How do you heal after almost a lifetime of difficult care and demands from your older, mentally and physically unhealthy parents?

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How do you heal after almost a lifetime of difficult care and demands from your older, mentally and physically unhealthy parents?

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My older parents have been in and out of the hospital since I was in high school (I'm in my 40s now). I'm an only child with no aunts or uncles. It slowly acclimated to my mom having a stroke and passing away a year later. The home care attendants were in a crime ring and slowly robbed my parents, took loans and after my mom passed away, stole the credit card and bank information. They stole one of the cordless home phones and chargers to call the CC company and bank to ask for more cards, state they were traveling.... I had to piece all of this together with the police investigator's help. The attendants had prior check fraud charges but their attendant agency that charged $21 an hour supposedly didn't know about it ) I'm not the main decision maker, my father is and he makes very bad decisions exposing my parents to home attendants that stole from them, a relator who undersold their house by several thousand and so much more. I don't want power of atty and I don't think my father would give it to me because he wants to be in charge. It's been a lifetime of watching them and now him make bad decisions. They threw money out the window like it was nothing (one example- they stayed in a fancy hotel for 3 years, while keeping their expensive home instead of getting medical help or moving to a different house - my mom thought something was making her sick at the house). I have bent over backward to help them sacrificing my well being while feeling like they don't appreciate me or want me to have my own life. They have felt like terrible children since I was a teen so I have not had my own. I have repressed anger that shows itself when I'm pushed too hard. The main things I don't like is that I don't know how to feel better and no one understands if I try to talk about it. I have tried many things and types of therapy. I have ignored the pain and anger it and fooled people and myself but it still surfaces.

I still have to help my 83 year old father and he is still getting into messes. I don't want to do this anymore. He has no respect or appreciation for me and I was trying to do the "right thing" by helping them. I just feel like I've thrown my sanity and life away. I wish I had moved away years ago and had a cordial, long distance relationship.... at least one of the 3 of us would still be healthy. The disasters happen and are hidden for me to find out about regardless if I'm in the picture or not. What would you do to heal? Please be kind.

Burnout Mental Health Sacrifice

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Sorry you’ve been through so much. See if you can get hospice in place to help with your dad & hire aides from a company they’ve dealt with & recommend.

As for healing, that can take time. All I know is never deny yourself comfort even as simple as soft afghans in winter with lots of pillows that give security when sleeping to remembering the things that made you happy before. Every single small bit of happiness adds up & always go out of your way to include as many as you can. It will happen & you will heal. Be patient & kind to yourself :)

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Thank you

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cwinter,

That's harsh to ask Christservant what Jesus would do.
I'll tell you what Jesus would do. He'd heal the father and everything would be cool. Or more likely, He'd walk away and pray that the father sees the light.

Here's what BurntCaregiver would do.
Move mountains and come hell or high water do everything I possibly could to get conservatorship/guardianship. Then put the father in a facility to get the help and care he needs.
That's the right thing to do. If it fails then walk away because there's nothing to be done for it. Also, never walk away from money unless it's a totally lost cause. Always try to prevent family wealth from being foolishly squandered.

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My story's similar to yours. I told myself I was "doing the right thing," and felt virtuous about it. But secretly I always wondered why--as an ADULT--I kept going back to my narcissistic parents' homes, offering myself up for more years of humiliation, lack of respect, and abuse when I didn't have to.

What I came up with is that all children have a basic need for love and acceptance from their parents, and if we don't get it, we just keep going back again and again, beating our heads against the wall. That's why it's so hard to "just walk away:" you have to admit and accept that it's a lost cause (plus, making the break takes ego and self-esteem that children of narcissists generally lack).

You're a far more evolved, enlightened and better person than your parents because of what you've endured. You're still young, and you deserve a better life. How to heal? Once you've escaped that toxic situation, don't look back and NEVER beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do.

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Thank you, this is really helpful. Have you been able to walk away? If so, what helped you to do so? Thank you so much for your feedback.

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Please remember that there are limits to the obligations kids have to their parents. At a certain point "doing the right thing" means to care for yourself and let parents, who are adults, make their own mistakes and clean up their own messes. As for discussions with others - I would avoid relatives and/or friends of family. They probably are too willing to feel sorry for your parents. You say you have tried therapy - please don't give up on this idea. There is help out there but you have to keep looking for it.

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Thank you very much. Not talking to certain people about it really makes sense. So many people who don't know the full story or situation have tried to put even more on me than what I already took on to help them. My parents and now just my father have always been good at showing their sweet side to people outside of our small family so people really don't understand. Thank you

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Don't expect appreciation for "doing the right thing.". Do what you are able and willing to do for it's own sake, not for acknowledgement.

If your father is declared incompetent and unable to manage his own affairs, maybe you need to arrange for a conservatorship or guardianship for his financial affairs. It does not need to be you.

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Thank you

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Mmm777: Imho, you need to take care of yourself.

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First of all, I love your name. Secondly, thank you

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At 54…. And an only child of divorced parents, my LBD father told me, “ He IS the father and I am the daughter.” Of course he could not bathe, manage his medications, almost set his neighborhood on fire, drive recklessly… to name a few. I had to place him in a living assisted living facility, but I had his primary care physicians help. I told his doctor I could not keep this up. I understand. Do what you need to do.

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Thank you. That sounds like it was an incredibly hard situation too. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

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As you can see the answers range from one extreme to another. The choice is ultimately yours. Care giving can demand more inner strength than you ever imagined. Ultimately, we have to live with ourselves and our decisions, be they good or bad. I do feel your pain, been there, am there, and married to him, and he's is misery incarnate. Best of luck... yes, this is a good group to hangout with.

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Thank you for the wise words. I'm sending good vibes your way.

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I would walk away.

They are toxic folks and cause nothing but problems.

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? Christservant is your name, and you'd walk away? Seems inconsistent.
Do you think that is what Jesus would do given a similar circumstance. We don't always have choice of our circumstance, but we do have choice about our attitude about our circumstance.

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Wow!
I could feel your pain while reading your post & it brought tears to my eyes.
Rather then add to the excellent advice you’ve received, I’d like to say I sympathize with you & your feelings. It’s a big accomplishment that you are mindful, kind & aware of the human condition. As a fellow only child, I understand how lonely it can be when there’s no one else to help take on the burdens. I’m of a similar age & wish I’d put my life first long ago too.
I’m currently reading, actually listening( audible)to some helpful books.
1. Stop Caretaking the Borderline, Narcissist
2. Out of the Fog
3. Dodging Emotional Vampires
These books came as a result after saying no to a destructive parent & feeling so guilty.
I wish I could give you a hug 🤗 & tell you everything will be ok.
Please believe it’s never too late to make positive changes.
Please don’t accept treatment from anyone if it’s not how you would treat a person. Your life is valuable, you are valuable & I believe in you.
I know that sounds kind of corny but I sincerely mean it.

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Not corny at all

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My heart goes out to you. What you have endured should never have happened to you. They were NOT good parents to you and you are suffering as a result. Given their backgrounds and circumstances, I would suggest two things. First, find a good counselor to help you deal with the impact on your life and how to go on to a better life.m Second of all, find a good eldercare attorney who can help you deal with the legs aspects. I would not under any circumstances take on any roll that would involve you being in an official capacity to help them - it won't work and they will destroy you. A professional should take over to care for them, not you. You must find a way to move on and away as you did nothing wrong, they did and you are suffering.

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The made their beds and now let them lie in the beds. You are done - walk away while you still can have a chance at a new and happier peaceful life. Don't let them destroy you. Get tough and walk - NOW.

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I relate to a lot of things you are saying, but you have it much worse than I do.
I can't stop thinking, why didn't I move away when I could, I even remember the times when I almost did.. like I am back in that exact moment. I gave up a lot of dreams to stay here as I knew when my parents were older, their perfect child (my sister) would do little to help them.
You and I are in our 40's and we still have a lot of life left.
Just walking away seems impossible, much as I want to I can't just do that, and I would guess you wouldn't know how to either.
Here is what I am doing. I am taking steps to improve my life (much as I don't care to at all..). I am saving as much as I can and trying to get healthy, really healthy. Walk a lot, listen to happy music, be busy, really busy. I even listen to those positive self-help books, surprisingly they help a lot. Be so busy improving your life that there si no space for feeling the despair.
Start by changing your inner dialogue, you have been raised to believe this is who you are so now you have to change who you are to who you want to be. The most important thing is to turn your focus to yourself, I believe this will help you get out of this.
Your father wants to be in control so let him be and take a step back, then another , then another...soon you will find the door.

Your sentence" I just feel like I've thrown my sanity and life away. I wish I had moved away years ago and had a cordial, long-distance relationship." Is exactly what I would say but we have to change that mindset for a different result. You didn't move away and neither did I so forget about that and focus on what you can do for yourself now and in the future.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm so sorry you have been going through a similar situation. You have a really good plan. I can really related to you about giving up your dreams to try to do the right thing. Feel free to message me anytime if you need someone to talk to

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Take Control.

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You already know there's no sanity if you stay. Listen to your gut. Your instinct to save yourself is kicking you. Nothing you do will change your dad for the better. You can only change yourself and your situation. I say you already know what you want to do. Make a run for it. Get a job in a new town and start living.

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Thank you, you really are right. I have been thinking about moving to another state to get some distance. I could find an elder atty and do that and hopefully my own life and a better life. Thank you for taking the time to say that! :)

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It sounds to me like you never really had actual adult parents. That you were the parent to a couple of adult-sized children from pretty much day one. Yours is a very sad story to hear. I sincerely hope for your sake that you go to therapy. A good therapist can help very much in teaching a person how to deal that repressed anger. I completely understand what you're feeling. I know what it's like to try to talk about it and have people not understand where you're coming from. No one can really understand unless they come from a situation like yours. I come from exactly a situation like yours. The only difference is My family doesn't have any money. You never got respect and validation from your parents and won't from your surviving father. The truth is your parents were and are extremely selfish people. I'm sure they have love for you in their own way, but like with my parents you were simply not a priority to them. It's not that they didn't want you to have a life. They didn't want you to have one that ran contrary to their needs and wants in any way.
From what you've said about your mom and dad living in an expensive hotel and house, it seems you come from a very well off family. Their wealth is owed to you by rights for bringing them up and being their caregiver for so long.
Tell your father he has to agree to POA for you. If he still refuses then try pursuing conservatorship/guardianship over him through the court because it certainly sounds like he is incompetent. This way you will be the one making rational decisions. There will be no more throwing large sums of money away or allowing hired caregivers to rob and steal. From what you say about your father here, it is unlikely the court will refuse you conservatorship/guardianship. Once you have it you can put him in a care facility.
You say you've lost your sanity and that you've thrown your life away. Maybe it's time for you to throw your parents away instead and take your life back. Good luck to you and I hope you find some peace and joy in taking your life back.

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I'm so sorry to hear you can relate. My parents were wealthy and had a good amount of land too but they somehow managed to throw most of it away. I'm afraid to have POA over my father because I'm worried he might do something else that might end up effecting me or maybe I would be held responsible. I think I might just try to find an elder atty to see if there's a safer way to deal with it. I really need to get away from my father... I think he will end up wasting what's left and I have accepted it.

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No, you do not still have to help your Dad get out of the messes he creates.

You have every right to walk away.

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Thank you

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You are still young enough to get your own life--don't postpone it by trying to help and please a father who doesn't appreciate it.

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Thank you

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You don't have to do any of it. Just because your parents put you on this earth does not entitle them a lifetime of servitude.

That is what nursing homes are for.

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That's a very good point. Thank you

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Stop Helping others?
Help yourself!
Let yourself be first starting now!

Tell your Father that from now on he can hire the help he needs and that you are out if there and have your own life to start living
You need to take care of yourself because no one else will.
Move Out if the house if you are still there, get a job if you don't have one and start your life today!

Prayers

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Thank you! Thank God, I don't live with him. This is really good advice. I'm going to listen to you. Thank you and bless you!

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I don't understand when you say "at least one of the 3 of us would still be healthy" when you said your mother passed and you have no siblings. either way...........tell your dad he is on his own and say goodbye. Yes it might be hard but the way you tell it, you have had a terrible childhood and don't want to deal with things anymore. IF you don't have POA, nothing you can do. I don't know what else to offer other than find a "good" therapist and keep looking until you do find one that will help you. Wishing you luck.

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Her, her mum, and her dad.
She isn't healthy, her dad isn't and her mum certainly isn't.

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Hello-
In your profile, you say you are a Social Worker. Do you still have a full time job? Does that bring you any release from these other pressures or joy? Friends at work to connect with and talk to?

I, too, am an only child. I understand the obligations with that—in itself. It isn’t easy being the only and watching your father make bad choices.

It is also not easy to simply walk away. Trying to find some sort of balance will be hard, but I sense that it is your only solution to find some peace and solace in your life.

Only you can create those boundaries/limits. It is so hard to do because you have no one else to turn to and your sense of responsibility and honoring your dad is evident.

Connect with your dad’s primary care doctor and talk through some of your concerns about you dad and his mental status with respect to level headed decision making.

Lastly, take some time for you-even if it is just 20 minutes a day. Work on deep breathing, long walks, a book/show you have wanted to read or watch. Slowly use this time to spend time on your path, your new path. Work on letting go of the hurt or anger. It isn’t helping anyone. Don’t waste time harboring any pain. Or sadness; release that because you have to make the most of your time on this planet. Take it a day at a time and do the best you can.

Best wishes to you.
Janine

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Please consider the over-used story of the plane. You are supposed to put your oxygen on first before putting oxygen onto others. You need to attend to your mental health and other needs at this time. You also need to set boundaries regarding the behavior of your parent. Please consider seeing your medical doctor to make sure your medical needs are addressed. Please consider seeing a counsellor to help with dealing with your past and with setting boundaries with your parent. A good book to read is any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Clark.

If you suspect your father is not safe or living in a healthy situation, please call Adult Protective Services. If he is in danger, they will take him out of his home and into a facility. If you do not want to be in charge of his care, the courts will appoint a legal guardian to supervise his care.

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Thank you, very good advice.

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As a retired professional, let me add that we do walk away when people don't work with us. Look around, lots of people don't straighten up and fly right. What you need to learn from your parents is that people who continue to make self-destructive decisions lead lousy lives in others' views. Apply it to yourself and move on. You are never going to be real easy with watching your father's behavior and not intervening, but if the interventions haven't worked in 20 years, think about looking at your next twenty years and changing yourself. He sounds pretty content.

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So true, good point. Thank you

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As a retired professional, let me add that we do walk away when people don't work with us. Look around, lots of people don't straighten up and fly right. What you need to learn from your parents is that people who continue to make self-destructive decisions lead lousy lives in others' views. Apply it to yourself and move on. You are never going to be real easy with watching your father's behavior and not intervening, but if the interventions haven't worked in 20 years, think about looking at your next twenty years and changing yourself. He sounds pretty comfortable.

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So very sorry you are going through this dreadful experience. The good news is that you've had an epiphany and decided enough is enough. Time to reclaim your life but with baby steps because you've "been gone" for a while. Do something that brings you joy no matter how small. Treat yourself to a mani-pedi or a facial. Join a group of folks that hike, eat out, do yoga or whatever to gradually build yourself a little community. I love the inspiring and comforting poetry of Donna Ashworth, especially "To The Woman Who Is Slowly Fading Away". Your Dad is on his own journey/path and will continue to do these things. Perhaps you can move him into an AL where responsible folks can look out for him. It's never too late to start again. Good luck and don't beat yourself up.

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Well put... there has definitely been an epiphany. My post doesn't include all of the examples of last straws from the last couple of years. I looked up the quote... thank you so much for telling me about it. It's inspiring and true. I feel like my father (and my mother when she was alive would) always stomp out that spark. Thank you for the encouraging words. I hope you have a good weekend.

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Want to say thank you for sharing! I'm new to this forum and I can identify with some of your issues. We are not alone is a helpful take away!

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Thanks for taking the time to read it and comment. I'm so sorry you can relate. I hope some of the really great feedback everyone has given can help you too. Sending good vibes your way!

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Dear mmm777: I’m so sorry U are going thru this for most of your life. Self-care is essentially needed for you. Reach out in support groups, meditation, breathing exercises, yoga, walking, writing in a journal…..etc. You are still so young.
Are you married and have your own family? CareGiver burnout ……we all go thru this with our elderly parents. It’s ok to say “I don’t want to do this anymore….. tough love”. Does anyone else have a solution to this situation???😰😰😰

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I know it’s hard. I have been in your shoes so I understand. I do have my own family but was raised by a mother who is bipolar, has made a lifetime of impulsive bad choices and abused my siblings and I. We had no other adult family members in our lives after my grandmother & father passed. I have repressed anger and sadness about her choices and how she has ended up. (An addict with no family or friends) she has cut ties from everyone. It’s incredibly sad. I have moved her across country to a safe assisted living and she has no appreciation or shows no gratefulness. Just keeps demanding more.
I am trying to learn that I cannot stress about the the things I cannot change or control. I cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves.
But, it’s still very hard (especially when it’s your own parents)
Take time for your self!
self help! We only have 1 life to live!
wishing you the very best

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It’s easy for people to tell you to walk away but a whole lot harder to do it. Your father is 83 and you will come back into the picture eventually because you are the only next of kin. I suggest that you start small by not helping him out of his next scrape at all. Let him struggle with the consequences of his own decisions. As others have said, if he wants to be in charge of his own decisions, let him be in charge of the consequences of those decisions. Do not help him do anything unless he asks you to do it and do only what is asked. Start a low process of withdrawing from him. Call less, come by less, make yourself less and less available. Wait a while before returning his calls. Tell his creditors that you are not responsible for his debts and to deal with your father directly. Get a better job, join groups and do whatever you can to stay busy and distracted from worrying about him. Redecorate your own house with things you like and enjoy. Get as much physical exercise as you can and try to find a partner if you don’t have one now. Concentrate your efforts on making the best life you can. Self actualization pays a lot more dividends than talk therapy. You’ve already done that yet you are still in a classic role reversal with your father. The only way to stop doing something is to stop doing it. Change your pattern now. You will still be forced to look after your father but your goal is to free yourself psychologically from his degrading grasp and put enough distance between you to gain some objectivity about the ways you have been manipulated and controlled all your life by your dysfunctional parents. Your father will pick up on the change almost immediately and do everything he can to drag you back into whatever relationship suits his narcissistic pattern. This is where having an active therapist to keep you on track could help. I wish you all the lick in the world. This forum is an ideal place for people who are having the kind of problems you describe.

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I'm new to the forum, thank you for your feedback! Didn't realize how bad I needed this,

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I think you need space from your father after helping him avoid liability on the unauthorized credit card charges by the agency workers. He can report to the police and credit card companies this is a crime and elder abuse.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. I really think you are right. I've helped him get out of quite a few messes. Now, I have stress related illnesses and need to focus on being healthy (physically & mentally) again.

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How do you heal after almost a lifetime of difficult care and demands from your older, mentally and physically unhealthy parents?

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