How do you handle elderly mom's friend stopping by unannounced?

Just ask her nicely to call first before dropping by, and tell her that you don't have visitors after a certain time. No need to be nasty -- she probably IS lonely.

Once upon a time, people used to drop in on each other all the time.

When I was watching my mom I was always hoping that somebody would stop by, just to break up the monotony.

You do not let her in the door.
You stand at the door and you say "No, Mom did not call you". "Mom and I are relaxing now and don't wish to have company".

Honesty is ALWAYS best.
Honesty is always EASY.

If this occurs as many as three times, or if Mom says that this is occurring more than she would like then you will have to give your phone number to this person and request a call to you before visiting, and that if she cannot reach you and is truly concerned she should call the local police for a wellness check. As you can imagine, more than a few calls would result in her being stopped by the police themselves.

You can also try hanging a sign on the door: "We are relaxing. NO VISITORS at this time, please." You can put a notepad and pencil there with a little box to leave a message.

There were times I should have been firm. One of those was a married couple who came and brought their seeing eye dog. They stayed for four hours to visit a LO shortly after LO's surgery. They seemed to have no idea that I was exhausted and we desperately needed rest. I was honestly so tired I wasn't thinking straight, but afterward, I realized I should have stopped refilling their iced tea glasses and told them that we'd been up all night with pain issues and needed to rest now.

We don't want to be rude, but people who have never had a caregiving issue don't get it. I concluded that asking them to leave isn't being rude at all - it's self-preservation and education of the visitors.

Long ago it was people who wanted stop by and "see the new baby." Then they'd stay for two hours. That's very hard on a new mom.

Before you turn the lady off, find out whether your mother values the friendship. If she does, you might think again about cutting it down. Being too blunt may mean it stops dead. The lady may indeed be lonely, and your mother may also find herself feeling lonely in the future.

There may be other options, like for the lady to call in advance, requests for visits only in certain hours, a separate place for visits (eg in the kitchen). Or having a dressing gown to grab if there is an unexpected ring at the door.

Aging, try to see if you could handle this differently. It may be difficult in the geography or your house, but try to set up a corner where M could talk to a visitor, without taking over the kitchen. You shouldn’t be confined to your bedroom just because someone is talking to M.

Don’t get annoyed because someone says that they don’t mind if the place is in a mess. That’s exactly what I would say. A visitor can’t expect ‘showplace’, whether or not they call first. And you can say “I going to have to ask you to leave in a few minutes, because we need to blah blah blah’, without it being said in (suppressed) anger. There are far more regrets on this site that people DON’T visit, than that visits annoy the carer. See if you can look at it all differently.

Well, it looks like the woman could read between the lines. Usually this type of person you need to be more direct with then hollering up the hall.

Yes, people used to just stop in, but that does not happen now.

You are right, the friend is probably lonely. How is your Mom taking it? Is your Mom happy to see that friend or is that friend wearing out her welcome?

If your Mom is happy to see the friend, then let it continue to happen and you need to be able to find another activity that you can do by yourself.

If your Mom is not happy to see the friend, then get up the guts to discuss some parameters of when she can visit. Your Mom should deliver the guidelines to her friend.

This is still difficult to relate to. “My mom likes her company” and “we know her for many years”. BUT “she’s become clingy”, “she is unstable mentally, talks mostly negative” and “she’s toxic”.

This seems to be the first visit in three weeks, since your first post about it. That is hardly being clingy, an imposition, or showing evidence of mental instability. You say “it is upsetting the both of us”, but I wonder if M is upset at your reaction, rather than at the visits? Who else visits your mother? Surely it’s not just you and her all the time?

Stick your head out window & tell her she’s sleeping now. You’ll give her the message. Say, “Have a good evening!” Hugs 🤗