My dad recently passed and I was his caretaker. Now my mom has been living with me and I’m her caretaker. I feel like I haven’t even had time to grieve. She has some medical needs but nothing life threatening, but needs help and she’s in denial. She’s definitely depressed maybe even bipolar but undiagnosed. But I know the needs will increase. She is overly sensitive and doesn’t want to talk about assisted living places. She makes me feel guilty all the time if I go out or do things. Any suggestions?
my husband, of course, is absolutely against this but when the time is right …
perhaps if you approach her with the “Positiveness” of not sitting at home alone with no one to talk to and nothing to do that might help ???
Then start looking into AL's. Let her Doctor know you are done caregiving after Dad, and need help getting her placed.
The longer she lives there, the harder to get her out. She really should be among other seniors and you tell her you are concerned if something happens to YOU. Then who would jump in? The worry is too much for you.
When we take an elder into our home without a good care contract for shared living costs and for caregiving we have made our home their home and painted ourselves right into the corner. It is very difficult, once we do this kind of damage to ourselves, to get out of it. This is something that is way beyond the help of a Forum of strangers. Do reach out for solid psychological help and for options on how to move forward to protect yourself.
One thing that some of us did was set up an appointment to view a senior living facility. You can use the excuse that a friend of your's her mother is looking for a place and she would like your advice, and your Mom could also be of help. Yes, it's a therapeutic fib and we all need to use once in awhile.
Set up the appointment to include lunch, and maybe at a time when there is a fun activity that you think your Mom might like (but cannot partake as she's not a resident). Such senior living facilities have independent living apartments (my Dad's had 2 bedroom, large living room, and a full size kitchen). The rent included weekly housekeeping and linen service, plus a meal in the restaurant style dining room. I thought it was so sweet seeing some of the ladies dressed to the nine's having dinner :) Dad said he wished he would have moved years earlier (he was in his mid 90's), he loved it there being around so many people from his generation.
Once your mom isn't so depressed, THEN you broach the subject of Assisted Living with her. Line up a few places you like and take her there for lunch and a tour. After dad died, mom would have been lost if NOT for AL. The ladies all gathered her up and took her to meals and activities. AL is like day camp for seniors. My parents loved it, tbh. I made it clear to them I'd not be housing them, so it was Independent Senior Living first, then AL, and then mom segued into Memory Care Assisted Living where she died at 95.
Tell mom she has to move on with life and cohabitating isn't working for you anymore, as much as you love her.
As far as guilt goes, don't buy into it. Get her set up with autonomy and her OWN life in her own place, so you both get to live YOUR own lives independently. Its really the best for all concerned. But get her seen for the depression first before it becomes her new norm.
My condolences on the loss of your father.