How do you keep your sanity?

First of all, I so relate to your query: How does one keep their sanity while in the throes of caregiving? I think it is incredibly difficult frankly speaking. I want to also tell you I am so sorry for everything you and your husband have been and are currently facing!!! I am so sorry about your husband's diagnosis and certainly pray your husband can be ok. I agree with some of the other advice that you and your husband need to go ahead and ensure affairs such as POA are in order - to safeguard more stress. I am so glad to hear that you have some respite care a few times per week. It is obvious that you are experiencing emotional fatigue and it is important to be honest with your feelings and honor them. Maybe increase the respite care if possible and do not feel guilty if you guys need to place your MIL in a facility. Sometimes there is simply not a perfect solution and you and your husband need your time.

Since he has a terminal diagnosis, it is time to talk to a lawyer about who will "take care of mom" when he passes. If not you or one of your children, then make plans to have the courts appoint somebody to take over this responsibility - now! Let this person help you with getting her placed so will be cared for in case he passes first. Then, you can focus on caring for your husband.

God bless your soul! First of all, get your mother-in-law into a facility especially if she is acting violent, disrespectful, and causing you so much stress. Get her out of the house into a facility immediately. Your husband is your no. 1 priority NOT her!
You will have to take your husband to doctor appointments, possibly radiation or chemotherapy, picking up medication at pharmacy, preparing meals, being his caregiver plus some how take care of yourself too! Please do yourself a favor look into a facility for your mother in law. I wish you the best & Stay strong. Stay in touch too!

My brother in law had glioblastoma. Now is the time to concentrate on your husband's bucket list and it is all about you and your husband.

Call 911 if MIL gets a UTI, falls, a cough, bedsores etc. Anything you can call 911 on do so. When the ambulance come tell the workers that your husband has brain cancer and you cannot manage MIL.

Let the ER and hospital figure things out and they can route her to a facility.

Fmpass0912: Without a doubt, your husband is the priority here. Perhaps you can speak to your town's COA (Council on Aging's) social worker in order to get your MIL placed in an assisted living. You simply CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT care for both.

First thing to do is to place your husband's mother in a facility. Your husband's care is a priority. You are in extreme multiple emergencies' crisis. By now you should have sought professional help to sort and juggle out your other multiple events by priorities. Much prayers for your comfort! Keep our forum updated on our progress.

Your distress is certainly justified and, your concerns appropriate.
These are all appropriate concerns to discuss with both your husband's physician and/ or your MIL ' S physician ; as well the POA concerns should be addressed legally since , your husband could die first before his mother. While your husband is cognitively alert and able is the time to address the POA situation.

As for the 100 yo MIL, she very well could outlive her son . Her physician may be able to refer you to a case manager who can help look at options for ALL of your well being.

Also, if you practice a faith , speaking with your clergy may provide good support while you are assessing with the physicians and or case manager options.

Prayers for you all.

Your mother-in-law may be aware of your husband's diagnosis or may be aware of a new tension in the household because of the diagnosis, but unable to communicate her concern. People with dementia can be aware of issues in a family, but unable to understand what it is and unable to communicate this awareness. They may not even be aware that they are aware of something going on in the family. Like you and your husband, your mother-in-law has been through a lot in the last year and her acting out and behavior challenges may be a result of this. This can be very difficult to deal with.

Given your husband's condition, it may be best to move your mother to a memory care facility where she will get the help she needs and be able to make some friends. It is often better to keep the person with dementia blissfully unaware of the events happening around them as they are unable to process and remember new information. If you are able to afford private pay memory care, you can move your MIL anytime. You do not need a medical reason to move her. Find a place that is acceptable to your husband as he is the one who may feel guilty about moving your mil. Have your husband sit down with your mil and tell her that he can see she is not happy living with you and he wants her to be happy and have friends. Have him try to phrase it in such a way that she thinks it is her idea or a good idea. The representatives of the memory care home you choose will be able to help you with some phrasing. Your local area agency on aging or Alzheimer's Association should be able to put you in touch with various communities or an agency that finds combinations for seniors.. Don't just choose any agency as some are just trying to meet move-in quotas. Make sure the agency is looking out for your family and that they are up front with all costs and deposits. Consider the different types of community is your mothers can can live in – – there are a lot of options beyond nursing homes and memory care facilities.

Your husband will feel guilty about this move. We all do. I did the same with my mom and it turns out she's much happier living in a memory care place than she was living at home. She has more freedom and independence living there than she ever did living with her family.

Wow - my heart goes out to you. So much grief in such a short time. You want more time with him and I am guessing that being an only child (and being ill himself) he can’t bring himself to move his mother to a NH. Hopefully you can talk to him and find out how he really feels. He would be able to visit his mother and she would get 24 hour care. He will not have to worry about her. You and he would have more time together and he would have a reason to get out of the house to go see her and maybe have lunch with you. No matter what he decides, what will be the plan for her if he cannot act on her behalf? Is there a plan? Who has POA if he can’t do it? That needs to be planned now if it isn’t already. If it will upset him too much to move her then make the best of what you can. Get out for a walk or a drive or do something with a friend if he won’t go with you. Sorry you are in this tough spot.

When you say “we really feel…” does that mean your husband is on board with his mother going into a NH? If so and he has all of the durable authority I agree you should put your efforts right now into finding a NH for her and talk to her doctors and the NH about the best way to get her there. Telling her that her son is very ill and you need to be able to put your full focus on him but that seems cruel, however maybe there is some form of that you or your DH could tell her that would make her want to help by moving to a facility “at least for now”. You know her cognitive ability far better than I do but maybe a fib to get her out long enough to move some of her things in to the facility you choose and then take her “home” there, so much depends on where her mind and memory are but as long as DH is on board you need to do whatever it is to get her situated elsewhere. Then you and DH can visit as much as you want or are able but have the space and surroundings to focus on his treatment and quality of life.

It of course would be a good idea to see an attorney and make sure your husbands affairs are in order with all the necessary paperwork (DPOA, health care directives etc) and see if you can be given the legal ability to care for MIL and her needs somehow in the event he isn’t able unless that has already been set up and she has a back up or secondary representative.

I can’t even imagine how difficult and stressful the last year has been and the future seems, please remember to take care of yourself, it’s as important for your husband as it is for you, try to focus on one thing at a time and clear the way for being able to put all your focus on DH in the coming months. Sending positive thoughts and strength your way.

I’m feeling for you. My mother whom was my dad’s caregiver died last October exactly one month later my brother died from Covid.
My sister and I are left to take care of my 93 year old father. Sister is not well and lives two hours away. Comes home as much as she can but not consistently. I left my home and husband and I’m now living at dad’s because he refuses “convalescent “ home. Dad was in the military and I got help with someone coming in a few times a week. APS was called because I took a few extra Xanax and he had a UTI and Covid. I don’t know who called APS. Glad they did. It saved my dad and myself. They set up respite hours so I can get out and chill.
I’m praying for you. But is your MIL or husband was military, please reach out to them.
God Bless and take care.

All great advice here. I've been there, a bizarre series of blows to the point there was nothing else to say, it sounded like some made-up, crazy tale. The big problem is it's all on you, and everything falls apart if you go down. You need help with your two patients, contact an agency and pray they send you someone you won't need to tell every move to make. It will feel strange having someone in the house but I had no choice. Get Mom into a facility. Of course, it will be your job to find a facility. When you're interviewing facilities, ask for help getting her there and moved in. Ignore the grief she dishes out. Tell her it was her idea. Don't argue or try to reason with her, she has lost her negotiating position. Somewhere in this process, you may want to talk to an elder attorney. Once I had someone coming in regularly and hired an attorney, the load was spread out and I felt some relief. I'm praying for you.

I took care of my parents with dementia, and then my husband with Parkinson's disease. They have all died, my husband just three months ago from covid. I am 64 with three grown children. I often think back and cry. The exhaustion, watching them decline, their constant demands on me. It was overwhelming.
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Having said that, I did find time for myself. I got out and walked or ran everyday. I played pickle ball twice a week and I would hire caregivers so I could have dinner with my girlfriends from time to time.

Now that they are gone and I am well rested, I think back about what they had to go through with all their suffering. I think it was hard for them to be kind and show any enthusiasm when they were so sick, incontinent and just mentally not right.

My advice to you is to find an outlet, whatever you like, yoga, walking, etc. Hire caregivers so that you can get out and enjoy life from time to time.

Do not expect kindness and appreciation from those you are caring for, they are not capable!

First get the POA's in your name. Then immediately (as much as that is possible) find a place for her whether it's assisted living or perhaps she needs a memory care placement. Don't delay. Don't ask for everyone to agree. Above all don't give in to feelings of guilt. This is a tough situation. Doing what you feel is best is no reason to feel guilty. Just do it! Enjoy your life and your husband for as long as possible. Missing that would be a much bigger regret than getting her into a place that will care for her.

My heart goes out to you. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes.

can you get a live in caregiver? Maybe someone that you can barter with (place to live for caregiving).

I hear you about the assisted living, but at that age and situation, do it if you absolutely must, but I can see your husband’s guilt over that and that’s why I suggest a live in caregiver first. you don’t have to leave necessarily, just be the manager and let them do the work.

Disclaimer: if you do have any caregiving in your home you have to lock up all your valuables and anything you think precious. don’t trust any face - ever.

and for your sanity, you have to stand up to the belligerent bully. You don’t have to be mean back, just call her on her bullsh*t. She may or may not cooperate, but you will have your sanity for sticking up for yourself. And don’t feel bad about it and don’t let anybody make you feel bad about it. There’s lots of polite ways to stand up for yourself.

I’m so sorry for all those tragedies and problems that you’ve had. I pray God will bless you with merciful good news and help soon.

Why not set an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist for you and your husband? The doctor can educate you two on the medications that will address your MIL's anxieties and offer up the best strategies to placing her in Memory Care. Your husband's separation anxiety can be addressed, too, and you can start planning a nice vacation for the near future: I was just looking at the Italian Riviera (Ligurian Coastline)..................amazing!

When all the chaos is over: I also would like to encourage you to plan a retreat vacation for yourself in the desert: search, "health resorts usa."

Remember the old George Strait song, "You gotta go through Hell to get to Heaven."

so very sorry to hear this my heart goes out to you! I'm going crazy with my husband here, but not as serious as your situation ! God Bless, I agree with the person that said you will have to come up with a story to get her out of the house, since your husband probably knows her better, maybe he could help you with a suggestion!

A convenient lie would get her to assisted living. Find an assisted living facility to which she can go. Furnish the room. Most expect the individual to bring their own furniture and tv and pay for cable.

Then tell her that she has a doctor appointment and take her to the facility. It will have her familiar pictures on the wall and her furniture. At that point it will be her new home. She will have to be told that is where she now lives and that she is to participate in the activities and go to the dining room to eat.

You and her son can visit. If you don’t have POA , it is too late to get it. Your husband will have to make arrangements and an attorney will have to help with a solution.

@Fmpass0912,

You’ve received a whole series of knock-out blows. It’s amazing you’re still standing, but if things continue this way, you soon will be down for the count, too.

You and your husband must take precedence over the 100 year old mother-in-law. I hate to be harsh, but she has had her carefree time for almost 100 years, and since you fear your beloved husband may not be long for this world, you must make changes…they may prolong his life.

The time for letting the MIL hold your household hostage is over.

1. Do not feel trapped in your new house and new neighborhood. You and hubby go out whenever he feels well enough to take a drive, picnic at a lake, or whatever, even when the 3X weekly aide isn’t in the house. Even better yet, go when the aide isn’t there.

2. Soon enough the old gal will have a medical issue (a fall, or a real or fake illness) and you must phone 911 and have her taken to hospital. When release time comes, refuse to take her back as an unsafe discharge. Have her placed where she can get 24 hour supervision, and then your own loving care for your husband can flourish.

3. The above recommendation may sound cold, but your husband’s actual life is at stake here, and if he should die early from the tension and hopelessness of caring for his stubborn mother, your own life will be changed forever.

4. If your dear husband dies early, and your MIL is still ensconced in your home, you still will have to face head-on the ever-increasing caring for his mother. To have recently lost your own sweet pet, your own beloved mother, your own job, possibly soon God forbid your husband, and then have to be 24-hour in-home caretaker of your mother-in-law? Well, that is too much.

5. I am rooting for you to make the hard but necessary changes ASAP so you can devote your loving care to your ill husband.

6. I will be pulling for you, and your husband’s health. May he be cured and then he, and you, have many happy, healthy, joyous years ahead of you.

7. May this be the beginning of a very happy season of life for you and your husband, and may you wave good riddance to the back-end of all your recent sorrows and losses.

Like the other people who posted here, my heart goes out to you. My mom lived with us for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer's, until she passed away at 94. Like your hubby, I, too, am an only child, but my husband was relatively healthy, so he could help me with my mom. I want to bring up a new issue for you, though. if your husband has Power of Attorney, I wonder if you should talk to an elder care attorney, to find out if you or someone else can be named as Power of Attorney, should your husband no longer be able to carry out that responsibility. If your MIL has dementia, I'm not sure if she can legally make that decision. As grown kids, we have so many things to deal with. Best of luck with everything.

I am at the end of my rope with my mom and my situation is not as stressful as yours.
What your MIL wants is beside the point. Firstly, because this is your life. And your husband’s and your MIL has had hee life at 100. Secondly, she has dementia and is not capable of making these decisions. Place her in a facility near your home where you and your husband can visit regularly.
She may even enjoy the community of her fellow residents.
Sending you and husband a hug. It is not selfish to draw living boundaries.

Can't say too much more than what has already been posted.

Sounds like she's fighting to stay alive - as is mine - and thus fearing the world outside.

Lie to her! "The doctors want to heal something that may be shortening your life!..." She gets in the car, and you drive her to the pre-designated assisted living or nursing home facility. Even if temporarily.

The goal is to put her in good hands as you and hubby spend precious time together. You two can visit her.

Then, should you find it appropriate, bring her back to home.

I say this with love. Move her anyway. You have been devoted to her care for a long time and your husband deserves some peace. (As do you) Hugs and wishing you better days ahead

You put her in a wheelchair and wheel her out the door. See if the Senior bus in your area will transport her to the AL. Then wheel her in to her room. A woman I know the AL/MC helped her with a roommate who was out of hand. They got her to the MC and started her on Meds. Doctors own this AL/MC. See if an AL could help you.

Fmpass0912, oh my gosh you have been though a lot of emotions in such a short time frame.

Usually adult children who are caring for a parent have to wait until there is a medical emergency with their parents..... a call to 911, hospital stay, then rehab stay. That is the time where most of us are able to get our parent into Assisted Living, Memory Care, or a Nursing Home depending on the parent's budget.

If an adult child can get a parent into senior care, we usually tell a "therapeutic fib" saying the senior care is an extension of rehab, that the parent will stay until the doctor says it is ok for them to go home. That going home time never comes, because we can still use therapeutic fibs to delay.

Perhaps start with your and hubby's doctor(s). His health is being compromised by the stress of caregiving; yours too. Then mom's doctor should refer to care management/social work to get her moved somewhere safe.

Sometimes a person will do things for strangers they won't do for family members; would MIL go out with one of the caregivers? Perhaps then they could escort her to her doctor for a checkup and then on to an ALF waiting to receive her. ?