Sorry for the long post---My stepmother has Parkinson's and dementia and in October 2018 I moved in with my father to help take care of her because she started not allowing him to take her to the bathroom or give her a shower, etc. Since I have been here things have gotten drastically worse. She is 100% dependant for everything except walking. She walks around and talks nonsense to herself all day and night. She has had a few major seizures and has minor ones frequently throughout the day. She refuses her medication. We switched to liquid to try to put it in ensure or other drinks, or applesauce, but usually she can taste it and won't drink it. Some days she eats, but never very much. I have tried discussing options with my dad for assistance but he refuses to admit he needs help. I am a mother of 2 and work full time and am in school so I cannot provide the amount of help he needs. He is 73, diabetic, has had heart issues previously and now he is never sleeping because she is never sleeping. Anytime I bring up having a caregiver come or assisted living places he immediately gets defensive and says he can take care of her himself. Sometimes he loses his patience and gets mad at her for not being able to feed herself or pouring her drink out because she literally is just gone mentally, and he says he isn't going to let her become an invalid, even though he knows that's where this road leads. I am going to be moving out in the next couple of months and just wonder how I can make him see he needs professionals. She won't let me shower her either anymore and I refuse to forcefully take her clothes off and make her shower. He does it, but she fights back and he ends up looking like he got into a fight because he is on blood thinners so he bruises and bleeds very easily. I've never dealt with these illnesses before and just feel at a total loss. I don't know what to expect or how to help and need some guidance. Any advice or stories that relate would be much appreciated.
Unfortunately it is a catastrophic event that makes people see what is needed.
Could you contact your local Senior Services, Senior Center or Adult Protective Service and explain that your Dad needs help caring for his wife and he refuses help. They may step in and tell him that if he does not accept help they will have to take over the situation.
I know this is a very drastic move but it sounds like your Dad may be one of the statistical ones that I read about a Caregiver dying before the person they are caring for.
And I know it would probably break your heart to make a call like this but it is like calling the police on a friend that is leaving a bar drunk but refuses to give up his keys. It is that or you watch the "train wreck" in slow motion.
Sometimes you gotta hurt the ones you love. (Your dad ever spank you saying...this is gonna hurt me more than it will you? )
Good luck keep us posted.
I'll be praying for all of you. For you to have the courage to do what needs to be done, come what may, and for him to love her enough to come to his senses and do right by her.
Because calling the authorities may hurt like the dickens, but imagine how you'll feel if you don't. Blessings to all of you.
I would consider just how involved you want to get into this matter. Because, it could be a long term commitment on your part. Even, if you got your step mother admitted to a MC or SNF, your father would have the option of having her come back home, the minute you turned your back. I'd get a consult with an Elder Law attorney to see what your options are to get legal authority. They can explain what evidence you need, the costs, the process, etc. and why your father is not able to take that role.
I'd also inquire about the duty you may have if you move out, knowing MIL's condition and the fact that father cannot care for her. I'd ask for guidance on how to relieve yourself of any obligation. Notice to APS might be appropriate.
Such a pretty name.
It’s completely obvious that you care deeply but it definitely seems like she needs professional help. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.