How do you help a parent deal with loneliness?

You don't mention if you live local to your mom. Even if you don't I think her behavior warrants a physical exam by her doctor. She may be exhibiting symptoms of a UTI, especially if this behavior seems like a sudden change. UTIs in the elderly are extremely common and frequent (often not completely related to hygiene) and often have no other symptoms than personality, behavior or cognitive changes. She is probably not even experiencing pain when urinating (yet) or is cognizant of any urgency. This can be cleared up with antibiotics.

Then her hand-washing due to "bugs"...this does not seem like the typical OCD behavior because she is thinking or seeing bugs. Typical OCD is driven by mental/inner messages, not because they are imagining bugs. Is your mom on any medication? It is possible she may be over- or under-dosing. Doc also needs to verify this.

It is possible that your dad was "covering" for your mom's deficits or decline and you are now seeing it for what it is. Again, there are many possibilities and you will need to sleuth it out and NOT take her word for it -- this requires a visit of at least a week (if you are not local).

If you don't live close to her I think you or a trusted family member (and preferably someone with her medical PoA) take her to the doctor and figure out what is going on. It may be more than grief. She is too young to have dementia. I wish you all the best as you begin to help her and peace in your heart.

One thought that came to me is she is still grieving and with the social distancing, closing of community groups, restaurants, movie theaters and all the rest of the things that we would do when we got together with friends.
This makes the isolation even worse.
If everything checks out health wise it may be possible that she needs something to do, something to give her purpose. I think continuing with counseling is a good idea. If there is a place where she can volunteer or better yet if she can get a part time job (keeping safety in mind) that might make her feel better.
My Husband died in 2016 and if I did not have my Volunteer activities and friends that I bolster and they bolster me I would go crazy. I do have my daughter (step daughter actually..but I hate that "step" term) and grand kids that I am with a lot.
All that activity helps tremendously.
She might even want to take a course or two at the local community college. Many can be done on line.
(by the way get thyroid checked out and vitamin D)

old. This day in time where everyone lives longer, 63 is deffiently not old!

It is very lonely living alone..

Is there a reason she can not move in with you?

Can she have a Roommate?

If not, can she move somewhere where she can?

Is she able to spend a night with you once a week to give her something to look forward to?

Dones she still drive her own car or does she just sit at home all day?

Have you considered getting her an emotional help Pet?

Does she have any other Family Members, Friends, Church Members, that could visit her, maybe have it scheduled where she would get a visitor every day?

Does she have a Hobbie...plenty to keep her occupied and entertained?
like puzzles, paint by number, coloring, beads for making jewelry, knitting or crocheting, reading material?

Dones she have a computer to keep in touch with people or to just occupy her time or make friends on Facebook, ect?

Does she go to Church where she can make some nice friends and have others to talk to?

When is the last time she's been on even a mini vacation?

Is she capable of signing up and going on a vacation for Singles Only?

Seach for a Senior Group where the Spouse has died or just a Senior Singles Group that she can join.

What about Volunteer work?

Prayers

I think the bugs are a sign of things to come and so is the increase in contact. Both suggest early signs of dementia (to me) and I would try again to get an assessment done. Some types of dementia are really helped with early treatment which can delay the onset and calm anxiety.
If you weren't talking about delusional thinking then I suppose the phone calls could be put down to loneliness but from my experience several calls a day is also a sign.

Good luck!

I have to ask, why does she live at an assisted living home at age 63? There must be more too the story?

My MIL, age 84 lives independently and is in contact with her children several days a week by email, phone, Facebook, and messenger along with a few surviving siblings and friends. She really stays engaged with Facebook and likes to play games on her computer. She also watches the television and always has a radio on as a companion.

My own mom has 30 years on yours and she prefers independent living in her own home and stays busy cleaning and a couple of her children go shopping for her and help her out with some needs like banking and home maintenance. I see her about 3 times a week and a few neighbors will come by to say hi from a distance.

Something doesn't add up for someone at age 63 to be in an assisted living situation.

I read your profile and what you wrote about your mother's issues which surprised me for someone who is only 63. You wrote age related decline... which at 63 is unusual. You also wrote, Incontinence, diabetes, anxiety and depression were issues. When was the last time she had a medical exam? She should be reevaluated and perhaps medication could help with her anxiety and depression. Even if she is currently on meds, patients sometimes need those changed as they become less effective. I agree with others here who say that she should be evaluated for dementia. She is very young to be in such decline and something isn’t right. If she is a diabetic this often is implicated in dementia as well, does she follow a proper diet, does she have her numbers checked. What is her A1C? lastly do you have medical POA for her? If not, you need to get it.

You state she lives in an independent living community. Most of them have lots of activities to participate in, is she doing so? You could talk to the activity director to personally invite her to some of them to get her involved. You could go with her if you live near and it’s on a day you can attend. I used to go with my dad to things sometimes.

Your mother is not mentally well based on your description. She needs to be evaluated ASAP, because she could have dementia or a psychiatric disorder.

Something doesn’t sound right. This is not normal grief. Does the independent living facility have social work services and a visiting doctor? Some do. But she needs to be seen by a doctor to assess for any and address physical issues, and then be seen by a mental health professional. Complicated grief and stress can be very hard on a person, but she needs help getting back to her baseline behavior. She may deny any concerns to a doctor or social worker. I had to slip a note to the doctor when I first found my mother in a bad situation because she would deny anything was wrong. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

As others have said, a complete and thorough physical exam is in order, to which I would add B12 and folate level tests. A B12 deficiency can result in odd sensations in the skin, as well as delusional behavior (which often shows up even before blood levels are deficient).

It would help to know the nature of her vision problems as well. If she is suffering vision loss, she may be developing Charles Bonnet Syndrome, especially if she is seeing bugs or any other repetitive patterns, or strange objects/creatures/people. You didn't mention her actually seeing bugs, so I don't know if this is the case.

I bring up these things because my mother developed all of the same conditions (except for the diabetes) at about the same age, and they worsened until she died late last year at 88. I am now 63 and have experienced the odd skin sensations and even seen bugs on the walls when there weren't any. Fortunately, my regular B12 injections (with an oral supplement in between) take care of that. And though I'm visually impaired, it's corrected with glasses, so I don't think CBS is to blame at this point.

Make sure she's eating right, too, and/or taking vitamins. Too many people suffering from depression and/or extended grief just don't adhere to a proper diet, and that can wreak havoc on the system.

If she is unable or unwilling to be socially active, isolation and sensory deprivation may be contributing to her issues as well... In short, there's a lot going on there, and your concern is well-founded, especially at your mother's relatively young age. Go with your gut feelings and get her checked out. Best wishes.

Your mom seems really young not to have any health issues and living in a senior community.  I am still working with folks her age...my husband is 67 and still working full time. Was your father a lot older than your mom? She is probably not going to meet anyone her own age in a community like that.   Too much time on your hands when you're still young and healthy is not a good thing.  I have not read all of the postings below so if there is information I am missing, I apologize.

She needs a purpose...Suggest that she volunteer or get a part time job.  Join a yoga or stretching class at the gym.   Help her look on line to see if there is a group of ladies that walk every morning or something along those lines.  Book clubs are very popular for all age groups. Does she have any friends?  I know things are a bit crazy right now with covid, but she needs to stay active and engaged with people while she still can.  You can't be her sole source of connection to the outside world. 

I have to tell you that the "bugs in the hair" bothers me.  I feel like there might be other issues going on.  Taking her to a doctor who specializes in "healthy brain" issues might be a good start.

Good Luck LoveBug

She's doing that because she misses you and needs to hear a voice. Could the feeling of bugs be due to stress?
Would she be willing to go to adult day care or join a local senior group? Of course she'll probably have to wait until covid is over but it might help. Does she have a church? They sometimes have programs for seniors.

Please have her checked by her primary care doctor. She is having skin sensation problems that feel like "bugs." Nutritional deficiencies have been noted by others, but she needs a comprehensive exam to rule out other factors.

As for the amount of phone calls, loneliness seems to be the problem. The only cure is getting involved with others: church, discussion groups, hobbies... She may do better in an interactive group or find some way to volunteer. If more activity with others doesn't seem to help. Please get her to see a geriatric psychiatrist. Depression is very common in seniors.

Loneliness takes a toll on people, young and old. It is concerning and you’re great for making time to take your mom’s calls- she needs that reassurance.
Is there a window out her room where you can place bird feeders, or space inside where you can put a big fish tank or something (with permission, of course)? Sometimes watching animals or fish can be calming and a nice way to spend some time. Others may enjoy too and people can converse or not, but still enjoy watching near others. Just an idea. I feel for you- it hurts, I know.

This sounds like formication. It is generally a nerve issue, it can also be a medication side affect. Please have mom checked out.

Is there some reason why your mother is not making new friends or finding activities that interest her? What is she capable of doing? Maybe she could find a church or volunteer situation where she could help others. It might be sewing or knitting or making phone calls to people who are homebound. You have not described any health or mental conditions that would prevent her from being able to be useful.

There is more to life than just sitting around waiting for other people to keep you company.

The excessive hair washing sounds like a mental health issue and her doctor is an idiot if s/he hasn't made any effort to refer her to an appropriate doctor, IMO she needs something other than grief counselling As for the loneliness...

Boredom and empty days exacerbate loneliness, she needs to figure out how to fill her days without using you as the stop gap. My suggestions -
A hobby.
Take a class (in real life or virtually)
Going back to work, even part time, would give her a reason to get up every day.
Hanging out on line (like I'm doing right now).
Daily exercise (This doesn't need to be something elaborate, I walk a couple of miles every day).
Reading.
Volunteering.
Joining a club.
She may benefit from a move to a community that offers her more opportunities to be with old friends if she's never made any connections there.

I am 66. I am dealing with medical issues that I was born with. My kids don't live close now. I just moved over 2 hours away from my daughter. When I was closer I would see her about an hour and a half every 5 weeks. She was "busy". I just moved where I could be more active socially.
I don't call my 2 every day. They wouldn't answer. When I had major surgery I didn't hear from my daughter for 2 days. When my new Dr. asked if he would get to meet the kids. My daughter said, "Are you trying to guilt trip me?" My son said, "Is there something wrong with you we don't know about? Why would we ever go to a Dr. with you."
I have an emotional support dog. He himself has been through a lot. I have several hobbies. I can't get to the places I need to get things from and often delivery services I use have proven to be inaccurate.
I often feel lack of support and frustrated that many of the "solutions" I have come with are charging more that I can afford, unreliable, or I don't qualify for.
I am not looking for boyfriend girlfriend relationship. I do not want to listen to the TV all day.
I have worked in nursing homes as an activities coordinator. The mental health issues we were taught were
1) isolation
2) lack of choices
3) when people want to visit they will do so on their schedule. It almost feels like a toy on a shelf that gets taken down-played with and when you are tired of it you put it back on the shelf.
Boredom is a terrible thing at any age. Then sometimes not understanding that the other person doesn't have the time or just doesn't make the time is difficult to understand Especially if you are bored.
Even as a person who has more activities and enjoyment in life than most of those around me this covid issue, lack of reliable transportation and no one to just sit around and talk about the issues I am facing as a senior is driving me a little nuts. I have discussed this with others and without being in a nursing home situation a person deals with income limitations most of the time. People who own their own home have repairs not saved for. People who want to live in an apartment- well that's another story. I have lived in what was supposed to be great housing. I have dealt with illegal landlords, disrespectful neighbors and places that I like where all of a sudden the rent goes up and I can't afford to stay.
I have sought professional help several times. I have talked with the area council on aging in several states. I have not found an answer yet.
So my point is (after all this rambling) is adjusting to life changes are different for all ages. As a senior we realize that ours are not the 16 year olds we can change the world attitude. I know I am very active in peoples lives my self. But, my personal choices are becoming more limited and there options to solve my issues are not as reliable as I would like. I seem to be frustrated over this at the time.
I wonder if this is what your mother is exhibiting in her own way. I wonder if you have the time to set up a couple of "Hey Mom" times a month of let's just do something fun time or I will come over and fix it time that is non-judgemental would help.

63 is very young (says this 60 year-old)! She has to find ways to become active in some way from, as others have suggested, walks to doing something to occupy her mind. I'm taking classes online, volunteering (virtually), doing some work (virtually) for my last job, reading, walking. What are her hobbies or interests? Yes, it is a bummer that I can't socialize in person but I talk to my friends frequently. We have video chats and cocktail hours, etc. Does she have friends in similar situations? Does she drive? Sometimes when I just need to see something other than my home, I take a drive somewhere. I do feel annoyed at the inability to visit and see friends but I keep very occupied. Hopefully, in a few months, we can start to do more things in person, but in the meantime, I'm finding plenty to fill my days.

I can't speak to the feeling of bugs and agree that her doctor should assess the reason for these symptoms.

“When you don’t know what to do, do what you know to do” is my motto. Have you sat down with her and asked her? Sometimes letting someone share helps them arrive at their own answers and allows you to hear their heart. When my Mom passed after a very long and difficult illness, My Dad took it very hard and suffered with empty days, grief and loneliness. I visited him often and spoke to him daily but I could see he was struggling emotionally. Although he was very independent and said he could handle it, I realized that he needed support and socialization. I spoke to a wonderful social worker who suggested a local senior program whose objective was to keep Seniors out of nursing homes and help them live independent thriving lives.
At first my Dad was totally against it saying he didn’t need “old people services!” Lol, Love my Dad!! He was an 86 year old youngster and I respected this. I shared that there are many others who could benefit from his outgoing personality and he would meet new friends. I saw the spark in his eye and he finally agreed to “visit”. He immediately saw the camaraderie available snd after a few visits he was excited to join!
My heart rejoiced that God had opened a door of opportunity for him to have hope and joy back in his life again. My Dad beamed when I would see him at the center snd introduce me to all his new friends. What joy I had! The center was walking distance from where I worked full time allowing me to visit him often. He would attend a few hours 3 times a week where they picked him up in the morning then transported him home after activities, exercise, socialization and lunch. I am so grateful to this center who was an answered prayer and became family to both of us until he passed 3 years later.
My Dad flourished during this time and the peace that I had was immeasurable!
Sometimes just taking the time to listen with the heart, pray and use the resources available are what it takes to change the quality of life for our loved ones no matter what their age!

Have you tried changing her shampoo? I developed an allergy to the shampoo I had been using for years and had issues similar to your Mom's. Try baby shampoo.

Tell her you are worried and ask her if you and her can sit down and come up with ways to enrich her life. She is still so young IMO. I bought shampoo that I had an allergy too and I could feel bugs crawling on my head so it may be that but also should be something the therapist discusses with her.

* BOUNDARIES. She is depending on you as this is what she is comfortable and familiar with - you. You need to set your limits and encourage her / shift the 'calling you' to outreach to others. This is a process as it is new for her. However, if you continue to respond to her 4-5 times a day, it will continue as she will not change w/o your gentle 'insistence' -
TALK TO HER DIRECTLY.
* Ask her how she feels? If she says 'fine,' ask / probe "why are you calling me 4-5 times a day? Do it nicely AND be direct so she will or may be able to connect 'fine' and calling = feeling lonely = need to do something else/more.
- Once you establish with her that she is lonely, offer her alternatives to deal with it. You'll have to do your homework to have 1, 2, 3 possible alternatives ready to discuss instead of reaching out to you, which is an automatic response.
- She may "Yes, but" you. Persist or continue repeating. Although do set your boundaries as this too could be a revolving door since she may be very resistant as she may feel fear, unsure, vulnerable to try something new.

* BUGS. Thinking there are 'bugs' would be a huge signal to me to get your mom checked out medically. It could 'just' be anxiety or it could be something else. Itching is potentially a sign of distress (although you already know she is in distress), anxiety, or something else - or more.
* LOSS / LONELY. While your mom is a few years younger than me (which really doesn't matter), she likely is still mourning / grieving the loss of her husband. My mother, who was a very dependent type, was 'stuck' there in loss and grief. She didn't know how to progress through it. This was her life M.O. It is harder when a person doesn't feel they have 'a life' without the other person.
- She may not know herself without him, Working through her grief (with a professional or you read some websites/books) may help.
- Sounds like she is depressed to me and turning inward (as many of us do in stressful situations). I do.
* STUFFING IN GRIEF.
- She may need to calm her down although stuffing in grief is not good as it is still there. EVERYTHING is still there until it is acknowledged and processed through = healing.
- Mild medication for anxiety.
- Certainly deal with itching with medical prescribed medication. This will drive someone crazy. If the 'itching' is in her mind, you need to investigate.
* COMPANY / SOCIALIZATION.
- See if there are any volunteer agencies (call senior county social services and ask for referrals). She may benefit from a person (or two) calling her on a regular basis, usually weekly) for 'check-ins' - Perhaps an older person who is also widowed might be extremely beneficial so she can identify (and connect with another).
- Also check local colleges / universities for social work, geriatrics, counseling programs to see if they have a volunteer program or if a student can get credit for socialization phone calls.
* ZOOM. Don't know if this is an option. If so, it could open an entirely new world to your mom. I sense she would be 'better' with a peer sho could identify with vs a therapist.
HOBBIES?
- She might need a new hobby ? Or pick up an old hobby, painting, gardening, reading, sewing?
- Do not allow her to get on the internet 'dating apps.' This is potentially dangerous as she is vulnerable. I didn't think I was that vulnerable and I fell hook, line and sinker for a scammer. "IF" dating apps are used, NEVER EVER EVER communicate off or out of the dating app. That was the mistake I made. Scammers do not want to communicate through the app, they want direct email address(es) / contact.
RADIO. Try
- Talk shows are good (for me, KGO AM 810 Pat Thurston in San Francisco bay area.
- music channels.
* MEDITATION. If she is open, try meditating (with her initially) which could be done over the phone. Focus on breathing in - and out. A good exercise is focusing on the breath IN-BETWEEN the in and out breath.
Gena

Touchmatters said it all perfectly. Loneliness is one of the worst pains there is in the world and just perhaps her symptoms are a sign of that psychological pain.

I would also recommend that you read Counting on Kindness, The Dilemmas of Dependency by Wendy Lustbader

Hello, I have a similar problem with my mom losing her site and memory issues. My dad was her world for 57 years. Now I am trying to give her space and be there as well.
Good tips below that I am going to read as well.
Boundaries and taking care of self is number 1.
I agree the 'bugs' might be anxiety, but seek help from counselor at the facility.

Hobbies. You can’t just tell her to go join a club or start a hobby because we know that wouldn’t work. Pick some hobby, club, or volunteer effort that you know she might like & invite her to join you. If she likes it, go with her until she feels comfortable enough to go herself. Don’t just try one thing. If she hates it try something else.
My mom has a couple of home bound seniors that she calls regularly to chat with & check up on. Your town’s senior services org might have a similar list of people she could help. She is really young & it seems like she would be good at that at least. ***While we’re talking about phone calls, tell her this: ANYONE that calls her phone should be considered a scam artist.*** I keep track of scams for a living and at this point we can’t tell seniors what scams to watch out for because they keep evolving. We are at a point where seniors should really not take calls from non family members. Anyhow, good luck!

I'm 63 myself. Your mother sounds like she has too many issues for her age, and there's more here than meets the eye, frankly. Incontinence at 63 is due to what, exactly? If I was wearing Depends now, I'd be at the doctor wanting to know WHY and what I could do to fix whatever problem was causing me to need to wear incontinence products at 63, trust me.

Insisting there are bugs in her hair & washing it to the degree that she's losing it, to me, indicates the possibility of dementia or Alzheimer's setting in. 63 is NOT too young for such a diagnosis to be made, in reality. Incontinence is another symptom of dementia/ALZ as well.

When your mother calls you 4-5x a day, what is she saying? Do you notice memory issues? Is she having any trouble with time or confusion with dates/days of the week? Mild cognitive impairment (MCI) can also include the following symptoms:

Depression.
Irritability and aggression.
Anxiety (which could be the bugs in her hair scenario)
Apathy.

It sounds like she needs a full medical exam and to be tested for cognitive impairment. Also for the incontinence issue to be addressed. Once you know how she's doing physically, you can address how she's doing mentally/emotionally.

It's quite common for people to deny that they are suffering in any way, whether it be from depression or grief or memory loss or illness/emotional discomfort of some kind. The natural response is defensiveness. "Oh I'm fine, I don't need help, pfffft." Meanwhile, she's losing her hair and calling you multiple times a day. There seems to be more at play here than just being lonely; she may be frightened as well, wondering what is happening to her but not knowing how to reach out, or being too scared to hear a diagnosis she doesn't want to deal with. What, by the way, did her counselor have to say about her 'being fine'? Was there any advice imparted on that end, or were you not privy to it?

Once you find out where she stands medically, THEN you can talk about hobbies or socializing and putting herself out there to make new friends, etc. Volunteering is a superb way for a lonely person to get out of her own head and giving back to others. When a woman loses a long term husband, she can sometimes feel useless, like her purpose in life has vanished. What better thing to do than volunteer at a children's hospital, for instance, to give your mother her sense of purpose back. Reading to a child who's gone bald due to cancer suddenly makes your mother feel less sorry for herself and a whole lot more vital and useful as a human being. Amazing what giving back to society can do for a person.

But not till she's seen by a doctor, evaluated, and you know what's going on with her medically. Wishing you the best of luck getting to the root of your mom's distress.

Imho, the thoughts of bugs on her person are concerning enough to warrant being checked out by a medical professional. Prayers sent.

Regarding loneliness, can she talk to others there? Or maybe talk to someone else on the phone.

My dad is lonely too, even with me living with him.
And sometimes I need to run an errand.
I was thinking, maybe he can talk on the phone to someone he knows, like an old friend or a cousin.
Don't bring her home. It won't help, and will take over your life.

I wish you all the best

As The others have said... Your mom is very young... I didn't see anything about incontinence.. but I see it mentioned in a response... Have you checked out the bug situation at her new place? Maybe there are bugs there ...Is she on new medications since going there that could elicit this side effect? Regarding her loneliness... Does she participate in the social events there? If not I would speak with the activity director and see if they could make an effort to invite her and also to inquire about things that she is interested in...

Most facilities have a social service person who could assist you as well. So many changes for your mom...

I Hope you can get to the bottom of these things and she can feel comfortable there...