How long does it take to assimilate to assisted living?

Many of them think they can live at home when they can't. Your mother is showing her lack of insight, which is probably a symptom of her disease. You don't mention dementia, but that's what this looks like to me.

Refuse to be drawn into conversations about this topic. Cut down on your interaction with her. She might become less obsessed if you're not listening to her so often.

Tell her she is in her home when she starts nattering on. Then change the subject, hang up or go home.

You can respond to her that she has to wait until her doctor says it is safe for her to live on her own.

Probably never. Just ignore it. She will never be convinced. If she keeps going on and on end the visit. It's tragic that people can't accept their limitations with grace instead if making everyone feel guilty for doing the right thing.

It took my last LO-in-care about 6 months to become comfortable and relaxed, and that was facilitated by medication deftly managed by a wonderful geriatric behaviorist.

If there is (sounds like) early dementia as part of her profile, don’t exhaust yourself attempting to explain-reason-discuss etc. because it will not help her, and it will not benefit you.

Between a small dose of medication and a pleasant supportive group of caregivers, she grew to enjoy her lhotel”. She had “entered” in early May, and had adjusted decently by early October.

Very common . Especially if they have dementia which it sounds like she may have . She may continue to say this for some time . You just keep telling her this is where she lives now where she is safe has help when needed. Then change the subject , or excuse yourself and say who have to leave or get off the phone for an appointment .
It took my mother and father in law about a year to stop this conversation . Hang in there, it is frustrating. But you did the right thing for her and you .

If your Mom is competent sit down in front of her, look her in the eye and say, "you cannot return home. You do not take care of yourself and I can't do it. I just got over chemo, have my family, a job and a home to keep up so I can't do for you too. For now, this is the best place for you and you need to adjust and join in. You don't have to clean, cook or do laundry. You have socialization activities and outings u would not have at home. Enjoy it Mom"

Then never say anything again. Ignore her. I hope u have POA because that house should be sold. The upkeep thats paid on it, could go towards Moms care.

Its not what Mom wants now, its what she needs.

She may and she may not become more acclimated to where she is; only time can tell. For some the thinking is circular and they get kind of "stuck" in this circuitous thinking. For others they forget home and make contacts and friends and enjoy the activity. Again, only time will tell. Consider consulting with her doctor if you are POA to see if a mild anti- depressant may serve as a sort of bridge over this time of change. Sure wish you the best. One predictable thing about dementia is that is is NOT predictable.

Best to you. Hope you'll update us.

You don't mention dementia, but it does sound like mom suffers from it, with wanting to go home all the time and not recognizing her own deficits as those of us with healthy brains would.

My mother lived in AL from 88 to 92 years old. She liked it. Then she moved into Memory Care Assisted Living at 92.5 when her dementia ramped up and she became wheelchair bound. She fell 95x in AL and MC and still she was fine and dandy to come live with me, expecting that I would clean up her incontinence blowouts every day, haul her 200 lbs in and out of bed/chair/wheelchair etc. Shower her single handedly, pick her up from the floor single handedly every time she fell which was 3x a day some days......with dementia at play, they lose all sense of logic. You can't reason with them anymore. I couldn't say Mom, you can't move in with me bc I can't manage your care.....she would come up with 25 reasons why she required no care! Senseless. So you tell mom it's DOCTORS ORDERS she live in AL and until you hear otherwise, AL is where she stays. Period. Then leave her presence or hang up the phone. She's safe and well cared for, that's all you need to know. She may adjust tomorrow or never, who knows?

It's up to HER to carve out a life for herself now, or not....her choice. I guarantee you, though, she's saving all her sob stories for you and isn't half as miserable in AL as she is pretending to be. It's their M.O., all of them, to have us think they're being starved and mistreated when they're really playing bingo and gossiping at lunch with the other blue hairs 😂🤣😃 My mother did fine in both AL and MC.......she just made it her hobby to make ME feel guilty for placing her there when I had no other choice. Once I realized that, I was able to relax and know she was properly placed and I was being played.

She has got to have dementia. You say you’re the only person to help her but with what tasks? what can’t the staff do? I agree with telling her it’s dr’s orders. I tell my parents that all the time. They’re 92 and in a nursing home. They have dementia. Mom thinks she can still cook and is going back to teaching like she did years ago. My parents will never adjust. They are incapable of it. Limit your visits or you’ll get as stressed out as i used to be

I'm in mid process with my mother with advance dementia. She had a PE and the hospital and doctors say she cannot live alone. I found a good MC and I will pick her up (lightly sedated). To drive (5 hrs) her to her "temporary" home. Mom has made it VERY clear she want to died in her house.

I'm using the excuse, you need more care than I can give while you recover from your PE. I'm hoping she can make the transition to MC.

This is hard process as children that we have to do for our parents. The quote that has helped me greatly, "We are not responsible for their happiness, but their well being and safety."

My mom really never adjusted. My mom had dementia so while she was not happy in the environment, she could not remember where she was prior to my placing her. Within a couple of days, she could not remember my home, where she lived for the previous 5 years. Still, it was impossible to make her happy. She was not social and did not enjoy activities. She was an introvert and was not comfortable with people coming in and out of her room. She did not have the personality that would allow her to embrace the change. But, I could not fix that, as much as I tried. I love what Circlepi2 said: "We are not responsible for their happiness, but their well being and safety". I quickly figured out that it was impossible to bring her happiness. I am not sure she was happy in my home. So, it was about my sanity and her safety. Not a great compromise but the only outcome possible.

Elderly people love to complain. It's the same reason they like to go over their entire medical history with anyone who wanders into their vicinity. Even if she is perfectly happy there, she will likely always piss and moan about it to get attention and sympathy.

Ignore it.

Geriatric Psychiatrist can walk both of you through this period of your lives and can prescribe medications to help your mom stay calm and compliant so she comes out the beneficiary of all your efforts.

Does her assisted living program offer an activities director and an on-call psychiatrist? See if a Gastroenterologist can get her bowels under control.


While the professionals are caring for her, be sure you take care of you and be a frequent visitor who brings her sunshine.

You can't make your mom happy or content. You can help keep her safe by having her cared for by professionals. When she complains, say, "Thank you, but I need to be going." Then say, "Goodbye," and leave. My husband is in Memory Care. I made the mistake of asking him if he was happy. He said, "How can I be happy? Look at me." It was one of his rare moments of lucidity. I have not said that word, "happy" since. I ask if he is comfortable? has pain? thirsty? hungry? sleepy? Is he happy? NEVER.

cpeitz81: Since you state in your profile that you "just completed chemo and radiation," it is best that you focus on your own health concerns. Quite obviously, your mother cannot live on her own; many elders erroneously claim to not require help.

You made a very wise choice to place your mom in assisted living. As others have said, when dementia sets in, the ability to see reality leaves.

So, whether or not your mom settles in, take comfort in knowing that you did what was best for her.

She may not appreciate what you have done for her and I am sure that is bothersome for you.

It’s sad that she isn’t at peace with living in her facility. I certainly hope that she will come around in time. Give her some time. Has she ever taken any medication for anxiety?

Your health is a priority and cannot be neglected. Please take care of your needs.

Best wishes to you and your mother.

When you go to see her, try to get her to tell her all the good things that have happened to her. Point out to her where being in the AL is much better.

I was told that negative feelings are much more powerful than positive feelings. We all have a tendency to remember negative over positive.

Therefore, you will need to make her recall and remember the positive. The negative feelings just come as an extra.

My hats to you for not caving in and have her move in with you.

It's a choice. If Mom chooses to drive you nuts instead of building new a life then that is what she will do. You have the choice to support to this or not. Whatever you do, do NOT move her in with you. You will endlessly hear that they took better care of her at the ALF.

It's all they want... They want to back to "THEIR BASELINE".. It is sad and
WE WILL BE THERE TOO.. :(

It more like they know they are not in control anymore.. I cannot really explain it..
It just breaks me... She was congnificent enough to know she was being unwillingly moved out of her wonderful home to an unfamiliar place, but she wasn't actually mentally or physically sound to remain independent...

I THINK THIS IS THE HARDEST PART OF ::

AGINGCARE....

I don't think any of us will really get used to that... And now we, too, are facing this about ourselves.... or will be soon.....

This stage of life often feels like there are a lot of "take-aways"--specifically autonomy. I work in an AL community and see it close up with families dealing with this. My own mother was very angry and referred to her gorgeous and active Senior Community as "THE PRISON" for the first three months. What ultimately changed it for her was getting her involved with activities and meeting some people with whom she felt a positive connection. Please ask the community's Activities Director to help. Often there are Ambassador groups that are there to help people feel more welcome. The community can help by extending a personal invitation to activities that might interest her. There may be groups/clubs she would enjoy. The more involved they are the better. Even having some choices in desirable activities can help break the cycle of unhappiness a bit. If the community does not have a good activities calendar or staff, that may be a problem. Also, be aware that the most involved family member is the easiest person to be angry with/vent to. Even though it is not your fault at all. I think most of us would feel frustrated to some extent in this situation. A lot of aging people lose their "filters" due to changes in their brain and they say things they never would have said previously. Take it with a grain of salt and keep encouraging her to get busy.

Never, one just "accepts" similar to what a prisoner given life in prison would do,