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Not too long, though my little mother, who was riddled with pain and only weighed 85 pounds, was "dying" for three days (though, in reality, she'd been dying for months).

Her heart was so strong. Her organs had been shutting down one by one for weeks before hospice put her on meds and took her off hydration. She was comfortable but her heart kept beating. It was a long three days for my sister and for me, but when she died she died peacefully. As long as your father is not in pain, it is okay. He'll last as long as his heart beats, and that is different for everyone.

We are thinking of you and with you in sprit.

Carol
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As a registered nurse most patients will be able to survive about one week, or a little bit longer. It just depends on how strong they are and how strong their will to live is. Just make sure the nurses and doctors keep your dad comfortable with pain medications if he needs them. Please talk to your dad and let him know you are there for him. Patient's can hear even if they do not respond. This is a difficult time for everyone so keep in touch if you need us.
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Thanks for the mention of talking to the patient, Heavyload. Touch is also generally welcome. My sister and I touched our parents, held their hands and talked to them (and to each other, in their presence).

I do believe our presence was known and wanted. Attended deaths can be beautiful, when the person is dying after a long struggle and they are ready. My first attended death was with my uncle. That experience, as well as the deaths of my parents, became stories that remain in my heart and also events I've written about. We will all die. It is part of the life cycle. Helping someone die with loving support is one of the most important things we can do. Not always are we given this chance, but when we are, it's an experience most of us would never forget.

Carol
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They do indeed hear what you said my husband calmed down after I told him it was alright for him to go to be with God-he had been anxious trying to tell me something before that and when I tiod him I knew what he wanted to say and said those words to him he was calm and peaceful the rest of the time untill he left us hours later and others have told me it was the same with their loved ones,
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Thanks, as always, Austin, for your insight. Many people wait for "permission" to let go. They are afraid to leave their grieving family.

Austin's experience is fresh and we appreciate each jewel she shares on this issue.
Carol
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When my Grandmother was dying she had pneumonia and was coughing and struggling to breath... I knew she was waiting for mycousin, her only Grandson to come and visit. He was NOT coming and I knew that too... I told her that he was not coming, not to hurt or be mean. I loved her very much but I didnot want her to suffer. She died within 24 hrs. Often folks need to know their loved ones will be OK. My other Grandmother's hip broke and she fell @ age 97. She had the surgery and did real well however she was determined that she would not be able to walk again she quit eating would not drink, pulled out IV's etc. I said to her," Gran if you don't eat you are going to die and she replied Yes and you need to let me go, Lassie." Lassie is what Scottish folks call a girl... She was gone within 3 wks.All through her illness her eyes were closed unless you spoke to her, the day she died her eyes were wide open. I think she wanted to see heaven.
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Thank you to all who responded. I saw my dad a few hours ago and he was bright eyed. It seemed that he had an idea that this is the end and he doesn't seem or look like he is ready to go. I am really rethinking my DNR after seeing the progression with dad. I am still confused by the recent events as directed by the family member with medical POA. I think that 1 episode of gagging on food and drink does not constitute a total lack of ability to eat and drink.I realize that I was not standing there when it happened so my exposure to it was after the fact. There are moments when I can tell the dementia is really bad and he does not have his bearings, but at least half the time when the drugs wear off he seems like he could just get up and go home.

Again thank you all for your prayers and letting me got some of this off my chest.
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If he's better when the drugs wear off, then his drugs need to be re-examined. You are right that one episode of gagging hardly constitutes "the end is near." You may be onto something here.

One thing to note however: If people are going steadily downhill and they truly are near death, a rally is very common. People think, "Oh, they are really pulling back and improving now." And then they are gone. This is very, very common and confuses a lot of people.

That said, your information sounds as though the wrong drugs (or dosage, or too many drugs), or jumping to conclusions because of one bad episode could have some people thinking the end is near. If you don't trust the people with the POA, it's good to keep an eye out.

Good luck with this. It can get very confusing. Having a chat with the medical people on who care for him would be helpful, if you can get accurate information.
Carol
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