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My mom 86-year-old mom died in a car accident in September 2023. She was living in her home with a roommate. I lived about an hour away and coordinated everything for her virtually or by phone and would bring her to stay with me most weekends. Even though my mom was overall healthy and happy I blame myself for her sudden death because she was aging at home and I feel like I should have taken care of her better. I know I did my best, but it feels like I fell short as she died in a tragic way. How do I forgive myself from this guilt? I feel like mom could have lived until her 90’s.

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I’m so sorry. Grief comes out in many ways and guilt feelings are part of it, despite u having NOTHING to feel guilty about. Sounds like u treated her well and spent time with her most weekends. It is a shock. I recommend grief counseling to sort through some of the emotions.
So sorry for your loss! I lost my father in April.
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waytomisery Oct 2023
So sorry Xena .
(((hugs)))
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So sorry for your sudden loss .
You did not cause that accident . Sounds as if you were taking excellent care of your mother .
You are a loving caring daughter .
I’m sure your mother appreciated everything you did .
A car accident can happen to anyone at any time .
You are not guilty , you did nothing wrong . It is common to have the “ If only ….” in the beginning of grieving .
Have you thought of going for grief counseling ?
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Grievingmymom79 Oct 2023
Thank you for your kind words. I really loved taking care of mom and her loss is hard to bear. I’m seeing a therapist weekly to deal with the trauma of mom’s death.
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Please don’t blame yourself! Losing your mom is hard enough without torturing yourself.

If you believe she is in Heaven now, stop and consider how she feels. Is she looking at your soul— because now she can see your true heart, even better than you can— and angry at you? Blaming you? NO! Her life here ended but her love cannot end; it’s not possible! Don’t put limits on her love by torturing your own dear soul. I can’t imagine she would be okay with you feeling what is ultimately not true.

I think when people blame themselves for a death, it’s because they just can’t yet accept their loved one ‘chose’ to leave them. You weren’t ready, but no one is ever ready to lose a parent. It takes time to accept that SHE was ready, that it was her time, and she wouldn’t leave if she didn’t think you’d be okay. ❤️
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Grievingmymom79 Oct 2023
I do believe in Heaven. I know my mom wouldn’t have blamed me. She always told me how thankful she was to have my sister and I support her. I hope I can let her words sink in. I’ve also dreamed about her and she is happy when I see her. It seems like she is okay, but I’m missing her so much. I hope someday I will be okay too.
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How can you blame yourself for your moms death when it is God and only God who has the final say as to when He will call us Home?
You did do your best, and you said yourself that your mom was overall healthy and happy, and that is a blessing for sure, as a lot of folks as they get older are in poor health and miserable.
Your mom left this world just as God intended, in good health and happy, knowing she had a great daughter who loved her dearly.
It's better than the alternative where you perhaps would have had to go years with her suffering and miserable and in poor health where you could do nothing to change it.
Our time here on earth is written in God's Book of Life, and it was your moms time to go be with Him. You now have another angel who will be looking out for you until you meet again.
But in the meantime, please seek out a Grief Share group in your area, to help you sort out what you're feeling.
May God bless you and keep you, and give you His peace in the days, weeks and months ahead.
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sp196902 Oct 2023
I have to strongly disagree with this statement that god has the final say in when a person dies. With this logic then god decides who will die a terrible death of starvation, or from cancer eating their body from the inside, or rape, murder, strangulation, car accidents, slip and falls, suffocation, random accidents.

Yes we are all born to die but surely god is not prolonging the suffering and agony of all human beings who are slowly and painfully dying just because their date of death isn't up yet. That would be cruel and inhumane and certainly something more align with a serial killer rather than a just, and loving god.

The reality is that the human body is programmed to live even in the most seemingly gruesome and painful of circumstances. It is the bodies job to keep the host alive at any and all costs to the human being residing in said body.

Why would the OP feel guilty about mom dying in a car accident? How is a car accident death the OP's fault for not taking better care of her mother? Is it because mom was unsafe behind the wheel and the OP feels like they should have done more to take moms keys away from her?

That isn't on OP if that is why she feels the guilt for this. Sometimes it take a little bit to get an elder to stop driving and OP can't blame themselves but they can be glad mom didn't kill an innocent person if this scenario is why OP is feeling guilty.
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Sadly, deadly car and other accidents happen everyday to every sort of person. I am glad to hear that you are in therapy to deal with such a sudden, shocking loss.

It sounds like you and your mother had a very close bond. I’m sure she felt very lucky to have such a caring child. 😊

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved mom.
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Grievingmymom79 Oct 2023
Thank you. Yes, Mom and I were very close. She was my confidante and supported me to be the best wife and mom I could be.
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I don't even understand your post. Were you driving the car? Did you run into your mother's car with your car? Did you ask your mom to drive to the store for a pack of smokes? Exactly why are feeling guilty?
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Grievingmymom79 Oct 2023
I wasn't driving her car. My mom couldn't drive so her roommate would help her run her errands and that is how she passed away, running an evening errand with her roommate. I guess the guilt comes from me thinking I should have done more errands for her so she wouldn't have had to rely on her roommate or thinking that maybe aging in place wasn't the best idea because it meant I wouldn't be able to meet all of mom's needs myself and I had to trust other people to help her.
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So sorry for your loss but there should be no guilt. Seems to me Mom was able to be independent and even had a roommate to help with bills. Seems she lived her life on her terms and was healthy enough to do it. She spent weekends with you which was nice. I don't understand where the guilt comes in. The accident is not your fault.

You need to look at the fun times you and Mom had. Rejoice in that she was healthy and able to enjoy life. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Its grief that your experiencing.
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Grievingmymom79 Oct 2023
Thank you. I'm hoping I can find a way to release the guilt and celebrate Mom more soon. She was an amazing person who lived a good life, but yes I'm in the grief pit where I'm questioning everything and unable to focus on more of the good times.
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My brother suffered a serious accident that led to his diagnosis of Lewy's dementia. He said AFTER the accident that he "knew something was wrong" but didn't want to face the loss of his car, his last little place and simply didn't want to face it and didn't want to know. He was so relieved he didn't kill or hurt anyone with his accident, but he did wish very much that he had died in it. As it turned out we had to face down his diagnosis, his move to ALF, his living there for some time knowing he was on the long downhill slide. He did it with courage and aplomb, but when he died about one and one half years later of sepsis, with the help of hospice, he was relieved to go, relieved not to have to face more.

You have said you did what you could do at the time. You need to accept that and move throough the grieving process. Your mother would not want this for you and your blaming yourself does her no honor. She would want you to move on with a quality life, knowing just how short it can be.

Your Mom had a good life. I am sorry that she is gone. Grieving her loss is a normal thing that has no answers, that must be "got through". If you need help do go for grief support and grief counseling which can be done on line, in person, or in groups. If there are none, try to arrange some through your community or faith based groups.

Again, I am so sorry for this loss. You are not alone in your loss or in your feelings. Time alone is, to my mind, the great healer. You will always have some feelings about this, but concentration of a celebration of a life well lived, having to give up very little, and having your support was to my mind a good life.
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Grievingmymom79 Oct 2023
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. It's hard that there are no answers to why my beautiful mom had to die so suddenly. I hope that I can move through this dark period to celebrate her more. I know in my heart that her life is about so much more than the way she died, but I'm still stuck a little over a month later.
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The only way you should feel any "guilt" (misused G word) or I should say responsibility for your mothers death is if she were physically or cognitively impaired and should not have been driving and you did nothing to either convince her to quit driving or to remove the keys from her possession.

I am sorry for your loss
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Grievingmymom79 Oct 2023
Thank you. Mom couldn't drive so her roommate would take her on errands and that is how the car accident happened.
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I am sorry about the loss of your mother. Give yourself time to grieve. The feeling of grief can last a long time, and it can come anytime and anywhere. It’s okay. Take this time and as much time as you need to grieve the loss of your mom. Do not replace grieve with guilt.
GUILT has no part in the loss of your mother. She was in a car accident.. you were not involved. DO NOT PICK UP THE GUILT CARD.,
Talk to your mom. Thank her for being your mom and a wonderful person and role model.


i know a retired fireman. Most accidents involving older people will automatically be blamed for the accident. More times than not, they were not at fault.. I hope and pray someone didn’t stick the blame on her just because she was older..

muse this time to say goodbye to mom. Share fun stories.. look at the good and fun times with her..

take that emotion of guilt, give it to God, and ask him to fill it with love, caring, life. You did not cause that.

prayers
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Grievingmymom79 Oct 2023
Thank you for your prayers. Mom was not driving during the accident, her roommate was as Mom couldn't drive. I guess that is part of the guilt. Trusting someone else with Mom and having a tragic event occur. I will continue to work through the grief because it would be comforting to move from guilt/regrets/blame to what I was able to share with my mom. I used to feel proud of the way I supported her and her tragic death has changed it all.
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You allowed your mom her independence at 86 by living as SHE saw fit, rather than insisting on Assisted Living or micromanaging her every move.

Your mom could have lived into her 90s, had this car accident not occurred, but she also could have developed cancer or dementia rendering those last years miserable.

Your mom died happy and living life on HER terms. You should be happy about that and proud of yourself for not impeding her lifestyle. Nothing you DID or did not do caused her death.

My deepest condolences on the loss of your dear mom.
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Grievingmymom79 Oct 2023
Thank you. Mom did say she felt blessed by her life. It’s hard to hang on to that with the grief but maybe someday I will feel that way about everything too.
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