I understand that delusions and confabulation are common in dementia patients. I understand not to argue and accept their reality as best you can, but... I am not always successful in that effort and am having a really difficult time with my Mother. She is 91, the last remaining of her family. Her last remaining sibling, her brother, died four years ago, and my Mother has it in her head that he left her everything of his estate. He didn't. He left it to his wife. I was executor of his estate, so I know what his wishes were. Because I was executor, my Mother blames me for her not receiving his estate. She has made up a narrative of events and conversations, which she keeps adding to, to support her version of events. She even puts notes and phone numbers all over her house, in her purse, hidden in book pages...I mean the notes are everywhere. And she calls me daily, several times to rant how I have done her wrong. One time I got 96 calls from her in one day, always the same, almost verbatim story. And she's really hurt and cries...over something that isn't true. It's very heartbreaking to witness. I have tried distracting her, but it is really hard to distract a person who has reminder notes all over the place. She even rolls little notes up and puts them into the spirals of her notebooks and address book. I tried once to find all her notes and remove them, but didn't find them all. And she is constantly writing them out and putting them everywhere. Truly astounding how determined she is to hold onto and remember something that never even happened. It's amazing the lengths she goes to. And there is no proof to provide nor witness to give that will dissuade her. Her delusions and confabulations are impressive. So... this behavior seems extreme to me, but maybe it is common in dementia patients. At the first I was angry with her and tried to reason with her. At that time, I didn't understand, nor realize that she had dementia. I just thought it was part of getting older. I have had to block her phone number. She can't call me, but I can call and check on her. She can leave messages, though, and does fill up my inbox with them. I am at a loss as to how to help her. She doesn't have to be so angry and sad, if I could only get through to her. I'd like my Mother back. I would welcome any advice or encouragement.
I'm interested to see other advice that others post.....
There is nothing you can do to dissuade her from any of the asinine delusions she rants about. Do not validate any of these delusions about your uncle's estate. Refuse to discuss anything related to it with her and look at some memory care facilities.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years, It's okay to validate some dementia delusions a person has if they are harmless and don't get them upset. I had one client who thought she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. So we went along with it because it made her happy. When she'd start up with her neighbor spying on her nonsense, us caregivers would tell her simply once or twice "that's not true" then completely ignore her until she stopped with it. Don't validate your mother's ranting delusions about her brother's estate because giving it attention will only fuel the fire. Ignore it.
There's nothing you an do. You cannot convince her. You cannot stop her obsessions. You can speak to her doctor if the delusions and obsessions are too trying for her, but at her age seems it is a cause to keep living. 91 ain't nothin............
You are very descriptive in your telling us. Now copy this onto a sheet of paper and off you go to the doctor. Ask him if there's ANYTHING to try to lessen her anxiety and obsession. Some docs even try medical marijuana, and I kid you not. My friends Mom is on it in a TX . nursing home and it has made all the difference for her. Some try a mild anti-depressant. Sometimes that goes South and makes it worse. But at this point there needs to some relief.
I wish I had more than
1. This is normal
2. Talk to your doctor.
Sadly I don't, and can only wish you luck and if you find something DO let us know what helped.
I hope she's in memory care. She'd not capable of living alone now because you never know in what direction her mind will take her. She could easily branch off into sub-delusions, new topics, and so on. Someone needs to be with her 24/7.
My mother had many delusions, one of which was a dragon or dinosaur that lived on her porch. She was very afraid of it! No telling what she'd have done if she'd been alone, because she was sure it was going to hurt her. She might have tried to attack it. So take the delusions seriously and make sure your mom is safe.
Best of luck in dealing with this difficulty.
Is she living alone at home that she's calling you 96x in a day? If so, the poor woman needs in home care to distract her or Memory Care Assisted Living to keep her occupied.
These are the ways to help your mother. Wishing to have her back like she was isn't happening as dementia is a progressive and terminal disease. "Getting through to her" isn't possible either because she cannot process new information. Her mind is stuck in HER reality, so for all intents and purposes, she's been robbed of her inheritance and nothing will change her mind. Meds will calm down the loop thinking though, so that's how you can help her. And see to it she's NOT living alone anymore, if she is.
Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your mother and cope yourself. How to care for her properly and set realistic expectations for her behavior as well.
Best of luck to you.
In our case - we were already fighting a losing battle - as my FIL had NPD well before he was diagnosed with dementia - so we had years of deciphering reality from fantasy. My FIL lived in a world of his own creation and the rest of us were merely players in it to ensure that his needs were met, so if he believed something to be true, then it was true.
When we layered dementia over the NPD, it actually went from frustrating for us (and anger inducing) to just incredibly sad. Now he was trapped inside of his mind with his own delusions and no one could actually execute the tasks he demanded on a regular basis. At least before with the NPD we could sort of pick and choose what we could or should help with. With the dementia delusions and confabulations it rose to an entirely new level.
And once they get something in their head - no matter how many people might tell them it is untrue, or how much proof you might be able to offer them, there will be no getting it out of their heads.
When we moved my FIL to the nursing home - it was with his FULL consent. He wasn't happy about it, no one ever is. But he agreed to it because he knew there were no other options. HE even signed the paperwork on admission day (he was not yet diagnosed with dementia)
Admittedly - he was never happy there - of course. But after about a month something changed significantly. Suddenly he was seeing snakes coming out of walls, going to late night parties in the woods by way of old, abandoned tunnels, and finding himself locked in church basements ( all from his bed that he chose to never leave). All of these things were very real and there was NO convincing him that they did not happen no matter how irrational or how much proof to the contrary.
But the one that he locked in on that gave us the most grief, was the delusion/confabulation that we basically dropped him off in a hellhole and never looked back. His story was that we never visited (even when we were right in the room with him), never talked to him on the phone (call records sometimes logged upwards of 25+ calls a day across 4 adults with him), that we just dumped him off and ran (which is what he did to his own mother, but I digress). We had left him in the worst place imaginable and they left him in his room with no one coming in for HOURS (it would be a different number every time he told the story, with the total increasing each time). He managed to convince his long distance sister of this so much that she called our local Ombudsman to report the facility and told them that SHE was his NOK because his kids had abandoned him there.
But he was fully committed to it - when he wasn't in our presence. If he brought it up to him - anyone who had told us that was lying to us. He never did any of it.
But similar to you - there was NO getting through to him. Because you can't. Once dementia sets in - the person you knew your mother to be isn't there any longer. It's frustrating and will drive you crazy. But you can't hold her to the same standards of "normalcy" because for her - this is reality.
What worked best for us was when the doctor finally prescribed something to keep FIL calmer. There were fewer crazy calls, he wasn't exaggerating about the lack of care as often, and he didn't look at us like he hated us every time we walked in the door.
She should not be living alone .
Give her a copy of her deceased brother’s will to read , read , read , over and over again . Leave it with her . Don’t discuss it . Just tell her to read the will whenever she starts in about it .
We had to do this with my father in law regarding his lease in assisted living . He was fixated on certain things .
After awhile he stopped obsessing over them .
Good luck .
I want my mom back too but I know this will keep getting worse. I read the findings of her CT & MRI and I hit a place of such profound sadness over that. The "deep and subcortical white matter" explained so many of her symptoms and why I would never have my mom back to the way I once knew her. It put me in an entirely different place of acceptance, patience, and compassion. Have you gotten any tests done on your mom yet?
My mom is in there. I can reason with her. I can get her to understand these things she’s saying are obviously untrue, I can get her to see that. Yep, I used to be that way too. She listens, she scrunches up her eyes in confusion and says “So that didn’t happen?” I gently tell her no and she twirls her finger on the side of her head indicating she’s “crazy” and I just tell her she’s not and she has a little memory loss and it’s okay. Then the entire thing repeats again within a minute.
You said “she doesn’t have to be so angry and sad, if I could only get through to her.” This is a brain disease. You may be able to get a moment of clarity from time to time but it won’t last. I don’t think you’ve fully accepted it yet. Maybe you never will but I hope you will. It truly makes things a bit less hectic in your head space.
You don’t have to be at a loss on how to help her. Make sure she is safe and comfortable. Keep removing the notes as best you can and throw them away. Or write your own post-it notes “Bill left his entire estate to his wife Mary” and stick them wherever. Fight fire with fire? Is that bad advice? I don’t know but it’s the truth and maybe she’ll see it enough times to help reduce her anger.
You mentioned she is in “her house.” I take it you’re okay with this for now? Seems risky to me given her mental state.
Living alone she may dwell on these thoughts and they have become an obsession.
2. Talk to her doctor about medications for her anxiety and agitation.
Keep in mind that many medications can make mom a fall risk so please read the above comment.
3. Even an Adult Day Program would keep mom involved and active so she would not continue to obsess. But please consider Memory Care or having caregivers with her.
Dont engage with her on the topic. You won’t change her mind but it might help if you don’t respond. Please do t try to explain any of the details. Change the subject. My DH aunt was sure a neighbor had made sexual advances because he talked about his wife who had passed. She caught him putting food in her garage frig he intended as a gift. She sold the frig.
She kept her garage open during the day and visited with neighbors as they walked by. half the time she was wearing a thin cotton blouse that left little to the imagination so she might have flirted with him … sex was on her mind.
Another time she told everyone about obscene phone calls she never received. Her neighbor received one and told her about it. She took the experience as her own. I would not discuss it with her. Years later more than one of her caregivers asked me about the stories. She told them about the events but knew not to mention her stories to me. She believed them.
With her, the confabulation seemed to be a phase. Watch a few Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. You might find her methods helpful for talking to those with dementia.
I would tell my mum, yes, you're right. The lawyers are sorting it out now, but it will take some time. In the meantime, let's sell your house and you can live in a lovely hotel (assisted living/memory care facility) while waiting for probate to be finalised.
And I wouldn't feel guilty about it, either. Anything to ease her mind and help persuade her to go where she will get the care she needs.
I would persuade her to give you POA so you can ensure that your mum stays somewhere that she is safe and not causing problems for her SiL. If not, lie through your teeth to make sure your mum is looked after appropriately.
A dementia patient can think some pretty outlandish things…you just have to go with it and if that includes lying to keep the peace, then by all means lie.
This is an extreme example but it is similar to my cousin who was a victim of murder suicide back in 1997.
What I recommend is geriatric psych and or memory care where she does not have a phone in the room but can make calls out when she asks staff. She is already abusing her phone and it needs a drastic change. Obviously you will need to fib to meet her reality or if you continue to be nice....well it is not working now.
My wife is convinced that I and our divorced daughter have a romantic relationship.
This has been going on for a year and is persistent.
Sadly the mind starts to go for a lot of people once they hit their late 70s and up. Its difficult to see them becoming a shell of their former selves but this is common in the last years of life. Be thankful you don't have to live with her.
It sounds like she can't function now with people she does know well.
Please consider putting her in memory care. No one has to live in abuse even if the abuser has dementia. Consider placing her in care.
They can go far enough to have you put in jail. They are so convincing when telling their story. Others will question you. The police will take you in for questioning.
Watch your back with demented people.
We all share in your grief and heart break. And give you a hug.
"And there is no proof to provide nor witness to give that will dissuade her."
My sense is that you don't realize that there is little to nothing you can do to 'dissuade her.' This tells me that you do not realize that she doesn't have the cognitive capacity to 'be' dissuaded.'
If I were you, I would consider:
* Asking MD about medication (to calm her down).
* Have you considered taking her to a 'day care' for activities? This might really help her, even though(of course) she won't want to go. She'll fight you all the way. Although don't tell her that is where she's going.
* While it is good you blocked her from calling you, block her from leaving messages. (Get another phone only for her so you can manage the messages).
You need to put yourself first as this is tearing you apart and exhausting you / you will run out of steam. You must put yourself - your health - first (and be there for YOU to be there for your mom).
* Learn how to interact / speak / communicate with her. I know you are doing what you can, however you need to set very clear boundaries - in your own head - to not be pulled in. For instance ...
*** Know / learn / develop ... your boundaries. You have to create them otherwise you will be spent - mentally and every other way.
*** Realize you are GRIEVING. Perhaps get into therapy (as I did).
When you say "I'd like my Mother back" my heart breaks for you. Yes. You do.
THIS IS IMPORTANT _____________________________
What I would do is try to be as present with her now - how she is - 'instead' of wishing she were different. Take her hand, smile, tell her you love her. These moments won't come back. Even if you cry, with her.
When she starts in with her fantasy(ies), you might say "I understand you feel this way mom and I want you to know I REALLY LOVE YOU.
Hold her hand / make good eye contact.
Being present with her:
(1) she'll get it; she will feel it
(2) it might shift her away from the automatic fantasy trip she's on - even momentarily, and
(3) - it will help YOU to be present with her, while redirecting her.
________________________________
Consider -
*** Limit the time you interact with her on the phone and/or in person.
*** When you have had enough, stop - leave or say "I have to go now (if on the phone ... actually, or in person).
*** Never sit there and listen as she will go on and on ... and on. You be with her for a few minutes and then you get up and either leave or go in the kitchen and fix her a meal or something.
*** Distract her as you can. Ask her to fold napkins or laundry. Find 'busy' work for her.
*** Her mind is making up stories as it is all she / her mind can do. I sense that It is likely a way for her to funnel her anger (and confusion) - to direct it to you.
I don't know if there is an 'extreme' - it is her brain changing. She is fighting for her perceived independence and 'personhood.'
Be strong. You are doing what you are doing for her, as well as to maintain your health and self.
I reiterate:
* Do what you need to do for YOU.
* Keep yourself as whole as you can, while realizing you are grieving the loss of your mother - and may need support of a therapist, or certainly friends.
* * Allow yourself to grieve / cry / feel out of control 'wanting your mom as she used to be.'
* Do nice things for yourself, i.e., garden, go to a museum, out to lunch with friends, a walk in the park (can you do this with your mother?) take a hot bath, get a massage, start writing in a journal, take a dance or Tai Chi class, meditate.
AND IF YOU CAN ... take a week or two off and go away - into the mountains or wherever you want to be. You need a break. Hire someone to be with your mother. She will survive, if not thrive.
Gena / Touch Matters