My mother has borderline personality disorder and narcissism. She refuses to go to a facility. My mother also hates home health coming in to help her. She wants me 24 hour a day. My only sibling lives in England by choice to get away from family, Now she has no remorse and thinks I am cruel by saying she should be more responsible. She says since I chose to live around family, then I should be the one to do this. I resent that so much. How do I get my mother to go to a facility? I feel I will die before she does. I take care of my dad's house in another town, he died in March of this year. My stepmother is in an Alzheimer's facility. My stepfather died 7 years ago. I have wrestled with all this for that long. I feel I have no life. And worse, my son stays at her house when I am at my dad's. I should not be expecting a 25 year old to have to stifle his life to help me. I am at my mother's 5 days a week, at my dad's for 2 (not enough time to try to sort his estate) and I work fulltime (3 nights a week, 12 hour nights). I don't even see my house, and I need to fix it up so that I can sell it. In fact, all three houses need major cleaning and repairs. I am not rich and cannot just hire people to do it all. I am so exhausted. How do I stop feeling this grudge against my sister, and how do I convince my mother to go to a facility?She has just begun dementia, and we have to hide her pills, and she leaves her George Foreman grill on alot. We don't let her drive. She goes to the neighbors, telling them no one stays at her house but one or two days a week, and doesn't "know who they are". In her case, I think she is "playing her cards" for sympathy. I know this sounds so similar to others, but we just have to get our own version out there, and hope someone listens to us. Thanks
Think about what you said. That your mother wants things only the way she wants them. You comply. Your sister may not agree with the whole dysfunctional arrangement and perhaps the only way she can please you is to do what YOU want her to do. (I am suggesting there is an unconscious pattern here and that is not your fault. No one can change something they have no conscious knowledge is going on!).
You are NOT required to kill yourself to prove you are a good daughter. If your mother is NPD - mine is too - you have spent your life fruitlessly trying to meet the standards of a person who really is not capable of 'real' love and whose approval you will never get. What I learned is that I have to know inside of myself that I'm fine and am well intentioned and willing to do what needs to be done. Just not necessarily what my mother or father DEMAND/think needs to be done.
My parents are in their 80's and have acreage and a huge house. There are five of us siblings; one brother and I live out of town while the other three literally live in their neighborhood. My dad developed this subdivision and ran his own company. He was always 'large and in charge' and an only child. My mother married him at 17 and never worked. He has indulged her and kept her an eternal, self centered baby all of her life. There is ALWAYS drama. For example, in the fall when massive leaves fall and everyone needs to rake and blow and bag leaves, my dad expects everyone to show up and help in his yard. Even hiring someone to do it is not enough. He wants to get out there and do it and wants everyone there to do it with him. One of my sibs refuses to play the game. He lives nearby. He is in his 50's and has kids, his own big yard and they earn enough to pay to have someone help my dad. I have heard over and over (in the past, because I have cut contact with them) how 'bad' my brother was. My mother, especially, cannot stop bashing people and I know she calls one up to talk about another and then moves on, complaining about the one she just complained to! There is no gratitude, just criticism. There seems to be a need in many of us to 'curry favor'. One sister in particular wants to be the favorite and will go along with things that make absolutely no sense to get that pat on the head. Anyway, I could go on and on. My point is this: Regardless of how unpleaseable my parents are, I would and will always when needed do the right thing by them. Not to 'make them love me' but just because it IS the right thing. I will NEVER allow myself to get pulled into the daily drama (by phone, now, since I moved consciously to stay out of this fray). I am sure my one sister thinks I don't 'give' as much as she does. But to keep them warm, comfortable, safe and cared for I am willing to do whatever I have to do. I see my sister becoming my mother, right down to the relentless need for attention, drama, etc. I disagree with enabling my parents to stay in their home. Not that I think staying in one's home till death is necessarily a bad thing, but the home people stay in when they are very old just cannot be too big and too high maintenance for it not to be either a danger or a huge financial burden that is too much.
My husband and I kept this in mind eight years ago when we built our own 'dream' house. Small yard, one floor, no basement and control over junk accumulation. We do NOT want to be a burden on our kids or want all six of them to get into disagreements because we are intractable. I would urge you to examine yourself and then let yourself and your sister off the hook. Do what's best for your parents, not what they demand of you and get a life of your own with out GUILT for having it. Don't pass this mindset on to your 25 year old son.
I would try to get a POA and health care directive for your mother. If she isn't willing, some of the advice above on how to gain control of the situation listed above would probably assist you. I would enlist your son to help you run errands and get the paperwork done so this thing can be managed. At 25 yrs he should be helping (I had cared for my mother who passed away from cancer 1 month after my 21st birthday after being her caregiver for the yr prior to that--so 25 is an adult and in this situation you can't afford to turn away help being as your sibling isn't helping).
I would try to settle your father's estate with the least amount of work. I would do the minimum amount of repairs to all the homes involved. Sell what needs sold or rent them for money to care for either your mother or stepmother who are still alive.
Your mother's funds (such as they are) should be spent down for her care.
You need to be able to direct some of her care and not do it all yourself. If she gets eventually placed in a nursing home, they will spend down her funds before getting her on Medicaid. The savings were for a rainy day and you're in a downpour so use them.
I think you need to get a few weeks of restful sleep. If you have to have a home health aide there for some evenings so you get sleep--do it. Some of my best spent funds went to the nights I arranged for a home health aide to stay with my father so I could go to my bedroom and just sleep. It is amazing how a few full uninterrupted nights of sleep changes your ability to deal with stressful situations.
Good Luck. This will get better.
This may sound sort of nasty on my part but, I don't get any relief from caring for her, I have been doing this for five years now and I went to be with my only daughter, her husband and son for a week; when that was too much for him... well, sorry, but he deserved everything he got.
I suggest you take charge of your life, don't let this control it or you, do everything you have to do to preserve your own health because believe me, it can deteriorate much quicker than their lives will and then what? Where does that leave you, your family... and them, with no one! the statistics are out there for caregivers... don't become part of the stats. Get well! and stay WELL, you will better serve the needs of everyone by setting your boundaries NOW!
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