How similar is looking after toddlers/kids compared to looking after an elder with dementia?

It is not a comparable comparison because toddlers are learning and retaining and respond to rewards and punishments; if raised right they become less selfish and conscientious, and can show appreciation. Usually they can be joyful and provide us with great joy.

Not so with dementia. LOs with dementia are going in the opposite direction as toddlers. No amount of "discipline" and effort stops the relentless decline of their abilities. They lose their reason and logic and memory. They often do things that work against themselves (or you) without understanding or care; they lose the ability to show or express or feel gratitude; they require more and more care, not less and less like when a child grows and matures. They lose control of their bodily functions, and become sicker, not stronger and more vigorous like a child. If you think changin a toddler's poopy diaper is bad, sometimes dementia will have the LO remove the poopy diaper and fling it around. Or they'll openly masturbate in public or grab some stranger's derierre.

Children learn to communicate and can hear you, but often the very eldery can't; they may wish to be helpful but their physical collapse prevents them from it (arthritis, poor eyesight, neuropathy, judgment). Then there's the financial stress and possible loneliness when you can't go anywhere or do anything because your LO is bedbound and there's no one else helping you. Finally, there is the emotional toll that occurs as we have to stand by and watch our loved one disappear and/or suffer in spite of all our heroic efforts. Many elders here in the US have at one point or another said: "Getting old ain't for sissies." And neither is choosing to be a solo, live-in caregiver.

Absolutely no comparison!
Children are learning independence and it is wonderful to.watch them grow and mature.

Caring for elderly.there is no growth, there is no learning to become independent. It is hoping, against hope, that they are able to do.some level of caring for themselves.

I often make the same comparison, between my 3year old grandson, and his great-grandmother, who has dementia.

Some differences:

My grandson learns and improves on his behavior.
Mom does neither.

My grandson learns new and exciting things every day.
Mom forgets a bit more, daily.

My grandson is beginning to show empathy towards others.
Mom has zero empathy.

My GS goes through his days with a sense of hope and joy.
Mom has neither.

Please get yourself some help. Save your sanity.

Not the same because with children you are the boss from the start. Your parents were who you tried to please when you were a child and it feels really weird on both sides for the child of an elderly person to be in charge. You get used to it of course and it becomes easier to change roles, but that past dynamic is always there. Kids are way easier. My mom was actually quite delightful most of the time and once I got her into assisted living the stress lifted a bit, but it was still an incredibly hard 10 years. Children change so much and become more and more independent. Elders go the other direction. But, ha ha, maybe I've just forgotten those early years with the kids, where the mom days are still firmly planted in my memory. I do know that kids are not likely to let you forget they are still awake.

.

Well, firstly "size matters".
Secondly, you can reason with a small child that has some language ability from the first they can learn to bargain. You can't with an elder.
Thirdly we come to the issue of HOPE. I cannot begin to say how many come to Forum hopeless, that being the worst part of it all. With a child there is nothing BUT hope. There is a whole life ahead, and whole future, for the child and for you. When it comes to caring for our elders it is loss upon loss upon loss, grief upon grief upon grief.
I cannot call them similar at all.

It is not the same. I look at this not only from a physical standpoint but from a spiritual one as well. The parent and child relationship grows towards separation that begins after the birthing process. The child continues to grow physically and mentally. They eventually grow up and leave the nest.

Older adults go in the opposite direction. There was an old saying; once a man, twice a child. They grow more frail, weaker and will eventually require tremendous amounts of care. It is a hard thing to watch a parent go from a healthy and functioning adult to someone who you now have to help dress, feed and toilet. Unfortunately, it doesn't get better. Those combative years in dementia can last a couple of years until finally they give up the struggle and succumb to their condition. Some seniors get extremely frustrated and fight their fate of impending death. These are their twilight years and some of them finally accept the fact that they are approaching their death.

It is a natural process and the progression of the disease.

So no, don't let the experience you are having with your loved one deter you from wanting children. I was your age when my mother died from cancer. I was blessed that her insurance paid for hospice and we had home health aides for both my sister and her. I had a disabled sister that I had to step in and provide care after mom died. I had one child and I made the mistake of not remarrying the right guy and having more children.

Look at this experience with your mom through another lense, and try to separate your life from your mom's life. See if you can get some respite care.

Caring for kids is rewarding because kids are growing up and getting better year after year. Caring for old person with dementia, is frustrating because it's the reverse process. Getting worse year after year.

I had a home day care with 8 kids at a time, up to 12 hours a day, mostly infants & toddlers. No comparison.

While the demands of feeding, dressing, bathing, diapering, supervising, etc., may sound the same, there are critical physical differences such as size and strength.

As others have mentioned, with children you celebrate new achievements. With elders, you mourn loss of abilities.

Having done both both at once (advanced dementia mother now 97, have 3 teens) the biggest hurdle I faced was probably attitude. My children seemed typical (they argued with me, and amongst themselves) but were generally cooperative and afforded me some respect. My mother, in complete denial of her own cognitive decline, was uncooperative, insulting, miserable, combative, self-absorbed and demanding.

I found it much easier to redirect a temper tantrum from a tired, hungry, hot, cold, uncomfortable, disappointed, frustrated toddler, than from a defiant parent who was certain she was entitled to tell me off and get her way every time because she was the ruling matriarch and I was just her know-nothing daughter.

To add to this, people in general smile at a baby. They tend to enjoy them.

Old people usually get the opposite reaction, especially as they age. They don’t even like being around each other, because even to them, it is depressing.

Children have limited legal rights as your dependant until they reach the age of majority. You can help form/inform children as they grow and become adults.

On the other hand, the elderly have already gained their legal rights and independence. It is much harder to have those same rights stripped and go back to being another person's dependent. Not only because of the time, cost, and money that it takes to do so, BUT because the elderly fight the process the whole time!! And if those rights aren't stripped, they take precedence over everything else -- even safety.

Love, and as a parent's commitment to raising a child, will get you through many difficult times with a child. Love and commitment will not do the same for a person taking care of someone with dementia.

There's actual joy in taking care of children. They grow and learn. When you're taking care of an elderly person it just gets worse with each passing day.
Kids have tantrums and act up and get fussy but they don't bring you down. Kids aren't negative, hopeless, and miserable.

Children learn good habits, old people with dementia forget the good habits. Children look forward to move away from you and be independent. Old people with dementia want to go back to the womb.

You can reason with a toddler; you cannot with a dementia patient. Toddlers grow up; dementia patients decline until death.

Oh the adorably messy babies in high chairs..

Now they cook meals for themselves.

The strong-willed toddlers that stamped their feet & yelled.

Chose what to study & what job. Earned money & moved out.

Sorry.. I am not really comparing well am I 😜

I've never had to lift a toddler that weighed more than me.
I've never had to deal with a toddler who literally KNEW how to drive a car and is living in a time period of being in their 30's for brief moments.
I've never had a toddler repeatedly bring up griefs of the past

Dementia? the erasure of skills, abilities, and control
Toddlers? the learning of skills, abilities, and control.

I would care for multiple children over seniors any day. I have always loved the joy and energy of children, had four of my own and kept my six grandchildren. My career of 38 years was at a children's hospital.

Seniors are exhausting, irritable, argumentative. You cannot make them even do the minimal to take care of themselves. The toilet issues are disgusting and cannot compare with the care of your own child.

Kids can be a pain also.

We have a tendency to forget that when they were babies, we had no energy left. We have a tendency to forget all the angst and appointments that had to be rearranged because we could not find babysitters. I never had a spotless house as I worked full-time (plus some) and didn't have a housekeeper or nanny. I remember my days of depression when my teenager just couldn't get "it" together. I remember the times that I had to take my toddler with me to work because there was no one to take care of them during school holidays. I remember the anxiety that I went through as I told my boss I couldn't go to work because my toddler was sick and I was forced to take vacation days. I remember being scared of my child being abducted if I wasn't there at all times.

When one decides to have kids (notice the fact that this assumes that one has a choice in the matter), they generally have made up their mind to make the necessary sacrifices and do the mental gymnastics for the next 18 years.

It isn't easy with a child and it isn't easy with an elderly person, however, I'm not sure that one is any worse than the other. It is just.....different.

The difference between children and a loved one with dementia is that one is declining mentally and emotionally, while the other is growing and developing deeper awareness and understanding. As a caregiver for your mother, you are experiencing (possibly): emotional stress due to depression, verbal abuse, and physical exhaustion. In my opinion it’s a much deeper sacrifice than childrearing. As a caretaker for mom, you try to care for a loved one expecting little to no personal reward for your efforts. With (young) children you get the joy of their impulsive and uninhibited love and hugs, with older kids their desire to understand life with your loving guidance. Way different - unless perhaps you have a child with a mental illness.

Caregiving It is absolutely not the same except in name.
With children, they are tiring at times but there is rejoicing as they progress. With dementia there is mourning with each loss.
Children are inclined to listen, elders demand you listen to them.
Dementia patients often don’t know there is something wrong with them children are usually eager to learn and try.
Both try your patience and strength.
Children grow up and become independent as you age. Dementia patients require more and more and more as you age.

Same:
both can be irrational and moody
both take time and selfless energy
both are expensive
both will take advantage if you don’t set limits
both are longterm endeavors
both can break your heart

Different:
children aren’t in a state of perpetual worsening demented thinking
children are open-minded
children bring positive energy
children expand your world
children invite your inner child to come out
children provide comfort
children become more capable with each day
children can fill your heart

Healthy kids grow up and become less dependent.

Adults with dementia become more and more dependent as the disease worsens.

Think of both situations starting at the same point, but gradually moving away towards opposite poles.

A toddler would not have taken my car keys and driven off only to be found 13 hours later in another state.

A toddler would not have taken a screwdriver and tried to take the lock off the gate that prevented him from "escaping".
A toddler would not then have taken a chair and tried to climb over said gate.

A toddler would not have figured out a way to open the garage door and walk to the store to get cookies. (by figured out I mean he opened my car door and pressed the button on the garage door remote to open the door)

A toddler would not have started the lawn mower and lowered the blade so that there was almost no grass left, then mowed the neighbors lawn, on the day after we moved into the house. (for 3-4 weeks I had to look at my neighbors scalped lawn whenever I looked out the window)

that is just a few of the interesting things I dealt with.

Just last week I said, "gosh, mom is like a little kid." My mom is 92 and in ALF.

Caring for the elderly is way more tiring. Yes, the tasks may be similar to tending to small children, but because of an elderly person’s age, we’re less forgiving (such as urinating on themselves, repeating the same questions, etc). It shouldn’t stop you from having your own children someday. You wouldn’t want to miss out on seeing your smile in your child’s smile. Both are tiring, nonetheless, but rewarding in different ways.

I think (as a long time caregiver of both) that caring for an elderly person can be harder. Mostly because of their size. Much harder to maneuver them around and clean up their diapers etc. Little kids can be very tiring in their own way, but they keep growing and learning. After about 2 years old most kids are fairly easy to care for and they like to do things with you and are mostly cooperative. On the other hand an elderly person with dementia is going the opposite direction and getting worse. It’s a whole different ballgame with kids.

My comparison is strictly emotional.

with a child, acceptance is automatic. We accept their dependence, their awkwardness, their different ways of communicating, with unconditional love, for the most part. Their struggles are met with encouragement and praise. It is normal and natural to see progress and growth, and we celebrate it. We can look forward to our future with them.

With my husband, it was not so. I have fought, in my mind , to change what came naturally in child care. It’s so unnatural to think of him as anything but totally capable. He built beautiful furniture pieces as a hobby. After 7 years of caring for Him throughout his Alzheimer’s decline, I have finally begun to accept this inevitable decline. With that acceptance has come more energy and even a more loving attitude toward the man I married. I realize that I can still celebrate the memories of our wonderful life together. And their are still precious moments even while experiencing this horrible disease. The difference is, we have to accept
that the future will come to an end.

There is really nothing that is the 'same'
A child comes as a 'blank slate' essentially, with a little personality and all, but for the most part, it's a joy and an honor to be entrusted with a little person to teach and mentor.

I have 5 kids and 14 grands, so I do know of which I speak.

I would rather have my 4 yo grandson whom we livingly refer to as the 'raccoon' for an entire day than have my mom for 1 hr.

Calvin is the poster boy for joie de vivre--life, everyday for him is a sweet joy. Mom is the poster girl for living too long and being miserable a lot of the time.

There's no comparison, really. CG for one is on the uphill slide and for the other? Downhill and kind of depressing.

The raccoon will come running at me full steam and leap on to me (ouch) and hold my face and say "I love you almost as much as I love my mommy" (He loves his mommy more than anything. My mom won't even touch me, much less hug me.

The absolute unconditional love I get from my grands is indescribably wonderful. I know I'm lucky and blessed. The lack of love from my mother is simply something I have come to expect.

Completely different for me. Role reversal alone is dumbfounding! Expectations opposite. Overwhelmed feelings are similar tho. I do remember my 4 babes also making me feel overwhelmed, but that’s about it. Two different animals.