How much do I push to get DH to deal with emotional issues?
My DH announced 2 weeks ago, via his daily conference call with his co-workers that he is planning to retire on July 10th, the day after I turn 65.
My gasp (as I was working in the office also) and my LOUD "what the HECK are you talking about???" came across loud and clear to his boss & co workers. Silence, then his boss said "Hey, you probably need to come in to the office to discuss this".
Ya think??
I GET that he is sick and tired of WFH, he needs the socialization of the office and the atta-boys that come from traveling and fixing anything and everything. Truth is, the company has no one with which to replace him. They'd be up a serious creek if he retires in 6 months. He's bored, but retiring will just increase that boredom 1000 fold.
I was FURIOUS that he didn't really discuss this with me. Thinks if HE retires, so do I. Actually, him being home all last year reminded me what a messy, unorganized creature he is.
His health is poor, won't go into details, but the fact he's alive now is a miracle. He does not take care of himself. He sleeps and works and that's it. And he sleeps each week at some point for 2-3 days. He gets up only to drink a protein shake. I do NOT fuss him nor ask him to do anything, ever.
Yes, he is supremely depressed. Some issues lately with his mother has made this much worse. She's 90 and still pushing all his buttons. He has a guilt cloud circling him 24/7/365.
After a 4 day sleep-a-thon during the holidays, I blew up at him and said he HAD to get some counseling help, and a psych workup. Gave him the ultimatum that IF he planned to retire and 'give up' I was going to file for divorce. This is the first time in 45 years I've 'gone there'. but honestly, I am so sick, so utterly exhausted from dancing around his bad moods, sadness, and just his utter misery over--I don't KNOW what.....
He had one day to mull this over--did ask if I were serious and I said "without question, I'm NOT watching you slowly die b/c you're too lazy to get some help". He's been out of town for 10 days and won't be home for about 10 more. So I am now calm and have a list of Drs to choose from, with an assortment of therapies they use. His call.
My sister has a basement apartment and if he chooses to do nothing, I am moving in with her and will be working for a family business. I'll be poor in MY retirement, which stinks, but I'll be OK.
So--how much do I push? He is the KING of procrastination and can easily put off a chore for a year or even 10. Calling a Dr. can take months and months. And it's not like he doesn't have time. If he can sleep for 72 hours straight, he can make a couple phone calls. He can make a couple Drs appts.
As far as a relationship--we're like an estranged brother and sister. He hasn't touched me or shown me any affection in years. So that's kind of a big deal which is on the 'we don't talk about this' table. He's not mean to me, he's nothing. I will say, he has been a good provider and supportive of my desire to be a SAHM--even though we probably struggled financially as a result. He always has had a good job and is faithful (as far as I know--I can't imagine another woman being OK with the lack of affection as I have to be).
I DO want this marriage to continue and work and be better. I know a lot of people have problems that surface in retirement that were buried during the 'working years'..but right now, I can't bear to have him around.
He's not the guy I married. I see almost nothing in him from what attracted me to him originally. He CAN be kind, loving and good hearted, but not to me.
I'm just wondering how 'pushy' I should be to get him to know I am serious about leaving him if he doesn't get some help, but also to d so in a loving way--I certainly don't hate him--I'm just really, really disappointed in how he is CHOOSING to act and the sadness he is CHOOSING to live with.
I think that close to retirement, in retired years, a lot of couples come to "contentment" and "companionability" in a way that creates of them "close friends" and "supportive roommates" living almost separate lives much of the time, and meeting together periodically to commiserate, share a glass of wine, discuss their days.
But that is not the case for you. Apparently you have NOT been happy with "not being touched" for years. Does he know that? I don't know that you have "gone there" with your husband. And he didn't even tell you he was announcing one of the major passages of our lives, his retirement. Who DID he tell? Anyone?
This is a "couple" problem as well as possibly a depression problem for each of you at this point.
I would suggest you each get individual therapy, and then possibly couples therapy, because there are a lot of connections that are disconnected between the two of you. At the same time you want to control him to the extent of "he must see someone" and then collecting names and modes of therapies, you two are not discussing the very basics of your everyday living.
Things sound to be a mess of crossed wires. And you aren't communicating about the fact that nothing is showing up on the screen. Perhaps you can no longer communicate from where you have ended up.
When I try to interpret this message you have left us I SEE a tangled web of wires that no one can make out how to plug into the right connectors to get things "working again".
I think you both need professional help. Then I think you need couples help. I think you are not only NOT on the same page, I think you aren't reading the same book, or even in the same library yet.
I am so sorry but this is just so confusing to me. On the one hand almost too much communication in that you have diagnosed your hubby and plan his treatments, and too little in that he seems clueless you have a problem with your entire life as it has been going for the last years. (As in his REALLY??? You are LEAVING????)
Then there is the no communication re his retirement , no communications it was even planned (and boy are you RIGHT to fear that change if you haven't talked of it and made plans for it). Men, especially, have a lot of shock on retirement. Without hobbies and plans they are truly at loose ends for a while.
By the way, curious about your "being poor" if you separate. Why would you be "poor" in retirement? The division of assets would make you BOTH more poor than you are together but should not leave one rich and one poor.
You are right now not communicating well at all. Nothing will get better until you do. Which of you is avoiding communicating I can't really tell, but I think you both have done it because you both fear true communicating at this point.
I understand my response to you sounds TRULY a confused muddle. It is how I feel after reading your post. I am all over the place, lost amidst that tangle of unconnected wires.
I truly sympathize with all you have written us. You have opened your heart. I wish I had more. I want to tell you that right now I wish you would RUN, not walk, to a good counselor, and I wish you would take your post to us with you. I am concerned for YOU almost more than for him. In his own way he seems to be muddling through happily all over the place. For you, you have ended in a desperate place. You clearly have been planning your escape for a little bit here.
I sure think that a brief separation is not out of line. Your sanity may depend upon it, and you have a place to go, support, and work to do.
As to how pushy you should get? You will not get him to get help if he doesn't wish to. And you already told him you are leaving. How much more can you push? And to what end? This isn't just HIM> this is BOTH of you.
I wish you so much luck. I hope you will update us as you try to untangle some of this. I wish you BOTH good luck.
The moment I heard his car pull into the garage was when the depression hit ME and I'd start gritting my teeth. That's when I knew it was time to file for divorce. Mainly because there 'was nothing wrong with him.' He refused to get help or even admit there was a problem inside of his mind that needed to be addressed. So it was 'my fault'. Ok fine, it's my fault, let's go our own separate ways.
I suggest HE move out of your home and that you NOT move into your sister's basement apartment, if he refuses to get help! Wise up, and figure out how to take care of YOU, and let him sleep the days away elsewhere, if that's what DH chooses to do. It's a choice we all make in life. To live or to die. To be present or to bow out. If he CHOOSES to bow out, then he needs to live elsewhere, not you.
So, my DH left the family home, not me. He moved into a downtown executive apartment that was furnished. After he got himself FIRED from a very high 6 figure job (north of $500K per year), he moved to Breckenridge to ski every day! Yep. I did not begrudge him that; he was in his FORTIES when all that transpired! I even helped him buy furniture for the new place.
Do what YOU have to do to be happy & fulfilled in life. Living like this is half a life. You deserve a whole life. DH does too, but it's HIS choice to sh*t or get off the pot, not yours.
Look out for yourself.
You are in the same boat I was in back in 2002. I loved my ex, I just couldn't stand him anymore. I wanted the best for him, HE didn't want the best for himself. And you can't MAKE somebody choose that for himself. HE has to want it. Not you. YOU have to want the best for YOURSELF.
You deserve it.
Fast forward a bunch of years. My ex decided there was something wrong with him AFTER all, and he needed $$$ in the form of SSDI since he was fired from such a high paying job. He went to a psychiatrist & was finally diagnosed with 2 mental illnesses which did get him SSDI. He began living like a hermit in the mountains because there 'was something wrong with him', ironically, and became a true burden to my 2 children. Then he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer 5 years ago March. I'm really glad I divorced him & didn't have to go through all of THAT, too, on top of what I'd gone through for 22 years. I don't mean to sound mean or anything, just truthful. Again, it's the 'taking care of ME' part of the story I want YOU to hear. Some people don't get better, they just get worse.
My ex is cancer free now, btw, but mentally, he's shot. My kids suffer his anxiety and OCD behaviors daily, unfortunately. I was wise, in hindsight, to have made the right decision back in 2002. Not out of malice or hate, but out of a need to self preserve. That's our God given right & what we SHOULD do: take care of ourselves & live our best life! We are only given one, and it's pretty short at that.
Wishing you the best of luck, whatever you choose to do.
i always love your answers! hugs!!
Thanks for your comments & support. I just found out I have a UTI which may explain why I feel so angry and mean. Shouldn't have aired all this dirty laundry on y'all.
But good advice. And I think Cwillie is right. I'm not going to push at all. DH asked me to find a list of providers and he would vet them. I will give that to him next week when he comes home. I know DH WANTS to feel better.
I really need a vacation :(
Praying for you guys!
Colleen