My 84 year old mom who has heart failure, is on 24 hour oxygen, has cellulitis, is overweight and bedbound has informed me that she wants to return home, as she no longer wishes to be at her residential care home. She insisted on moving there, 2 hours from my father and 3 hours from me as she wanted to return to the area where she grew up. The situation at home with my dad had vlrtually broken down, as he could not handle carers in his house, he constantly lost his temper, mostly with mom, and with me when I visited. They now think that it is a good idea to live together again at home with live in care. One of my mother's previous carers continues to visit dad on a voluntary basis to check in on him. She has offered to take him to visit mom so that they can discuss things together. He is housebound, has difficulty walking with a walker. He constantly complains about his health but refuses to see a doctor. About a week ago, my mom's care home asked me to look for a nursing facility as they didn't think that they could go on caring for her. I am under pressure at work due to the long term sickness absence of three colleagues, but enjoy my work and do not want to be drawn into a caring role, and have worked hard to learn about setting boundaries, with the help of this forum. I am 4 hours away from my dad. Although they do not have dementia, and have capacity to take their own decisions, they are stubborn and have never valued my opinions. My mom needs constant emotional support, craves attention and gets upset when she doesn't receive regular and daily visits from friends and family. I have a good relationship with the care home manager, staff and local nurses who I truly believe are doing everything they can to ensure that she is comfortable. It is unfortunate that they are sometimes short of staff. I have learnt to live with the expectation of the next health crisis for my mom to come along. I live alone, and although I have good friends, I feel very alone and overwhelmed in my situation and now feel that I cannot offer either of them the support to live their lives as they want to. How do I navigate my way through this?
Dad, talk to Mom.
If you both AGREE you want to live together, let me know.
I'll look into costs to hire a Social Worker or Geriatric Care Manager. Someone to help find an AL or Continuum of Care Aged Care Home that could accomodate you both. Something you can afford, once your house is sold. Medical care assessments & legal advice will be needed too of course.
It would be a big job, but by hiring the right help could be done.
So let me know...
Since both of your parents still have capacity to make their own decisions, I recommend letting them make their own decisions. (Wait! Hear me out before you roll your eyes!)
If both of them want mom to move back home with dad, then let them, as two "independent adults," figure out how to get that done. WITHOUT ANY HELP AT ALL FROM YOU. Let THEM arrange the move, figure out transportation, do the packing up, hire a moving company, close out Mom's lease with her residential care home, pay for everything, and arrange for agency care in Dad's home.
In the 0.0001% chance they manage to do all of that, let them do their own unpacking and also let them find someone to run errands for them and take them to doctor appointments.
You make it clear to them that they are in charge of ALL OF IT, and YOU are NOT lifting a single eyelash to help them pull it off. Then stick to your guns!
I am willing to bet that if you hand the whole thing back to them in this way, they will crash into the impossibility of their "dream" and will quit insisting on the move.
Just because they say they WANT these things does not mean they are even close to being able to make them happen. Mom is bed bound, and Dad can hardly walk, even with a walker. How in the world could they execute even the bare beginning of orchestrating a move and getting live-in help? See if they, BY THEMSELVES, can manage to procure even one cardboard box and one roll of tape!
Meanwhile, behind the scenes, start looking for a long-term care home for your mom. When your parents' little scheme falls apart and the residential care home insists that she move, you will be ready to make that happen.
Tell them you will not enable this very bad decision making and will step away from participating in their care in any way.
See a licensed social worker in private practice to find out options for care, ways to begin to comb yourselves out of their lives. Continuing as you are is the sacrifice of your life on the altar of theirs.
..."mom's care home asked me to look for a nursing facility as they didn't think they could go on caring for her..."
What type of care are they talking about?
Is it care that can actually be done in the home by caregivers (licensed or not)?
Is is safe to care for her at home?
The caregivers will probably need equipment to move her. So if you go through an agency they will probably require 2 caregivers at a minimum.
Is the house set up to be able to move equipment like a Hoyer Lift around? (no carpet, wide halls, large bathroom preferably with a zero entry shower, no stairs)
Chances are you dad is not going to be accepting of this.
And added to that it sounds like your dad needs help himself.
Is there any possibility that they would consider moving to an AL facility? (although there is a good chance mom would not qualify for AL and will need Skilled Nursing simply because she needs equipment to help in her care.)
Unfortunately I think mom has to accept the reality that moving home is not an option.
and
Unfortunately I think dad has to accept the reality that if he wishes to remain at home he HAS to accept caregivers to help him.
If mom has her way and dad has his way you will have some of the decision making taken out of your hands when something catastrophic happens and either mom or dad make the ER trip. I would say neither of them are safe at home and that they should not be discharged to home unless they have caregivers.
There are a hundred or more considerations about all of this.
And, the situation will only continue to deteriorate as they both age and decline. As the facility where your mother is has already identified to you that your mother needs what sounds like " skilled care", this is what should be looked at in the area where she wants to move back to. In home care 24/7 is an astronomical cost and even then unless you are using an agency there are the same issues as child care.... people not showing up.
If the parents are making decisions without your input and respect for your input, are they then going to expect you to jump through hoops to accommodate their decisions which at this point are most likely driven by some of all of the emotional factors I have listed above and or others.
Have PCP determine their cognitive abilities to make safe decisions.
Seek Elder Law attorney help to navigate this for Your Own sanity and protection.....
Do not allow your mother to " bully" you nor her husband into taking her "home" when the facility where she is has already identified her need for " skilled care". Get a Social Services person ( licensed social worker ) on board to assess " skilled care" facilities in the geographic area she wants to return to and have her transported directly into the " skilled care" facility.
Your father will not be able to care for her and meet the enormous demands in the home even if there is 24/7 in home care.... He is most likely getting pulled into a situation that he has dealt with forever with your mother.
Do not allow yourself to be used, bullied, made to feel guilty .....take concrete steps to get legal and social services help navigating this.
Practice good self care....get spiritual, emotional, grief counseling for yourself.....in the midst of this change
Each thought there was one cat too many,
So they fought and they fit,
And they scratched and they bit,
Till, excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails,
Instead of two cats, there weren’t any.
Problem solved.
She won't let carers in, only her 'kids' who are all Sr Citizens themselves. A CNA comes twice a week to check on her and bring her meds. (She is in Hospice Care).
She calls the shots. What she wants, they make happen. If they won't do what she asks, she screams at them until they do.
She refuses to accept the 'idea' of a SNF of ANY kind.
All 3 'kids' are completely and utterly burned out.
Any 'relationship' of a good nature that may have once existed with MIL and the kids is now a distant memory as they step and fetchit for her like trained monkeys.
We're currently all just waiting for her to fall and wind up in the hospital (again) and to begin the was, rinse repeat of back and forthing from hospital to home and all that entails.
She needs to be in care. She never will be, no matter what happens. A broken hip? They'll install a HOYER lift and learn to use it.
I hope you have courage enough to step waaay back from this dynamic. You can't fix it, no matter how hard you try. They won't be happy and you won't be happy.
In situations like this, somebody has to be the adult and say 'No, this won't work' and then be brave enough to support the word 'no'.
Good Luck.
"Sorry Mom. Dad cannot handle his own care now, let alone yours, and I am not going to. It is looking like this is where you will be living for the present at least".
Should your Mom be adjudged competent to make her own decisions then STAY OUT OF IT completely and be ready to call for wellness checks.
You don't mention here who is IN CHARGE of where Mom lives now. Is it Mom or is it her POA? If it is Mom then step away. If it is POA then that person needs to learn "N-O". Full stop.
Your Dad, you need to call APS to evaluate his situation and if its found he is now 24/7 you explain you need to work and cannot be his caregiver or set up aides, which he will refuse anyway. Allow the State to take over his care.
If Mom is adamant she wants to go home, tell her you will not be helping her she will need to do it all herself. If she happens to do it, then call APS and have them both evaluated. If found 24/7 care is needed, tell APS that the State will need to take over because u are not in the position to care for them or set up care for them that they will not use anyway.
BurntCaregiver..."Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn".
In my opinion, both of your parents require managed care and neither one should be living at home. Regardless of what they "want", oftentimes life doesn't work out that way once disease sets in. Mom seems to think the grass is greener on the other side.....until she gets there. Then the grass had actually been greener where she was at beforehand. 🙄 My mother was the exact same way, so I feel your pain. Plus I was an only child so the burden of that position is indeed overwhelming, forcing us to question our every move. Having an emotionally needy and dramatic mother adds to the toxic stew pot, too, leaving us feeling constantly off balance. It's maddening, I know.
Put your foot down. You don't have to agree to your mother's every whim. Speak to her doctor. Have him agree that she's in the best place FOR her to be in. Then tell her it's doctors orders she stay put. Get dad's doc on board to recommend managed care too, and see if you can get him moved in as well. To have both of them safely in care would be a load off of your mind! That's what I did with my parents and it was a huge blessing.
Best of luck to you.