How do you handle dementia & intimacy?

This is an excellent article about dementia and sexual intimacy

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4980403/

Mutual masturbation is a thing, and even carolwright.com sells dildos and vibrators. They should be able to mutually pleasure if that’s what he wants too.

They may procreate a demented baby. Keep them apart.

Sherry, if both your parents stopped sex aged just over 60, they were very unusual. I have doubts about the truth. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘organically impotent’, unless it was part of the treatment for prostate cancer. If not, it might simply be that he can’t keep an erection long enough to ejaculate.

As we hear regularly on the site, an increased sex drive is quite common in dementia, particularly for men. There is no reason why mother shouldn’t enjoy it. Father might too, so long as he doesn’t feel pressured, and he isn’t stressed about failure to perform.

For mother, I’d give her a vibrator, and tell both of them to try using it together. Some women live their entire lives never having had an orgasm. Make it sound normal, clean, easy and nice, not something furtive.

For Dad, it depends on his problem, and it would be good for him to talk to an older male doctor. If he gets an erection but can’t keep it, he could try a penile ring. Like a soft elastic bank, it fits over the body end of the penis. Blood flows into the penis through the artery, and the ring stops it flowing out again through the veins. It all lasts longer. It’s also easy to get off. They cost about $5 on Ebay. Some men of your father’s age try viagra on doctor’s prescription, even just once to experiment. It helps, and isn’t all that dramatic. Some (like my DH) try it just out of curiosity! If none of that works, your mother can just try stroking his genitals. He probably still has nice sensations down there, and it can make things mutual while they both try the vibrator.

I’m being frank because why not? We should try to make the best of the things that still work – so much doesn’t!

Lalalalalalalacan't hear you - !

I'm not surprised you were thrown off when your father shared this private issue with you. He couldn't talk to his doctor???

It's a funny thing: the possession and expression of sexuality is one of the subheads of fundamental human rights, right up there with religious belief and family life, but - perhaps not all that surprisingly, really - it's a subject that receives a lot less attention than, say, dignity and privacy. What does our training tell us to do if our client wants to lie down and masturbate after a shower? Blush and leave the room? Make sure there are tissues to hand? No idea! The online courses don't go into detail.

There are some things it is nice not to know...

But to keep an appropriately straight face:
Your mother has a right to her sexuality.
Your father knows her habits and wishes in this respect a great deal better than anyone else possibly could.
By the way, he also has a right not to feel harassed or distressed by her demands.
I hope he isn't thinking of risking his health with any possible medical solutions.

It's complicated and delicate, and in all seriousness it might be best to speak to his doctor about it - ideally a geriatrician, and ideally one who is a conscientious champion of all those rights we hear so much about but see so little of in practice.

Here you go, from the Social Care Institute for Excellence:

https://www.scie.org.uk/dementia/living-with-dementia/difficult-situations/sexual-expression.asp

OKKKKay, I know for sure this is not a topic my DH would share with a daughter. Dad may not really want it. Maybe too much work for him.

Problem is the sex drive in people with Dementia does increase and Mom probably thinks she is 20 again. I will tell u if she has a problem with dryness not something she may want to do.

Sherry, I would print out this thread & put it in an envelope for dad's reading pleasure. That way, you don't have to actually 'discuss' the suggestions with him directly, yet he'll get them a different way.

It's very common for folks, male & female both, to have a heightened sex drive when dementia comes into the picture. There's nothing 'abnormal' about it except if it becomes an obsession with mom and/or she's demanding dad 'perform'; then you have a problem. If that scenario happens, dad needs to contact mom's neurologist and let him know mom is exhibiting ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior; meds can be prescribed to calm her down a bit. If a man were acting aggressive towards his wife, such a thing would be unacceptable; same goes if a wife is acting aggressive towards her husband. Same rules apply. Even if that's not the scenario now, it COULD be down the road, and it's something dad should be aware of. Ariadnee gave you a good link to the topic in your first response.

Best of luck!

Your dad is 82 years old and hasn't had sex in 20 plus years. At this point you mom needs to leave him alone. If she needs to be medicated to control her instincts then so be it.

This is more proof to me that human beings are programmed creations at the mercy of their brains defective or not.

I don't get the whole rah rah mentality of sex when a person is 80 plus years old. Why the obsession with getting off at that advanced age? As if getting off is some kind of accomplishment.

And as to the dryness question about mom. She has dementia so it's not like lubrication of that area has probably crossed her mind.

Maybe it's time to separate mom and dad from each other in different living arrangements.

It makes as much sense (or as little sense) to question “whole rah rah mentality of sex when a person is” 18 years old as 80 years old. That’s the way God made us, mate.

I’m startled by the references to lubrication. Dryness is absolutely common as you age, and lubricants are in every supermarket (top shelf next to the condoms) and chemist. I’ve needed them since the menopause! I’d be genuinely surprised if any of us older posters in a functioning relationship DON’T need them.

Dementia can make a person lose inhibitions and release his/her animal instincts in a more open way. It's not normal human sex. Strange than some people in forum find it "romantic".

You should not be embarrassed by asking your question, as sex is a very normal part of most relationships and especially those that are married, regardless of age. It is a gift from God and should be treated as such.
If your dad can no longer perform sexually, I think that he(regardless of moms dementia)should at least try and pleasure her best he can. There's a lot he can be doing without the actual act of intercourse you know. Or does he just not want to as if he can't be pleasured, he doesn't want her to be either?
I understand that most children do not want to know or even think about their parents having sex(or as I like to call it making love)but the romantic in me likes to think that most if not all still do regardless of age.
I am 62 years old and was not able to make love to my husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage due to him having a massive stroke. And now that he's gone I look forward to(in a loving relationship)making love for many years to come, and if I'm lucky until I die.
So it's not just people with dementia that enjoy sexual pleasure, but it's us every day Joes(and Josephine's)as well.
I'm hoping your parents can get things figured out, and just enjoy each other best they can.

Maybe he could get some Viagra. Seriously.

Hi Sherry,
Your dad sounds like a sweety and your mom a horny old lady, lol Kinda like me and my Mike. I wanted him but because of a glandular problem, there was nothing we could do so we did alot of cuddling watching TV and holding hands and I was quite happy with that. Your mom probably will respond well to that and maybe flowers, perfume or candy the odd time? It never hurts. lmao.
My two cents.
Temper

Please get him an appointment with a urologist. It is possible to have intimacy in the senior years - with help. His urologist would be his best source to locating any aids your father wants. Also, it might help for your father to focus on what mom truly wants. Forgive my bluntness. Find out if it is orgasm, penetration, cuddling and kisses... She may be saying "sex" when she really just wants to be held or touched.

Dad may not want to have sex in general or not with mom in particular, particularly if he is dealing with her incontinence or his own. If there isn’t desire, neither viagra nor any other Ed drug will work.

I've worked in the medical field in various capacities, including evaluating on line web sites for a major cancer center to link to on their web site. Hence the link/info here-near the begining of this thread-and this reply bounces up here.
We're caregivers, who are so often told, "Oh, you need more help, blah, blah, blah..." annnddd.....ya know if even a smidgen of this were followed through and we got the help we so very, very desperatly need, it would be amazing. So, here we are, and I will try to help as best I can, cause it certainly gets crazy in the wilderness of caregiving.

Maybe a little viagra for dad?

Not mentioned in that article, but if your mom is seeking skin contact (in adults, comes with sex, usually), perhaps a female massage therapist might provide some gentle non sexual touching and you could see if this seems to relieve the urgency of your mom's desires. No idea if it would help, but easy to try.
Or maybe start with hand/forearm massage, or foot soak and lotion to feet.
Someone with dementia is touched by care staff to provide care, but the focus is cleanliness and not comfort. Good for you for being able to hear your dad's distress and reach out for suggestions on how to manage this rarely mentioned topic.
Hoping this stage passes quickly.....

Toys?

I, 66 y.o., male, am in a similar situation. At times, not frequently, my bride who is living with Alzheimer’s (67 y.o.) also wants sex. Her dementia is severe. So when the subject comes up I often deflect the conversation and she forgets about it. It’s not that I don’t want sex, I do. But I find it difficult to share intimacy with some who has a brain that is riddled with disease. In a very small way my bride knows she wants sex, but she has a brain that is, developmentally, somewhere between the ages of 5-10 years old. I just can’t do that. Maybe this is my own emotional state. But I feel like I would be taking advantage of a child.
This is a very tough situation for both your mom and dad. I understand your dad’s feelings.

Why is it okay to force a man who is either unwilling or unable or both to have sex? I understand your dad's unwillingness to participate in intimacy with his wife who has dementia. Having sex with anyone, spouse or whomever, who is cognitively challenged is outside my personal moral boundaries. Being intimate with a cognitively impaired loved one would cause me great emotional distress and harm. Forcing me to perform acts that are personally degrading would kill me. I feel so sad for your dad. His talking with you about this very personal subject reveals how tormented he is feeling. He loves your mom; otherwise, he wouldn't be torn. He would just "mate" and call it good. His life with your mom is challenging enough without the constant nagging for sex by his intellectually compromised spouse. In my case, I moved to the guest bedroom. Sharing the same bed with my husband who has moderate Alzheimer's was too confusing and tempting for my husband. I saved my sanity by removing myself from the shared bedroom environment.

A lot of people have suggested that Dad needs to find a way to "help her out." Well...I know from experience that here is just a real turn-off about the prospects of being intimate with someone who has a messed-up brain. Sorry if that term offends anyone, but it is meant to encompass a variety of problems. The idiot I got stuck with is a germophobe. Has been for all of our miserable marriage. The garbage I have had to deal with has resulted in a complete and total lack of desire for any intimacy with him.
If someone just has no desire for intimacy with a person with a broken brain, they should have the right to say no. Brain disorder driven sex drive is a real turn off. If it was reversed, and it was a man wanting it against the woman's wishes, nobody would be trying to force this on her.

Hypersexuality is part of Alzheimer's and maybe other dementias. My 91 year old husband suddenly ( after 20 years of no sex due to age, diabetes, meds etc.) wanted sex with me. He couldn't get an erection of course, but had the desire and was convinced he would be able to if I would just cooperate. After spending the day cleaning urine and feces off of every surface in the house, and changing wet, soiled clothing and bedding several times a day, I didn't have much interest in futilely messaging a limp penis to give him his jollies. Yes, I felt badly about not giving him what he wanted, but I felt like I had some rights and boundaries for my life too. Everything else in my life was about his comfort and well-being. I tried to divert, and let him rub my thigh as I checked his glucose nos, 3 times a day, and he got some sort of little thrill with it.
It is just part of the disease as inhibitions are destroyed, and along with it went modesty, and any sense of inappropriate sexual behavior. I caught him trying to fondle cute young nurses attending to him, and when I challenged him he just grinned; he thought he was cute. All of this from a man who had always been a perfect gentleman, and who never even cursed, and would leave the room if something too racy occurred on TV or in a conversation. It broke my heart, but you just know it it the disease, and try to show affection other ways. Lots of hugs, lots of I love yous and reassurances .
Blessings to the husband; he deserves his privacy, and should just gently reassure her he loves her and try to divert her attention. No great answers like with so many behaviors care takers deal with.

Maybe someone could explain this to her: just because he is physically unable to perform does not mean he doesn't want her or find her attractive. The desire is there, the ability is not. He still loves her just as much. The fact that he tried shows that he wants to. I know because my boyfriend is impotent too and in the beginning I made the mistake of taking it personally, thinking he wasn't attracted to me or that he didn't want me. I know better now. We are only 54 and 59. A man can become impotent at any age. I hope this helps.

@Sherry3, have your dad buy a strap on: I quote from below linked article:

“Wearing…strap-on harnesses can allow folks with penises who have erectile dysfunction or who have had their prostates removed to have sex with and please their partner in the way they are used to,” explains sex and relationships educator Sarah Sloane…”

Whole article from Healthline:
https://www.healthline.com/health/health-sex/finding-harness-dildo-pegging

I wish I didn't have such a vivid imagination.

Some answers here are candid, funny, and almost soft-porn. Lol.

Would your Mom be competent in using a vibrator? I’m not the expert, but masturbation may help relieve anxiety associated with dementia.

Teepa Snow. The woman may or may not have the answer for you, however, she is the voice of sanity in all things dementia and will have some kind of solution or approach that could help.