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My dad recently passed and I was his caretaker. Now my mom has been living with me and I’m her caretaker. I feel like I haven’t even had time to grieve. She has some medical needs but nothing life threatening, but needs help and she’s in denial. She’s definitely depressed maybe even bipolar but undiagnosed. But I know the needs will increase. She is overly sensitive and doesn’t want to talk about assisted living places. She makes me feel guilty all the time if I go out or do things. Any suggestions?

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First of all, get mom to the doctor to discuss her depression and medication. I spoke to my mother's PCP privately by phone and told him mom was super depressed after 2 hospitalizations, not leaving her apartment, crying, etc. So he prescribed Wellbutrin and I told mom if she didn't take the meds, I'd stop helping her. Period. She took the meds and felt 100% better, so her life went back to normal.

Once your mom isn't so depressed, THEN you broach the subject of Assisted Living with her. Line up a few places you like and take her there for lunch and a tour. After dad died, mom would have been lost if NOT for AL. The ladies all gathered her up and took her to meals and activities. AL is like day camp for seniors. My parents loved it, tbh. I made it clear to them I'd not be housing them, so it was Independent Senior Living first, then AL, and then mom segued into Memory Care Assisted Living where she died at 95.

Tell mom she has to move on with life and cohabitating isn't working for you anymore, as much as you love her.

As far as guilt goes, don't buy into it. Get her set up with autonomy and her OWN life in her own place, so you both get to live YOUR own lives independently. Its really the best for all concerned. But get her seen for the depression first before it becomes her new norm.

My condolences on the loss of your father.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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BiggieSmalls, welcome to the forum. When you get a chance please fill out your Profile page, that will help us better understand your situation. Example, is your Mom in her 50's or is Mom in her 90's, and what are her medical issues? So sorry for your loss, your Mom is also grieving thus her depression.


One thing that some of us did was set up an appointment to view a senior living facility. You can use the excuse that a friend of your's her mother is looking for a place and she would like your advice, and your Mom could also be of help. Yes, it's a therapeutic fib and we all need to use once in awhile.


Set up the appointment to include lunch, and maybe at a time when there is a fun activity that you think your Mom might like (but cannot partake as she's not a resident). Such senior living facilities have independent living apartments (my Dad's had 2 bedroom, large living room, and a full size kitchen). The rent included weekly housekeeping and linen service, plus a meal in the restaurant style dining room. I thought it was so sweet seeing some of the ladies dressed to the nine's having dinner :) Dad said he wished he would have moved years earlier (he was in his mid 90's), he loved it there being around so many people from his generation.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Refuse to accept guilt as you didn’t cause and cannot fix mom's life circumstances. Good advice below on touring places and having lunch there, meeting the staff, and seeing living areas. My dad hugely benefited from a low dose of anxiety/depression medicine as an elder. Likely your mother would as well, she’s had a big loss and life change to cope with. Don’t endlessly discuss options that don’t exist, like living with you, and don’t waste much time getting this move to happen. Delay will only make it harder
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I am sorry that you have allowed your mother into your home, as it seems that you are too timid to even tell her that you wish to live alone, not with her. I think your accepting guilt for problems you didn't create and cannot fix also suggests that you have some complicated issues best discussed with a good therapist so that you can then honestly approach your mother and tell her that you do not wish her living in your home.

When we take an elder into our home without a good care contract for shared living costs and for caregiving we have made our home their home and painted ourselves right into the corner. It is very difficult, once we do this kind of damage to ourselves, to get out of it. This is something that is way beyond the help of a Forum of strangers. Do reach out for solid psychological help and for options on how to move forward to protect yourself.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Get both of you set up with grief counseling.

Then start looking into AL's. Let her Doctor know you are done caregiving after Dad, and need help getting her placed.

The longer she lives there, the harder to get her out. She really should be among other seniors and you tell her you are concerned if something happens to YOU. Then who would jump in? The worry is too much for you.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Just like any negotiation be prepared. You are selling something so know what it is. Know the facts and benefits. Start off slow try some day trips to various places for lunch or social time without saying why you are going other than to meet some friends. You will never win if you force someone it has to be a mutual decision.
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Reply to Sample
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Since im actually looking forward to have someone care for me, clean my apartment, not confuse my meds, fix my meals, take me for rides in the van, and having activities with residents before im too old to appreciate it, maybe i can give you some ideas.

my husband, of course, is absolutely against this but when the time is right …

perhaps if you approach her with the “Positiveness” of not sitting at home alone with no one to talk to and nothing to do that might help ???
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Reply to Betsysue2002
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BiggieSmalls: Come up with a little white lie, e.g. 'my friend wants to show us place.'
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Reply to Llamalover47
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