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Hello all, it's been a very rough year. My mom made the decision to stop dialysis and she passed away in March. I found out I was pregnant a month later. My paternal grandmother passed in late October, followed 8 days later by my maternal grandmother (who lived alone and whose estate I am now working to settle with the very limited help of my half brother), Paternal grandmother left my grandfather behind, who is actually completely illiterate and requires help with his medicine, appointments, and paying bills. He is 79 years old and very bullheaded, myself and my fiance are the only people who he will allow to help with anything. He also lives an hour away from me. I am the only family he has left besides a couple of elderly sisters and a few estranged cousins. I am sitting here, 17 days away from baby's due date, wondering how in the world I am going to be able to help him once I have the baby. Shoot, I can barely help him now. An hour's car ride with a baby sitting on my bladder is nearly impossible. And I know I can't take the baby back and forth in the freezing cold once he's here. Grandfather is currently in the hospital for what they think is his 5th heart attack in the last 6 months because he refuses to settle down. I am at my wits end, everyone. I feel so alone and so overwhelmed, and so does grandpa. I cannot put him in a home, I just watched my mom die in a home this year and I won't do that. But I am not sure of any home health programs that are actually affordable for an elderly man who already struggles to pay his bills? I appreciate any ideas guys thank you.

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Maybe you can enlist some help from your fiance to move him closer to you? Before my MIL came to live with us, she lived in a 55+ community for low income people and she loved it. You might also check with your city's housing authority and see what the process is for getting him housing assistance - although I know in my city there is a 3-year waiting list!

As for you, right now you have other priorities that you need to worry about. Once your little one is born, you will not be too keen on jumping in the car with a newborn, especially in the cold winter. Good luck!
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Unfortunately I have discussed this with him, he was dead set we were going to move into his 2 bedroom trailer with him with the new baby. When I told him this was not going to happen and that he should come live with us in our 3 bedroom house with all sorts of room... he said forget it, I'll just live in my RV when the time comes. :( He is refusing pretty much any attempt at help that isn't his own idea.
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sparkielyle Jan 2022
Good for you to have set this boundary. Do not let his stubbornness continue to manipulate you. In truth it sounds like he knows how to dig in and outlast others to get what he wants. He’ll compromise when the situation gets desperate enough. It becomes in some sense a game of chicken.

Enough great ideas have been offered. MJ1929 is right. The impending birth gives you a great way to extricate yourself from an unproductive dance with him and your desire to do your duty. Counseling will help you navigate the situation and keep boundaries and fulfill your family and personal obligations. You can love and caretake in a healthy way. Prayers for your strength.
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Confused, your mom may have died in a nursing but not BECAUSE she was in a nursing home.

If Gpa is in hospital/rehab right now, you have a golden opportunity to place him someplace safe and close to you.

Work with the discharge planners to get him into a good place.
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Sadly, stubborn Grandpa may have to have a crisis "come to Jesus" moment in order to adjust his thinking. When his final lifeline (you) sets impenetrable boundaries, he'll come around.

Make it clear: Your baby is your priority. You have room for him in your life, but it'll be at your house, not his. The baby's needs and schedule by necessity come first, so if he wants help, the ball's in his court and he knows how to get it.
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I thought my husband and I had had a bad 2021 (one death, one severe head injury/permanent brain damage, and two parents who need that kind of support), but your year makes mine look like a walk in the park. My heart breaks for what you're going through.

Honestly, it's bad enough that you'll be settling an estate while caring for a newborn. I don't see how you can take this on. It's noble of you to insist that your grandfather not go into a facility, but I'd urge you to take another look at that option. You tried your best by offering to open up your home to him, which was very generous for a grandchild, and he didn't want that. What are you supposed to do? He's almost leaving you with no choice. I'm just sorry you're going through this, and hope you can find some livable solution. Best wishes for the final weeks of your pregnancy.
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You gave him and option of moving in with you....which I wouldn't suggest. If he gets older and worse...which he will...then you will have it full time 24/7. 17 days from delivery, you cannot help him upon discharge even if you want to.

His only input is that you must uproot your family and live in his two bedroom trailer. Does he also expect you will also change jobs or is he thinking you will drive an hour back each way to work? And of course chip in because he already can't pay his own bills.

He refused your generous offer of having him come to your home. In other words, his way or the highway. That's really not a good position of argument from someone who is unable to care for themselves, expecting someone else to pitch in, and just had yet another health crisis (and toss in a new baby). Really?

Because you are ready to have a baby and CANNOT help him for the time being, he is an unsafe discharge. He cannot adequately care for himself and there is no one else able to meet his needs. The hospital will them at least rehab him somewhere and it will go from there. He will at least be safe and care for in the meanwhile.

I've come to the conclusion that "homes" (assisted are skilled) are what they are. They are not and never will be home. But those that need that assistance don't have another choice....unless they can get a family member to upend their lives to care for them. Not everyone can just do that. And its okay to say no. When the elder doesn't prepare for their aging, all you can do is all you can do. It won't be perfect, ever. Mother didn't like her recent stint there, but if she is unable to maintain herself in a reasonable manner in her home which "some help" from me, she will have to do something else. Remaining in her home requires me to live next door.....which wasn't my future plan at all.
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You cannot do for a newborn and for grandpa. Most people must return to work after their family leave runs out as FMLA is usually unpaid, because babies are expensive. Every extra dollar you earn will be spent on baby needs, every hour of time you do have you will want to spend on baby needs.

No, you can't live with Grandpa in his trailer. Nor should he be coming to live with you. With a trailer and I'm gathering just SS, he needs to apply for Medicaid immediately, which might bring Meals on Wheels for food, a Medi-Van out there for his appointments. As far as bills, have him give you his bank password for one day so you can switch over all his utilities to insta-pay, then help him change his password again and make sure he writes it down somewhere where only he has it since he doesn't want you or anyone as his POA.

There will be home health care resources available, but these people visit only occasionally. With five heart attacks in six months, he may well be at a 24/7 need. It may already be. As I'm consistently saying, not many people have an extra $200K/year to ensure this is done properly, nor do you have the time given the baby and your fiance to do it either.
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"I cannot put him in a home,"

Why not?

"he was dead set we were going to move into his 2 bedroom trailer with him with the new baby. When I told him this was not going to happen and that he should come live with us in our 3 bedroom house with all sorts of room... he said forget it, I'll just live in my RV when the time comes."

Are you going to place the priority on your child, which is what you should do? Even if you got him to move in with you, you wouldn't be placing the priority on your child.

Why can't he go to a facility that isn't far from you? Let others do the caregiving, and you can visit him and be a loving granddaughter and not a 24/7/365 caregiving slave.
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Confused96 Jan 2022
He has been fiercely independent his whole life, and I feel if I were to even suggest putting him in a home, I would be failing him. All of the facilities in our areas (his and mine) are severely understaffed and having major issues and I absolutely don't trust he will be properly cared for. Plus there is the fact that he is completely mentally sound save for his bullheadedness and I can't MAKE him do anything. But I do understand I have to put the priority on my child, no matter what. I have had this conversation with him and he understands that once baby is here, I can do nothing for him for at least several months, unless he drives to me.
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Your first baby..right?

You have NO IDEA what you're in for. I have 5 kids. I could no more have cared for an aging parent/grandparent than I could have flown to the moon.

You need to set boundaries NOW, before baby shows up. It's NOT your step g dad's call at all. HE does need to make decisions and they need to work for everyone. BUT, baby takes precedence.

DO NOT let this old guy move in with you and fiance and baby. You need to focus on your family. The first few weeks with baby are critical and you will be tired and trying to do 'all the things'.

Maybe gpa doesn't WANT others helping, but that's just too bad. LET HIIM move into his own trailer and let it go. You can do what you can do without being 'there' in person. Setting up his finances, setting up MOW and transport to and from drs appts and such (set up his CC with Uber--easy peasy).

Just please don't let him into your little family circle. Sometimes that works, more often, though, it becomes a nightmare and you need all your strength for the months ahead.
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Confused96 Jan 2022
Thank you for this. I am going to let him do whatever he feels that he needs to do, I really will probably not have time to give it much thought the first month after I deliver, yes this is my first child. He does not have a credit card, uber and medical transports are not available in his area (he lives in the boonies) and he refused to let me set up auto pay for his bills from his account (his reasoning is he always has to move money around and wants the flexibility to pay early when he can). So, we're right back to I can't really do for him won't he won't let me do, I guess...
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Confused, have you checked into 55+ communities that have RV spaces?

When we have had to stay longish term in areas, we have found these to be nice communities with social activities and pleasant neighbors.

If he is dead set on remaining at home or in his RV this is a good option to get him closer to you and services.

Can he barely pay his bills because of money or other challenges? He knows how to survive with his limited abilities, I wouldn't stress about what he doesn't have, focus on his abilities, he has made it this far.

Congratulations on your new baby!
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PeggySue2020 Jan 2022
Isthisrealyreal, remember that post from the 61-year-old wanting a free bed, water heater, furnace and antenna? If this gramps moves near OP, this will fall on OP or worse yet, OP's fiance? One reason this marriage isn't yet one is that the fiance is not down with providing that level of care or having OP attempt to do so.

OP should just tell the hospital social workers/discharge planners that FAMILY will not be physically there. They cannot be with a new baby on the way. Let the professionals decide what to do with that situation.
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BarbBrooklyn said it all, really. Once your baby arrives, you'll focus all of your attention on him or her and everything else will seem inconsequential by comparison. That's not to say you 'won't care' about grandpa, just that his stubbornness won't be quite AS important to you as it is today. Your main goal will be that grandpa is SAFE and has his needs seen to; whether that means he goes into managed care or lives in a trailer alone. Then again, I feel quite certain the hospital will insist he go to rehab in a skilled nursing facility when it's time for his release, and the chances are slim that the SNF will release him to live independently again. He may have no other choice BUT to stay in long term care or move in with you. That's when you'll have to be very firm and put your foot down that it simply will not work for you that he move into your home. That's when you have the chance to work with the discharge planners to get him into a good place or keep him in the SNF he's been at for rehab.

Wishing you the best of luck and congrats on the impending arrival of your new baby!
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The short answer is no, you cannot look after your baby and your grandfather at the same time.

The baby has to come first. You know that, but you may need to hear it.

Some babies are easy and it can pick up and go with them, others are fussy, do not do well with their routine being disrupted and need more attention than seems humanly possible for a parent to give.

Now has your grandpa set up up as his POA? If yes, you can then have his bills sent to you and pay them from the comfort of your home.

Blister packs for his prescriptions and delivery from the pharmacy will take care of that problem.

Many communities have services to help seniors get to and from medical appointments. Look into that, but also look into how many appointments he has and how many he needs.

Here in BC most doctors write prescriptions for 3 months, especially if it is a condition that needs monitoring, diabetes, HBP, blood thinners, etc. My former MIL had her prescriptions renewing all over the place and was at the doctor at least 2x a month. It took me 2 phone calls, one to the pharmacist and one to her doctor's office to get the RXs on the same renewal schedule. She had one trip to the lab after the appointment and the doctor would call with if there was anything to worry about in the results.

Now as far as "homes" go there are a wide range of options. Perhaps a board and care with just a few other residents would work?
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Confused, you’ve got the right answer yourself - ‘I am going to let him do whatever he feels that he needs to do’. He goes back to his trailer and tries it out. If he dies there, he made a choice that is not uncommon, to let it happen in his own place on his own rules. You have time with the baby to rethink whether having him move in is at all realistic. If he changes his mind, he can move to a place where proper help is available to help him live longer. He has limited options, and so do you.
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If he has had this many heart attacks in 6 months "because he refuses to settle down," he will make your life a living hell. If he is completely illiterate, it's obvious he has been a master at getting people to care for him, and now you are next in line. You say you are not aware of any home health programs available for an elderly man who already struggles to pay bills? There are plenty out there. The best way you can help is to tell the hospital he needs help getting it set up. If the hospital says he cannot go home alone, and you refuse to take him home to your place, the hospital will assign a social worker and fast-track getting him the help he needs. If you take him home, you will soon have 2 children to care for, one cute and cuddly, the other one not so much, but just as demanding.
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Wow - you have lost a lot of people close to you in such a short period of time. I am so sorry for all your loss! Hugs.

And now trying to take care of grandma from an hour away. Congrats in advance on your baby. You could have that baby any time so make sure that you are ready. Your baby comes first!

Ok, since he's in the hospital, you have a golden opportunity that you should not let go to waste. Let the hospital staff, I think the social worker, know that you are having a baby any minute and there is no one to care for him at home. Push HARD to get him into rehab. That'll buy some time to figure out what to do. Is he still competent? If so, they maybe he will have to figure this out. If not, another idea is to make sure he is sent home with lots of home health care services and have them continue with aides afterwards so that he can get help but you can take care of your baby.
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rovana Jan 2022
Be sure that the social worker is aware of your situation. Grandpa may be telling them all kinds of nonsense.
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Please contact your grandfather's doctor. Let him/her know the situation. You will not be allowed to drive for 6 weeks after the baby is delivered. You will be tired and need to rest for at least 1-2 weeks after having the baby. Somebody else needs to care for your grandfather during this time - and probably long term.
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You're about to be a parent. It's far past time to stand up for yourself and not let this belligerent old man bully you. Leave him to his own devices, he is not your responsibility. Time to completely stop helping him.

If he refuses to move to a facility he can just rot in his home alone. Literally if need be.
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There are many wonderful responses on this thread that may seem harsh to you, but I assure you they are not. Many on this forum are older, like me (in my 60s) and this "harsh" advice comes from hard-won experience--experience that, in many of our cases, did some significant damage to our lives. You will not hear this kind of direct advice from anyone in your "real" life, especially at your age. I encourage you to listen carefully to these posters. And I will add my own words of wisdom here--you are NOT responsible to care for your grandfather. His expectation that you should is incredibly selfish and misguided. Those on the "good and mature" side of my family NEVER would have asked this of their grandchildren.

You are about to have a new baby. You are not yet married. I cannot express enough, as other posters have, how important the foundations you will lay for both your baby and your relationship are, and that foundation will be laid in the next three years. You absolutely cannot care for you grandfather and your baby at the same time, and I fear that, as I have seen so often, your fiancee will not accommodate that for too long.

I am a "hyper-responsive" and overly responsible person, and I have spent years reading about family dynamics to figure out why I am such a pushover. I come from a family of narcissistic personality disorder, and my husband's family is worse. Both families a mess. I got the strength to begin saying NO to unreasonable and irrational family demands as I looked at my children and decided I did NOT want the same fate for them that marked several generations of my husband's and my own very selfish families.

You need to put your grandfather in a safe place, when he will allow it, and JUST BE A GRANDDAUGHTER. If he will not allow it, and insists on staying where he is and accusing you of "abandoning" him, you need to cut him out of your life.

I am dealing with a similar situation right now myself. I get up in the mornings and intentionally evaluate what I am going to do in this situation; what is RIGHT for me to do, what I am ABLE to do, and also what I WANT to do. I think carefully through what my true responsibilities are, and they are first to my own children, to my husband, and to my own mental health so that I can properly shoulder my responsibilities. The care of other family members comes AFTER. Sometimes it does not come at all. It has been very helpful for me to do this, though it may sound simplistic--a therapist would tell you that I had no boundaries, and even at my older age it is necessary for me to continually define them and adhere to them.

Good luck--and again, LISTEN to the wise posters here. This is a very valuable resource.
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rovana Jan 2022
So true - grandpa wants to make his own decisions? Then he owns those decisions and it is not anyone's obligation to enable them. Sounds like this man has the idea that women are put on earth to serve men. That is where, I think, his entitlement is coming from.
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Tell the hospital Social Worker that you will not be moving in with grandpa, and he will not be moving in with you.

Newborns take precedence over any elderly relative. Let grandpa go to a facility where he will get three meals and nursing care around the clock. Medicaid will pay for it.

I'm sorry for all of your losses, but you have a new life that will be coming into this world in a couple of days. Prepare for the birth of your child. In the meantime, you get some rest.
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Congratulations! Baby, fiancé make for happy times. Think you might need to prioritize: Baby first, fiancé who supports you second, grandfather who sucks energy last… and don’t forget to fit you into that list. Yes, there are agencies that help the elderly. Call his county health dept. Call 2-1-1.
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From your responses to others, it sounds as though you are looking at decisions sensibly. You really do need to let your granddad be responsible for his life, assisting him only to the extent that you can (while keeping your sanity and good heatlh). He has a right to make his own decisions at this point, and so do you. Good for you. Enjoy your baby and enjoy to whatever extent you can the relationship with your granddad.
I have noticed that some advice-givers on this forum have no idea what things are often like in a rural area. Call an Uber? Really? Plenty of services? No way, it’s family, friends, or a poorly-staffed, sometimes poorly-run nursing home, often with a roommate. Assisted livings are few and far between, and often extremely expensive, only private pay which someone trying to live on, say $1400 a month social security could no way afford.
Of course people can only give advice based on their own knowledge, and you seem to be doing a good job of thinking things through and seeing what might work for you. Sometimes there is no “good” solution, which is why I say do the best you can and make the most of your relationships!
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Confused96 Jan 2022
Thank you for recognizing the difficulty of rural areas! People cannot even get medical transports to dialysis out there, options are truly limited. So update, he is now home from the hospital - I made the staff completely aware of the situation and made his heart doctor aware as well. The decision was made to send him home alone as he refused all other options. I have made the decision to help him as much as I can, so long as he drives to me for the next couple of months. Once the weather is warmer and baby and fiance and I have a new routine, we can talk about making a trip out there again here and there (his home is cluttered and is no place for a baby, the baby would be into something the second I sat him down and that's just not good for anyone). Thank you everyone for all of your advice!
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You have a lot on your plate, and I wish you and your family all the best. First of all, would he agree to move closer to you? If he did that would you be able to help? Medicare may pay for some aides to come and help your grandfather, but you should be prepared to oversee the aides to make sure they are doing the job properly. It's not safe to leave employees unattended with a senior. Also, if he will have "strangers" coming into his home, lock up his valuables and financial papers. This may be the time to take over his finances, if you haven't already done so. I hope he'll agree to let you do this. Make sure his paperwork is in order so that you can help him. He'll need powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, a living will stating his medical directives if he becomes incapacitated, a will if he has assets (like a house, a car, etc.), most financial institutions also have their own POA forms, which he'll have to sign. You may need an attorney for these legal documents, or get connected to a local social worker who can help guide you through these things. If you can take over his finances, have all statements sent to your address, and stop them going to his address. It's much easier to handle if you set up all of his accounts online and arrange for autopay for his recurring bills. He also needs to speak with Medicare and Social Security to allow you to speak to them on his behalf. You can do this with a phone call sitting next to him. If his finances are not sufficient to pay for in-home aides, don't rule out a good assisted living facility. They have professional staff who can provide the appropriate care. You'll still need to visit and make sure that his care is being handled properly (assuming that you will be the POA). Good luck!
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This is an emotional dilemma that is overwhelming - so you have to try to look at the basic logistics. Gramps needs to get a lawyer who can execute a Health Care Proxy, durable Power of Attorney, and simple will - so you can help make informed decisions when he is unable.
Managing your grandfathers needs from afar will be next to impossible. Do his elderly sisters have children who can rally to help? You won't know if you don't ask. Do they live close by? Simple check ins from them will help alleviate some of the worry you feel.
You can install wifi cameras in his home so that you can monitor him from your cell phone, but you need someone living close to him who can help him with chores, shopping and managing his meds. Hiring someone local would be your best bet but it can be expensive as the going rate is $15-$25 an hour. He can apply for Medicaid, but it will take months to get the application approved. With Medicaid he can get some in-home help but it will be extremely limited.
From everything you put in your comments, he is of sound mind and set in his ways. He has rejected all your offers to help with banking, or moving in with you. So really you have to give up this fight for now, and focus on your new baby.
When he finally understands that you are now physically unavailable for him, he will start to reconsider some of his bull headed choices.
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Contact Alz.org and they will find you local home health agencies. Contact them and arrange for help for gramps. He may be bullheaded, but this is the time to do what needs to be done.

Speak to your grandpa Dr. He may be able to suggest things like other meds, other care agencies or maybe help try to get thru to grandpa he needs to try and cooperate.

You could put his bills on autopay, and you could get power of attorney to help with all decisions, however POA still is a lot of pressure for someone with a new baby.

The most important thing is your baby. That baby has a whole lifetime ahead. Hate to sound cruel, but grandpas life is almost over. I can’t imagine losing people you love in close succession like you have. However it has happened and you must deal with it realistically, even though it’s painful.

sound like grandpa needs a home care giver, if not assisted living somewhere. The Dr and Alz.org can help you get started. Grandpa won’t be happy, and know there’s nothing you can do to make him happy at this point. Just take care of yourself and your baby. Quit thinking of what you want it to be and start dealing with what it really is.
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First of all, everyone must think and make plans before something happens and now you are in trouble. First of all, YOU CANNOT TAKE CARE OF HIM AND A BABY. You and your baby must come first - he has lived his life. AND DO NOT BRING HIM INTO YOUR HOME - It won't work. See if there are caretakers who can help him. Check with Medicaid to see what you are dealing with . Ask for advice of an eldercare attorney. He needs help and you cannot give it to him - there may be no choice but to place him. But you can't do it all - don't even try.
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Riley2166 Jan 2022
This man is obviously in lala land, bullies and is uncooperative. This is his problem - not yours. He has to find a way to help himself and you can guide him but he is responsible for himself. DO NOT ENABLE HIM TO MAKE MORE PROBLEMS.
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Confused96, if as you say the hospital was comfortable discharging him home, they both have to be comfortable that he can manage his pills and appointments. He can drive there if he's capable of driving 2x round-trip to you. In an emergency, he calls 911. Because that's what he wants and apparently even the hospital agrees for now.

Your help should be constrained to getting him help should he want it as opposed to performing increasing hands-on yourself. Even if he moves near you, that can't be an option. You have this baby. Who knows--in three years, a new sibling will be on the way. You presumably will make your fiance your DH by that point or you will have parted ways.

You're not available to be grandpa's aide after birth. Nor are you likely to be five years later. You can help put granpa in touch with resources but you can't be his resource.
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Have his primary care get a visiting nurse and contact elder services for help - bathing , cleaning . Start there - Meals on wheels .
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Call g'father's doctor and ask for home health nurse to help with the meds. Nurse and put his meds into the pill sorters to make sure he's getting correct doses. Also you would have eyes on him at least weekly. Should be covered by Medicare.

As for his bills - pay them online. You don't need the paper copy to do that. When you go online to pay the bills, most companies have a feature to stop mailing out the paper bill...which would reduce what he gets in the way of letters.

Although you might not want him living with you, would he consider moving closer to you for easier visits? Maybe an elderly rental apt or community where he could rent an apartment? If he owns his own home, would he sell to move closer to you. Those would be options. If he is not willing to budge, let him know with the baby arriving - visits from you are going to be much less frequent with him so far away. As HIM what he wants to do with his health being a problem and you being the only one who can help -- I would toss in the conversation about how many times he's been in hospital, what his health problems are, potential of falls and laying in the floor until someone finds him, etc
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Enjoy your baby and build your life around your family.
Grandpa is fiercely independent and wants to stay that way.
Allow him to live his life while you live yours.

He's only 79. He can apply for his own credit card, he can move to an area that has more services available. He can work with the hospital's Social Worker to help him find more suitable living arrangements, if needed.

Your baby must always come first and foremost in your life.
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Confused96: Imho, your grandfather requires facility living.
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