I feel as though my mother is resentful that I am continuing with my day-to-day life now that she’s limited. She makes mean comments about my spending decisions as well as opportunities that our daughter receives. Her comments are mean and I struggle and am left distraught and sad. I’ve worked hard my entire life to be able to provide for myself and continue to be present for her and ensure her safety.
"I'm ____ blank age. I have ___ years till I reach the age that I can draw SS. If I retire now, I will have to live on what I have saved up. I don't have enough saved up currently to retire. We have discussed this before, please stop asking me to retire, my savings have not increased since the last time you asked".
The next time your mom mentions your spending habits, try this.
"Mom, I earned this money not you. I'm going to spend it the way I see fit. I didn't ask for your thoughts about _______ purchase. Please stop asking about my finances".
My mother is very similar to yours, Jhalldenton. No dementia and everything I do is always wrong. No matter what there will be snide and snotty comments and even worse than that. I lived with this abuse for a long time because I thought I had to. Until one day many years past I realized that I didn't have to and no one else does either.
I don't play games and I don't tolerate abuse. Not from family and certainly not from any of my care clients.
My mother was famous for complaining and making snide comments whenever it was time for meals. I'd give her the plate and she's make some snide and nasty comment. She always gobbled it up and usually had seconds and thirds, but there always had to be a side order of snide comments. This went on until one day when she made a snide comment, I picked up her plate and threw it in the garbage. I had to do this a couple of times for her to get the message that snide comments about the food will get you an empty stomach.
Sometimes you need to give it right back to a senior-brat. Or go with total ignoring like they aren't even there. What people want the most is attention and when they're behaving badly and abusively you don't give them any.
Also, if you're planning on retiring you would do well to not let your mother know. She will expect you to become a slave to her. Don't retire until you have her placed.
How does she know about your spending habits? Yes, its not any of her business but maybe say "You don't need to be worried about that Mom, I am very aware of what I can afford to spend." Just because she is your mother does not mean u need to put up with her meanness. You can be firm and say "Mom, its really none of your concern how I spend the money I have earned".
If she is living with you, may be time to place her. If in her own home or an AL, you can walk away when she gets this way. Tell her "Mom, if your going to be mean and nasty, I am not staying" or try the "grey rock method". You literally ignore them. Boundries is a Christian based book by Townsend and Cloud. May want to read it.
You are treated the way you allow people to treat you. At this point in her life, Mom needs you more than you need her. You can chalk up how she talks to you up to Dementia and try to ignore what she says. If she is living with you or visa versa, you may need to place her or move out.
Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter if it being done by a full brain person or someone with a broken one. I know my limits. I know that I would not be able to deal with someone like this hurling insults when I'm trying to help. Someone acting like this doesn't want help.
If I were to continue in this line of work, I would need to develop a thick skin of just doing my job, and getting the hell away from this nonsense mentally while performing care to this individual. This will take conditioning. I'll save my softer moments for people who appreciate the care.
Your mother sounds like my father (rest his soul). He did not have dementia but could be a very mean spirited and hurtful individual at times unless it was something he needed from you.
Do not allow yourself to become a slave to someone's mean behavior. Sometimes, we fall into the approval trap from parent's that were difficult to please. So, we fall into the people pleasing trap.
Maintaining dignity works both ways. I figure if someone can formulate words that are in complete sentences and directed at hurting another individual they have enough cognition to know what they are doing. Even better, if they can remember what they said the next day. I've had this happen.
Abuse IS abuse. Period. People say to me, "It's the disease (Alzheimer's) talking, not your mom." But I know she is not that far gone, because when she really wants something, she can pull it together to ask oooooooh so nicely, choosing her words carefully, saying things like, "I love you so much," etc. But minutes later she is spitting venom at me. Then someone else walks into the room, and she is all sweetness and light again until that person leaves, and then she is back in full attack mode when she thinks no one can overhear.
Today she called me six times c a r e f u l l y asking permission to move into a bigger, more expensive apartment at her AL, one floor up from her current apartment, to be closer to the apartments of her friends. Her current place is a 30-second elevator ride to the second floor, where they live. I let all the calls go to voicemail because there is NO reasoning with her. She wants what she wants, no matter how it affects me or my health and wellbeing.
The funny thing today was that she neglected to hang up her phone after the sixth time she called me, and I could hear her and her friends plotting ways to "force my hand" to make that move happen. They were saying things like, "You found some ants in your room--tell your daughter that your room is infested, so you need to move!" Then Mom said, "Yeah, we'll see. I don't know if that will work."
I have moved my Mom four times in the past eight years--one move from her home in Florida to my home in Texas. One move into a home she purchased here and which I helped her renovate exactly the way she wanted it, one move to Independent Living when she insisted she was "going to die of loneliness if I didn't move her immediately into an IL apartment," and the final move that I insisted on (the move to AL because she could no longer safely live in IL). I took care of all the logistics of all of those moves, with compassion, care, and integrity every step of the way.
Nevertheless, she has made my life a living hell during and after each move. There. is. no. way. I. am. putting. my. life. on. hold. for. another. move. for. her. until. she. needs. memory. care. She had a golden goose of a daughter, and she has killed the golden goose.
I agree COMPLETELY with what you said: "Maintaining dignity works both ways. I figure if someone can formulate words that are in complete sentences and directed at hurting another individual they have enough cognition to know what they are doing."
So thank you for your validation of my experience as well as your own.
Today I took back some of my power and let all her appeals go to voicemail. I will not be calling her back to discuss any of it. The available, more expensive apartment on the second floor will be rented to someone else within the week, and that will be that. I no longer feel any obligation to be at her beck and call. I will oversee her care and advocate for her wellbeing as needed, but I will never again twist myself into a pretzel, trying to make her happy. That ship has sailed.
When she lashes out at you about your spending habits or what you give your daughter respond with the following:
'It's none of your business what I spend my money on or what I give my daughter. You aren't paying for any of it'.
'You will not speak that way to me. I will leave and will not help you'.
I worked as a caregiver for almost 25 years. Even people with dementia sometimes need to be put in their place from time to time. The person senses that their behavior will not be tolerated from this person (be it their adult child, spouse, aide, etc...) they usually stop with it. If you need to tell your mother the above responses every time you see her, do it because it will help. Then follow up with a period of ignoring to whatever degree is safe.
It's hard to explain but the caregiver has to control the situation when they're interacting with the client (or LO). The client or LO will behave better when they don't get the reaction they want. Sort of like if there's a cop behind you when you're driving most people get a little more attentive and cautious. Not because they're doing anything wrong, but because there's a cop behind them. It's kind of like that when you're interacting with seniors who behave abusively and want a fight.
Whatever you do, DO NOT play her games. Do not try to explain yourself to her or justify anything you do. Do not let her behavior escalate into a fight because that's what she wants. LIkely she's bored and wants attention. When she's behaving badly and instigating, don't give her any.
Yes. It all matters! I've written before on this forum how difficult my mother's treatment of me as the only in-town sibling affected me emotionally. What worked for me was to request compensation. One of the POA brothers readily agreed, and also offered backpay (which I took). Once I was being compensated $20/hour (this was 4 years ago), it was emotionally much easier for me, as I could consider it just a job. I made sure my brothers knew all that I did for our mother and how long it took in emails, so when I made my request, it didn't come out of the blue.
Gee, I'm sorry you feel that way.
If it is safe you can leave the room.
You can wear earbuds, headphones or other noise canceling device.
You can also begin looking for Memory Care facilities. This is not going to get easier. I have stated before the one thing that would have made me look for a MC for my Husband was SAFETY. If it was not safe for HIM for me to care for him I would have had to place him. If it was not safe for ME I would have had to place him. Safety is not just physical but Mental, Emotional safety as well. And if you are struggling, distraught and sad I think that is hinging on your Emotional and Mental safety.