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Hi, my in-laws live with my family for the past 12+ years. Mother in law has been disabled since 2009, we are an Indian household. I as a daughter in law have taken care of them pretty well, working part-time, dealing with their medical consults and other appointments myself. I have 2 sons. Since 2021 father in law has started acting vulgar. First was verbal, now it is actions. His logical mind knows the difference between a daughter and daughter in law. Having no blood relation makes it okay was his explanation when I told he should not do it. Even though I try to convince myself it's his dementia I can't help hating him. I still take care of everything at home but I can't get rid of the contempt I feel for him. Advise please

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My first thought was why isn't your husband saying anything to his dad....then it occurred to me that if your FIL has dementia, he isn't going to remember his son telling him it's inappropriate to put the moves on his wife. I still feel like it is your husbands job to intervene regardless of whether his dad will remember or not. If he is not offering, demand it.

FIL's physician should be told so that they can medicate him appropriately.
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Make sure he is not forcing himself on any person in the home. He should also not act inappropriate in front of children and those who may be offended (including you). If any of these things happen, make sure to safeguard people that he tends to approach. Also, get an appointment with his doctor NOW to get this behavior problem dealt with. He may need medications for anxiety and/or a behavior modification program.
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https://www.apdaparkinson.org/what-is-parkinsons/symptoms/sexual-effects/#:~:text=Hypersexuality%3A%20While%20occurring%20in%20less,combined%20with%20a%20dopamine%20agonist).

You need to discuss your FIL's behavior with his Parkinson's team asap.
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I have looked after a gent with Parkinson's for 13 years.
At one stage he was obsessed with pornography it is the medication
You must review his meds it's one pill in particular...but can't remember the name of it.
They will change it.
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Mrsanuale: Perhaps his physician can give him medication for the ISB/Inappropriate Sexual Behavior.
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You really can’t hold it against him if he has mental problems. But I would sit him down and talk seriously to him tell him is not ok and would he like a “provider” to release any desires he may have. You may find once he gets it out of his system he calms down. You can always use it as a bribe to keep him in line.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2022
You are joking, I hope. She can't hold it against him bc he "has mental problems" but yet you tell her to "sit him down and talk seriously to him tell him is not ok and would he like a “provider” to release any desires he may have." You apparently don't understand dementia at ALL if you think you can "talk seriously" to him and have it get thru. Also, are you aware that prostitution "providers" aren't legal in the USA?

The man needs medication for ISB. And she needs to quit being his caregiver. Why is it that men always have some half-arsed excuse for why it's pretty much OKAY for other men to sexually abuse women??? It's not okay. Period.
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You are being abused , any way one looks at it;. FIL illness does not change this.
Your emotional and physical well being are being highly compromised.
It is time that other options for FIL care be considered and placement process begin.
Get his doctor involved and ask for referrals to assist placement in a facility for the FIL. This will not be easy, but your well being as well as your MIL and your family are at stake here.
Loving and caring does not include abuse . Get social services involved if necessary. If he becomes physically combative or aggressive ( sexual advances can be considered aggressive and combative) call 911 and have him transported to ER; from there, refuse to let them send him back to your home; clearly explaining to them what is happening. The social services in ER can begin the process to help you place him in an appropriate facility.
If finances are issue, get the social worker to begin Medicaid process and Medicaid placement.
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First, your contempt for him isn't the primary issue here. It's your safety.

Second, there are unanswered questions: 1) How old are your sons? Are they young enough to be at risk, or old enough to be present when you're caring for your FIL, and be able to defend you?
2) Where does your husband figure into this? He should be your first defender against his father.
3) Have his actions escalated to where it would be considered sexual assault? Disabilities do not trump criminal law. Would your FIL understand a threat from you that you will call the police if he assaults you, and that you'll be recording all encounters with him?

I hope you're able to find a safe solution.
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You shouldn't take this at all. Broken brain or no broken brain. This behavior is inappropriate and it's sickening. I had one of my first client's with a new agency I had signed up with last year. I had been forced into retirement during the pandemic and decided to take a bridge program from CNA to HHA. Once I completed the course and passed the test, I was licensed to work in my city. I got this middled aged man and it was horrible. He was totally inappropriate. The mess that came out of this man's mouth was shocking. I had male clients years ago but nothing to this extreme. Well, he ended up touching me, and then got angry because I would not allow him to copy my driver's license. I excused myself, went downstairs and called the agency and told them what happened. I sat in this home for another hour before I left. The agency's owner was aware of this client's behavior. I told the owner; do not send anymore women into this man's home! It was a waste of time. I lost work time and then didn't have a case. I tried to go back to my old agency, but they only had short cases during that time. I ended up applying for unemployment. I was like anything was better than going back into these homes where these people were being obnoxious. I ended up with another bad case with someone I stayed with for two months and haven't been back to work in a year. This type of work never works out for me. It is a lot of mental wear and tear on the caregivers. If these husbands knew what caring for these individuals entails, they wouldn't be so quick signing their wives up for this type of bondage. I would tell my husband that I want to leave. He can hire someone to come care for his parents especially if you are in the US. I don't think this is a cultural thing. I think it's because we were born women, and we are expected to automatically to become caretakers for any sick relative in need.
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One of my father's caregivers is able to keep him in line. Several left the home. This wonderful blond woman (my dad's favorite) was loud and clear when I was in the house early on "How dare you!" or "No!" and you can hear a slap of a hand. Oh, I was clear what is happening as she and I had agreed what would happen. And when they were out of the bathroom, I tell her "good job" and to Dad "Really?" My dad was remorseful. She had been showering him. Fortunately, his abilities were finally to where he could wash his privates on his own. (He had a stroke Nov 2021 and his left side has been rehabilitating since then.)
After that time, it has been less, and she is deliberately loud (not sure she can help it, and bless her, and I'm glad) when it happens. Getting him soft toys to hold while watching TV, being sure his stuffed animals he loves and talks to are close, letting him go in the office and close the door (porn time) have also helped the situation. Sometimes my caregiver's husband is in the next room and sometimes my mother hears. It is awful and he is remorseful when the brain wakes up with the slap. I would not subject a nursing care home with his known behavior. He was in one for awhile when he couldn't get out of bed on his own and later I got the notion he was ignored because his behavior could be inappropriate. They said nothing and I wish they had taken be aside...but I understand why they didn't.
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Tagtae Dec 2022
I love this story of the blonde (my hubby fav is red heads) thank you for sharing.
my hubby had stroke too. His bad sexual behavior is only with me. I just had a hysterectomy and mom came over to help and would spend the night. We were kinda limited on sleeping arrangements and no way could I share bed with hubby cause I was in too much pain. I already knew what would happen but I jokingly said mom and hubby could share the queen sized bed while I took the couch. Both at same time yelled “no”!! It was too funny. Mom took couch, hubby got air camping mattress and dog and I got the queen soft mattress!
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He might need to be placed in a facility.
Or unfortnately, lock his room door so he is around others in only supervised situations. I do not understand statement "... we are an Indian household." Does this mean indigenous or India - and how does your culture compound your situation?

Hating him is frustration and a displaced emotion. Understand that you feel trapped and perhaps embarrassed and angry - all of this, resulting in how you associate / attribute 'hate feelings' towards him. The more you can understand him and the more solutions / behaviors (of family, whoever has the POA) makes changes, you will not 'hate him,' you will feel deep compassion, realizing that how you 'feel' towards others affecting you 99.9% of the time, not the other person.
Perhaps consider therapy for yourself or at least a support group. You and how you feel is not unique to you. Getting in a support group may help you understand and process your feelings differently - in ways that support you and the family dynamic. Gena / Touch Matters
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pamzimmrrt Dec 2022
I am pretty sure she means indian from India,, as a partly NA I can tell you we wont take this stuff, women are normally the "big" women in the house as we get older. And the respect for NA's is more built in for the women. I have many Indian from India friends and they are much more submissive than older NA women are!
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It is time to make a couple of moves. Moving out of the family home will free you up to start living your life. I am not of your culture, so I can only imagine that it's difficult to untangle yourself from the family web: your culture might clash with the laws.

Suggest you make a "family" appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist so that everyone can get on the same page. It might be a safety issue for you, so you need to move out or get the family on board with getting him placed in Memory Care.

An Elder Law Attorney would be able to help you figure out the options and how to finance them. You do not have to accept abuse from anyone, please take care of YOU.
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I dealt with this - You have to tell them “ To knock it off or they will have to live somewhere else “ be firm . Is he watching porn ? You can take his computer away from him . It seems that they masterbate as a form of self medicating - and as a activity due to their primitive brain and it’s not uncommon in nursing homes - Yes tell your husband he needs to replace you as you can no longer do this job it’s making you physically sick and your health and psyche are important as well as healthy boundaries- sorry you are experiencing this behavior.
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Tagtae Dec 2022
What’s wrong with porn? Better to watch porn than to grab the DIL. Nothing wrong with masterbating. It’s not a sin.

I agree if DIL can’t keep FIL in line and dealing with him is harming her she should be replaced. She shouldn’t be with this abuse. Is there an adult male family member to help?
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Sadly, it's not uncommon for people with dementia to lose their social barriers and experience personality changes, often not for the better. Speak to your husband and his doctor about this. Maybe there are medications that can quiet your FIL's mind. It's not OK for him to act vulgar with you. You are his kind angel, and he is abusing his position as FIL. Also, your sons should not be witnessing this behavior on a daily basis. I would also recommend speaking with your sons in an age-appropriate way to let them know that this behavior is not acceptable, and explain that that your FIL is not well mentally. Perhaps it's time to get help with an in-home (male) caregiver for your FIL, if he (and your family) can afford it. Connect with a local social worker to discuss your FIL's and your options. There are programs to assist the elderly and also to assist family caregivers. Don't keep this to yourself. Get therapy for yourself if you think it will help. If things get to be too much for you, discuss moving your in-laws to an assisted living/memory care facility. There is no shame in it. They will have professional staff who know how to handle people with their conditions. All the best to you!
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This is unacceptable. I don’t care how broken someone’s brain is, you do not have to tolerate being the caregiver of someone who is sexually aggressive towards you. It’s time to place him. I understand the cultural difficulties you must face with this reality, but it’s time to tell your husband that you are done being his father’s caregiver. If he doesn’t want to place him, he can hire someone to do it instead of you. Hold your ground. You deserve safety and peace. Your life matters just as much as your father in laws does.
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I don't do sexual assault in any way, shape or form. If he knows not to touch his daughter he will fully understand being told he will draw back a bloody stump next time he touches you.

Then I would slap his hand hard enough that he knows you mean it. Every time he says are does anything vulgar and predatory it should be dealt with swiftly and harshly. If people don't like that, let them take his perverted self to their homes and deal with him.

Shame on your husband for not protecting you from this thing that use to be his dad.
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If there is some cultural difficulty in disengaging from physically caring for this sexually aggressive FIL maybe there's a respected elder in the Indian community who could help navigate a better course of action, which is also sensitive to the cultural and religious beliefs of the entire household. Including the FIL himself, I hope.
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I'm not sure what cultural traditions have to do with this story. Yes, Indian women are sometimes indentured servants to the men in this culture. But as far as sexual inappropriateness goes, what does that have to do with the culture?

I'm married to an East Indian man. I'm caucasian in case anyone is wondering. One of the very first times I met my future F I L he made inappropriate comments to me. He was only in his sixties at the time and his faculties were still intact as far as I know. I've also caught him checking out my butt on occasion. This has nothing to with any disease of the mind or body.

I hope it is your F I L's dementia that is the reason behind this and he is not just hiding behind that to get away with something. I also hope your husband takes this seriously enough to do something about it. There is not any scenario where this is okay. If respecting the cultural traditions of taking care of F I L is something you feel is important then by all means continue but only if this behavior stops.
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One thing not yet mentioned is to have a chat about the problem with your MIL. She may be able to help, for example to avoid leaving him alone with you. I’m sure someone will point out that this will hurt her feelings, BUT if it gets worse she is going to find out anyway. That could be much worse again.

At a minimum, discuss with your husband both him talking to FIL and you talking to MIL.

And if FIL touches you inappropriately, hit his hand HARD with the side of your own hand. Hard enough to hurt. Be prepared to explain if he calls out for help. He may say it was a mistake, but it makes things very clear to him.
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ThomasY Dec 2022
Keep the home fries burning, Madge!
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Move him into a nursing home then he can have sex with other willing dementia residents anytime he wants (or so I am told by many members of this forum).
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Mobleymoon Dec 2022
What a horrible thing to suggest! I'm 70, a retired nurse and when you have to intervene between a male demented resident molesting a stroked out female resident, how is THAT A FIX? How is that fair? We can't baby sit 1:1, 24 hrs. We had this one very nice older guy. As his Parkinson's evolved he lost ALL his filters, all his quite niceness was gone. The vilest things came out of his mouth. Bring him up to the station so we ALL can keep an eye on him, was our thought. From the staff to the visitors, no one was safe from his mouth. And he started yelling his "wants" (his sexual fantasies) for all to hear. Get your doctor on board, get the patient on drugs, put your culture in the back seat. A demented brain is a dying brain. There is No Cultural that dementia cares about or is free from it destructive ends. Its awfull and I wish I was with you to help. Time goes too fast when you are loosing your loved one and too slow when it hurts so bad to watch. Its more common then you think, but even that doesn't help when they are yous. Time passes, this will too., I'm sorry.
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Its time your husband take over any intimate care of your FIL. If there are minors and your FIL tries something with them, he can be removed as a danger to your kids. It can also go the other way, CPS orders he is removed or the kids will be.
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I agree with every answer below.

My only addition is that you are in the U.S.. If your family lives here, it's time to abandon the harmful cultural traditions of India. Does your H do anything to take care of his father? Has he witnessed fil's inappropriate behavior? When you tell him about it (which I assume you do), what does he say?

Lula65 has a very good point. "Your husband is duty bound to uphold your honor and to avert his father acting in universally culturally inappropriate ways."

Insert this into the discussion -- your honor!

And please don't tell us that your H doesn't believe you if you've told him about his father's inappropriate behavior.
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Luta65 Nov 2022
@CTTN55,

Why would anyone tell another to "abandon the harmful cultural traditions of India" or of any other culture, bar the female oppressive ones as used to murder women's freedom in some of the Middle Eastern radicalized regions?

Perhaps studying the true Hindi traditions would allow you to see the beauty and honor of this and other world cultural practices.

Enough said.
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It depends on what you mean by "actions." If those actions involve your being sexually assaulted - you or anyone else, actually - then you need to place this firmly in your husband's hands. He can address the issue with his father, and perhaps hire male caregivers for any support routines that require the person helping to be within reach.

If your husband is reluctant to see what is happening - he might well be, since the actions aren't bothering him - then remind your husband that he has a duty to protect his father's dignity and these actions are making his father contemptible.
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It is a sensitive & embarrassing issue but you are 100% right to speak up.

Sexually inappropriate behaviour can happen with Parkinson's Disease, Dementia, Stroke, many brain diseases or acquired brain injuries.

Warning: This behaviour can be directed at children too. I don't know the ages of your children but having a frank (age appropriate) discussion about FIL's brain problem & what behaviour 'is not ok' & what to do may be needed too. Regardless of lack of intent from the elder, this behaviour can cause mental scars on children.

Speak to both your Husband & your FIL's Doctor. It may well be time for FIL to live elsewhere.
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My very minor insight into East Indian culture is based solely on my extensive insight and involvement in Native American and Black American cultures. I assume that traditions are part of your household that your family observes, esp with Elders in your home.

Your husband is duty bound to uphold your honor and to avert his father acting in universally culturally inappropriate ways. There should be no barrier to getting your FIL (who suffers from a broken brain) placed in managed care if medication will not completely stop his behaviors. Your MIL must be mortified too, leaving your husband with 2 women whose honor and modesty he must uphold. and 2 sons who will be learning from observing the manner in which he handles this.

Stop providing any personal cares for your FIL and insist on immediate action to either medicate him out of these horrible behaviors or have him placed. In the interim, have aids come in for his care and provide them with full disclosure; some may not feel able to handle this type of patient.

Although your feelings are fully justified and as understandable as they may be lasting, you may one day, be able to forgive his deeply violating words and deeds.

Please do not expose yourself further and in case any extended family is in disbelief, try to film what you may be yet exposed to, until this resolves.

I'm so very sorry that you've had to experience this not very rare manifestation of dementia. Forgive his behaviors to the extent that you can, once this is in the past.

Look to your traditions to carry you forward with grace.
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Mymomsthebest Dec 2022
Just want to point out that these aides should also not have to put up with his abuse ..def need medication and placement. Also remember that not only are your sons seeing this behavior which they may then condone and repeat or be resentful of and also think you are condoning that behavior in their grandfather. Also to note that this behavior will be what your children will remember about their grandfather , no matter how much goodness and honor may have come before…such a shame to make his grandsons always and forever to think of their grand sire this way due to a disease that took away his mental functions. This should be something important in your cultural traditions as well, not just that the daughter in law needs to put herself last and care for their elders. Find a good place for him ..but not your place.
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He needs to be cared for in a facility. This is way beyond your family responsibility. He needs help - elsewhere.
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Ewww this is very much not ok. It's no wonder you hate him. Tell your husband that unless and until FILs behavior is medically controlled, you will be providing NO care for him since you are concerned for your own safety. They need to call his doc ASAP. And hire some aides that he pays for. And you should get out of the house, away from an unsafe environment.
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Even though your FIL can't help his behavior due to his Parkinsonian dementia, you should still not have to tolerate such behavior. It's known as ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior and can often be treated with medication prescribed by his physician once s/he's notified.

If this were me, I'd refuse to care for the man any longer and insist he be placed in managed care b/c it's obviously time for such an action to be taken. Once a certain line is crossed, then it's time for managed care, in my opinion. We all have things we can't tolerate when it comes to caregiving; for some it's changing soiled briefs, for others it's inappropriate sexual actions. No woman should EVER have to tolerate such a thing, especially not from a family member.

What does your husband have to say about all of this?

Best of luck getting the man medicated in hopes of having him stop the vulgar behavior.
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