My mother has bathed about twice in the past two weeks and never washed her hair in that time. I just got out and asked her if she would like to take a bath and wash her hair. It turned into a screaming tantrum. She refused to wash her hair and said she would take a bath later, which means she is NOT taking a bath. She goes out into the yard and works around enough that she does need a bath just to at least feel better if not clean but it is like pulling teeth to get her to do it. There is always an excuse of, I'm tired, I'll do it later, I took one yesterday. Washing her hair she says, no I do not wash it in the shower, I wash my hair in the kitchen sink, so I tell her okay lets go and i will help you. That does not work she begins yelling. In reality she DOES wash it in the shower NOT in the kitchen sink. About 40 years ago she washed it in the kitchen sink but never since way back then.
This is an ongoing problem that I have tried to handle every way I can and nothing works. Today I finally told her that if she continued to refuse to bathe and wash her hair, of her own free will, then I will have to hire a home care nurse to come and help her. World War III broke out and i was called every name in the book, and told that "if you even try it, you will find your a--- sitting out in the street looking for a new place to live!"
I do not push her to bathe on a daily basis or even every other day because of her tantrums. I can't take it and neither can my daughter. I don't know that bathing every day is a necessity but honestly can you all give me your opinions on how often she should reasonably be expected to bathe. Prior to the dementia she bathed every single day, not any more.
I am her 24/7 caregiver, daughter and DPOA. I live in her home with my daughter and care for her without any compensation and I actually pay for household expenses.
TIPS: Use hand towels instead of bath towels. Keep various body parts covered so LO doesn't get cold. Portable heaters are a great help, preferably oscillating heater to avoid direct heat (which is too much). Wash and dry each area instead of waiting to dry after total bath. Keep hand towel in place until ready to wash then dry off and put towel back over area. Gloves diminish your sensitivity to heat and cold. Closely monitor heat level.
MORE TIPS: If in bed, use bath towels from dryer. One under body. One over body. Low lights. Soft music. Talk calmly and slowly. Talk about something else or warn as you touch body depending on LO awareness level and demeanor. Paper bathing dresses or shorts are available online if showering. (run Google search). Shower chair helpful. Use detaching arm, rain shower head if possible (Bed Bath & Beyond). Shower shoes for traction (also BBB).
OPTION # 1 (my preference) = No Rinse Cleaning & Deodorizing Bathing Wipes (soft, pre-moistened cloths provide convenient bathing alternative) (www.norinse.com) = CleanLife Products (800.223.9348). Cloths made with Rayon/Poly mix. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed. Aloe Vera Enriched - No Alcohol. UPC # 0 75244 01000 9. Package of 8; heat in microwave 15 seconds then test and heat in 5 to 10 second increments, if needed until appropriate temp or use at room temp; package shows how to use, but general rule = 1 cloth for body quadrant (in order of use): (1) Face (avoid eyes), Neck, Chest (incl boobies) (2) Left Arm (3) Right Arm (4) Perineum = privates = let LO handle if able. (5) Left Leg + Feet (6) Right Leg + Feet (7) Back (8) Buttocks.
ACTIONS: Discard each cloth after bathing designated area. Bada bing - done deal!
OPTION # 2 = Plastic bowl of warm water + body wash and shampoo liquid formula + bath cloth.
ACTIONS: Use above tips. Soak bath cloth. Wring out almost completely. Bathe body quadrants as in Option # 1. Rinse cloth well each time and bath quadrant again. Dry each area.
ADD'L INFO: Watch Teepa Snow videos on bathing. Twice a week is plenty.
SHAMPOO: Soaking wet cloth but not dripping. Soak scalp until wet, but not dripping. Cradle cap - warm to hot, as much as possible. Leave in place. When done with loose hair, use thin gloves. Scrub w/ nails as much as possible to remove cradle cap. Can also use comb to scrub scalp and loosen cradle cap. If LO can tolerate, soak w/ Head & Shoulders instead of bath and shampoo liquid formula. Remember, everything incl scalp is much more tender than yours.
ACTIONS: Wash rest of hair (in quadrants) in same manner. Rinse cloth, soaking wet w/ clear water from 2nd bowl. Once rest of hair is clean, go back to scalp. Use detangling comb to comb out water into towel around neck. Use towel to squeeze and rub dry. Finally, if LO can tolerate, use hair dryer on lowest heat. Stay away from neck + other skin = TENDER.
Hope this has been helpful!!
BTW, where I live the nursing home provides a bath/shower twice a week, not daily.
maybe this is why there is a global outbreak of scabies - I read on the internet that 13 million people world wide have scabies - I think it would be mainly demented people refusing to ever washh - and their carer children who catch it off of them. ALl the more reason why all demented people should be forced to go into a nursing home - where they get looked after properly and made to shower once every day.
Yes, our parents do act child-like because they just don't understand that what we are doing for them is in their best interest. It can be extremely frustrating! Caretaking is tough! Take care of your mom but remember to also TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
Maybe you should hire someone to help your mom bathe and shower. This would give you free time you didn't have before and It would probably reduce your stress level. Take a deep breath and hang in there!
Seemeride, I love how you talk and tell stories to get her mind off what is happening. It sounds like although it is work you are both having a fairly good time while you are "taking care of business!" Love It!
Several of you mentioned the coolness of the water and I was rather shocked yesterday that Mom yelled at me at one point saying the water was hot when in reality the water was lukewarm, almost cool. I was immediately wondering if when they have dementia or Alzheimer's do they lose their sense of temperature? Mom's dog sleeps in my room under the bed and Mom comes in numerous times each night to check on her and she will say, "It's too hot in here can't you turn your air conditioner down to hit the floor and 10 minutes later she is back complaining that it is too cold and the dog needs a blanket! So do they lose their sense of hot and cold?
I wish I had a chair that could lean back like in beauty shops so I could say to Mom, just have a seat and "I will give you beauty shop treatment!" That is what we use to say to the kids and now the dog....I think she would maybe laugh at it....but sit down and let me wash her hair.
Thank you all for your suggestions and stories. I wish I knew something special she liked that we could do that would make it seem worthwhile to her. I honestly HATE to experience her yelling and tantrums and at times I get upset and that doesn't help. That is why I told her if she refused to bathe or wash her hair I would hire someone to come in and help her, that was my frustration. They act like children but with a child you can normally make them do what you want I just don't want Mom to be upset and angry.....it hurts when you are trying to do what is best for them but they do not see it that way.
This seems to be working for now. Down the line....who knows? This week mom has a hair appointment so I'm gearing myself up for "I don't need a haircut." (she does) and "Didn't I just get it cut?" (five weeks ago).....then there might be/most likely will be some complaining about having to go to the salon....then after the haircut "Oh, it looks so nice!".......... "Yes, mom, it does!" ;)
Now some of this cooperation from him may come from the fact that he doesn't recognize me much at all anymore -- especially in the evening when he showers. Often times he thinks he is in a medical facility and that I work here. He doesn't know I am his daughter. Most nights when he goes to bed he tells me that I am one of his favorites here and he hopes I'm working tomorrow. If it seems to make it easier on him, I go with it and assume the role of caregiver and call him by his name rather than "Dad." It works well for us.