How do you talk to your aging in-laws about incontinence? They're aware of it, but they don't seem to be taking care of it.

If they are aware of incontinence but not doing anything about it, there’s a lot more going on in addition to incontinence.

They’ve probably lost the ability to solve problems; i.e. executive function. Or they may be in denial of their true situation. Or they’ve been told they need Depends but have forgotten. This sort of thing is a symptom of cognitive decline. When was the last time they were evaluated by a physician? One who specializes in geriatric care would be best.

Their wish to live independently isn’t reasonable anymore. They aren’t likely to understand if you or siblings tell them they need more help. You might as well save your breath.

Look for a doctor and state that you don’t think mom and dad can live independently now. Let the doctor explain to them. And start looking for 24/7 care so they’ll be clean and safe.

Wanting to honor and respect parents is admirable, but it’s no longer possible to cater to their wishes when they aren’t able to understand the consequences of living on their own. At that time, you have to step up and become the parent. Good luck to you.

If they’re aware and ignoring it, it’s either a sign of mental decline or embarrassment. Either way, the topic needs to be discussed, matter of factly, as in “we all pee, and it’s common to have issues as we age. It’s become obvious that you two are having problems with leaking pee (or poo as the case may be) and we need a plan to deal with it to keep your skin safe and clean. Would you like to start by seeing your doctor to see if there’s medical help available?” There’s no sense in not getting to the point. Buy the Depends and the adult wipes, add soak proof mattress covers. My dad used to say “one thing I’ve learned for sure, we come into this world using diapers and we go out using diapers” He handled it with humor, sure miss that man

I don't understand. You have two elders here, both incontinent, both refusing to wear protective garments?
That isn't normal.
I cannot imagine the condition of the home they left, nor the condition the new home will go into quickly, but APS visiting would likely deem the place unfit for habitation.

There needs to be some mental examinations here, and a good honest talk. If people are in an unsafe condition then placement is needed, and part of "unsafe" would be a home with feces and urine.

I may be missing some part of the story. Hope you can explain more. When this has been discussed with your parents what has their response been?

Fawnby’s answer is spot on. Had similar problem with father in law . He was aware but didn’t think he was very wet . Wears same depend all day until it leaked . Vascular Dementia, he needs encouragement to take care of it properly . Your in laws may need assisted living.

i completely agree with fawnby:
"If they are aware of incontinence but not doing anything about it, there’s a lot more going on in addition to incontinence. They’ve probably lost the ability to solve problems; i.e. executive function."

a friend of mine's mother was in that situation. the mother had no idea how to solve the problem. my friend showed her mother step by step, how to use adult diapers. there was some dementia (mild, but enough to need help solving problems). the mother's memory is not bad, but problem-solving skills, very bad.

Probably the best place to start is to share this chat with the son in Dayton, since he is the one taking responsibility for them. He needs POA if he doesn't have it yet, and all of you need HIPPAA waivers to be able to talk to their doctors as issues come up. Incontinence rarely occurs without other medical and cognitive issues. Addressing this should be part of a family conference, all three sons (and their long term partners if close to inlaws), not parents themselves. You all need a plan, or need to know inlaws plans, for ongoing needs.

In addition to communication amongst ourselves, my siblings and I had monthly dinner "meetings" with our parents for as long as they were able to go out. They liked being with all of us and we were able to coordinate care decisions. This can be done online for family that lives far away. The son who lives close by will also appreciate the support of his brothers.

When all three of their children express the same concern in the same way, inlaws are more likely to accept that there is a problem and a solution.

My mom had dementia. She was very much aware when she would pee but could not do anything about her incontinence. It may be time for protective underware

Get a woman to talk to Mom and a man should talk to Dad. Tell them its normal to have some problems as we age but we do not ignore it. They are no longer called diapers but Adult briefs so start with...they have adult briefs now that are like ur underwear. They have padding that helps with the leaks.

No one here has mentioned that their sense of smell may be diminished, and they have no idea how bad their home reeks of urine. My father's home and later his AL room ...the smell just knocked you out. But he didn't notice.

They are IN-LAWS. Therefore, not your problem! A huge majority of posts here are from daughters-in-law fretting and stewing over what should be their HUSBAND’S issue. Certainly, you should show sympathy, listen to him, offer advice, but…at the end of the day, back off and let HIM deal with HIS parents.

I think so many women think they are being “good wives” by taking on way more then they need to, with a husband’s parents. But watch out! He will gladly let you do more and more, and when you finally scream, “Jesus, I have had enough!” you will look like the bad guy. Best to stay well out of it from the get-go. Then any nice little card or casserole you send will look like a wonderful gesture! Back away, back away…