Follow
Share

Let me preface the situation by saying I live VERY far away and can't control the situation. I'm also an only child and have offered as much help as I can afford and she will accept. I have power of attorney but Mom threatens to take it away if I do something against her wishes... Having said that... She's been told to stop driving by her doctor. She complains of her vision and dizzy spells, her reflexes are extremely slow. I've taken the keys, she made a new set. I have offered to pay Lyfts and practiced doing it with her and she will use the service sometimes to appointments... When she does drive it's not far but she does and to make matters worse, I just found out she hasn't registered the car in over a year and a half. (It's no longer possible to register it online because its so past due, there's a huge fine and if she's caught driving it, a felony in Florida.) When I tell her this, she says I'm exaggerating and "it's all politics" "They are trying to scare you." She's also ending up in the ER 2x a month for anxiety and she has a co pay of 250$ for each ambulance visit. The sale of the car would help finance this and the Lyfts but she won't let me do it. I'm allowed to pay for everything but I'm not allowed to have help to do it. Her license is going to expire in January of 2023, but I'm guessing since the registration doesn't matter to her the license expiring won't either. To begin with, I've been scared she's going to hurt someone but now its also a financial thing. I know she's scared and alone but I cannot keep this up. The car could also help to pay for some more care for her.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Did you ever find out anything about getting your mother veteran benefits through your father's service? In another post you described your mother's ADL capabilities, and also stated that she is against AL.

You write that you help her pay for things. Why? Are you going to finance 24/7/365 help if/when it comes to that? Pay for a lawyer for her if she ends up injuring or killing someone or gets a felony conviction (long-expired registration) while she continues to drive?

What are your mother's finances? Do you have POA/HCPOA? Is she deemed to be mentally competent? I'm guessing yes. What would happen if you stopped enabling her?

What is your mother's financial situation
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
innjup50 Oct 2022
The vet assistance she is eligible for , she can only get for care expenses which she doesn't really have at the moment. The next time Im over Ill try to get some in home care set up again and then I can apply again. But I get the feeling the only kid of care she wants is me to move back after 20 years....which is not happening. You are right though Im enabling... I know .. If I don't pay for the Lyfts then she will drive the car more...she's already done it to spite me. I have POA ..but she has already changed it once to to someone we dont know well because I pushed to hard and then realised it was mistake and changed it back. From what I understand mentally competent in Florida is "Do you know who you are and where you live?". So, Yes. and as far as the primary doctor says, its only Mild cognitive.... she's a very good actress though and refuses to go to follow up neuro appointments. Im trying to balance and have boundaries which she hates...but this car thing is really getting out of hand. Last week she said I could sell it. I organised someone to do it ...now again its no but by the way I need you to pay the Lyft. Im not ready to cut her off completely .... I want to help as much as I can but Im not gonna go under financially. She has just enough to live on but I pay any extras, property taxes, house insurance, phone , long term care insurance, home repairs/ appliances , cleaning service , bank overdrafts because she went grocery shopping too many times , and extra medical expenses not covered by medicare , for example eye surgery....pretty much anything extra. Im not sure what I would do if she does get a felony conviction. I know i have to make some difficult choices... I guess I was just hoping someone had a secret remedy in dealing with the driving issue.
(2)
Report
Get her Doctor to write a letter to her and the DMV That she is not allowed to drive and sell her car .
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

So in fact, what you need right now is a professional OBJECTIVE ASSESSMENT from a geriatric specialist in psychiatry or neuropsychiatric medicine, that she is unable to drive safely and/or manage the legal and appropriate use of her car.

I’d contact the lawyer who drafted her POA and get his input.

In our situation, my LO’s “anxiety” (severe) was the result of her intense and unsuccessful desire to keep her cognitive loss a secret. Once we had a professional diagnosis, everything began to fall into place on her behalf.

Her desire to threaten you with the POA seems like it may be evidence of her desire to maintain control while suffering a reduction of her ability to think rationally.

Whether that’s the case or not, that’s something you have to consider.

Sometimes the early stages of getting a diagnosis are the hardest part of care.
Do your research and always put her safety first. Good Luck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
innjup50 Oct 2022
She definitely tries to hide it. Some days she gets really scared and admits she's afraid of her memory loss ...other days she insists she is just fine and is even "going to get a job to help with finances" ( insert eye rolling emoji). Ill try to talk to the lawyer. Thanks again.
(3)
Report
I feel so strongly for u. It's always a matter of how much future guilt we can stand and helping. And ur an only child beside. Ouch!
This is state laws... Doesn't do much for u. In WI doc not required to report to DMV... Any driver can report an unsafe driver.. then I know DMV will require a written test to be passed a road test to keep dl. Dad driving ok yeti don't think he could pass the written test. so it won't ever get to a road test.

But when time comes he will h like ur mother an refuse to give up.
When he was recovering from sepsis. I had a friend with automotive knowledge take the fuel pump relay out so the car wouldn't start. Then I had to call his mechanic tell him why it wouldn't start. Because he would have figured it out in a minute.. his mechanic had to be in the game too. Mechanic kept saying he was too busy to fix... But that wi and a child living close.

I think you need to report to DMV police and they will impound the car for expired registration...tell them also that doc says no drive she is not given option to pay fee.

My action will be to just report to DMV and let them deal with it....

God grant me the serenity to do the things I can. Accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
innjup50 Oct 2022
Thanks. I repeat that almost hourly lately. in 2 months is my next visit....at the latest it will be sold then.
Ill try to get the doctor to write that note. They told her but her answer a week later is they never said that. So in writing might help ...Thanks again.
(2)
Report
I live in MN. My LOs live in FL. When it was apparent that the driver (only 1 of them had a license, the other was her co-pilot due to the drivers bad vision) was definitely a danger on the road and unwilling to admit or surrender her license, I went online to the FL DMV and anonymously filed a complaint. I had a pic of her license, and made a long case of why she is a danger on the road to herself and OTHERS.

The DMV sent her snail mail directing her to come in for a retest. My silly cousin drove her for this test. She couldn't pass the eye test, and it was apparent that she had dementia when the staff was talking to her. Her license was revoked. Then my other cousin took over control of the car to remove it physically so she couldn't access it.

You have the benefit of having a doctor's "order" to stop driving. Scan it and send that to the DMV too. Also, try calling the local police to explain that her car is unregistered and she is unfit and that you're in the process of getting her off the streets. Maybe they can do something at their end. Or a neighbor, or relative who lives closer.

My very elderly uncle should have had his license and car removed by his cowardly children and then one day he drove right through a red light and was t-boned on the passenger side, killing his wife and dog, and injuring the other people who hit him.

I'm also an only child and have 3 elders for whom I'm a DPoA. I recommend that you start lining up rides for her on a regular basis. Start by asking neighbors or anyone local to her that you trust. Reward them discretely by sending them gift cards. Have her groceries delivered by InstCart. Send her necessities through Amazon Prime.

Then, as her PoA sell her car and cancel the insurance. It's can't be cheap at her age. You may want to consider having her mail redirected to your home. Doesn't sound like she can even pay bills or has a grasp of finances. IMHO you should move your trip up to go there sooner.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Cover999 Oct 2022
Funny you mention MN. I'm still amazed of the driver there who drove on the wrong side of the road and the later diagnosis was a medical condition.
(0)
Report
innjup50, it's tough trying to take away driving privileges from anyone, be it an elder or a young adult... it's like taking away their freedom. They are the master of excuses.

When my Dad stopped driving and I was now the designated driver for my parents, my folks kept forgetting I was still fully employed. They were just so use to leaving the house 3-4 times a day back when Dad could still drive. Mom wouldn't ride with strangers, so taxis were out.

Dad had a brilliant idea. He would have Mom drive. Since my Mom [96] was now legally blind, Dad said he could tell her when to stop, when to turn, etc. I had to remind Dad that Mom was also now deaf. Oh.

They kept the car in case of emergencies. It wasn't easy reminding them that they could call 911 in case of an emergencies, fire and recuse also have vehicles.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Fawnby Oct 2022
OMG. That’s all I have to say about that except that I live in a retirement community and maybe they’re my neighbors. There are many many people here whose driving days should be over and they keep having accidents. Can’t see can’t hear can’t see over the steering wheel.
(3)
Report
See 2 more replies
Do you not have any family near Mom who can take over POA? You are really too far away to handle Moms daily care. And what are you going to do as her Dementia worsens? And how much is this car worth that you feel the proceeds will offset the costs of some services and care too.

I would make an appt now with a Neurologist in Moms area so its set up when u visit. It can take a couple of months to get in. You need a formal diagnosis. Moms Neurologist sat down in front of her, looked her in the eye and told her, "you cannot drive anymore" and why. We put the car up for sale, out of sight out of mind.

Its your POA immediate or do you need a Doctor/s saying Mom is no longer able to make informed decisions? Those suffering from Dementia, in early stages, can "showtime". Meaning the get get up enough energy to seem normal.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
innjup50 Oct 2022
This has been going on for a while. We had many people set up she pushed them away. I did what you said last visit about the neurologist. I dragged her there. She passed the test with mild cognitive and the neurologist said she was actually surprised she passed.. Wanted follow up appointments but mom wont go and no one will get her to go. She moved into assisted living and out by sunset over a year ago because no one was going to "manage her". No there is no family to deal with it. I am aware of the difficulty. Selling the car is a bandaid for the moment but a needed bandaid and also for safety reasons necessary. Apparently the doctor can only officially suggest not driving because officially her vision is not legally blind yet.
(1)
Report
This makes no sense, she doesn't drive far but still drives, but doesn't want to give up driving? There is something wrong with her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Patathome01 Nov 2022
Her mother needs to find out what her doctor says.
(0)
Report
This is a question for the DMV in your area. If your Mom is in her right mind there is little you can do, to be frank, as the right to break the law is a right we all have. The consequences would be dire and they would be dire for her and perhaps for innocents on the street. I am assuming you have explained this to Mom. My own brother was diagnosed with his Lewy's Dementia after he was in an accident that was devastating to him, but not to others. It spelled the end of his freedom to act on his own on that day. Like you I didn't live there.
Is Mom living independently?
I would report her to the DMV myself. Were she mentally disabled I perhaps would physically see to it that the car is not in running condition by having a mechanic disable it with my POA. But you are correct that as long as your Mom is able to give and take away the POA, and as long as she is not considered mentally incompetent, you don't have legally the power to remove or disable the car and she does have the power to drive it illegally.
I was POA and Trustee for my brother. I have to tell you I would not act as same for anyone who acted as your mother is acting. The state could take on that duty as they do for anyone without family. It is a onerous job, and one that is daunting as to learning curve, and to do it for someone who isn't organized and agreeable? I cannot imagine. And I wouldn't do it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This is one situation where I feel that 'boots on the ground' is the only way to facilitate a change.

If this were simply your mom refusing to take her meds, or not being able to manage money--something that DOES NOT affect others....I'd say my bit and let it go.

35 years ago we had just bought a brand new van. My FIRST and only brand new car. It was big and wonderful and on our maiden voyage as a family, an elderly man ran a stop sign right in front of us and my DH t-boned this guy. We were super fortunate in that the roads were wet and instead of slamming in to him--we spun his care around in circles. He had 4 very elderly passengers in the car. To this day I remember my DH yelling 'hang on, I am going to hit this guy!"

It was only through the grace of God that no one in either car was killed or much more than a little banged up. My kids were absolutely TERRIFIED and that just made it so they never, ever rode or ride in cars w/o seatbelts.

Driving is a PRIVILEGE not a RIGHT. How would your mom felt if she hit someone? And it sounds like that's already happened.

Her car is un-registered, probably uninsured and she's a danger on the road.

I would go to where she is, talk to her and if she's not agreable to selling the car, I'd call the police and give them all her info and let them know she's out there. That may seem mean and all--but could YOU live with the guilt that would come if you do nothing and she causes a terrible accident? You could also disable the car to the point it could not be driven. BUT she may still have it towed to a shop and 're-abled'. The car really NEEDS to be gone.

You can, if you are with her, set her up for Uber or Lyft and have her take a couple of 'trips' using the APP and teach her how easy it is.

This isn't a situation that 'annoying' it's your duty as a caring person to protect the world from a bad driver.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Patathome01 Nov 2022
Bad driver is in this situation is also called a very dangerous risky driver. Hope no disaster happens.
(0)
Report
I went through this in 2021. My 94 y/o father has age related macular degeneration and really had no business being behind the wheel but he was still driving. His license was up for renewal in 2021 and he needed the approval of his ophthalmologist to be able to renew his license. I really thought he’d be hanging up the car keys with that. I was furious that his doctor allowed him to drive during specific hours of the day. My parents live in NYC and there is never a time when there is less traffic on the road. It’s stressful to drive there not matter your age.

One day I asked to borrow the car so I could take my 94 y/o mom for a pedicure 3 blocks away. He refused to allow me to drive the car and insisted that he’d take us. I told him there was no way in hell that I’d get in a car with him anymore and we would take a cab which we did.

I spoke to my sister about this and she said her daughter needed a second car. So we decided to have her ask my dad if she could buy it. We then encouraged dad to give it to her so that he could feel good that he helped her out.

it was a win for all concerned.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Today, many people can go by remote service. Try to get her to a social worker or other professional to back you up. What about a report from her doctor?? This is a very tough situation for the two of you with a potentially dangerous folly. Does your mom have anyone else like her own relatives or friends to disable her car? The last resort is to get her to professional driving instructor for evaluation. Look, if the police stop her, her car will likely be impounded. Should an accident occur, her liability insurance is invalid, if still unexpired, like her soon to be expired driver license, she may even be jailed for breaking the law. An accident may have the other party to sue for everything your mother owns, including what the two of you share. And do not pay her bills.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You can call the DMV in her state and report her issues. They can call her in for a driving test like they do for many seniors. She may suspect you are behind it though and make more problems.

She needs to get off the road before she kills someone. Ask her primary if they will call the DMV.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

The struggle is real.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This struggle is very tough to break but tough love action to take. Risky driving can be reckless or accidental, such as with a driver's medical condition. Best to see the lawyer who signed you up with POA, making your Mom pay her own bills and taking responsibility for herself. Safety is about her and others on the road.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Do a Google search with search term of "driver assessment for seniors near" and fill in her city name. In our area providers range from private businesses to rehab centers that can assess seniors even if they have not had a previous association with the rehab center. I'm wrestling with my father in a scarily similar situation right now. At her next doctors appointment ask them to say she is required to be assessed before she gets behind the wheel again. I told my dad if he caused an accident and was sued he could lose all he has saved over the years. That slowed him down but hasn't stopped him. His solution was to order another GPS unit (plug in to the cigarette lighter type from honest to heaven 2007) with a screen he can't see and volume he can't hear so he can program one unit to get somewhere and have one unit to get back home. THAT makes perfect sense.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Call her doctor and DMV and explain everything. Stop enabling. You think it is hard now, wait til she kills somebody and there’s a lawsuit. Sorry to be tough but she’s not based in the reality of her situation.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Patathome01 Nov 2022
Also contact the local police to impound Mom's car to force her to stop driving..so sorry.
(0)
Report
A mess for sure. I had elderly neighbors who disappeared for two days when his wife "picked him up" from the hospital. She wasn't supposed to drive, the keys were "hidden". Never did reconstruct where they were in the state of CT before the police found them. (The police put him in an ambulance and told her to follow. You know what happened.) Another friend notified her father's insurance company who stopped the insurance. He was a pain but not ready to lose all his money in an accident. He stopped driving; they didn't reveal her role. I would call the lawyer who handled things and ask him for advice. Make clear how desperately worried you are. I would also call the police department, the DMV, and her area's state and local aging departments. They have had this problem before, for sure. We have a big car theft problem in our area. Very scary. However, do you want POA for a woman whose judgment is so poor, without guardianship. I don't know what your responsibilities or liabilities are, but I sure would find out from a lawyer. Believe me, if anything happens, people will be more critical of you than your mother is. And, in spite of her threats, I suspect your Mom wants and needs you in that role or a similar one, in spite of her irritating behavior. Maybe time to go out and sit down with the lawyer and talk a little turkey. I would suspect she has always been somewhat difficult and manipulative. As we age, our difficult qualities become more exaggerated in response to the stress.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My mom lost her wallet ( found months later in the very back if a drawer) we used that as she couldn’t drive without her DL so she had to wait for me to take her to the dmv. (I also live different state). I was lucky her friends agreed she shouldn’t be driving so no one took her to dmv. Mom is a big rule follower so this worked for us. When we went to the dmv I got her a state ID a instead of a DL. She didn’t say a word when I was talking to the girl she lost her wallet and that we needed a real ID instead of a DL. Once she got it in The mail and saw what it was she asked and we just said that state didn’t think she should drive any more and sent her this. Months later convinced her to sell t he car.

don’t think she realized real ID as different than a DL when at the dmv as we even talked if she needed real ID as opposed to just reissue. As my sil got the mail the day it came she played along pointing out it was a ID not DL
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I’m in the same boat. Dad with Alzheimer’s 3000 miles away from me. In CA when you get any dementia diagnosis the doctor has to report you to the DMV and the DMV suspends your license. He hasn’t has a drivers license for months now but he still drives. He says he’s fine and won’t stop. In order to keep him out of his car I would have to live with him 24/7. I can’t do that. He’s totally fine letting his girlfriend drive when she is there a few days a week. It’s the two or three days he’s there alone that is the problem. We tried hiding the keys, he just went out and bought a new car. We disabled that car. He had it towed and fixed.

You are not alone in this struggle. His neurologist said it’s the number one issue for most caregivers with the moderate stage of dementia. The car is freedom and independence. People are very resistant to give that up. But in NYC you don’t even need a car! I live in the city too. Haven’t owned a car since I left CA 30 years ago.

I also have POA for my father, but your POA doesn’t necessarily give you the power to take over every aspect of their life. For that you need conservatorship or guardianship. I have wrested my father’s financial life away from him without him knowing I’ve even done it using my POA. But I can’t use it to keep him out of his car.

The first thing I did once I had the diagnosis letter was to call his attorney to tell him so he knew what was going on. He said now that he knows he would not allow my father to make any changes to his trust should he come in and try to alter it.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
baileyif Nov 2022
Re to doctor has to report to DMV... That is be state determined so u in must preference ur comment with in my my state... Or we look at the state DMV laws in on elderly driver they may help.....

Fyi in my state of ei the doctor is not required to report to DMV... But anyone can report an unsafe driver.... The DMV will send a form to surrender ur driver's license within 30 days. Or get a doc signature that u can drive . The doc must have done a physical exam with the last 30 days and be licensed in the state of wi.
Once the doc signs the form, the individual must pass the written test to keep license if they pass that the must pass an one road driving test with DMV. If they pass that they can keep their license for 3 more years. 2 years of over 60. Then after 2, 3 years they receive another form the dmv has to sign or they must surrender their license.... Fyi caus I have multiple sclrrosis and was in a relapse.. I wasn't driving but my license had to v renewed.. Ms is relapse remission disease so I was totally capable of driving when in remission.
They were sending me forms to have the doctor sign every 6 months so I would have to see her Evert 6 months... The meds reduced relapsed.. but I had to have an appointment I didn't need every 6 months to keep my driver's license.. she got so frustrated she wrote a letter to DMV that she would notify them when I can no longer drive...

So I have been thru this for wi.
The doc is not required to notify the DMV. .the doc is required to respond to a request from DMV for ability to drive safely when the DMV request... In WI since anyone can report an unsafe driver to DMV... The DMV can help in a different way... Anyone can notify of driver being unsafe then the doc must respondvto DMV or surrender their dl
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
Your mom sound similar to mine near the beginning of her disease . I would suggest a geriatric neurocognitive exam. My mom had Lewy Body Dementia. It's a very evil disease. I literally fell on the floor crying like a baby and begged my mom to get rid of the car because she came within 6 inches of hitting a kid on a bike. When she saw me so distressed, she agreed immediately! (There was no kid on a bike, but SHE thought there was and that helped!)

My mom joined the heavenly choir 9/3. The memory care center we found was her SAFE home and it was the best decision we ever made! She was able to have her quickly failing needs met, she had her "apartment", she had 2 best friends, and we got to spend time with her in HER world every day💜

Not sure of state laws, but here as soon as there is a dementia diagnosis, they are no longer able to sign ANY type of legal document anymore.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
baileyif Nov 2022
Great response nothing check state laws...... I checked in wi dementia and being of sound mind 2 different things... Being of sound mind is having the ability to answer a series of questions... Mostly family relationships
(0)
Report
I am sorry you are going through this. If she said you can sell the car, great! If not you can do one of 3 things, move the car away (I sold it) or have someone who knows cars disable it. Park it in a garage. I have my dad with me, his car died so I sold it, he was driving my daughter's car, had a few issues, and when he had his second knee operation I said "enough, you can't drive anymore, it's my car my insurance my house if you hurt someone"
It didn't go well at first but he knew. Now he gets people to pick him up and take him places, He's with me so I do all the Dr runs and church, etc. I had to remind him of when we started driving as kids and what he said to us that hed rip our license up if we messed up. My wife laid it out, "we are not going to lose our home if you hurt someone.
There are services out there to help pick her up to go places, check with your eldercare in your area or churches.
Your situation is hard as you live at a distance. Take the keys, pull the battery, and or move the car. I totally understand your situation. I wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

My beef.... I went thru wi DMV process for surrendering ur dl for medical reasons... What pissed me off a lot is they have such a damn efficient process for getting people with medical conditions off the road who kill very few people .. but Wi has highest drunken driver rate who kill many people... Disrespect wi DMV but use them when they have a process in place that u can use.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
dkiely33 Nov 2022
What ?!?!!?
(0)
Report
When my sister and I moved our father from Florida to New York so she could supervise his dementia care, she took him to the NY DMV and got him an ID card instead of a driver's license. He still had his car, but we gave the keys to his home health aide so he could take dad out to lunch during the day and to run errands. We notified Florida that he had moved out of state and also had alzheimer's and asked that they cancel his Florida license. They did so, but six months later when he wrote to the Florida DMV and told them he needed to renew his license, they sent him a brand new one, to NEW YORK. He didn't even have a Florida address any more. We couldn't believe it. The new license didn't do him any good...we still had the car keys.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My 83-year-old mom has been cognitively impaired since 2014. I am her power of attorney. We live in California. Though she has memory issues and some confusion, she does have her wits about her. You can't trick her or fool her.

In April, a new neurologist reported her as having Alzheimer's to the DMV. She received a letter that her license was revoked. I quickly filed paperwork with the DMV to gain the deed to her vehicle. I sold her Honda CRV for $17,500 and put the cash into her savings, which earns interest. Of course she was absolutely beside herself. I haven't really heard the end of it since May. But things get better and then they get worse, and then better. She feels that she can drive, but she is incorrect. She doesn't have the reflexes. She doesn't have the clear mindedness. She could never pass a DMV test.

The loss of my mom's independence has been very traumatizing for her, and she is very depressed about it. I have tried Lyft and Uber, but she doesn't like them. The cars are "filthy." I got her approved for Sundial transportation, $1.50 per ride, but she doesn't like that either. And she can walk, but she doesn't. It's really up to her to figure out what she wants to do to be able to go somewhere. I'm here to facilitate rides. But in the meantime I'm the one that takes her to all of her doctors' appointments and once-a-week shopping. Because she has Medicare Advantage HMO, no doctor has approved a beta amyloid pet scan; they all have an excuse that it won't be covered, so no point in requesting one; so we don't even really know how bad her condition is, which is frustrating. She lives alone, and she feels trapped and imprisoned. Unfortunately, in the summer it gets up into the 100s every single day. So that's a problem for at least 4 months a year. But now it's nice and she can walk 26 minutes each way to the corner strip malls. She's a schmoozer and loves to chit chat with everybody. She feels like a person when she can interact with others. But how do I get her to get dressed and leave the house? Just not motivated. Ugh! I wish that she would at least go and look at some of the AL facilities so that she can have a more social environment.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
dkiely33 Nov 2022
Sounds like your mom would do much better in an AL / IL facility. She's like my mother in liking to chat with everyone. Maybe if she was around people her own age she would not feel so bad about losing her ability to drive since those facilities have shuttles and outings and her mind would be more occupied.

Does your mom own the house she lives in? What is the resistance to moving to assisted living?
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Whew...that is a tough one. Sounds like she is not one to agree to moving closer to you into senior living with transportation. For my MIL who loved to drive, she moved near us to an AL. She gave it up driving between having fewer needs to leave "home", transportation options available, and being in a new area where she didn't feel comfortable finding and driving to places. It took a few months of the car sitting in the AL parking lot only starting it on occasion to agree to sell her car.

Others have suggested talking to an attorney about the POA and the situation. Make sure you are documenting incidents you know about showing that she is not capable of driving, handling bills, etc.

Definitely check with DMV in her state. I've heard that some states will cooperate with the family in taking away her license. You might try to find out how many accidents have been reported. When we sold the MIL's car, there were accidents we were unaware of.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wherever you live, as the POA you must take control. If you are 'so far away' as to not manage care, why are you the POA and what will you do when your responsibilities require you to be there - ?
* Is your mom deemed mentally incapacitated? If so, you can do what is necessary. If she isn't diagnosed, get her diagnosed.
* If you cannot manage her care, you need to get a manager in there to assist - in ways that you cannot due to distance/travel.
THE CAR . . . yes, she could kill herself and/or others . . . Have someone
* take out a part.
* stuff something in the key hole like cement
* do what you have to do to make the car unusable.
* you notify the local police dept of the situation.

Gena
Touch Matters
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I faced this. I reluctantly gave up driving my car and it was sold. Who, for Pete's sake, finds any pleasure in giving up the independence of being able to drive? The fact is, if mother gets into an accident --- even if it is NOT her fault; it will absolutely turn her world upside down and hugely impact her daughter's life. I faced this and realized that it was completely selfish/self-centered of me to keep on driving. I have a sweet friend who was in an accident that was NOT her fault. She was hit broadside at an intersection by a truck that did not stop at his stop sign. She now has a titanium rod up the center of her back! I would like to think that your mother is not so witless as to think she can legally drive without a valid driver's license!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Call Adult Protective Services and request a home evaluation for placement and request that they participate in a solution to take her car: tell them that, as an only child, you need someone else to be the "bad guy."

When they've come through for you, get her to a Geriatric Psychiatrist. It's time to move her near you, but not in your home.


A last resort would be to hire a guardian service.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If your mom is anything like my mom was, no demand and no logic will have any effect. Unless you are prepared to try to have her declared incompetent, you cannot 'make' her do anything, and she knows it.

We had hinted around, made suggestions and assorted offers for years before Mom finally gave up her car. The thing that made her give up her car was when my brother was injured in an accident caused by a different 90+ year old who was not fit to drive. Mom then realized that she did not want to risk hurting somebody simply because her reflexes were not as good as they should be.

Of course, there were a lot of other carrots in this trade. I agreed to buy her old car, my sisters and I agreed to take her to all her regular social events and take her to buy groceries every week. I also agreed to take her on an outing every week to include a drive and lunch. These were sometimes difficult to live up to, but most of the driving we did for Mom helped us to make her last years of life a time when we got to know each other better and also gave us opportunities to get to know her friends.

It may be that you might be able to point out to her that SHE may have benefits in giving up her car. It may also be that you will simply have to wait for events to force the issue. It can be of some help to your own mental health to acknowledge that you have only limited powers here and that your mother is primarily responsible for her own problems and solutions. It might seem easier if you could just take over and mandate all your preferred solutions, but you just can't. Do what you can, by getting in touch with senior services, then back off.

Watching a parent age and make their own mistakes is really hard, but knowing when you cannot force your own will in a situation can help your own sanity.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Davenport Nov 2022
Thanks so much for sharing your experience (which really equates with advice).
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter