How do you talk to your aging in-laws about incontinence? They're aware of it, but they don't seem to be taking care of it.

It is a part of life, nothing to be ashamed of. You want them to be clean and smell clean. Ignoring it won’t make it any better. When my mom’s pull-up is soiled, I just tell her “let’s change our underwear so we’re comfortable.” I realize she’s ashamed of having an accident but it is part of life. She gives me no problem when I treat it as normal.

Be glad you live across the country and far away from them. If they know they are peeing and pooping themselves and not taking care if their hygiene I see nothing wrong with being honest with them and telling them when they smell like pee or poop.

They are IN-LAWS. Therefore, not your problem! A huge majority of posts here are from daughters-in-law fretting and stewing over what should be their HUSBAND’S issue. Certainly, you should show sympathy, listen to him, offer advice, but…at the end of the day, back off and let HIM deal with HIS parents.

I think so many women think they are being “good wives” by taking on way more then they need to, with a husband’s parents. But watch out! He will gladly let you do more and more, and when you finally scream, “Jesus, I have had enough!” you will look like the bad guy. Best to stay well out of it from the get-go. Then any nice little card or casserole you send will look like a wonderful gesture! Back away, back away…

If either or both are having incontinence issues, the place to start is medical appointments. Many times the cause is an infection or an intolerance to food/drink. Those are easy to address. In other cases, medication can be helpful. In the case where the muscles are weak or memory is the problem, help them to understand that there are plenty of people that use incontinence undergarments now days. Help them to find products that work for their needs. Then, stock their undergarment drawers and bathrooms with the products that help them the most.

No one here has mentioned that their sense of smell may be diminished, and they have no idea how bad their home reeks of urine. My father's home and later his AL room ...the smell just knocked you out. But he didn't notice.

Someone in their right state of mind would not want to be soiling their clothes and furnishings and not doing anything about it. So, right off the bat, that tells me something is wrong with them other than the incontinence.

The son that they have moved closest to should take them for evaluation by a doctor that specializes in elder care.

I don't think that to "honor and respect them" means you don't have those tough conversations. It is a difficult stage of life for all involved.

Sounds like you all are paying attention and noticing the changes in them and that is the first step. Second step is making them a doctors appointment and give the doctor the heads up before the appointment what is happening. Your excuse to the parents can be that since they are in a new town, they need to establish new doctors.

Try this joke for a conversation starter: It might break down embarrassment:

The three life rules for old men:
1) Never pass a pisser.
2) Never waste an erection.
3) Never trust a fart.

PS "They live independently and are determined to keep doing so."

'Independantly' INCLUDES independantly hiring any help you need IMHO eg yard person, cleaner, laundry, shopping help, even a personal assist aide for dressing/bathing assistance.

Are smelly folk with spoiled or unwashed clothes MORE independant? Or just more stubborn? 🤔

Ok a silly question... if you live accross country how does this effect you?

Do they visit you & leave your sofa damp? Do you visit them & find it hard to sit somewhere dry?

I have an LO that was aware of their incontinence but couldn't self-manage.

Being as matter of fact as I could I discussed getting some advice. A continence helpline was great! Advised;
1. See Dr to rule out & treat medical issues.
2. If no cure *aim to contain*.
Using the right products can make life, home & socialising so much better.

Did someone mention using adult pants but overflow? Yup.

This is a other challenge. When folk cannot change them when required. May be functional or mobility (struggling with zips, buttons, taking spoiled clothing off) or cognitive (planning ahead, packing spare clothing, being able to notice when pad/pants need changing).
My LO has all that. Good products & easy elastic waistbands help but sometimes this is still not enough.

Maybe they think like many elders, they're at a certain age to do almost what they want

Since you say they're aware, have a conversation with them about the leaking into their clothes and furniture...and people smell it. They make pads to wear instead of a full blown diaper. Get some adult wipes (Sams has best price for adult size) and tell them they need to use them throughout the day to keep urine off the skin and body more refreshed.

RLong87: Perhaps there exists some cognitive decline in both aging in laws as it's difficult to fathom them living independently while needing to wear some type of protection for these incontinent episodes. They need to be seen by their primary care physician. The son in Dayton, OH should be their agent as in POA. The bottom line is that they can NO longer live independently if they possess the ability to recognize their incontinence, but fail to act on corrective measures/to wear Depends.

Call Dayton Adult Protective Services to evaluate them for appropriate placement in a nursing home because they are hazmat patients. A Gastroenterologist can prescribe medications, but they don't treat dementia.

My brother had a similar “problem.” Just whose “problem” is this? Some relatives wouldn’t let him visit their homes. For me? I was very close to my dear brother and his family. Any inconvenience this presented was nothing compared to having him visit me. This was not intentional behavior and the memories of his visits are priceless.

Are they peeing all over themselves? Would you add some more info please? Thanks

Probably the best place to start is to share this chat with the son in Dayton, since he is the one taking responsibility for them. He needs POA if he doesn't have it yet, and all of you need HIPPAA waivers to be able to talk to their doctors as issues come up. Incontinence rarely occurs without other medical and cognitive issues. Addressing this should be part of a family conference, all three sons (and their long term partners if close to inlaws), not parents themselves. You all need a plan, or need to know inlaws plans, for ongoing needs.

In addition to communication amongst ourselves, my siblings and I had monthly dinner "meetings" with our parents for as long as they were able to go out. They liked being with all of us and we were able to coordinate care decisions. This can be done online for family that lives far away. The son who lives close by will also appreciate the support of his brothers.

When all three of their children express the same concern in the same way, inlaws are more likely to accept that there is a problem and a solution.

I don't understand. You have two elders here, both incontinent, both refusing to wear protective garments?
That isn't normal.
I cannot imagine the condition of the home they left, nor the condition the new home will go into quickly, but APS visiting would likely deem the place unfit for habitation.

There needs to be some mental examinations here, and a good honest talk. If people are in an unsafe condition then placement is needed, and part of "unsafe" would be a home with feces and urine.

I may be missing some part of the story. Hope you can explain more. When this has been discussed with your parents what has their response been?

i completely agree with fawnby:
"If they are aware of incontinence but not doing anything about it, there’s a lot more going on in addition to incontinence. They’ve probably lost the ability to solve problems; i.e. executive function."

a friend of mine's mother was in that situation. the mother had no idea how to solve the problem. my friend showed her mother step by step, how to use adult diapers. there was some dementia (mild, but enough to need help solving problems). the mother's memory is not bad, but problem-solving skills, very bad.

Get a woman to talk to Mom and a man should talk to Dad. Tell them its normal to have some problems as we age but we do not ignore it. They are no longer called diapers but Adult briefs so start with...they have adult briefs now that are like ur underwear. They have padding that helps with the leaks.

Fawnby’s answer is spot on. Had similar problem with father in law . He was aware but didn’t think he was very wet . Wears same depend all day until it leaked . Vascular Dementia, he needs encouragement to take care of it properly . Your in laws may need assisted living.

If they are aware of incontinence but not doing anything about it, there’s a lot more going on in addition to incontinence.

They’ve probably lost the ability to solve problems; i.e. executive function. Or they may be in denial of their true situation. Or they’ve been told they need Depends but have forgotten. This sort of thing is a symptom of cognitive decline. When was the last time they were evaluated by a physician? One who specializes in geriatric care would be best.

Their wish to live independently isn’t reasonable anymore. They aren’t likely to understand if you or siblings tell them they need more help. You might as well save your breath.

Look for a doctor and state that you don’t think mom and dad can live independently now. Let the doctor explain to them. And start looking for 24/7 care so they’ll be clean and safe.

Wanting to honor and respect parents is admirable, but it’s no longer possible to cater to their wishes when they aren’t able to understand the consequences of living on their own. At that time, you have to step up and become the parent. Good luck to you.

Please have her doctor prescribe something for the incontinence. My mother is on gemtesa and it’s a game changer.

If they’re aware and ignoring it, it’s either a sign of mental decline or embarrassment. Either way, the topic needs to be discussed, matter of factly, as in “we all pee, and it’s common to have issues as we age. It’s become obvious that you two are having problems with leaking pee (or poo as the case may be) and we need a plan to deal with it to keep your skin safe and clean. Would you like to start by seeing your doctor to see if there’s medical help available?” There’s no sense in not getting to the point. Buy the Depends and the adult wipes, add soak proof mattress covers. My dad used to say “one thing I’ve learned for sure, we come into this world using diapers and we go out using diapers” He handled it with humor, sure miss that man

My mom had dementia. She was very much aware when she would pee but could not do anything about her incontinence. It may be time for protective underware