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I find myself so annoyed and irritated with my mom... and it seems like for no valid reason. She’s not demanding or super needy— she really just sits there and watches TV. She can’t really take care of herself with a broken shoulder and being a huge fall risk, so she does need some assistance... but I find myself getting so upset and angry with her. Mainly when I’m asking questions about how to handle her past due bills or what’s going on with this account or her house payments... and it’s like she’s not even worried about it. And it’s like she’s either not listening or can’t follow what I’m talking about. I’ll ask a question and she’ll respond but it’s like she didn’t understand what I asked or when I tell her she needs to find out something she instantly say “I don’t know “... I know you don’t know, I’m saying I need you to find out”. At this point I’m infuriated and I catch myself raising my voice... it’s like dealing with a toddler some days. It’s not every day but still.... And I don’t know how to handle it!! Why am I so angry and hateful?? and annoyed?? Why do I not understand that she’s 71 and aging?? What’s wrong with me???

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Because it is frustrating when you feel like you care more about them than they do.

Is she mentally cognizant? If yes, maybe she needs to handle her bills. My dad does the same thing with stuff he doesn't want to talk about. Uurrrgghh!

71 is not old, so take a close look at what she can and should be doing and let her do it.
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againx100 Sep 2019
"Because it is frustrating when you feel like you care more about them than they do."

Isn't that the truth??!! I try to get me mom to do her exercises and take better care of herself, etc. It's like she just doesn't care and is only 76, but an old 76. She doesn't want to do any work to help her physical issues but COMPLAINS about this all the time. Very frustrating.
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Honestly, nothing at all is wrong with you! Taking care of older folks, many of whom are having memory issues and other declines is stressful, it depletes your patience. The really funny part for me is, if I were with YOUR mom I'm sure I could be so understanding, kind, helpful and patient. But with MY MIL, I'm just frustrated and annoyed by so many little things, just like you :)

My best advice (but also the hardest) is to try to detach a little and treat her as you would treat a stranger, if that makes sense. I also found a little meme online about memory/Alzheimer's and I keep it on my phone as the lock screen so I can look at it quickly (and often) when I am with her -- reminding myself of better ways to interact with her (Divert, never reason; Repeat, never say "I told you", Distract, never shame; etc.) But, honestly, many days, it is still hard.

Is she in a place where you can just take over those bills (do you have POA to do that?), then you can just pay them, sort of behind her back? She may be having some mental decline so that paying the bills and worrying about them just isn't something she is capable of, so you taking over might be a relief. If and when she notices or asks about a bill, you just let her know that it got paid (maybe show her the receipt)? Maybe she will be relieved to not have that burden anymore, and that's one less thing for the two of you to fuss over??
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I amassuming that Mom has some sort of dementia. Therefore nothing is wrong with you. It is simply that you are in the learning phase of the disease. It taakes time to learn. As to what is wrong with Mom. No one really knows. Nearly all of us have gone through the same or similar events and learning. Mom doesn't realize how important the things you mentioned really are. to her they are of no concern.
Her brain just has lost its ability to understand the impact of what she is or is not doing. And it will probably get worse for her and you.
If you can, I woud suggest that you take charge of of reding and planning on how to pay her bills. Develope a plan and try writing the checks and have her sign them.
You may eventually have to do the same thing with her shopping, dressing and bathing.
My experience with the TV and sitting was that she is engrossed with the animation of the TV. Everything else is sitting still except the TV.
If she is still capable of signing a POA for fianancial and medical, get it now. After she reaches a certain point you may have to take over everything for her.
And when concidering the POA be sure to visit her bank and find out just what they may require. some will not accept a POA unless it is on their forms and conditions.
Start looking into social security about being designated payee or whatever they call it.
Just remember that there is help and information available here whenever you may need it. Even if it just to blow off steam.
I would suggest that you begin now to plan for the future. Just about anything you can think of may happen.
This will include planning time for yourself. so start looking into companion care for her so you can take a break for yourself.

Finally we could tailor our responses if you could provide more information about what has been diagnosed with? What are her needs and how do you handle them?
Have you inquired about how to help her without injuring yourself?
There is just so much to learn and here is the best starting point.

Good luck and keep us up to date.
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I’m the same with my mother. She recently entered independent living and does quite well without me but when I am around I feel like I am her “brain.”
It’s like she automatically gets lazy as soon as I show up and she expects me to do everything but when I am not around, she can handle things with ease. It can be very frustrating.
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LizzieG Sep 2019
This is my mother exactly and it’s beyond frustrating
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My dH and I had the same conversation just last night.
He tried to cooperate, but he could not. I saw he was trying, sitting down facing me. I was frustrated. The information we needed was to help him. After 1/2 hour, I had to make the decision alone, without the information. It was after so much misinformation, and going down a rabbit hole of false directions.

1) Change your expectations.
Of your mother, and of yourself.

2) If you have to be someone's caregiver, expecting to do it in a professional way without getting upset at times is just not possible because you are human, and you are family. Venting your frustrations here and finding others who are going through the same will help you over time.

After our conversation last night, we both were in the kitchen, nibbling on some parsley. Do not eat too much (due to vitamin K issues), but it helps with blood pressure. Imo.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2019
My grandma made parsley tea for her BP.
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Lori,
Do you turn off the t.v. first, get Mom's attention?
Bring her a glass of water, a cup of coffee, or juice?
Is there a time of day she is more alert?
She is a young age to be having these symptoms.

Will physical therapy help for her shoulder?
Is she in a lot of pain?
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Another technique I have used to get a person to pay attention is to have a third party present. The 3 of you sitting at a table. Two of you start the discussion, talking, but not to Mom. Mention her name in a sentence, as if you are talking about her, as she sits there. Does she perk up, get interested, offer solutions?
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I'd like to offer a different perspective on the response "I don't know"...

I have a family member who will default to this whenever she feels pressured or backed into a corner; it can be a way to buy time or a way to disagree without actually coming out and saying so, a way to deflect confrontation.

If you think your mother isn't dealing with her bills competently then rather than trying to force her to do so you can either shrug your shoulders - que sera - or you can step in and take over. "Mom, is it OK if I contact the power company about this bill? I'll need you to sign this form giving me permission if it is" (as you hand her the pen....).
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
True, CW...agree, that makes good sense.👍
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Maybe it's just me, but I think we're not really annoyed with our mothers, ...but we're generally upset with the situation: of not having a connection anymore. (Some of us never had those connections). But looking at them in this condition, seeing them slip away before our eyes, & knowing this could go on for years....uugghh. (She's there, but not there). It's wretched.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2019
True Tiger, but I can look back and be honest. I get what the OP is saying. I was annoyed! In fact it was past being annoyed.

I burned out and I don’t even think I recognized it completely or even saw it coming. I kept thinking that I could handle everything.

It wasn’t until I was away from caregiving that I saw the true destruction that it caused in my life.

I am relieved it’s over and working with a therapist to settle things in my head and heart.
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I totally understand...with dh, he is 98% blind so he can’t see me or anything special that I do for him and he doesn’t hear well so our conversations are mostly one-sided with a constant reply of huh? from him. I get so frustrated repeating myself or having a conversation about something and his only input is “I don’t know”. I’m not sure if he is displaying signs of dementia because I am so used to seeing for him, listening for him, speaking for him, and deciding for him that I don’t know if there’s really any real substance left in him. I have all our bills on autopay and have total control of all our finances, he really doesn’t have a clue, but trusts that I am doing what is best for us so we can still enjoy life. I would love to have a man to really notice me, and take me out, and converse with me... I truly do not have the soul or empathy of a caregiver. I am muddling through this journey and just trying to keep a positive attitude. I have outside activities I do without him, so I get my free time...he still adores me and tells me how beautiful I am and how he loves me...Actually, thats about the extent of his conversations with me. I think its normal for us caregivers to feel sad and partake a little pity party from time to time...its very frustrating to give all to someone who gives very little input in return...I know it hurts my feelings and I get testy with him...when I start to feel like that, I put on his life alert bracelet, let the kids know he’s home alone, fill up his coffee cup and turn on Forensic files and leave for awhile. I go play pool in a league, I buy flowers or project stuff at home depot, I see if one
of the kids wants to go see a movie, or I just drive down the backroads and pull over for a good cry. Prayers for you...even the best relationships are hard to keep together, forever.
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againx100 Sep 2019
Dealing with people that can't hear you or make appropriate responses is....BORING! It's like talking to yourself, offering you no stimulation whatsoever, just frustrating.

So glad that you do get out and get some relief.
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I think you have received alot of good answers regarding advice to possibly take as well as how to handle the emotions. I have to say that when I found this site over a year ago I felt hopeless regarding my mother. I then read alot of posts. I learned alot from so many who know a great deal from their years of experiences. The other aspect that has helped was to really listen as I read. I have great empathy for so many. It can seem overwhelming and I feel greatly for them although there is nothing I can do. What that has done for me is provided me with a different perspective. I am fortunate to not deal with what many have to. There have been decades of exasperation I have had in being my mother's only child. However there are always those coping with more and doing better. When I get the creeping feeling of feeling burnt out I try my best to remind myself about that. This has helped me with the perception I experience at times and I have found that the frequency of negative emotions have lessened. I hope you find some solutions and relief.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
👍 Riverdale
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It's called passive aggressive behavior. My mother got like this about her checking account -but we had already heard her say that her stomach got upset dealing with balancing it - I just took over and did it. It IS like dealing with a young child. If they can't deal with something ( or it has gotten to where they don't see the importance of dealing with it) Understanding it doesn't mean that it doesn't drive you crazy and I have blown up a lot of times. Recently blew up when my mother wouldn't listen to us telling her to stay put. Now she has messed up her hip and on hospice care, so I'm sorry that I blew up, but on the other hand, it IS stressful and when you're tired, you will react. At her young age, it might be good to get your mother tested for depression.
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againx100 Sep 2019
It's nearly impossible to keep our heads all the time. I guess we have to forgive ourselves for not being perfect.
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How on earth could anyone not get furious and annoyed and overwhelmed with taking care of these people? I would go insane and I could not and would not tolerate it. Yes, I feel sorry for them but I am human and I have a life to live and I cannot do this or put up with this nonsense. Not all people can - some can and others can't. If it is getting to the point of harming you and pulling you down, I think deep down you know what you have to do. You have to put the person into a facility to save your own life and sanity. Anyone who is sweet and nice to them is far and few between - or they are putting on an act. It is normal to be furious and angry even if they can't help it. It doesn't matter, it is harming you so you must be strong and do what must be done - now.
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debbye Sep 2019
I feel like you wrote this directly to me. I moved my 88yo mother who is suffering from dementia into a memory care facility on Monday. I don't feel guilty at all about the decision -- it was definitely the right thing to do. But I have felt guilty about the times I got angry with her. They are far outweighed by more than two years of 24/7 loving care -- I gave up my home and life to move in with her -- but I still felt bad about the times I just lost it. Of course, this happened when she was saying really awful and hateful things to me, but she couldn't help it and I could. But I told myself that I'm only human and I did the best I could. I think we caregivers need to stop thinking we have to be superhuman and give ourselves credit for what we are doing: the best we can.
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Lori,

Short answer is that you are perfectly normal! Completely normal reaction to become annoyed.

I hope things get better for you in the future. Take care.
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I now declare you "normal". Absolutely normal.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
Lol, 👍Alva
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You arr Resentful tha tyou Feel the Ordeal is a Raw Deal tha tyou got Stuck in. And you are Taking it out on Mum, Who cannot help it. She replys on You, Is trying hard to Be Not this Burden, Such as you Tried not to be When she was Raising you. Try kindess and patience, She won't live forever. My sister is Taking care of Sad Dad and gets infuritated with him but love shim so much tha twhen he Dies, More she Cries, She will lose it along with Dad....
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Great answers so far, lori. 1) I agree that at 71, something’s not right so I’d ask to go to her doctor with her, 2) you are on a precipice of potentially taking over her business and it is rightfully freaking you out a bit - are you willing to do all that, or as someone said, will you look to place her? Let her know she can live somewhere that will remove all the bills and shopping and maintenance?
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Do you have Power of Attorney for her financial and medical affairs? If not, try to get it while she is still able to assign it to you. Ask her if she would like you to take over her financial matters. Perhaps it would be a relief for her not to worry about this any more. If she agrees, have all bills sent to your address. My mother's bank required a POA form in addition to the legal document we obtained from an attorney. Remember that she is aging, and her mental faculties are declining. Be forgiving, but try to make it easy for yourself to take over things she used to do. With my mother, I've had to keep lowering the bar of my expectations of what she is capable of doing. She used to be co capable and independent - not now.
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youre angry because her answers or lack there of are infuriating! There’s nothing more irritating then asking someone a direct question and to get the run around or no answer. For some reason your mom is a denier, or passive aggressive or has some form of cognitive decline. Her age is 71 and I have lots of vibrant friends in that age range. So she is not old in reality. Her health issues you mentioned in your profile are definitely predictors of cognitive decline. She needs to be evaluated. Also, if a POA hasn’t been appointed, then that needs to be done, both for medical and financial. Have this done before she further declines.
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My first main suggestion would be to stop asking her about financial matters. I had to do this some years ago with my mother. You may need a durable POA for this to be most effective if you don't have one yet. I would try to contact companies,banks,etc where money is owed to straighten out issues. From how you are describing your mother she can't possibly be expected to answer you realistically and even if she gave you answers you can't be assured that is the truth. My mother was making lots of financial mistakes unbeknownst to her. As soon as I got POA I took over and she no longer has anything to do with any financial matters. You could begin to try with companies as they may want to communicate in hopes of being paid but eventually you really need POA. If you can solve this area and give up her expecting to provide you with answers you might resolve a great deal of frustration. It is a journey but once you might become in charge in this area alot of duress subsides
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There's nothing wrong with you!

Your mother is getting on your nerves. It is not her fault, but... unless you're holding yourself to extraordinarily high moral standards, it's not your fault either. It's all part of the fun of acclimatisation and adjustment.

I hope you will get through this phase a LOT quicker than I did. Oh my goodness, if I knew the answer to the question of how not to be annoyed with something that just is incredibly annoying, even when you are rationally aware of all the reasons and trying your hardest to be sweet-tempered and make allowances, I would bottle it and make millions.

I used to try to listen to myself, and think how I would react if somebody *else* spoke to my mother in the way I did (I'd have ripped their heads off!); and that mental trick sent me out to the utility room for a few deep breaths sometimes.

You can only reflect, forgive yourself, and keep trying. You will get better at it; and - sorry about this - bigger and more important problems will eventually overtake the petty bugbears that do so get under one's skin at this stage.
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I believe there is a link error to this question.
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It sounds like mom is slipping into a stage of dementia. If that is the case it will only get worse. You need to take her to a physician, preferably one who deals with elders. for analysis and advice. It sounds like there are issues behind your story. Do you have siblings? Is your father still living.? Is mom living with you? Does she have many friends? Neighbors? Is she religious?
As far as her bills, I came up with an effective plan. Take one of her credit cards, hopefully with a high credit line. Call as many "billers" and have them link her bills to the credit card. That way you pay one bill a month, the credit card. This will free up a lot of time and worries for you, and if things do progress in dementia, you will have a new world to deal with and need all the time you can muster.
My parents are significantly older however I understand the frustration. It seems strange to be taking care of them as if they are children. Whenever I find myself getting frustrated, I think of my earlier years that the parents made happy. Like birthday parties, vacations, scouts, Christmas, Easter. You did the right thing to reach out to this forum.
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Thank you for asking such an honest and real question. I too have the same feelings and responses to my mother then feel overwhelmed with guilt. This site has been a savior for me. Thank you to everyone for the kind and loving support during this difficult time in life. We need each other. Support without judgment.
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I am having the same struggles and can tell you what my husband and son say: I’m grieving and I’m really pissed off this is happening! Some days, you wouldn’t guess Dad has LBD; the next day, he’s barely listening and/or doing things that cause me more work and I’m already at the breaking point. If Dad were bed bound and mentally struggling, I know I’d keep it together as I did with my Mom. I keep expecting more out of Dad because he looks fine. I AM pissed! I AM grieving but I think some of it may also be emotional burnout. Our parents don’t deserve to be treated like misbehaving children. We clearly need to pull it together. I’m considering therapy just to vent and let off steam. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. 💔
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Nothing is wrong with you. Life is far more complicated than it used to be. For example, decades ago old people had a bank and a teller who knew them. They managed their money and bills in person or through the mail. Nowadays, everything is online or through an offshore customer service phone number. Many old people never adjusted and now they're lost.

In my opinion it is a bad idea to take on the responsibility of caregiving without the authority. Take her to an elder attorney in order to get her important paperwork together ASAP i.e. durable power of attorney, living will, etc. so that you can get her budget together and manage her IADLs (instrumental activities of daily living). If she refuses, step away because things are only going to get more messy/complicated/frustrating.
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You're human. When the shoe is on the other foot, when our relationships with parents become reversed - it's scary to say the least.

The fact your mother no longer is concerned about day-to-day expenses is frustrating to you and you don't know how to handle it.

Take Ten for yourself and breathe deeply. You can talk to your doctor as they have medicine which will help your stress. Personally, I didn't want to be on any drugs - so I listened to a holistic friend and started Ashwagandha and never looked back.

If you belong to any church or temple - talk with the preacher as they can help you to see the broader picture. I went directly to God myself and prayed daily and constantly for patience and guidance. Reach out to find comfort for yourself.

But there's nothing wrong with you. You are a daughter being put into a parent position and it's scary.
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It sounds like you need a break. Caregivers have to take breaks or they will burn out! If you don't take care of yourself then you will not be able to care for her. If you have siblings talk to them, let them know you need some help. If not reach out to your Area Agency on Agency. They have caregiver programs and offer some "respite" relief for caregivers at no cost.
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Maybe another approach. She already has past due bills because she probably just didn't know what to do with them. So when you look at the stack of bills, what would you do with them if they were yours? Quit asking and frustrating yourself. Use the bills and documents you have to figure out what is going on. You can also go online and set up accts so that you can see for yourself what is going on. You already have all of the personal info to create the account. I find it much easier than talking to them on the phone - having to hand the phone to mom to give permission to talk to me (they ask her questions and she doesn't always hear what they are saying). You can probably find out more about what's going on, payment history, etc than with a conversation with her.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2019
"...having to hand the phone to mom to give permission to talk to me (they ask her questions and she doesn't always hear what they are saying)."

Oh how I can relate to this! Mom called once to ask me to cancel her card, as she couldn't find it. They were willing to do that, but would not issue another unless I called from her phone and let them ask her. Hearing issues made that fun! I was at least 3 feet away and could hear everything the woman said/asked. Mom's standard answer was 'I can't understand you.', not I can't hear you. I kept telling mom she just wants you to say it is okay for me to talk to them. When she finally understood that, she loudly said 'Oh they're assholes!' She didn't have the phone at her head, but I know the woman could hear that. I did apologize and at the end of the discussion when asked if anything else, I said be sure your supervisor knows how understanding and gracious you were! Problem with them is my access, despite POA, was extremely limited. The next time she called about "losing" the card, I waited, because when there to request a new card the first time, she had the old card in her hand! After a week or so, during a call, I had her check her purse. Sure enough, it was in there, just not tucked into the wallet where it should be!

Even more fun with SS. She had it going to a different bank, closer for her to access, but with no longer driving and me taking over, I wanted it all in one place (plus none of us were on that account - used POA later to close it/move the funds.) She has to okay changing the SS direct deposit. Same deal, but every time I repeated what the woman asked, she reduced her volume, which didn't help mom with her hearing issue! Finally she had me take the phone and rudely told me I would have to go to an office and hung up. I think she believed I was trying to scam mom, because mom would only say 'I can't understand you', not I can't hear you. I was able to change the direct deposit through the credit union (they have methods/forms and I used the POA to make request.) After we moved her, I could get her statements/paperwork from her mailbox, but couldn't change the address (federal items don't forward and don't accept POAs.) When we decided to sell the condo, I had to set up as rep payee - required to go to SS, didn't need mom with me and was approved. The worst part was getting the special account set up. Technically anyone managing a LOs SS should do this. I was just letting it go to her account and paid bills from there, but SS doesn't approve of us "managing" anyone's SS this way. In our case, I had to make the change because I would need all the paperwork, W2, etc. sent to me.
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If she is on pain meds, they can knock the "will" out of folks. If not, you are now getting a better understanding of her mental abilities. Sorry, that you're going to go through frustration until you have answers.

Sounds like it's time to manage mom's financial affairs. I hope mom already has a will and POA. If not, get her to a lawyer and have those drawn up while she is still lucid enough to give you permission to handle her finances and medical needs, Gather up all the bills and info on all the places mom deals with financially. Create a chart so you know where the money goes, how much and when. Also gather up all her medical information: medical history, surgical history, allergies, current medications, DNR and/or living will. Keep everything in a folder in an easy to access place so you have it on hand for any situation that comes up.

I have POA for my mom's medical affairs, 1 sister has POA for mom's financial affairs. Youngest sister is executor on mom's will.
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