I feel as though my mother is resentful that I am continuing with my day-to-day life now that she’s limited. She makes mean comments about my spending decisions as well as opportunities that our daughter receives. Her comments are mean and I struggle and am left distraught and sad. I’ve worked hard my entire life to be able to provide for myself and continue to be present for her and ensure her safety.
Gee, I'm sorry you feel that way.
If it is safe you can leave the room.
You can wear earbuds, headphones or other noise canceling device.
You can also begin looking for Memory Care facilities. This is not going to get easier. I have stated before the one thing that would have made me look for a MC for my Husband was SAFETY. If it was not safe for HIM for me to care for him I would have had to place him. If it was not safe for ME I would have had to place him. Safety is not just physical but Mental, Emotional safety as well. And if you are struggling, distraught and sad I think that is hinging on your Emotional and Mental safety.
Yes. It all matters! I've written before on this forum how difficult my mother's treatment of me as the only in-town sibling affected me emotionally. What worked for me was to request compensation. One of the POA brothers readily agreed, and also offered backpay (which I took). Once I was being compensated $20/hour (this was 4 years ago), it was emotionally much easier for me, as I could consider it just a job. I made sure my brothers knew all that I did for our mother and how long it took in emails, so when I made my request, it didn't come out of the blue.
When she lashes out at you about your spending habits or what you give your daughter respond with the following:
'It's none of your business what I spend my money on or what I give my daughter. You aren't paying for any of it'.
'You will not speak that way to me. I will leave and will not help you'.
I worked as a caregiver for almost 25 years. Even people with dementia sometimes need to be put in their place from time to time. The person senses that their behavior will not be tolerated from this person (be it their adult child, spouse, aide, etc...) they usually stop with it. If you need to tell your mother the above responses every time you see her, do it because it will help. Then follow up with a period of ignoring to whatever degree is safe.
It's hard to explain but the caregiver has to control the situation when they're interacting with the client (or LO). The client or LO will behave better when they don't get the reaction they want. Sort of like if there's a cop behind you when you're driving most people get a little more attentive and cautious. Not because they're doing anything wrong, but because there's a cop behind them. It's kind of like that when you're interacting with seniors who behave abusively and want a fight.
Whatever you do, DO NOT play her games. Do not try to explain yourself to her or justify anything you do. Do not let her behavior escalate into a fight because that's what she wants. LIkely she's bored and wants attention. When she's behaving badly and instigating, don't give her any.
Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter if it being done by a full brain person or someone with a broken one. I know my limits. I know that I would not be able to deal with someone like this hurling insults when I'm trying to help. Someone acting like this doesn't want help.
If I were to continue in this line of work, I would need to develop a thick skin of just doing my job, and getting the hell away from this nonsense mentally while performing care to this individual. This will take conditioning. I'll save my softer moments for people who appreciate the care.
Your mother sounds like my father (rest his soul). He did not have dementia but could be a very mean spirited and hurtful individual at times unless it was something he needed from you.
Do not allow yourself to become a slave to someone's mean behavior. Sometimes, we fall into the approval trap from parent's that were difficult to please. So, we fall into the people pleasing trap.
Maintaining dignity works both ways. I figure if someone can formulate words that are in complete sentences and directed at hurting another individual they have enough cognition to know what they are doing. Even better, if they can remember what they said the next day. I've had this happen.
Abuse IS abuse. Period. People say to me, "It's the disease (Alzheimer's) talking, not your mom." But I know she is not that far gone, because when she really wants something, she can pull it together to ask oooooooh so nicely, choosing her words carefully, saying things like, "I love you so much," etc. But minutes later she is spitting venom at me. Then someone else walks into the room, and she is all sweetness and light again until that person leaves, and then she is back in full attack mode when she thinks no one can overhear.
Today she called me six times c a r e f u l l y asking permission to move into a bigger, more expensive apartment at her AL, one floor up from her current apartment, to be closer to the apartments of her friends. Her current place is a 30-second elevator ride to the second floor, where they live. I let all the calls go to voicemail because there is NO reasoning with her. She wants what she wants, no matter how it affects me or my health and wellbeing.
The funny thing today was that she neglected to hang up her phone after the sixth time she called me, and I could hear her and her friends plotting ways to "force my hand" to make that move happen. They were saying things like, "You found some ants in your room--tell your daughter that your room is infested, so you need to move!" Then Mom said, "Yeah, we'll see. I don't know if that will work."
I have moved my Mom four times in the past eight years--one move from her home in Florida to my home in Texas. One move into a home she purchased here and which I helped her renovate exactly the way she wanted it, one move to Independent Living when she insisted she was "going to die of loneliness if I didn't move her immediately into an IL apartment," and the final move that I insisted on (the move to AL because she could no longer safely live in IL). I took care of all the logistics of all of those moves, with compassion, care, and integrity every step of the way.
Nevertheless, she has made my life a living hell during and after each move. There. is. no. way. I. am. putting. my. life. on. hold. for. another. move. for. her. until. she. needs. memory. care. She had a golden goose of a daughter, and she has killed the golden goose.
I agree COMPLETELY with what you said: "Maintaining dignity works both ways. I figure if someone can formulate words that are in complete sentences and directed at hurting another individual they have enough cognition to know what they are doing."
So thank you for your validation of my experience as well as your own.
Today I took back some of my power and let all her appeals go to voicemail. I will not be calling her back to discuss any of it. The available, more expensive apartment on the second floor will be rented to someone else within the week, and that will be that. I no longer feel any obligation to be at her beck and call. I will oversee her care and advocate for her wellbeing as needed, but I will never again twist myself into a pretzel, trying to make her happy. That ship has sailed.
How does she know about your spending habits? Yes, its not any of her business but maybe say "You don't need to be worried about that Mom, I am very aware of what I can afford to spend." Just because she is your mother does not mean u need to put up with her meanness. You can be firm and say "Mom, its really none of your concern how I spend the money I have earned".
If she is living with you, may be time to place her. If in her own home or an AL, you can walk away when she gets this way. Tell her "Mom, if your going to be mean and nasty, I am not staying" or try the "grey rock method". You literally ignore them. Boundries is a Christian based book by Townsend and Cloud. May want to read it.
You are treated the way you allow people to treat you. At this point in her life, Mom needs you more than you need her. You can chalk up how she talks to you up to Dementia and try to ignore what she says. If she is living with you or visa versa, you may need to place her or move out.
"I'm ____ blank age. I have ___ years till I reach the age that I can draw SS. If I retire now, I will have to live on what I have saved up. I don't have enough saved up currently to retire. We have discussed this before, please stop asking me to retire, my savings have not increased since the last time you asked".
The next time your mom mentions your spending habits, try this.
"Mom, I earned this money not you. I'm going to spend it the way I see fit. I didn't ask for your thoughts about _______ purchase. Please stop asking about my finances".
My mother is very similar to yours, Jhalldenton. No dementia and everything I do is always wrong. No matter what there will be snide and snotty comments and even worse than that. I lived with this abuse for a long time because I thought I had to. Until one day many years past I realized that I didn't have to and no one else does either.
I don't play games and I don't tolerate abuse. Not from family and certainly not from any of my care clients.
My mother was famous for complaining and making snide comments whenever it was time for meals. I'd give her the plate and she's make some snide and nasty comment. She always gobbled it up and usually had seconds and thirds, but there always had to be a side order of snide comments. This went on until one day when she made a snide comment, I picked up her plate and threw it in the garbage. I had to do this a couple of times for her to get the message that snide comments about the food will get you an empty stomach.
Sometimes you need to give it right back to a senior-brat. Or go with total ignoring like they aren't even there. What people want the most is attention and when they're behaving badly and abusively you don't give them any.
Also, if you're planning on retiring you would do well to not let your mother know. She will expect you to become a slave to her. Don't retire until you have her placed.
If your mother continues to make mean and inappropriate comments to you, leaving you distraught and sad, make a conscious decision to change the scenario: get her into Memory Care AL or into Skilled Nursing, or hire in home caregivers (on her dime, of course) to take care of her instead of subjecting yourself to the ongoing mudslinging. Yes, I know she has dementia and 'can't help it', but I also know that you are entitled to have YOUR OWN LIFE here too.
What changes can YOU make to facilitate that? Your mother is 79 years old, according to your profile, meaning this scenario can go on for another decade easily. My mother passed at 95 years old, after suffering from dementia for at least 7 years. And her nastiness only worsened as the dementia progressed. Fortunately, she lived in Assisted Living and then segued into Memory Care AL for the last 3 years of her life, so I could keep my contact with her limited.
Wishing you the best of luck prioritizing your OWN life while making sure mom is kept safe.
Tell your sons that when your mother starts saying nasty things about you that they are to shut her down at once.
Instruct them to tell her that they will not tolerate her speaking so about their mother and that they will stop visiting if she cannot keep herself under control.
Then they should get up and leave. End of visit.
Do this every time.
Best advice I've heard, tried and helped is you have to realize she doesn't know what she is doing or saying nor does she mean it. Don't let the ugliness or hurtfulness of her words upset you. She doesn't know what she is saying nor probably remember any of it tomorrow.
When my Mom does this it's like watching GROUNDHOG DAY as it is always the same scene over and over. She's so disappointed in me she wishes she'd never had me. How can you live with yourself? There's no reply that is going to stop the verbal abuse at that point so there's not point in getting upset or playing her little game.
Mom's name is Katherine but I call that other personality "CATHY" which she doesn't like at all. Probably cause I say it so sarcastically. I wanted Cathy to experience GROUNDHOG DAY too so when CATHY comes in the room I just say, Excuse me CATHY I have to water the plants out back and leave. Rather play my game than Cathy's. And it works.
It’s hard to switch roles to parenting your parents. Stay calm and firm. Let the insults bounce off you and she won’t get the “reward” of finding your Achilles’ heel.
if this lashing out is new, she might benefit from a geriatric psychiatrist.
Take comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. Blow off your steam when you’re alone.
I will suggest that you dive deep into knowledge about how Altzheimers works and how it literally suffocates an individual's essence.
What you are hearing is not your mom. It’s the disease. That’s not all that helpful, especially if she’s telling other crap and they are “uninformed” enough to believe her.
Even if you argue, prove her wrong, clap back, it’s fruitless. She will not remember, or hear, or believe anything you say. So don’t waste your breath.
Personally, I think you may try placing her in a facility. That way she’s safe, and you can get on with your life and visit her as much as you can, however leave when the nastiness starts.
I completely agree. When the dementia progresses to the point where the person can't be left alone for a minute, it's time for placement.
I've missed out on many caregiving assignments for having this kind of honest approach, Many families will keep an elderly "loved one" at home far longer than they should.
When they've hit the point where they become nasty, belligerent toddlers in diapers that cna't be left alone in a room to watch tv for five minutes, it's time for placement.
build yourself up with positive moments- go on a walk, shop, listen to music. Care for yourself because the current experiences drain you .
best wishes
My mom has made plenty of snide remarks about how my children spend their money. They're well off and have earned it so they have the right to spend it, vacation and travel as they like. I'm proud of them and happy they're comfortable, more comfortable than I am. My mom's remarks stem a bit from jealousy that her life growing up in the era of the Great Depression, was more difficult and humble, and even when her economic fortunes increased, she was still pretty frugal and raised us to be the same way even though we didn't have to be. That's her world view, so when she sees my children travel all over, it rankles her.
I also think it reminds her that they don't come to see her or call her except once in a blue moon, like if they can go to Europe, why won't they come see her? She's mostly to blame for that, as when they were growing up she was not particularly interested in them, was very busy with work, her church and whatever husband she had at the time. She never really sought or developed any relationship with them, moved away and rarely came to visit so they don't really know her or have feelings for her and we went on with our lives. We did go to visit her, so they at least knew her somewhat. However, they feel like she places a guilt trip on them so that's not helpful. My mom recalls living near her grandma and spending every weekend with her, so she expects that of my children and that they should care about and love her just because she's their grandma, so when they don't she's offended. Most of my kids do try to communicate with her once in a while, but those she's offended have stopped trying. It's sad but a good reminder that it is important to stay in touch with and be interested in the lives of our loved ones. Being self-centered or just plain too busy means you may be more alone in your later years.
My mom is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's and has a lot of memory problems, but tells her friends she's perfectly fine and they believe her, say she wouldn't lie to them. She fell and broke her hip and declined so much after that and even after months she didn't return to how she was before but her condition has advanced so she was discharged from the SNF to a nice care home I found because I cannot be her caretaker and doctors said that was the only safe option for her aside from memory care. She's angry at me and her doctors, thinks they don't know what they're doing and thinks she should be able to go back to the way things were before but unfortunately that can't happen. I do understand how upsetting that is for her, even though she's in a very nice place with good care - it isn't her home. She conspires with others who are trying to get her out, which is very upsetting and her demands keep me constantly on edge. Like others, there are boundaries I've had to set and I sometimes let her calls go to voicemail so I can see if it is something that can wait or not. She has good care where she is, but the constant agitation caused by her well-meaning friends who talk badly about me, make her doubt my care for her and as they've threatened to have her change my POA, it has made it very hard for me to rest. I too just want some peace!
Perhaps an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist can off both of you alternatives for your relationship.
I also knew she could not live on her own any longer so I moved her into Assisted Living (and now, Memory Care). The biggest advantage this gave me was that WHEN she became abusive to the point of getting under my skin, I could leave her for a few days and know that she was taken care of while I was taking a little down time to recover from her words. I retreat to my home, my happy place, and isolate a bit to do things that edify me and to do productive things that don't get done when I am tending to her more.
Another thing I do is to give myself permission to leave my daughter role while she is being abusive and be a caretaker only. This helps me to draw a fence around the abuse in my own mind, even if not in hers.
I have also called her out on her poor treatment - I try to do this in the most loving way I can, and I realize that nothing I say will change her, but it makes me feel better to stand up for myself. "Mom, I'm trying to give you the very best I can because I love you, but I don't have to be treated this way." Usually, followed shortly, by "I love you Mom. I will see you in a few days."
About a month ago, I had to move Mom to MC because she assaulted the nurse at her AL and she eloped from there twice. Although she and I made the decision about AL together, I didn't give her a choice on the MC facility. I had to move her in a very short timeframe AND there was nowhere locally for me to take her so I chose a place that seemed to be the best I could find and not as inconvenient for me as any of the other places. I took her there while hubs and son moved her stuff out of her AL. She was furious - she hated the place, hated being behind a locked door, hated the people, hated the food. Hate. Hate. Hate. She told me I ruined her life. I responded that I wasn't trying to ruin her life but I needed to know she is somewhere safe. She responded that I had ruined her life the day I was born. That hurt. Deeply. These were the types of words I heard after my dad died and I no longer had him to buffer me against her NPD. I'm so thankful that I have worked through all of that to become a better person, but it still gets through, doesn't it?
But take a minute to think about things from her perspective. How must it be to find your life shrinking to nothing right before you? Wouldn't you be jealous of your daughter who gets to go about a normal life? Wouldn't you hate to see your hard-earned autonomy taken away "in the interest of your safety?" I find that I can't really blame my mom for being unhappy with her life - I wouldn't love it either. The unfortunate part is that she has no idea how to express her unhappiness without tearing me down. I do find, though, that having a little bit of empathy about her situation helps me be the better person, the better caretaker, that I want to be - even if she doesn't deserve it.
In the end, you will survive this and she won't (barring unusual circumstances). You need to protect yourself so that you reach the end okay. Part of that is that you have to act and do in such a way that you can look at yourself in the mirror and feel you did the best you could. Just bear in mind, the best is NEVER ideal, no matter who you - or she - are.
😐
I've heard many people say the person with dementia is no longer Mom/Dad/Spouse/Sibling/etc... anymore.
That's when they need to go into managed care. No one would allow a a random stranger to move into their house then ruin their life and possibly the lives of their family by insisting on caring for the stranger themselves.
Managed care. If someone is too poor to pay cash for this (no one can) at some point they go on Medicaid and that pays.
For my entire life she could reduce me to tears with her sharp tongue.
Then one day about a year ago it happened again. She screamed at me and I broke down crying.
And then for some reason that was the end of my tears. A shrink could probably put a label on it, but when she screams at me I no longer feel anything. I consider that a good thing.
If you're reactive to your mother, I totally get it. I hope you can learn to look at your mother and her negative, hurtful comments as a whistle in the wind and not let it get you down.
Its working now, not sure how much longer it will work?
That love part seems to get him off gaurd.
Alz/ Dementia caregiver support groups may be available.
Practice good self care with appropriate exercise, diet, boundaries settings, support from your faith group etc.
Do you have any help in home so that you can schedule your own needs outside the home and share the pt care demands with? If not, it is probably time to learn what is available both in home, day care outside home, and/ or placement options. Be sure that you have POA authorization in place to make the safe and appropriate decisions now or later for your mother who from your note is not capable of doing so even now.
Speak with her physician, get referrals to help guide you.
Redirect the conversation when she is inappropriate or simply ignore and walk away, if she is safe.
It is very common for dementia patients to lash out at their primary caregiver ( PCG) and that's you, at this time. Unpleasant to say the least. Each person has to decide where their limits are...
Peace