This is so complicated! I have been my mom's caregiver for 8 years. Mom had severe borderline personality disorder, and no one could deal with her but me. I literally gave up my life, and was glad to do so. Mom was the victim of extreme child abuse and I understood her personality disorder, even though it was hellish dealing with it. Despite all of that, my mom really loved the Lord a lot, and she couldn't help who she was. I know she tried. After a severe too weak bout of congestive heart failure and being home on hospice, mom passed away on August 31st 2023. I find that I am not morning for her because I know she is finally free of the terrible mental disorder that plagued her for her entire life. And she was so independent that she hated depending upon me, so now she has her life back again and is with pull-up ones. But even though I find myself not morning, I'm in a tailspin. My life is abruptly changed, I am now 68 years old, and I find myself depressed, even though I don't think I have a reason to. I think it's because my role has changed and all of a sudden I'm free too has anyone else ever experienced this?
Yes, Tekva, your life has changed. The loss of a loved one always, in some fashion, changes our life. Your mom was an integral part of your life and now she’s gone. Even though you say you’re not morning her death, you’re in a tailspin and seem depressed and you don’t think you have a reason to be. How about her death? And could it be grief and not depression? Grief is the natural response to the loss of a loved one. We all grieve differently, maybe this is your way. Grief can cause depression. If your depression/grief is affecting your day to day life (lack of concentration, being tired, lack of motivation), I would suggest a grief support group or professional counseling. If you don’t have those symptoms, maybe a do-it-yourself approach could help. There are some excellent books that address the transition from caregiving to life after.
“How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies” by Theresa Rando is an excellent read. Also, “Resilient Grieving” by Lucy Hone is good. Both of these can help you to relearn your new life after caregiving.
Your feelings/emotions will eventually pass, sooner than later, if you choose. But how you decide to work through her death is up to you.
I wish you well.
You may feel sluggish and purposeless for a while. Don't worry about making any big changes or decisions. Focus on keeping yourself safe and healthy. You may need some "recovery time" that you can't even recognize.
One day you will laugh at something on TV or be really pleased to see a friend at the grocery store. Little bright moments will happen more often. You may begin to think of things you would like to do now that your time is more flexible. Follow up on things you are curious about. Look around your community for things you can do: a class at the Y or volunteering at an animal shelter or joining a book club or a craft group. When you begin to have happier moments more often, you can begin to look for the things that interested you before you began full-time caretaking.
Be kind to yourself. When you are ready, you can find things that interest you and will re-engage you outside the world of the house and the sickroom.
I found that quietly being in nature when life and loss was raw & exhaustedly painful proved the best balm for my heart. Perhaps you can find a quiet little park or parklet, and sit in nature listening to bird calls, seeing light and shadow, enjoying a breeze, and waving to other park-goers. I had to just sit, not walk around, because the (willing) caregiving was so tough that when it ended I felt as if I had been in a car crash and barely survived.
As your heart heals and your emotional exhaustion lessens, you can rejoin the world and participate in-person or on-line in activities you enjoy. Join blogs…you will make so many friends based around the world who, chances are, you will never meet in-person, but they will become great true friends nonetheless.
If you don’t yet feel you want to participate but want to only silently view, I highly recommend old Twitter (now called X) which is spectacular for that. You need not type in one single comment, ever, if you don’t want to, but you can tap the heart (equivalent to a thumbs up) when you enjoy a post or video, and that will encourage the algorithms to offer you more of a similar nature. On X I follow tons of dog and puppy and kitty channels, an otter channel, many zoo channels, tons of archaeology channels, architecture and antique fashions and sewing channels, and so much more. On X if you frequently like what a poster posts, you will see three dots at top right…tap them, and one of them will allow you to follow the poster so you will offered each new post by that poster. You can also block via the three dot access method as well as mute dud posters.
I just looked onto X to make sure of the three dots, and this is the first post on my X page, adorable! I do follow buitengebieden for wonderful nature videos, you might get a laugh from these two naughty siblings:
https://twitter.com/buitengebieden/status/1706896989844046077
Everything will get progressively better for you, I promise.
We all cheer you on. Feel better, then go grab the world!
My favorite is explore.org which offers myriad wildlife viewing options. For example, with their live link I am watching gorgeous bears in rushing water trying (successfully) to catch dinner this minute:
https://explore.org/livecams
Centerville MD grief counseling: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/md/centreville?category=grief
Sounds like you're ready for a journey of self discovery. Please read "Codependent No More." https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/61865476
https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/difference-caregiving-caretaking
You say that you're not mourning, but in reality you are mourning the mom you loved and lost, the life you willingly gave up(which I'm a firm believer no one should ever do that as their life is just as important as the one they're caring for)and are now struggling to get back and the emptiness you now feel.
I would definitely seek out some type of grief counseling. Since mom was under hospice care I know that they offer free counseling for a year, so you may want to check that out.
Other than that I would just slowly start doing the things that you enjoy that you put on hold for way too long and slowly but surely you will find your rhythm and groove again.
I cared for my late husband for 24 1/2 years(though I still tried to maintain a life for myself)and after he died I found myself wandering for quite some time and felt lost and without a purpose. But in time(not overnight)I too found my groove and joy again, as this life is a gift and we are meant to enjoy and make the most of it.
You too will find that again, but for now allow yourself to mourn your losses and be patient and give yourself grace.
God bless you.
May you have peace and happiness
8 years is a long time and it is common to feel at loose ends with these big changes. I recommend finding something that makes you happy, every single day. Whether that is a nice cup of coffee, watching a sunrise, sunset, children playing or whatever brings you a moment of happiness. It truly makes a difference when we actively seek things that make us smile and feel happy, speaking from experience.
I don't know if you are faith-based at all, but many church groups have things you can join in to help others. As your life purpose has been so dependent on doing just that, it may provide an outlet. If you are at all a person of faith (I myself am not) simply joining a church where you did not before have that opportunity perhaps, may bring comfort. If not there are community senior centers in some areas.
A few counseling sessions with a licensed social worker in private counseling practice may help you comb through some goals to start you off. But first just breathe and become more comfortable with being in a whole new place. Stop. Look. Listen. Whether you are out shopping for a meal or anything else, take note of the world around you that you were heretofore too busy for.
I wish you good luck. This isn't an overnight "job".
It took me a good bit of time .
Make some daily , weekly , monthly routines for yourself. I know your previous routine was tied to your mother. Somewhat of a routine helps . Get out and walk everyday. Go to a senior easy exercise or walking group . My local township community center has that for seniors . Good luck . I know it’s such a lost feeling . You forgot how to live your own life . You can always speak to a therapist as well .
I wish you peace.
I never did figure out what word was meant.