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She is 96. After getting a UTI and being in the hospital for a week, she needed to go to rehab. She has been through this before. I was reaching the end of my sanity when this happened, and decided her ‘rehab’ would be a memory care facility that would be able to to have PT and Speech therapist come there, rather then her be one place for 3 weeks, then have to move her somewhere else, because she was not coming back to my home.
I found a place right by me, very affordable, and she’s doing good, but thinks she’s coming home in a few weeks. This Covid makes it so much harder. Looking in windows in 95 degree weather is no fun. Pray they can find a vaccine for this. It’s a nightmare. Luckily no Covid cases in this place. Only 25 there.
It is just hard when your mom you took care of for a year looks at you and asks what did she do to deserve this. And says she’s going to give up. It’s hard. But no way can I do it any more. I hardly ever slept and she was always needing something. I am going to have to tell her in a kind and gentle way. It’s just I don’t know how. And through a window screen. Help!

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Ket, how are you all doing today?
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Ketb56810 Aug 2020
Feeling bad. Awful day. Went to see her through the window and she was complaining the entire time. Said she loved the girls there. Food used to be great now it’s horrible. Doesn’t want to live any longer. Crying. It was awful.
I told her she needed care 24/7 and I couldn’t do it any longer, ( don’t think she heard me) but she doesn’t think anything is wrong except her body has given up. Said her mind hasn’t!!! ( she fell down a step last year and broke her hip. Has 2 titanium rods in hip and leg. Has to use a walker. Hates it but too shaky without it) It is so hard with this Covid. Has made it worse. I had to retire early. Husband and I have gone downhill. I just put it in God’s hands.
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Tell her she doesn't deserve this. This World doesn't deserve this. This time is so messed up... I hate to say this... but blame is on COVID... I am so sorry mom, everyone must stay in place... Please be patient.. Perhaps it will calm down, but in the meantime,, I love you.

And hopefully, you can actually hold her hand, and say I love you.
My aunt is in a board n care, minutes from me.. I am lucky, I can actually visit her. It is nice.
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Ketb56810 Aug 2020
Can’t hold her hand. No hugs. Window visits only since Covid cases spiked up. Used to be able to visit outside. 6 feet away. No more for now. Horrible.
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She asks you what she did to deserve what? Being in a senior living facility so that her daughter can get a decent night's sleep? Or is she referring to the world-wide pandemic that is killing thousands, has rendered large numbers of people in the world hungry, homeless and unable to make a living?

Has your mother always been only able to see her own needs as important?

A plan for senior care only works when it works for all parties. If her care leaves you, the caregiver, exhausted and unable to take care of herself and her family, then it has to change.

Right now, living in a facility is no picnic for your mother, but it WILL get better as restrictions ease. Please point that out to her.

Blame her doctor for where she is. Blame YOUR doctor: "my doctor says that I was burning out from lack of sleep and heading for a serious heart issue".

Sone 40% of folks caring for elders DIE before their charges do. Your mother has you as an advocate and loving daughter. Where would she be without you?

Your profile says that your mother suffers from anxiety and depression; are those being treated adequately? Can she be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist at her facility? We found that with my mom, who had vascular depression and lifelong anxiety, the judicious us of antidepressants and a very low dose of an anti-anxity ed made a huge difference in her outlook on life. Getting your mom good psychiatric care is one way that you can advocate for her.

Your mother is playing a card called "F.O.G."-- Fear, obligation and guilt. Look it up.

Hoping for better days ahead for you and your mom.
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Hi!
I know it is so very hard for you and your Mom right now. I am going through similar things with my Mom. She is at an Assisted Living home with Parkinsons and Lewey Body Dementia.
Some of the things you might try are facetime calls if the aids can help.
We try to facetime or call everyday that she is up to it. It really helps my Mom to be able to see us without a mask on. Even it it is a 5 minute call. I just try to be upbeat and explain how we are trying keep her safe and well cared for right now. That I just cannot physically lift her by myself. And that she is getting lots of good care from everyone.
Even one day I said I would call again later that day, but she said that I did not have to. She is happy chatting once a day.
Then I try to talk about other things that are going on.
Also, check if your facility will be able to start outside visits with masks on 6 feet apart.
I also have the staff help my Mom call other family and friends.
Also, I ask regularly what things I can bring for her to enjoy. One Saturday, she was craving pizza, so I coordinated lunch with the staff and dropped one off.
She is also enjoying cards and photos from family & friends.
I just try to think of of things to bring joy and know how much we love her and are always thinking of her!😊💕
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