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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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She has arthritis in arms/shoulders bad so is unable to lift arms up very high. So washing her hair is extremely hard. She will not accept help. Rarely will shower. Refused home help care. What should we do?
Start by asking her about her usual hygiene routine given her limitations. She should be bathing every day and washing hair several times a week. I know that seniors have thinner and drier skin but bacteria continue to grow on the skin regardless of age and cause bad odors. Ask her if she uses body lotion to help moisturize her skin. Ask if she has any areas that are "hard to reach." Then, offer help: taking on the task of bathing her, getting her tools to help her with washing up, shopping for body wash/shampoo/lotion for her use... The goal is to assist her efforts not make her feel bad about body odor.
Greenthumb10: Perhaps this is more than a hygiene problem since your elderly mother "will not accept help. Rarely will shower. Refused home help care." She needs to visit her primary care physician.
Yes my father was a bit like that insisted he was clean even tho we were saying both he and the house was smelling my sister came in really firm and told him he needed a wash and just got on with it he told me he was being bullied so be prepared for that it’s a pride thing plus it really is hard to cope with changing and taking off clothes and putting them back on with restricted mobility and pain so we traded a middle ground bowl and some water with a little disinfectant in it and a flannel liquid soap or the no rinse soap and said we will help to underwear then turn your back or leave the room for him to wash private areas then told him to shout when done for us to help dry and help ease clothes on now it’s standard you could get wash bowl ready take it into her room and just say you are helping and mention either she accepts your help or the doctor will deem her unfit to remain at home not cleaning herself and she may well be out in a home which you are avoiding
it’s not an easy transition youve got embarrassment and pride plus mobility and pain issues we also changed dads clothing to easier to put on clothing ( less over your head stuff- zoos and button ups- elastic wasted bottoms) one size up so no straining to get clothes on it all helps good luck os you have dry shampoos as well sometimes it’s worth a compromise as you work on a permanent solution
Just to give a different slant, I think many people think that ‘correct’ to aim for, is a daily shower or bath and a weekly hair wash. This is difficult to do for the elderly, but is also a fairly recent expectation.
A hundred years ago many people in our countries had one bath a week, on Saturday night in front of the fire to be clean for Church on Sunday. Face (plus armpits and crutch if you were keen) in the meantime, and ‘don’t forget to wash behind your ears’. It amuses me to see movies set in that time, where the poor have dirty faces, when that was the only bit of them that was actually clean.
I have long hair pinned up all the time, and at present I am washing my hair every two to three weeks. That’s when my scalp feels like it needs a wash. My hair doesn’t really show it.
For me, the issue is smell and safety. A cloth wipe of the genital area IS important, and smell matters too. The rest of it, perhaps not. Perhaps you ‘start a conversation’ by talking about history and what really matters.
My DH is impressed with the title "nurse" so I have hired a very experienced CNA to help care for him. He will do whatever she says and will do what I say if the orders come from her. She bathes him once or twice a week. I haven't tried to do that yet.
First, you decide who is going to make the decision. Your mother or you. If it's your mother, then let her be. If it's you (as it should be at this point), then you make it happen.
Personal hygiene is a non-negotiable. It's unhealthy. And no one wants to be around someone who smells bad.
Your mother is going to have to accept help in order to maintain personal hygiene if she cannot/will not do it herself.
I shower my mother every Saturday. (Used to be twice a week but it just got to be too much and she doesn't go anywhere anyway.)
My mother does not have a voice or a choice in the matter. I get her up and walk her to the shower and sit her down and get it all done from head to toe. Sometimes she gets mad and stays mad for a couple of hours, but I don't care.
This is not a democracy - it's a dictatorship and I'm the dictator.
This is perhaps BOTH dementia and depression. A conversation may not - likely won't help. It is beyond reasoning / logic (which is both dementia and depression).
You do not ask her if she wants 'home help care.' You get it and introduce a person to her as 'my friend xxx' -
Where does she live? If she still legally manages her own life, she is in control of what she does. You can do what you can although there is a point of needing to accept she will do what she wants.
Are you your POA or manage any of her finances, etc. ?
* Is assisted living needed * Medication management * Dementia assessment * Dry Shampoo * Bed baths?
Talk to her MD. Get legal matters in order. Don't ask for permission to do what is needed (as you can re hygiene). Many people w dementia do not want to shower or take care of themselves hygiene-wise. You do what you can although you take 'more' control in a way that she will allow it. Yes, this is tricky.
You listen, offer compassion/ate responses. You also control the situation for her well-being as best you can.
She will resist. That is normal and to be expected. The key is how you manage it. "Try" not to argue as this is a NO win-win. You want to keep her calm as well as clean.
I started this conversation with Mom when she was having issues standing in the shower . We bought her a shower chair and she showered with dad for a while . She said he took too long so I started showering with her once a week , the other days she washes her self up with wipes . When we shower she sits in the chair in front of me and I wash her hair - she does everything else , ill say time to clean the girly parts . We talk and I ask her if she ever did this with her mom , I tell her that I love washing her beautiful long hair and that someday I will miss this when she’s gone . When I get push back about getting in the shower I let her know this is because we don't want her to be unhealthy and a UTI could kill her at this age . I don’t threaten or try to manipulate my Mom . She is a woman of a certain age and I won’t talk down to her . I find with my Mom that letting her take a minute to make the decision herself works best . And regarding my Dad - if he smells I’ll say you should shower - you smell and you want to get in before mom and I use the water up . It usually works . Good luck with your Mom .
Hello, I'm a 79 year old, retired RN with a few mobility problems, stiffness and arthritis. Taking a shower was terrifying for me, until I ordered a stable shower chair with arms. Already had a nice shower "hose" that comes off the wall, so I can sit or stand and feel safe. We have grab rails wrapping around the inside of the shower stall, also. NEVER take a shower when alone in the house and let folks know I'm about to take a shower.
Cconversations about it with our relative were not helpful. The best success was starting a set routine. For example: showers on Mondays, Thursdays-----with Mondays being hair wash day. It isn't ideal to only shower 2xs per week. But, it was the best that we could get done. If hair washing was resisted, then to the salon. I took her to a salon that was geared for seniors, low key----not all high tech. She ended up really enjoying it
Buy a lovely bar of wonderful soap that has a scent she’d enjoy. Does she need a shower chair or grab bar? Provide it. Make an appointment at a hairdresser nearby at a mutually convenient time for both of you. Then have a “ spa day”. I suspect she has been very afraid to bathe or shower because of her limitations. I’ve had to do this myself for my mom it worked! “Let’s wash away all our problems, shall we?” Or “let’s put all this aging stuff on the back burner for a while and have some girl time. My treat!” We tend to forget in our worry/ concern about aging that there is a human being who would not choose these behaviors if she could figure out how not to live this way. Show her that you are willing and available ( Monday and Friday shower days at her place?) Then ice cream or coffee afterwards at a shop? Easing her into having”help” with a sprinkle of companionship. Giving a different kind of value to being clean and refreshed. Baby steps…
"She will not accept help. Rarely will shower. Refused home help care. What should we do?"
Since you have tried to be nice about it and mom refuses ALL help it is time to tell her the god's honest truth about how she smells.
Maybe then she will accept the help she needs, but more than likely she will double down and deny it is a problem.
I would refuse to take her out in public if she refuses to get someone in the help her shower, etc. Tell her it is too embarrassing to have her in this condition and you won't do it anymore.
Yes it's harsh but sometimes with elders you have to take the reigns and make these hard decisions so the elder can face reality. And the reality is... Mom smells, really bad.
That's a tough one, aging people can get so stubborn .
I am curious how old your mom is, and if she may have some dementia going on.
More than likely she is scared of falling in the shower. Do you have a shower chair for her? And hand rails. Is it a walkin or tub. Tubs are really hard for most older people.
As for you question on how to bring up the subject. I would probably start small, Hey mom maybe we could get you one of these shower chairs for you. Instead of coming out and saying, you Need a shower. Or telling her maybe I can come over and wash your sheets while you take a shower. Don't make it sound like a question, just this is what we are doing.
I think this is then more than a hygiene problem? Does your mother have dementia? It is very common for those with dementia to resist showers.
If you are speaking of someone rational and without any dementia and this is a NEW problem, then more is going on than you realize.
As to a rational person with poor hygiene the only way is to sit them down and tell them what you see and smell and that it isn't acceptable. And then ask what ways would be best to address it. She may have now to be accompanied out to have her hair done one a week. She may need a hand held shower attachment. She may require an aid to help with showers.
What more is going on that worries you? Is she able to keep up living alone or with hubby with arthritis this severe? Is it time to discuss possible placement needs? Has she discussed physical therapy with her doctor; this is very helpful in maintaining full range of motion in a rational elder.
Good luck. Remember, the more you tell us about what you're dealing with, the more we can try to help you.
Does mom have any cognitive problems or is the arthritis the only limitation to her bathing? If mom has no cognitive problems you tell her exactly what you have said here and that she has to properly bathe and if she can not manage to do so herself a bath aide can help. If mom does have cognitive problems then you are past the point of letting her take care of some of her ADL's (Activities of Daily Living) And to that point what else might she not be doing properly or thoroughly? And at this point she no longer as the capacity to "refuse" help as it is necessary.
It may get to the point where you have to tell her that you will not take her out unless she showers. Tell her that this will limit the outings and gatherings with friends and family.
Last resort self neglect is reportable at most State's Elder Abuse hotline number if you want to take it that far.
I am going to assume that you and other family members are "helping" in a variety of ways is many cases this is not good as it gives your LO a false sense of independence that they really do not have. If you and others are "helping" you might want to back off on that so that she realizes how much help she really does need.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
insisted he was clean
even tho we were saying both he and the house was smelling
my sister came in really firm and told him he needed a wash and just got on with it
he told me he was being bullied
so be prepared for that
it’s a pride thing plus it really is hard to cope with changing and taking off clothes and putting them back on
with restricted mobility and pain
so we traded a middle ground
bowl and some water with a little disinfectant in it and a flannel
liquid soap or the no rinse soap
and said we will help to underwear then turn your back or leave the room for him to wash private areas then told him to shout when done for us to help dry and help ease clothes on
now it’s standard
you could get wash bowl ready take it into her room
and just say you are helping
and mention either she accepts your help or the doctor will deem her unfit to remain at home not cleaning herself and she may well be out in a home which you are avoiding
it’s not an easy transition
youve got embarrassment and pride plus mobility and pain issues
we also changed dads clothing to easier to put on clothing ( less over your head stuff- zoos and button ups- elastic wasted bottoms) one size up so no straining to get clothes on
it all helps
good luck
os you have dry shampoos as well
sometimes it’s worth a compromise as you work on a permanent solution
A hundred years ago many people in our countries had one bath a week, on Saturday night in front of the fire to be clean for Church on Sunday. Face (plus armpits and crutch if you were keen) in the meantime, and ‘don’t forget to wash behind your ears’. It amuses me to see movies set in that time, where the poor have dirty faces, when that was the only bit of them that was actually clean.
I have long hair pinned up all the time, and at present I am washing my hair every two to three weeks. That’s when my scalp feels like it needs a wash. My hair doesn’t really show it.
For me, the issue is smell and safety. A cloth wipe of the genital area IS important, and smell matters too. The rest of it, perhaps not. Perhaps you ‘start a conversation’ by talking about history and what really matters.
Every Friday is "beauty day", Mom loves it! It's all in how you present it...
We go to the hairdressers every Friday, same time--same place. It's like Steel Magnolias.
Ireland
Personal hygiene is a non-negotiable. It's unhealthy. And no one wants to be around someone who smells bad.
Your mother is going to have to accept help in order to maintain personal hygiene if she cannot/will not do it herself.
I shower my mother every Saturday. (Used to be twice a week but it just got to be too much and she doesn't go anywhere anyway.)
My mother does not have a voice or a choice in the matter. I get her up and walk her to the shower and sit her down and get it all done from head to toe. Sometimes she gets mad and stays mad for a couple of hours, but I don't care.
This is not a democracy - it's a dictatorship and I'm the dictator.
We did the same with my granny, just get it done she will get over it.
A conversation may not - likely won't help.
It is beyond reasoning / logic (which is both dementia and depression).
You do not ask her if she wants 'home help care.' You get it and introduce a person to her as 'my friend xxx' -
Where does she live?
If she still legally manages her own life, she is in control of what she does. You can do what you can although there is a point of needing to accept she will do what she wants.
Are you your POA or manage any of her finances, etc. ?
* Is assisted living needed
* Medication management
* Dementia assessment
* Dry Shampoo
* Bed baths?
Talk to her MD.
Get legal matters in order.
Don't ask for permission to do what is needed (as you can re hygiene).
Many people w dementia do not want to shower or take care of themselves hygiene-wise. You do what you can although you take 'more' control in a way that she will allow it. Yes, this is tricky.
You listen, offer compassion/ate responses.
You also control the situation for her well-being as best you can.
She will resist. That is normal and to be expected. The key is how you manage it. "Try" not to argue as this is a NO win-win. You want to keep her calm as well as clean.
Gena / Touch Matters
It isn't ideal to only shower 2xs per week. But, it was the best that we could get done.
If hair washing was resisted, then to the salon. I took her to a salon that was geared for seniors, low key----not all high tech. She ended up really enjoying it
I suspect she has been very afraid to bathe or shower because of her limitations. I’ve had to do this myself for my mom it worked! “Let’s wash away all our problems, shall we?” Or “let’s put all this aging stuff on the back burner for a while and have some girl time. My treat!” We tend to forget in our worry/ concern about aging that there is a human being who would not choose these behaviors if she could figure out how not to live this way. Show her that you are willing and available ( Monday and Friday shower days at her place?) Then ice cream or coffee afterwards at a shop? Easing her into having”help” with a sprinkle of companionship. Giving a different kind of value to being clean and refreshed.
Baby steps…
Since you have tried to be nice about it and mom refuses ALL help it is time to tell her the god's honest truth about how she smells.
Maybe then she will accept the help she needs, but more than likely she will double down and deny it is a problem.
I would refuse to take her out in public if she refuses to get someone in the help her shower, etc. Tell her it is too embarrassing to have her in this condition and you won't do it anymore.
Yes it's harsh but sometimes with elders you have to take the reigns and make these hard decisions so the elder can face reality. And the reality is... Mom smells, really bad.
I am curious how old your mom is, and if she may have some dementia going on.
More than likely she is scared of falling in the shower. Do you have a shower chair for her? And hand rails. Is it a walkin or tub. Tubs are really hard for most older people.
As for you question on how to bring up the subject. I would probably start small, Hey mom maybe we could get you one of these shower chairs for you. Instead of coming out and saying, you Need a shower. Or telling her maybe I can come over and wash your sheets while you take a shower. Don't make it sound like a question, just this is what we are doing.
Best of luck, hope that was a little bit helpful
Does your mother have dementia?
It is very common for those with dementia to resist showers.
If you are speaking of someone rational and without any dementia and this is a NEW problem, then more is going on than you realize.
As to a rational person with poor hygiene the only way is to sit them down and tell them what you see and smell and that it isn't acceptable. And then ask what ways would be best to address it. She may have now to be accompanied out to have her hair done one a week. She may need a hand held shower attachment. She may require an aid to help with showers.
What more is going on that worries you? Is she able to keep up living alone or with hubby with arthritis this severe?
Is it time to discuss possible placement needs?
Has she discussed physical therapy with her doctor; this is very helpful in maintaining full range of motion in a rational elder.
Good luck.
Remember, the more you tell us about what you're dealing with, the more we can try to help you.
If mom has no cognitive problems you tell her exactly what you have said here and that she has to properly bathe and if she can not manage to do so herself a bath aide can help.
If mom does have cognitive problems then you are past the point of letting her take care of some of her ADL's (Activities of Daily Living)
And to that point what else might she not be doing properly or thoroughly?
And at this point she no longer as the capacity to "refuse" help as it is necessary.
It may get to the point where you have to tell her that you will not take her out unless she showers. Tell her that this will limit the outings and gatherings with friends and family.
Last resort self neglect is reportable at most State's Elder Abuse hotline number if you want to take it that far.
I am going to assume that you and other family members are "helping" in a variety of ways is many cases this is not good as it gives your LO a false sense of independence that they really do not have. If you and others are "helping" you might want to back off on that so that she realizes how much help she really does need.