it's so overwhelming. Thanks so much for letting me express this out loud in a safe place. I hope to learn a lot here. 🙂
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