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My husband was always a large guy, but after a surgery, when he stopped taking his water pill, he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Since then, his sleep apnea, arthritis, enlarged heart, mild narcolepsy, and diabetes have really kicked up. During the pandemic, he came down with sepsis to the point he was in a medically induced coma for two and half weeks. Since then, it has been one thing after another. He is in the hospital now with sores on his right leg, sepsis, MARS, and overall weakness. I try to see him daily and talk a few times on the phone. He has accused me when he is frustrated of not wanting him home ( I need him to be able to transfer himself and move around some), telling the nurses half-truths, and only marrying him to be a sperm donor ( we have two kids and have been married for 26 years). I still work full-time as a teacher, and he works full-time from home. I am tired. I can't rely on him for anything anymore. He used to run some errands when he could still drive, do some light chores in the house, and cook a couple of meals when I had extra outside chores or work from school. He was down to sweeping the floors in March, but nothing since due to his illnesses. I know he is tired and depressed- so am I at times. This does not mesh well with my age, arthritis, and autism. We moved last year to a new home built to accommodate his needs using a wheelchair and my need to garden. I am just burnt out this summer. He was in the hospital last summer, too. I guess my question is, what can I do to keep from feeling depressed and help him more? I do get outside daily due to my gardening; I do crafts, read, and watch TV, but I am not much of a social butterfly. I am already receiving counseling due to him and my job. I have our 19-year-old son to help some- he is an angel. Thoughts? If anything, thanks for listening.

I completely understand. You have to forgive yourself for being frustrated
No one is prepared to be a full time caregiver. I am caring for my wife who has a progressive neurological disease and is unable to walk or care for herself any longer . Someone responded that they have lost their spouse and I can relate to that feeling. I have had to take over managing everything. I have finally reached the point where I need regular help just so I can function and do things for myself. I have had days where I did not know what I was going to do. Everyone has lots f suggestions but you are the one who is in charge of the care. My advice is to turn to your faith and asked God to help you make the right decisions and to give you strength.
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My 73 y.o. sister is a non compliant insulin dependent diabetic. She is a cancer survivor with a permanent colostomy and foley catheter due to a bladder/vagina fistula. She has had several bouts with sepsis, sacral wound that is not healing as well as the fistula not closing.
Why? her diet consists of 3 pints and 1/2 gallon of ice cream, cookies, powdered mini donuts, potato chips, diet coke, diet ginger ale, 1/2 gallon of 2% white milk, 1/2 gallon of 2% chocolate milk and other unhealthy foods. She refuses to leave her apartment to the trash shoot to empty and do laundry because she has paid state supported CNA 10-12 weeks to do that work. IF she isn't sleeping, she's watching/streaming TV and buying movies thinking they are free.
Her mantra is Eat what you want then take a shot.

I've given up trying to help her to understand why she is committing slow suicide. I asked her if she would like to move to Vermont where suicide is legal and she asked why I would ask such a stupid question.

Our mom died 6 years ago and when she had a pysch exam told the psychiatrist that when mom got better to be on her own, she took an apt in senior housing. Our mom had been dead for 4 years when she reported this delusion.

I recently assisted her with the annual recertification for her apt. What was the thanks I got - a litany of old angry hate going back to our childhood. I brought her paperwork and left it outside the door to her apt. She text me apologizing for her behavior but it no longer cuts through the nastiness and hate she tosses at me and then goes onto non-family members about how awful I treat her.

I decided that I needed counseling to help me cope with this delusional woman. I brought a copy of the pysch report, and I am working very hard to accept that I will receive a call one day that she was found unresponsive and was pronounced on the way to the hospital for final pronouncement.
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I am so glad things are turning around for you. Therapy has always helped me I go through Better Help.com My mom has dementia and now lives with my sister, ( we don't get along well) but my therapist Elizabeth has been a God send. She helps me navigate & find ways to deal with some issue. Sometimes a 3rd neutral person can help us through the ups & downs of difficult time. the best part is you can connect by text, chat, phone, or video. I do phone about twice a month, but I am also free to text her through my account anytime. Almost always reply's the next day.
Best of luck to you and your husband.
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I’d tell yourself and DH that he was a first class sperm donor and helped you both to have two fantastic kids. If the comment hurt at the time, making it a compliment might wipe out the nasty feelings!
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Hi everyone! A quick update. His health is improving. He has been receiving physical therapy at a nursing home. He has finally realized if he wants to get home and stay home that he is in charge. He keeps practicing going from the bed to the wheelchair and then goes out of his room as far as he can and returns. I finally told him I needed him well and at home. At this time, I am overwhelmed with everything. I also gently told him some of his remarks were different from what I should be hearing. I know it is just us in this world, but I was tired. When I talked to him later, he was even more proactive. When I spoke to him at 8 PM, he didn't mention talking later; he wished me a good- night. Please know that besides visiting him almost every day, we text or talk numerous times a day. He realized as much as I love him, I can't be on call 24/7 and keep up on everything at home. Thank you all so much for listening and responding. I know this does not mean everything is going to end "happily ever after," but it should be much better. I am going to get a haircut and color tomorrow, which I have not done professionally since last August. Everyone, again thank you.
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Llamalover47 Jul 10, 2024
Apple1964: Thank you for your update.
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Apple1964: Seek respite even in small amounts.
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I am so sorry you are going through all that. I’m in a similar situation with a husband wheelchair bound and has vascular dementia. He has trouble walking but still gets around with the help of a walker. The thing that I hate the most is cleaning up no 2 when he misses the toilet. Often diarrhea. This fecal incontinence is just awful. Yes I’m a wimp! Plus he is totally embarrassed and angry that all this is happening to him. Not pleasant to be around. The best thing I do aside from taking antidepressants is take a trip with friends two or three times a year. Short and long. Also lunching with friends and going to the gym. And working on not feeling guilty. When I ask why this is happening I think that the good Lord is training me to help others in the future with the same issues. That makes me feel like a have a purpose in life.
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MiaMoor Jul 9, 2024
That sounds incredibly difficult. Well done for working on your own wellbeing - too many people neglect themselves when they have such heavy burdens to bear. Wishing you all the best.
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It is exhausting when your partner, whom you have relied on to be there to assist with the daily burdens of life, no longer can, and in addition, requires more support from you.
It is natural and ok for you to feel frustrated, maybe even a little resentful.
It sounds like you are doing things which you enjoy for your own emotional relief, and I'm glad you are receiving counseling, which I would have recommended.
Your husband is tired, depressed, and frustrated too. And taking it out on you.
He might benefit from some counseling himself. Both of you can use some grief counseling. You are grieving the lifestyle that was. You have lost a spouse, but he is still living and leaning on you for support.

I know what that feels like. My husband had a massive stroke at the age of 53, that was 9 years ago, leaving him bedridden, in diapers, unable to talk, walk, eat solid foods, and because of the brain damage sustained, he has the behavior of an impulsive child, and refuses to cooperate for his basic care needs. He is aggressively resistant to bathing, and basic grooming. He has been kicked out of 2 nursing homes because they were unable to manage his combative behavior. As a result, I quit my office job to stay home and care for him.

I love him very much and felt certain that he would do everything he could to take care of me if I were in such a position. He was a good man to me and I feel I owe him my devotion and care.

It is a lonely feeling, to be isolated with these burdens that none of your friends or family truly understand. It is depressing. We only view our futures with a positive outlook, and when our life situation turns out so differently, this is not the life any of us expect, and it's maddening!

I think you have a good handle on self-care, and I hope it felt good simply to vent. This is a good forum to vent, as everyone here knows the frustration and the sadness and the physical and emotional toll this takes. Hopefully it helps you to know you are not alone. And consider mental therapy for your husband to help him get through this, without blaming you.
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MiaMoor Jul 9, 2024
If I were religious, you would be in my prayers. Instead, I'm sending you warm wishes and hope for the future.
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Apple1964:

I'm very sorry to see you going through your husband's health problems. Looks like it is time to get yourself professional help to get through this. You need to prioritize your health and livelihood for yourself and your own family.

I knew some folks from earlier years back when my foster mother was overweight for a long time. Mama, as I called her, developed diabetes at around age 45. At age 72, she suffered a massive stroke and heart attack. Her daughter, an RN, and her husband took Mama in their house for a year to care for her. Then Mama was returned home to hers and her husband's mobile home where they were together for four years. Mama suffered several health problems and entered the hospital many times until she passed away in 1977.
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Tell them it’s ‘not safe’ to discharge to home unless he can transfer himself (if you think he needs a rehab stay to get stronger/more mobile). The ‘not safe’ part is important, they can’t send someone to an unsafe discharge.

You have every right to be exhausted.

Like others have suggested, hire help. Groc delivery, prepared meals, house cleaners, etc.

I think the fact that you’re able to make any time for yourself is commendable, it is so difficult.

Take it one day at a time, sending love and support.
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CaringWifeAZ Jul 9, 2024
Yes, that is a very good response, Kristen.
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Wow! You are doing a great job! You’ve made so many steps in the right direction like moving into the ADA home with a garden, keeping with your hobbies and getting counseling are also so important. Your husband may not even realize that he saying mean things. He’s frustrated and tired and doesn’t feel well and people in that situation can often times say mean things, unfortunately, sometimes as caregivers we have to dig deep and find it within ourselves to let it roll off our shoulders. You are doing a fantastic job. Keep up the good work.
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Reply to Kimbasimba
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You don’t you deal with it knowing it will eventually it will be over. And hope you have enough years left to enjoy
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Reply to Sample
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You have done more than enough. His lack of self care and sedentary choice inevitably created poor heath consequences. This is not on you and it’s beyond your control to fix. You matter too. Establish boundaries and stand firm or his expectation you will take up all the slack is driving you into the ground. He MUST be able to independently do ADLs. You cannot physically lug around a big guy that will not help himself. Let hospital social worker find him placement. Its not safe for you or him at home if he cannot move.
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Tell him the rule: When you can get out of the bed and walk on your own you can come home - period. Until that happens I cannot take care of you - period. Remember this - if he comes home YOU will be cleaning up after him. YOU will doing everything for him. YOU, YOU, YOU! So he needs to stay where he is until HE can do for himself - PERIOD.
Tough love.
I had to do that with my daddy - I told him until he can walk by himself they doctor will not release him.
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One day at a time sweet Jesus!
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Apple, your husband has no right to be mean to you. Yet, it's understandable that he's unhappy with everything that he's going through. It really is a dreadfully difficult situation.

I don't suppose there's a definitive bit of advice to help you. It's your relationship and your life. I hope that getting it off your chest and feeling understood helps.

I think that's something you could try with your husband - showing understanding, even when he's being unreasonable.

By this I mean practicing holding in your anger or hurt when he says things like, "you don't want me to come home". Instead, you could try acknowledging how he's feeling. Something like, "I can see how you might feel like I don't want you to come home (mirroring his words). It must feel like home and family are so far away when you're stuck here. That's why I visit you whenever I can. I can't wait until you are up on your feet again and home with me."

If you argue with him, telling him he's wrong, of course you want him home, then you'll put yourself in an opposition role and he'll more likely fight against you and not listen to reason.

If you show that you understand him first, you'll put yourself on his side (even though it's saying something negative) and you may have a better chance of him listening to your reasonable version of reality.
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MiaMoor Jul 6, 2024
Btw, I have absolutely no idea. But I think it's worth a try, even if all it does is make you feel better by at least trying.
Wishing you all the best.
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Hi Apple,

I'm sorry for everything you're experiencing. I'm also a teacher who has now got arthritis added to my existing joint issues. The job's difficult enough without adding a physical problem to the weight of planning, marking and admin. All that's enough without the extra chores you are having to do.

Outsource anything you can that's feasible. I get my shopping delivered so that I don't have to carry heavy bags any further than from the front door to the kitchen. I buy frozen veg that doesn't need to be prepped and chopped, along with fresh veg that's easier to prepare.

Cleaning, other than daily necessities like washing up, is done on a rota. I am having to let go of 'perfect' and replacing it with 'good enough'.

I use a couple of stamps for classroom marking - 'what went well; even better if; next step' and "verbal feedback given". Then I tell the student to write in their own words what I just told them. I can't always bend over at the desk and sometimes my hands are too painful and swollen. It has the added benefit of the student remembering what they have written better than if I had written it.

Sorry if this is like 'teaching your grandmother to suck eggs'! But, you never know which thing will be new to someone else.
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Your husband is very depressed and very unhappy with his life and sadly he is taking it out on you(which is normal as we typically take out our frustrations on those we love most)and you are already overburdened with everything you now have to do yourself.
The important thing for you to do is to make sure that you are getting the help you need around the house, even if you have to hire folks, and that you're doing things that you enjoy to keep your spirits up so you can continue on this very difficult journey with your husband.
I know it's hard. My late husband had a massive stroke a year and a half after we were married at the age of 48,(I was 36) and I cared for him until his death at the age of 72.
He too had many health issues stemming from his stroke and was in and out of the hospital many times over the years. What often got me through was the thought that if the tables were turned and it was me that had had the stroke, I liked to think that my husband would be doing for me what I was doing for him, and that made things a little easier.
I also reminded myself why I had married him in the first place, and the true love that we shared, as he was the very first man to truly love me just as I was. And coming from a very dysfunctional background, that was huge to me.
So please don't lose focus of the reason that you married your husband as it can help keep things in perspective.
Also try to find a caregiver support group in your city that you can attend, as that can be a life saver. Just being able to share with others that are going through similar things and to be able to be honest with your feelings with others that truly understand can be life changing.
I also found great strength from God, going to church, and from those in my church who walked along side me in the hard times.
I hope and pray that you too have all that.
I am here to tell you that you will be able to handle whatever comes your way(by the grace of God)and that you will come out at the end a much stronger, more compassionate and empathic person.
Hang in there, and don't be afraid to ask for and hire whatever help you need.
God bless you.
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Anxietynacy Jul 3, 2024
Funky grandma, that was really sweet, I like hearing stories of others on this forum, makes me understand them better. 💓
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Everyone thanks. I do appreciate it. I have thought some about dementia, but I think he is depressed himself with all of the illness. I do take time for myself, but as you all know, it is difficult sometimes. Again, it is good to know I am not alone. Apple1964
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Anxietynacy Jul 3, 2024
Apple of you want to learn more about dementia, Google Teepa Snow , watch her YouTube videos.
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I just came here cuz I feel the same. It helps to read others in the same boat. Not gonna fix anything, but I feel less alone, you are not alone out there. Thanks for posting.
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What can you do to make your life easier? Chores dh used to do that you can figure out how to not do yourself? Order groceries to be delivered instead of shopping yourself, for one. Hire a housekeeper to clean 2x a month. Ask the doc about antidepressants to help your depression. Move into the guest bedroom if you sleep in the same room with dh so you can get the rest YOU need. If dh needs more help, hire an aide to come in. You already have your hands full enough! You're not Superwoman so retire the cape, that's my suggestion.

I have been debilitated for 17 months now after cancer treatment wreaked havoc on my central nervous system. My husband has been my caregiver this whole time. I've come up with the ideas I gave you to lighten HIS load. Except I'm the one taking antidepressants to deal with life now. Spend the money to make your life a bit easier. Don't take any verbal abuse from dh and chalk it off to him being sick and blah blah. Without you, where would he be? You are his lifeline as my dh is mine. I never verbally abuse him but thank him for all he does. Your dh should be doing the same.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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I understand your frustration but I can't offer you anything other than to assure you that you are not alone.
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Anxietynacy Jul 2, 2024
Gray, something just knowing your not alone does wonders for a person that is in depression.
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Apple, of course your depressed, you are human. You can't burn the candle from both ends without repucustions on your mental health, which will no doubt turn into more serious physical problems for you.

I am so sorry, this has to be horriblely hard , for all of you. You can't possibly bring you husband home with his health issues until he is more mobile.

I am also wondering if your husband has some dementia going on from all his health issues. There is a lot of health issues there that he has that effect his brain health.

As for your burnout, I was like you doing all the right things for my mental health but still lost it. My advantage is, that I take care of my mom and I have been able to get my mental health back on track.

But your not the only one that does everything they say to do and still hitting bottom.

You need help, your not helping your son or husband without taking care of yourself. Your son exspecially needs you to be healthy, his dad is not so it's even more important now for you to take care of you.

I hope we can help you. Best of luck 🙏💓😔
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Anxietynacy Jul 2, 2024
I think you need to start thinking about yourself more. Do something that you really enjoy doing.

I took my mom to every store or errands I went on for 3 plus years. If I didn't have her with me I was getting something for her.

When I new I needed help with depression, and put my mind to the fact that I can't do it all. I went to Kohl's, Everytime I saw something that mom would like, I told myself, NO, this shopping trip was for ME and me only. Then I drove past her house and went home.

You need to find something that makes you feel free!! And put everything else out of your head
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